seriousfic

Okay, so after the last episode, which was basically Spartacus: Blood And Sand without all the gratuitous sex and violence (and yet, somehow it lasted an hour. HOW?), Ollie's searching for the Bow of Orion, which is the one thing that can defeat Darkseid. Did I mention the last episode also had Zod? Like, an entire episode, devoted to Zod? Multiple seasons of the guy aren't enough, they put in one last episode for the guy and his kneeling fetish. Oh, that's much better than Big Barda. Jerks.

Anyway, we start off with Ollie going into the set of a Tomb Raider porn parody to find the Bow, where he comes across Supergirl. She's been trapped there for weeks. I'm not kidding. The episode actually says that Kara has been trapped in a little forcefield thingey this whole time. "Hey, guys, we haven't heard from Kara for a while, think we should check on her?" "Nah, Zatanna just sent over some magical date-rape wine. PARTY!" That's not a joke, that literally had to happen at some point on this show. And sure, she can fly and has superstrength and can burn things with her eyeballs, but shit, man, that forcefield. It probably extends all the way into space, so she can't fly up and through the ceiling and get out that way. And all the way down to China, so she can't tunnel down and get under it. I mean, she had weeks, but... wait, where did she poop?

Moving along, Kara translates the writing on the walls, which is Apokoliptian--okay, Orion (who is actually meant to be the Jack Kirby Orion, just... long-dead and scrub that part about him being destined to kill Darkseid and I guess he could've been raised by Highfather but somehow he ended up on Earth so... fuck it)... just why would Orion write anything in Apokoliptian? I know he was born on Apokolips (if there even is an Apokolips in this continuity? I thought Darkseid was some kind of Evil Space Herpes thing, so why would he need his own language THIS SHOW GODDAMNIT SO MUCH HATRED), but if he was raised somewhere else, wouldn't he speak... And if he was specifically trying to keep people from Apokolips out, why would he write the clues in...

Never fucking mind.

Anyway, Ollie helps Kara get to the Bow, which consists of two puzzles. One is just touching the omega symbol and Orion's symbol after reading a passage about balancing the light and dark (so, Orion is saying he's the absolute good? Little full of himself, isn't he?). The other is shooting the omega and Orion symbols with arrows, which then bank off it and hit another symbol at the same time. Kara, who has never used a bow before, is able to do this with Ollie on her first try. Because what about that doesn't sound easy? So that gets them the Bow of Orion (which in a total Thor rip has an inscription on it saying "True power comes from within." The bow with the power of killing Darkseid. Which is a little like writing "Guns don't kill people, people kill people" ON A GUN). But before Kara can take five seconds to grab the Bow, she gets called away by Jor-El.

What follows is pretty much the most sexist thing this show has ever done. Now, think of how many demeaning costumes Lois has worn and the fact that Chloe has willingly slept with Jimmy Olsen. That's saying something, right? Kara explains to Jor-El "Hey, I got this Darkseid thing in the bag, why'd you call me here?" and Jor-El goes off on this long tangent about how, yeah, you are the best-qualified and you've done everything I've told you to do and you even wear a costume and you can fly, buuuuuuuuuuut... it's Clark's DESTINY. You're just gonna have to step aside, little lady. "It's his time now," Jor-El literally says. And Kara goes along with it, deciding that risking losing a couple billion people to Darkseid is worth the possibility that THIS will finally make Clark man up and be a superhero. And so, without saying goodbye or anything, she takes a Legion ring and goes into the future, since that's what she did in the comics.

Dreadful. Positively dreadful.

Also, Clark tells Jor-El that he's getting married to Lois--yeah, that's gonna end well--so he gives Lois Clark's powers until sundown. What is it with this guy and sundowns? Lois wastes no time in getting completely gamed by the Toyman, who somehow knows Clark's identity. It's almost as if Clark has been running around without a mask or any kind of disguise for ten years. And really, physically unattractive man easily tricks a beautiful woman into putting on a device which will make her completely submit to him? No way that's an actual DC Comics story. That's gotta be a smutfic. Not one of the good smutfics either. One of those embarrassing ones you see getting MSTed. You know, the ones that make you think the author has some serious issues with women, probably stemming from high school.

