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seriousficSo we start off watching Tess sleep, which transitions into a flashback of Tess sleeping as a child. There's nothing I could say that won't make me look like a creeper, so let's move on. She's in an orphanage, which she tries to escape, but she's captured after an excess of speed-ramping. Zach Snyder, no! So I guess this means Tess was raised at Granny Goodness' orphanage. And she was captured by pirates, which was where she met Ollie, and then she became a spy, and then she became Lex's right-hand man. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if she turned out to be the Lindberg baby (note from the future: I didn't know it when I made this joke, but, uh… HOLY SHIT).
She's also Batman.
After the credits, we see Lois sorting through a box of her mom's things where she finds a videotape. Lois is worried that it'll be her mother yelling at her for not visiting her when she was in the hospital, dying of cancer. Wow. How much of a bitch do you have to be if your daughter is afraid you left her a post-mortem rage-vomit?
Clark goes to Watchtower, where Tess needs help. See, she's worried because someone broke into the mansion and… BWAHAHAHA! Anyway, Clark manages to peel a sticker off and find a clue on the figurine that the intruder left. Good hustle, Clark. Now I see why she called you in. It leads them to, yes, Granny Goodness, who is at that moment wiping a girl's memory with CGI hands. That's a creative interpretation of her character.
Cut to Lois finally watching that tape her dead mother left behind. See, Clark needed to go on patrol… wait, you don't want to stick around to support your girlfriend as she watches her dead mother's last words to her? Okay. Ass. Anyway, her mom reveals that she didn't want Lois to visit her at the hospital, so no drama there. Lois's mom further reveals a figurine that the General got her when she found out she was pregnant, back when they were stationed in Russia (Lois is, what, mid-twenties? Were there a lot of U.S. military personnel stationed in Russia during the Cold War?). She's recorded the videos to guide Lois through the things a daughter should learn from a mother. "The backflip is 90% confidence." Ma Lane finishes up by telling Lois that she will always love her. Well, I can see how you'd need an entire videotape (one of a series) to tell her all that.
"Now here's a hilarious episode of Night Court to help you get over my passing."
Cut to Clark and Tess at the orphanage. In the middle of the orphans' rendition of Amazing Grace (maybe a reference to the Fourth World character of the same name. But probably not), Clark overhears a girl crying. He super-zips to find her, where conveniently she tells him about Granny's memory-erasing. He hears sounds of battle nearby, the girl helpfully telling him "that's what she turns us into." So Clark tucks the girl away and goes to investigate. Yes, leave the traumatized girl in jeopardy, this can't wait. Don't you have X-ray vision? Apparently not, because Clark goes to check out a Female Fury training camp (not that they're ever called Female Furies. That would be silly. Not like calling characters "Granny Goodness," "Desaad," and "Darkseid"), and by checking it out I mean "wander right the fuck into their midst." Bizarrely, these highly-trained Female Furies (who are naturally clad like they're doing a Maxim photoshoot) take a while before reacting to the dude getting up in their grill. When they do, they beat him to a pulp with a little help from the Kryptonite forge they're using to make weapons. Kryptonite: 1001 uses, one fictional isotope. He says he's there to help them, to which Mad Harriet replies "No one here needs saving except you." She doesn't seem that mad, if you ask me. You're no Mord'Sith, lady.
Tess asks questions of Granny Goodness, managing to get herself alone with the creeper old lady, who gives off a hundred and one warning signs. Tess, you're better than this.
Back at the Kent Farm, Lois has decided that since her mother means so much to her, she needs to reconcile Clark and his mind-rape-y ass of a bio-dad. Lois, honey, no. She decides to use the caves, but first has to find where Clark hid the key. Behind a bookshelf! In Clark's experience, no one would go near one of those!
Granny reveals to Tess that she wanted to make her a Female Fury, but Tess's birth parents had other plans. Ummm, writers? Orphanage? Birth parents? I think you're a little confused as to how all this works. We're not talking about Donna Troy here. Granny further says that she's the one that took Tess to Cadmus Labs. Yeah, evil orphanage, Lex's cloning facility, I can see the connection. She calls Tess her favorite, the strongest girl she's ever raised. Nuh-uh, stranger bitch, you no Big Barda. You not even Little Barda. Tess, possibly agreeing with me, tries to leave, but Granny knocks her down with telekinesis. She runs for it, stopping to try to use a rotary phone to call for help. Because I guess she didn't bring her cell phone with her into 1947.