So, she almost kills Clark, but doesn't because of the power of love, blah blah. If only they kept some Kryptonite around. But why would they, it's only been twice now this season that an evil Kryptonian has tried to take over the world...

Anyway, Clark goes to Jor-El and comes to the realization that Jor-El has literally been jerking him around this whole time. The trials were all bullshit, he could've stopped them whenever he wanted, he just needed to believe he was ready. Uh, hasn't Clark's default response to Jor-El's trials been "This is bullshit, I don't need a trial, I wanna go watch Lana Lang through my telescope"? But I guess this time, he means it. A bunch.

I must stop to mention Toyman's evil scheme. Yeah, Toyman, we have time for him and not any of the characters that actually make the Fourth World popular THIS FUCKING SHOW I SWEAR He's planning on buying all the properties in Metropolis which are over a water line, thus giving him the rights to all the water in Metropolis, so he could charge exorbitant fees. Because people loved that plot in Quantum of Solace. Now, I may be just a simple internet reviewer, but isn't there something called eminent domain? Where the government can seize your property if they need it for something? They do that shit all the time when they need to build a highway, what's to stop them from doing it for CLEAN DRINKING WATER?

And didn't we spend like half the season on a Superman/Lex clone? Whatever happened to him? You think he'd be part of the cast or something, but... no. I guess not.

Oh, and Toyman has literally assembled the Legion of Doom. Like, you know how Smallville has pretensions to realism? Well, Captain Cold and Manta Ray (along with Metallo. I thought he was a good guy?) are just chilling there. In full costume. Guy in an Eskimo suit and a guy with a diaphragm for a head. Just hanging. I love that a few seasons ago, we had an entire episode devoted to the Injustice League and it was just like two guys, but NOW we get the whole smorgasbord. They don't do anything or have anything to do with the episodes and they're being led by fucking Toyman, but forget it, Jake. It's Smallville.

So Granny Goodness busts in on Ollie and destroys the Bow of Orion... yes, apparently those two sub-Zelda traps kept the forces of evil out all this time, so they needed Ollie to do it for them... and then she mind-wipes him. So he's been mind-raped and he has Evil Space Herpes, so now he's double-brain-washed. Honestly, Ollie, what do you expect, slutting around the way you do?

Honestly, I think this show's whole Fourth World thing has been written by and for sixth-graders. SLOW sixth-graders. Forget all that stuff about romance and adventure and humor and subtext, just put in all the villains and darkness and make it all grim and gritty. That's what people like about Fourth World. The Space Hitler thing.

Finally, Lois decides that she can't take up any of Clark's valuable superheroing time with horrible alliteration, so the wedding is off. Actually a good plotline, and something it would take a top investigative reporter a whole year to think of, clearly.

Scenes of lovable side characters screaming in pain as they're tortured. That would've really upped the hilarity.

This episode hurt me in the creativity. I mean, not only are they doing a Hangover episode, but instead of just having the same premise, they literally do a beat-for-beat remake, complete with kidnapping a crime figure's animal (a lemur here, because tigers cost money), watching all their (um) wild antics on video at the end, and marrying a hooker. Err, Ollie.

And then at the very end, Chloe decides to leave again to become a reporter in Star City, which will be her cover identity as she searches for up-and-coming superheroes. Of course, why do an episode about the departure and final destiny of one of the show's original cast when you can do a PG-rated Hangover?

There's even a bit where Ollie and Lois have to dress up as showgirls to escape some thugs (why don't they just beat them up? Good question, as they literally do just that about five minutes later) and, shenanigans alert, the mob boss they're trying to cozy up to blows off Lois because he thinks She!Ollie is hot, even though Ollie is rather obviously a well-built man wearing a bra. Look, unless you're Bugs Bunny, you cannot do that bit. That bit is dead. It is an ex-bit, it has ceased to be.

But then at last they stop ripping off The Hangover--to rip off the bit in Indiana Jones And The Temple of Doom where the girl is trying to grab the diamond in the middle of an action scene. Jesus Christ, do these writers understand how ripping off works? You're supposed to do it to some obscure European film no one knows about. Has Quentin Tarantino taught us nothing?