Granny locks Tess up, cackling "Back in your old room!" Man, she really knows how to rub it in. Tess doesn't manage to escape, but does manage to find that someone has scratched "Somebody save me" into the wall. When she gets out, maybe she'll write "Believe it or not, I'm walking on air" into a corner of her safe haven.
She's able to escape using the same key she hid and used as a child. Great security, Granny. I'm sure it took all Scott Free's efforts to escape from there. Tess runs into Mad Harriet, and they get into a catfight. Well, now we know where Tess gets it from.
Lois visits the FoS and uses that Teri Hatcher guest spot to argue for Clark and Jor-El to reconcile. "You can still be there for him!" she says. Lois, remember that time Jor-El "was there" for Clark and Ma Kent had a fucking miscarriage? Lois goes on to say that Clark can't live up to his potential with "the ghost of your disappointment haunting him" (sucks for Ollie, having to be a hero and never being able to get his father's approval), but since the show can't spring for Terence Stamp, he's silent. Then Lois starts bitching Jor-El out, which naturally gets her blasted by a ray which lifts her into the air. Hey, we all want to probe Erica Durance's anus, but this is getting Oedipal!
Meanwhile, Granny is about to brainwash Clark. He's able to use his Arctic breath to freeze the chain holding… some lead?... over the Kryptonite fire, but almost gets mind-raped (wait, can't use that word… sexual assault with the mind as an erogenous zone? No?) because it takes a while to break. The answer we were looking for was heatvision. With the fire covered, he's able to break free, but the AARP member has managed to get away. He super-zips over to find Tess strangling to death at Lashina's hands… guess that whole "welcome back to the fold" thing was bunk… but saves her. Lashina starts crackling her whips. Aww shit, get ready for an epic fight between Superman and a Female Fury, the elite of Darkseid's armies of darkness!
Or he could just zip over and knock her out. Fuck you, show. So, I guess the Female Furies don't have superpowers at all? In that case, why train them to use whips and Freddy Krueger claws? There're these things called guns, Granny Goodness. I know you're old, but maybe you should look into them.
"Isn't that just like an Apokoliptian. Brings a cat o' nine tails to a gunfight!"
Tess thanks Clark for saving her, saying she was sure she could handle it on her own. Yeah, usually Tess is so good at dealing with scantily-clad women with whips. Back home, Clark finds the Key gone and goes to the Fortress, where he saves Lois from… hovering. Clark says he and Jor-El are fucking done professionally, Lois makes another plea for father-son reconciliation, and the Fortress plays a recording of JulianSands!Jor-El and HelenSlater!Lara, taken just before Krypton was destroyed. Wait, so if Jor-El was Julian Sands-y right up until his death, why does his version 2.0 sound like Terence Stamp? Anyway, Jor-El explains that he sent the computer program to be all his knowledge, with none of his ego or regrets. And that worked out like gangbusters. This does kinda tie in with some dialogue Clark has with Granny about how he doesn't want her to erase his angst because it makes him who he is (so that's why they were treating "join the legion of darkness" as a moral conundrum for a minute there), so I guess this ties in with the AI being such a douche. In summary, I NEED MY PAIN! (This does make it total bullshit that Brainiac told Clark he needed to let go of his angst to be a true hero, but, you know… this show)
NiceGuy!Jor-El tells Clark he can be Earth's greatest savior (suck it, Jesus!) and sends his love. Anyway, I'm so glad we had the budget for all these guest stars to say they love their kids and not for Superman to actually, you know, fight someone. Back home, Clark offers to take Lois to karaoke night at a club. "If we don't get there soon, someone is going to steal all the Whitesnake songs!" So with continuity, they can keep track of what 80s band Lois likes, but not whether or not Davis is a psychotic killer? Alright…
Then, in an abandoned warehouse or some shit, Godfrey, Granny, and Desaad (a sex club owner who looks like Tom Hardy with added yeast) confab. Apparently, Godfrey wasn't possessed by Darkseid, just empowered by him or something. Really? Can we not have a straight story for five minutes? Anyway, they actually name-drop Darkseid, so that's a good sign, because I don't want to have to watch Superman worrying about "the Darkness" for a whole year, but still… Grandma, Glenn Beck, and Axel Braun. Not really seeing how they're the dream team of evil here.
Oh, and Tess discovers that she was abandoned at the orphanage by Lionel Luthor, and is really "Lucretia Luthor." So Tess and Lex are siblings. Time for a Counting Crows song!
No, not that one! The other one! Accidentally incest.
She's also Batman.
After the credits, we see Lois sorting through a box of her mom's things where she finds a videotape. Lois is worried that it'll be her mother yelling at her for not visiting her when she was in the hospital, dying of cancer. Wow. How much of a bitch do you have to be if your daughter is afraid you left her a post-mortem rage-vomit?
Clark goes to Watchtower, where Tess needs help. See, she's worried because someone broke into the mansion and… BWAHAHAHA! Anyway, Clark manages to peel a sticker off and find a clue on the figurine that the intruder left. Good hustle, Clark. Now I see why she called you in. It leads them to, yes, Granny Goodness, who is at that moment wiping a girl's memory with CGI hands. That's a creative interpretation of her character.
Cut to Lois finally watching that tape her dead mother left behind. See, Clark needed to go on patrol… wait, you don't want to stick around to support your girlfriend as she watches her dead mother's last words to her? Okay. Ass. Anyway, her mom reveals that she didn't want Lois to visit her at the hospital, so no drama there. Lois's mom further reveals a figurine that the General got her when she found out she was pregnant, back when they were stationed in Russia (Lois is, what, mid-twenties? Were there a lot of U.S. military personnel stationed in Russia during the Cold War?). She's recorded the videos to guide Lois through the things a daughter should learn from a mother. "The backflip is 90% confidence." Ma Lane finishes up by telling Lois that she will always love her. Well, I can see how you'd need an entire videotape (one of a series) to tell her all that.
"Now here's a hilarious episode of Night Court to help you get over my passing."
Cut to Clark and Tess at the orphanage. In the middle of the orphans' rendition of Amazing Grace (maybe a reference to the Fourth World character of the same name. But probably not), Clark overhears a girl crying. He super-zips to find her, where conveniently she tells him about Granny's memory-erasing. He hears sounds of battle nearby, the girl helpfully telling him "that's what she turns us into." So Clark tucks the girl away and goes to investigate. Yes, leave the traumatized girl in jeopardy, this can't wait. Don't you have X-ray vision? Apparently not, because Clark goes to check out a Female Fury training camp (not that they're ever called Female Furies. That would be silly. Not like calling characters "Granny Goodness," "Desaad," and "Darkseid"), and by checking it out I mean "wander right the fuck into their midst." Bizarrely, these highly-trained Female Furies (who are naturally clad like they're doing a Maxim photoshoot) take a while before reacting to the dude getting up in their grill. When they do, they beat him to a pulp with a little help from the Kryptonite forge they're using to make weapons. Kryptonite: 1001 uses, one fictional isotope. He says he's there to help them, to which Mad Harriet replies "No one here needs saving except you." She doesn't seem that mad, if you ask me. You're no Mord'Sith, lady.
Tess asks questions of Granny Goodness, managing to get herself alone with the creeper old lady, who gives off a hundred and one warning signs. Tess, you're better than this.
Back at the Kent Farm, Lois has decided that since her mother means so much to her, she needs to reconcile Clark and his mind-rape-y ass of a bio-dad. Lois, honey, no. She decides to use the caves, but first has to find where Clark hid the key. Behind a bookshelf! In Clark's experience, no one would go near one of those!
Granny reveals to Tess that she wanted to make her a Female Fury, but Tess's birth parents had other plans. Ummm, writers? Orphanage? Birth parents? I think you're a little confused as to how all this works. We're not talking about Donna Troy here. Granny further says that she's the one that took Tess to Cadmus Labs. Yeah, evil orphanage, Lex's cloning facility, I can see the connection. She calls Tess her favorite, the strongest girl she's ever raised. Nuh-uh, stranger bitch, you no Big Barda. You not even Little Barda. Tess, possibly agreeing with me, tries to leave, but Granny knocks her down with telekinesis. She runs for it, stopping to try to use a rotary phone to call for help. Because I guess she didn't bring her cell phone with her into 1947.
Granny locks Tess up, cackling "Back in your old room!" Man, she really knows how to rub it in. Tess doesn't manage to escape, but does manage to find that someone has scratched "Somebody save me" into the wall. When she gets out, maybe she'll write "Believe it or not, I'm walking on air" into a corner of her safe haven.