Although I suppose it is rather funny to think that while all these antics are going on, Ollie's been infected by evil incarnate, Tess is harboring a mentally ill and superpowered clone of her boss/brother/lover, and Lois is struggling with her bicuriosity (yeah, you were surprised when it turned out to be Chloe in the closet too, weren't you?).

Let's go back to the premise for a moment. The idea is that Zatanna has sent the bachelor and bachelorette parties of Clark and Lois some enchanted champagne which, I guess, lowers their inhibitions and then erases their memories. I'm going to try to be calm here. Why would you do that? How could anyone with a modicum of common sense think this would be a good idea? That's something you would do to someone you hate. And the worst part is, this premise could literally go anywhere. "Zatanna casts a spell on the night of Clark's bachelor party, hijinx ensue." There are about a million ways to take that plot. I don't know, the entire cast gets turned into puppies. At least it's original.

Also, after taking an entire episode to establish that Clark is going to start wearing glasses and having a separate Clark Kent persona... maybe he should wear glasses? Just a thought?

Not gonna lie, guys, this episode was actually okay. There was fighting, people bantered, Michael Hogan grumbled... maybe I have low expectations, but yes, that is what I want from a cheesy-ass superhero fantasy. Legend of the Seeker did it every damn week while showcasing a bunch of awesome female characters, and that was based on Terry "Richardson" Goodkind. A series based on a canon with as many awesome ladies as DC comics (yes, I know it's far from perfect, but adaptation distillation shouldn't be particularly hard) should be able to pull off an hour of turn-your-brain-off fun every week. So am I still going to complain? Bet your ass.

So for the first, oh, twenty minutes we get Clark proposing to Lois, Lois accepting, Lois eating frogs (sorry), and what superheroes they could afford throwing the happy couple a party. Allison Mack even shows up in flashback, as Lois remembers asking her why Clark and Lana didn't work out.

It was a very long flashback.

Chloe: Well, first she fucked his arch-enemy. Then she was forced to marry his arch-enemy by his arch-enemy's father, who was really doing it for the greater good. Then she faked her death. Then she got kidnapped. Then, in denying Lex life-saving medicine, she was blasted with radiation and became a superhero, but at a terrible cost... never being able to be in the same room as Clark.

Lois: Doesn't sound that terrible.

Chloe: Terrible for Lana, I mean.

Lois: So, wait, if she's a superhero, how come she never helps out with our superhero-y stuff?

Chloe: We lured her into the attic of the barn and turned on angsty pop music to play while she stared out into the distance. We think she's still there.

Alright, I'll stop. But seriously, "they weren't meant to be together." Nice save, Chlo.

Meanwhile, Slade Wilson and the Vigilante Registration Act... which is now apparently a full-blown federal agency, complete with Gestapo-esque uniforms (!)... (!!!)... is installing metal detectors in the Daily Planet and enacting a curfew. I have no idea what either of these things will do to stop vigilantes. They'd be better off playing Katy Perry music on rooftops, thus severely compromising the heroes' ability to pose in a badass manner. They begin arresting the Justice League's support staff, like Dr. Hamilton, Tess, Lois, and oh let's say Stargirl. Believe me, if you're Alessandro Juliani, the last thing you want is for Michael Hogan to arrest you. If only because you won't be able to stop laughing at his completely ridiculous metal eyepatch. The point is, only a decade after 9/11 and years after Bush is out of office, someone is finally criticizing the War on Terror. That's some timely social satire, boys.

Did I mention how cool it is that instead of armies of Parademons, Dog Soldiers, and Female Furies, Darkseid is sending the TSA against our heroes?

For a long, boring stretch, our hero-ettes get interrogated. The guv'mint knows that Clark Kent is Superman... but how can this be, Superman wears a red jacket and Clark Kent wears business suits!... and demand to know where he is from the good guys, who are shockingly reticent to talk. As Lois notes, even though the VRA knows who the vigilantes are, they can't just go after them because then the public would turn on them. Finally, a criticism of the War on Terror that covers the government's complete unwillingness to throw innocent people in jail.

Anyway, Lois manages to get away... but leaving prisoners unattended always worked out so well in NO STORY EVER WRITTEN... and runs into Cat Grant, who sides with Lois after a brief pep talk.