She's able to escape using the same key she hid and used as a child. Great security, Granny. I'm sure it took all Scott Free's efforts to escape from there. Tess runs into Mad Harriet, and they get into a catfight. Well, now we know where Tess gets it from.
Lois visits the FoS and uses that Teri Hatcher guest spot to argue for Clark and Jor-El to reconcile. "You can still be there for him!" she says. Lois, remember that time Jor-El "was there" for Clark and Ma Kent had a fucking miscarriage? Lois goes on to say that Clark can't live up to his potential with "the ghost of your disappointment haunting him" (sucks for Ollie, having to be a hero and never being able to get his father's approval), but since the show can't spring for Terence Stamp, he's silent. Then Lois starts bitching Jor-El out, which naturally gets her blasted by a ray which lifts her into the air. Hey, we all want to probe Erica Durance's anus, but this is getting Oedipal!
Meanwhile, Granny is about to brainwash Clark. He's able to use his Arctic breath to freeze the chain holding… some lead?... over the Kryptonite fire, but almost gets mind-raped (wait, can't use that word… sexual assault with the mind as an erogenous zone? No?) because it takes a while to break. The answer we were looking for was heatvision. With the fire covered, he's able to break free, but the AARP member has managed to get away. He super-zips over to find Tess strangling to death at Lashina's hands… guess that whole "welcome back to the fold" thing was bunk… but saves her. Lashina starts crackling her whips. Aww shit, get ready for an epic fight between Superman and a Female Fury, the elite of Darkseid's armies of darkness!
Or he could just zip over and knock her out. Fuck you, show. So, I guess the Female Furies don't have superpowers at all? In that case, why train them to use whips and Freddy Krueger claws? There're these things called guns, Granny Goodness. I know you're old, but maybe you should look into them.
"Isn't that just like an Apokoliptian. Brings a cat o' nine tails to a gunfight!"
Tess thanks Clark for saving her, saying she was sure she could handle it on her own. Yeah, usually Tess is so good at dealing with scantily-clad women with whips. Back home, Clark finds the Key gone and goes to the Fortress, where he saves Lois from… hovering. Clark says he and Jor-El are fucking done professionally, Lois makes another plea for father-son reconciliation, and the Fortress plays a recording of JulianSands!Jor-El and HelenSlater!Lara, taken just before Krypton was destroyed. Wait, so if Jor-El was Julian Sands-y right up until his death, why does his version 2.0 sound like Terence Stamp? Anyway, Jor-El explains that he sent the computer program to be all his knowledge, with none of his ego or regrets. And that worked out like gangbusters. This does kinda tie in with some dialogue Clark has with Granny about how he doesn't want her to erase his angst because it makes him who he is (so that's why they were treating "join the legion of darkness" as a moral conundrum for a minute there), so I guess this ties in with the AI being such a douche. In summary, I NEED MY PAIN! (This does make it total bullshit that Brainiac told Clark he needed to let go of his angst to be a true hero, but, you know… this show)
NiceGuy!Jor-El tells Clark he can be Earth's greatest savior (suck it, Jesus!) and sends his love. Anyway, I'm so glad we had the budget for all these guest stars to say they love their kids and not for Superman to actually, you know, fight someone. Back home, Clark offers to take Lois to karaoke night at a club. "If we don't get there soon, someone is going to steal all the Whitesnake songs!" So with continuity, they can keep track of what 80s band Lois likes, but not whether or not Davis is a psychotic killer? Alright…
Then, in an abandoned warehouse or some shit, Godfrey, Granny, and Desaad (a sex club owner who looks like Tom Hardy with added yeast) confab. Apparently, Godfrey wasn't possessed by Darkseid, just empowered by him or something. Really? Can we not have a straight story for five minutes? Anyway, they actually name-drop Darkseid, so that's a good sign, because I don't want to have to watch Superman worrying about "the Darkness" for a whole year, but still… Grandma, Glenn Beck, and Axel Braun. Not really seeing how they're the dream team of evil here.
Oh, and Tess discovers that she was abandoned at the orphanage by Lionel Luthor, and is really "Lucretia Luthor." So Tess and Lex are siblings. Time for a Counting Crows song!
No, not that one! The other one! Accidentally incest.