Also, Michael Shanks gives us a little history lesson on Darkseid, who has apparently tried to attack the Earth multiple times... Hawkman ascribes both the Third Reich and the Spanish Inquisition to him, which I wasn't expecting... by the way, saying the Holocaust was the result of an evil space god? Classy... but has always been rebuffed. So, Darkseid isn't the greatest threat the galaxy has ever faced so much as this jerk who has to be told to fuck off every so often. So we've gone from "OH FUCH NO, DARKSEID, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" to "Meh, it's Darkseid again. Guess it's gonna take all out power to repeat the victory of some 15th-century Europeans."

And yes, eventually Slade tries to kill Lois, but Hawkman breaks in. Slade shoots at Hawkman... wait for it... he deflects with his bracer and pulls a mace... hooooold... Slade pulls a sword! Yes! Yes! Colonel Tigh and Daniel Jackson fucking DUEL in a Gestapo costume and the world's worst Hawkman cosplay!

So... beautifully... retarded...

After Slade stabs Hawkman, there's an explosion... someone just routed a pipe of pressurized gas through Slade's office, who built this place, Bevel Lemelisk?... Lois is blasted out the window, which she probably deserves for not helping out against Slade when she's an MMA champion or something, but Hawkman is able to save her.

Clark catches an apparently immortal (!) Slade leaving the premises, and after a brief "come to Darkseid" chat, Clark, uh... de-rezzes Slade with a Superman emblem. What was that even? Did he send him to the Phantom Zone? What's the point of that, why not just have him die in the explosion? Then he finds a dying Hawkman, who assures Clark that he'll soon be reborn. Anyone else amused that Michael Shanks is playing a character that dies a lot and is always resurrected? No?

Anyway, in Egypt the Justice League act as Hawkman's pallbearers while in costume... yeah, that's respectful... and bury him next to Shayera, whose mace is more petite than Hawkman's. Never too late for phallic symbolism. Then a... tiny pyramid comes up through the floor and bright-lights everyone unconscious? Apophis, no!

Speaking of Michael Shanks, let's talk about Claudia Black. Just to give you an idea of how lame Smallville is, it's a sci-fi show that's been on for ten years and Claudia Black hasn't shown up once! Couldn't she play Wonder Woman? I mean, they've done fucking Roulette, there's no excuse not to have Wonder Woman. In fact, you don't even need the rest of the cast. Give 'em the week off, entire episode of Claudia Black dressed as Wonder Woman. Just take any random episode out of the season, replace it with Claudia Black. I'll sum up what the audience has missed -- Clark and Lois are in love, Clark is judgy and anguished, and Darkseid is proving to be the greatest evil of all time by making random schlubs want to harm others (so he's at about the same power level as Bristol Palin's dancing).

Hey everybody, do you like Deathstroke? Superpowered mercenary, code of honor, one eye, whole brood of morally ambiguous kiddies, punched Zatanna in the ovaries once? Well, to paraphrase Patton Oswalt, how would you like to see him when he was just a douchey military officer with two eyes? Played by Michael Hogan! Yes, before anyone calls Smallville uncreative, when the time came to cast a famously one-eyed character, they got an actor famous for playing a character with one eye. Still, it'll all be worth it if they try to make it believable that Colonel Tigh is hopping around with a samurai sword, knocking all the superheroes around. Possibly while screaming about Gaius frakkin' Baltar.

Aside from that, this episode was hella boring. Arthur Curry returned. While he was offscreen, he learned that he was actually the King of Atlantis, met another Atlantean, and got married. We didn't see that because Jimmy Olsen taking drugs was more interesting. Anyway, now he's back and blowing up oil rigs, which lands him in trouble with Clark. Because it's only cool to blow up buildings when they're in the middle of heavily-populated areas.

Of course, they're really prisons for superheroes (how did he come to that conclusion? Wouldn't Occam's Razor suggest that they're for the dozens of supervillains the superheroes are capturing?), but AC doesn't explain this and Clark doesn't ask, leading to the obligatory superhero fight... which they don't have the budget for, so Clark gets splashed. Later, they explain this extreme lack of communication skills by saying everyone was scared of the government. Personally, I think they're all just dumbasses.

Meanwhile, all the anti-hero fervor (no, this has nothing to do with Image Comics) has led to the passage of the Vigilante Registration Act -- cough, cough -- in which vigilantes would begin working for the government. Which would make them cease to be vigilantes, so maybe they should come up with a better name? Perhaps the Superhero Registration Act? Although I'd hate for there to be some kind of Civil War between people who prefer the old name and proponents of the new one.

Ollie offers to sign up for it to test the waters, since he's already revealed his identity. Naturally, when he tells Lois about this life-changing decision, she's entirely focused on why Clark hasn't talked to her about this. Didn't you get her text, Clark? Well, you didn't text her back!

So, since the VRA is working exactly as it's supposed to and the good treatment of the first vigilante to sign up (a beloved celebrity figure, even!) could potentially lead to others joining up and the entire situation being resolved without violence, Slade immediately betrays him, spouting about truth, justice, and the American Way. Have they been filming in Vancouver so long that they've forgotten that's actually Superman's catchphrase? This is all explained as Darkseid's influence. Okay, so TPTB have realized their plots are so stupid they require an explanation, perhaps now we can work on plots that are actually good?

Oh, and Clark is exposed to Kryptonite while an entire military base explodes around him, but afterward he just shows up at the barn, lifting hay. Can anything at all hurt him? He fought Doomsday without getting a scratch, survived being tossed off a building while turned human by Blue Kryptonite... what's next? Is he going to watch the Ring videotape and give Samara a spanking? Say Candlejack and get some free rope? Have sex with Paris Hilton without using protection?

And in one of two interesting scenes, Mera -- that's AC's wife. And comics fans, if Aquaman wasn't enough to get you to start watching, how about Aquaman's significant other? How's that for a heavy hitter? -- is swimming with some dolphins when Lois approaches. Seeing her, Mera strips out of her wetsuit, both because humanity is the only civilization with a nudity taboo in the DC universe and because, well, this is just how women react to Lois Lane. They get into a banter-off, natch.

"Spoken like one who can never be satisfied by men of her own kind," Mera snipes at one point. Hey, it's not Lois's fault she can't be satisfied by men, she was born that way!

Then later, Lois visits the Watchtower, where she meets Tess and they eye-fuck for approximately forever. Seriously, they smile at each other so much that it's illegal in the state of Kentucky. Clark gives everyone the rundown on Darkseid, who has been downgraded from God of Evil, Ruler of Apokolips to, like, seriously bad vibes, man. Seriously, they can talk him up all they like, but he doesn't strike me as so much as job for Superman as a job for the Care Bears.


Who, by the way, are about 20% less gay than Lois.

So we start off with Ollie talking with his publicist (Deputy Jo!), who is discussing an upcoming social event where Ollie will drop in through a skylight in costume before a group of "Green Arrow Girls" dance. "Isn't that a little like Iron Man 2?" Ollie asks. Apparently, comparing himself to JFK did the trick, because Ollie is now beloved (!) by the city of Metropolis. He's opening a museum exhibit on Isis and her eternal love for Osiris, because he misses Chloe so much. Hey, what if that whole Dr. Fate/spy trade/faked death thing was just an elaborate way of dumping him? Admit it, Ollie seems like the clingy type.

Tess shows by to snark at Ollie some -- does she have a job, even? -- and hears Deputy Jo tell Ollie that an amulet has been stolen. But Jo isn't too worried, because the amulet is cursed so that whoever possesses it will spend eternity in hell. I'm sure the insurance companies will love to hear that.

Cut to Lois putting on a hoochie-mama outfit. She later says it's for the Egyptian exhibit opening, which is "themed." Yes, I'm sure all the VIPs and celebrities will be looking like assholes in Egyptian drag. The first step is admitting you have a problem, Lois. Lois practices telling Clark that he's the Blur until she's playing out a dialogue between herself and "Clark." Not mopey enough, Lois. Try getting angry and shouty, that'll nail it. We then see that she has the Isis amulet inside her purse.

So... who stole the amulet? Why did they give it to Lois? Or did Lois steal it in Egypt? If so, why? And how did she get it back to America? Don't the authorities check for this kind of thing? I guess the implication is that while she was with Carter Hall, she accidentally lifted it and just hasn't noticed until now. Yeah. Right. So, great job setting up the premise of your episode, writers.

Theme music, and at the Daily Planet Clark and Lois really like each other, but blah blah. Cat Grant shows up and Lois acts like a complete bitch to her for some reason. Clois go up to the roof to talk about their feelings, and Lois accidentally manages to activate the amulet and get herself possessed. What is this, the tenth time? Lois's body is officially a timeshare now. Fortunately, Isis!Lois is pretty HBIC, and completely shoots down Clark. Always fun. Then she flies off. Clark, your girlfriend has flown before you have.

So, an Egyptian goddess just possessed a lady. Did anyone stop to think about the theological implications of this? Either the Goa'ld are real or the Egyptians got it right. We'd better stop with this Jesus bullshit.

But skipping over that, in Smallville continuity, Isis's soul was imprisoned in the amulet by Set to stop her from putting together her husband, Osiris, of 'eternal love' fame. She managed to get his body back together, but his heart is still missing. And since Osiris became king of the underworld after Set ripped him apart, if Isis does resurrect him, it'll bring about "Hell on Earth." Because the Egyptian afterlife is totally identical to the Christian hell. Actually, according to Egyptian mythology, bad people would have their hearts eaten by a crocodile-god and just cease existing, so if the Egyptian afterlife did merge with the land of the living, we'd just have an influx of cool people. So, y'know, thanks for stopping Marilyn Monroe and Nicola Tesla from being resurrected, Clark.

Oh, and in actual mythology, there was no amulet, Isis did put Osiris back together, and it wasn't his heart that was missing, it was his cock. If the episode had used that, I would've had a lot more fun watching it... so let's just use our imagination on that one, for the sake of dirty jokes.

Ahem... even being possessed by an Egyptian goddess doesn't stop Lois from chasing cock.



Thank you and good night, ladies and gentlemen!

So since Carter Hall is unavailable for some reason... probably Apophis again, that guy never quits... Clark and Ollie turn to Tess for help. She has access to a database Lex put together on... Egyptian artifacts? Yeah, let's go with that. Ignoring Ollie being a little bitch about it, she figures out how to stop Isis.

Meanwhile, Cat Grant was snooping around the museum (how many reporters in real life practice this much breaking and entering?) when Isis broke in to get her junk... or should I say Osiris's junk... so now she thinks Isis is Lois is the Blur. Oh, Cat, believing the simplest explanation is the most likely, on this show? She almost got a picture, but Clark supersped her to a cafe to save her from Isis, losing Lois in the process. Maybe he could've just dumped her outside the room and still had time to confront Isis? Also, Isis!Lois knocked a guard across the room, so even with Tess covering for Lois, hope Cat doesn't ask that guy any questions.

With Osiris's cock in hand... sorry, his heart, Isis goes to get his body, but finds that it's decomposed, so she decides to put Orisis's cock in Clark... his heart, I meant to say his heart. It's evil, and it's whitewashing when you think about it. But with some help from Ollie, Clark is able to break the curse and save Lois.

Cat also gets the best line of the episode (not saying much in a show that used "low-tech laptop" twice, I know. Alliteration is the lowest form of wit, Smallville. Yes, I thought it was puns too). Seeing Isis enacting a "satanic ritual" with Clark tied to an altar, she mutters "I'll never understand liberals." So I guess Cat's a conservative. Which explains why she hates vigilantes, because if there's anyone who would hate a bunch of regular citizens doing things for themselves instead of letting the government handle it, it'd be a Republican.

By the way, the theme this episode, since Clark is thinking of telling Lois his secret, is risking shit for love. In typical Smallville fashion, this means everyone has long drawn-out chats about risking shit for love. Remember, the only subtext on Smallville is what Lois wants to do to hot women. Of course, there is no risk for Clark in telling Lois. He went to the future. He knows everything will work out and that she's trustworthy. He doesn't have to put any faith in her whatsoever. So relationship-fail on that one. Wouldn't it be a little dramatic if she was angry at him for lying to her, or if he saw a future where it was disastrous to tell her his secret and he decided to try to make it work anyway? Forget it, Jake, it's Smallville. Clark tells her and they get to be happy for five seconds until the next angst-bomb drops.

Oh, and in an actually involving storyline, Clark comes to trust Tess and decides to give her the keys to Watchtower. Of course, she didn't do all that much to prove herself (I think even Hitler would say no to hell on Earth) and she probably still has that ends-justify-the-means philosophy, so I wish this episode had been more focused on Tess's redemption rather than Cat Grant's schtick or Clois's bullshit drama. But anyway, Tess actually speeds off to privacy and breaks down into tears at being accepted by Clark. Okay, okay... AWW. I'm here if you need a hug, Tess. Then she goes home and decides to commit herself to the rapidly-aging Lex clone, reading to him from Peter Pan. Double AWW. Can he be Kon-El? Although their's is an interesting and psychologically complex relationship on this show, so you know one of them is going to turn out to be pure evil sooner or later.

On a positive note, I did like the scenes of Clark, Ollie, and Tess working together to save the day instead of indulging in cheap soap opera antics. It's the kind of thing I wish the show would do more of. Buffy had tons of scenes where everyone was getting along to fight the bad guy, and it was still plenty dramatic. Less is more, Smallville. Even if people aren't grousing about their angst every minute of every day, we can still feel bad for them.

Also, if fucking Isis gets an episode during the Darkseid season and Big Barda(/Scott Free!) doesn't, I will cut a bitch. I will cut all the bitches.

So we start off with the Darkseid CGI seen at the end of the premiere splitting into dozens of crows (the fuck?). In a dingy-looking apartment, Gordon Godfrey is hosting an AM radio show. I would say it's a podcast, but that would imply that anyone who's writing this was born after 1967. You can tell he's a nogoodnik because he's anti-immigration, which makes it rather weird when he drops the "truth, justice, and the American Way" line. 1. Isn't Smallville past this anvil-dropping now that Clark is pretty much Superman? Are you really telling me that he got his catchphrase from some rinky-dinky ham radio operator? 2. So now it's not enough to just omit Superman's motto, you have to actively identify it with his enemies? Wow. Just… wow. Obama's been in the White House for years. I don't care how liberal you are, I think it's okay to have a good guy say he stands for the American Way. Why not just have Peter Parker be a carefree fratboy and give the "with great power comes great responsibility" line to the uptight dean who ends up having sex with a donkey? Then Petey could say "with great power comes awesome parties!" and do two chicks at once. Quick, I've got to pitch this to Joe Quesada!

Faster than you can say Don Imus, Godfrey is off the air when one of the crows turns into a cloud of black smoke which possesses him, turning his eyes totally black. Someone call the Winchesters! And tell them to call their lawyer!

Really now. It's Darkseid. The trademarks of the character are his glowing red eyes and craggy skin. Couldn't they find some way to approximate that? It would take only an iota of effort and it wouldn't turn the Fourth World canon into a rip-off of the show that airs directly after Smallville. I mean, Jesus, people.

Cut to present-day, where Godfrey has become J. Jonah Jameson. I'm guessing he's supposed to be taken as influential, but his rally has, at best, 20 people. You're telling me he didn't have that many followers before Great Darkseid, ruler of Apokolips, put his evil in him? Clark is in the crowd, covering the anti-vigilantism event (real impartial journalism there) when Lois shows up, so that whole Egypt thing sure was important, I tell ya.

Godfrey unveils a new anti-superhero billboard, which wastes no time in breaking loose of its moorings and nearly flattening the crowd before Kara shows up to catch it. The Godfrey supporters immediately applaud. Man, easy room.

Back at the Daily Planet, Lois is reclaiming her desk from the absent Cat Grant by shoving all her things into a wastebasket. Of course, last episode, Cat did the same thing to Lois's stuff and we were meant to see her as a hateful bitch, but it's cool when Lois does it because… boobs?

Lois and Clark talk about how stupid it is for Kara to be fighting crime in broad daylight, even though Clark's been on a kick lately about how he should be more open about his crimefighting. Always one step forward, two steps back with this guy. Clark finds Kara having a photoshoot done. Being Clark, he says four words about being happy to see her and a hundred words about how She's Doing It Wrong and should immediately start doing things his way. Kara one-ups him by revealing she's on a mission from Jor-El, and getting photographed for Maxim is totally an integral part of that, so there! No, she can't tell him what the mission is, because Jor-El's disowned Clark. He just didn't understand all those fishing trips with Lex…

So, why would Kara go along with Jor-El's dickishness anyway?

Meanwhile, in church (?), Lois ambushes Godfrey for an interview. He says that Lois isn't a journalist, she's a blind follower of superheroes. Which is totally… factual? He goes on to say that he knows Green Arrow's true identity, and will reveal it when the final chapter of his book is released online in the near future. Don't you just hate that, you pick up a book at Barnes & Noble, then it turns out you have to wait for the final chapters to be put online? No, you don't, because no one does that.

Things take a turn for the boring. Clark and Kara bicker until Kara agrees to teach him to fly. Clark spends five minutes trying, fails, then whines. Gee, with a can-do attitude like that, why wouldn't Jor-El trust him with the fate of the world? Seriously, does he have a learning disability or something?
( Read more... )

Q: But we'll eventually see someone play Darkseid?

A: That part I can't really promise because we have yet to completely break the end of the season, but what I can say is that I think it will be a great payoff to what we've planted.

That much. They don't know yet whether their Big Bad will show up.

Title: Apocalypse's End
Fandom: Smallville
Rating: R
Word Count: 2,060
Characters/Pairings: Chloe/Davis.
Author's notes: Takes place after season nine. Betaed by nonky
Next: 2/8
Summary: It's the apocalypse. Where's your girlfriend?

( Think of Chloe. Stop short. Get rid of the fantasy that she'll rescue you, that she'll welcome you back with open arms. Look at yourself through her eyes. See your reflection. See the red tint in your eyes, the pointed incisors. Something's bled through, but not enough to scare her. You're still you. You're still Davis Bloom. )

This episode was really too creepy. I mean, forget the weiner-biting sorority vampires and the glam rock Scottish ghost, TPTB's idea of a healthy relationship is genuinely scary. The extent to which Clark plays mind games with Lois and actively destroys something that she's passionate about because he should be the most important thing in her life, is a lot more sinister than Zod could ever hope to be. And the scene where he says he and Lois are going to tell each other their secrets, except it's only a pretense to get her to spill the beans because that's better than following her around to find out what she's keeping from him (i.e. her privacy), right? Well, nothing this season has made me want to smack Zod.

In further depressingness, Lois actively tries not to find out Superman's identity. Because that would be conflict, and conflict would be interesting.

Although I will admit, the scene where Clark says he can't tell Lois his secret because it'll put her in danger... and he's talking to Chloe... that was supposed to make me laugh, right? "I can't put Lois in danger! I love her! By the way, Chloe, how's it going with my secret identity? Is the Blur on TV Tropes?"

We open with Jackie Brown in her office, which has gone way overboard with the chess motif. You don’t see FBI agents with belt buckles that spell out FBI, do you? It must get annoying, getting some chess-related knick-knack for every birthday or Christmas, just because you work for Checkmate. “Oh, a lamp shaped like a chess piece, goodie, I didn’t have enough light in my high-tech office. It’s not like I wanted The Wire on DVD or anything.”

Jackie moves a white piece to knock over her own knight, which has nothing to do with anything that follows, since she’s really moving the white knight to take out a black piece. But I guess she had to fool Green Arrow, in case he was watching.

Tess gets the high sign and hits a panic button in her office, causing a secret compartment to open. Inside are the parts of a gun, which she has to painstakingly assemble, load, and put a silencer on. Why not just keep a loaded gun there?

Then Tess jumps down a chute and lands in a different outfit with a wig on. It’s literally like something out of the Adam West Batman series. I loled.

A lot of pointless slo-mo shots follow, like Zack Snyder stopped by and decided to direct a routine scuffle like it was the Battle of Thermopylae. They had the budget for that, but not for Superman and Doomsday to actually, uh, fight?

It’s all part of a brilliant scheme to catch Green Arrow (luckily he stepped in to save Tess and not someone else). Then, Tess DOESN’T SEARCH GREEN ARROW AT ALL, so he uses a lockpick and PLASTIC EXPLOSIVES to escape. Jackie Brown rightfully chews Tess out for this. It’s awesome. See, Jackie is a guest star, so she’s allowed to have a brain.

( Morality is relative, but douchiness is clean-cut. )