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Seen here is Tom Hardy's screen test for Shinzon in Star Trek: Nemesis, Picard's clone/nemesis. It's interesting just how much better the screen test is to the finished film, at least to me. In the test, you can see this weird vulnerability and simmering tension on the part of Hardy. He knows he has to betray Picard eventually, but he's still desperate for a kind of approval from this guy. In the final film, everything seems more subdued. Patrick Stewart almost seems bored. Yup, just another young adult clone of me that's taken over the Federation's largest enemy, ho-hum.

I hate to lay this at the feet of director Stuart Baird, especially when he went on to do classics such as... uhh, literally nothing. Hunh.
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Title: Prison break
Fandom: Star Trek
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 1,339
Characters/Pairings: Romulan Communications Officer/Gaila
Summary: Just because Gaila is a prisoner doesn't mean she can't make the best of it. Written for the [ profile] femslash_today porn battle prompt "capture."

You can be entertained too. Just watch. Us Orions love to put on a show. )
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Michael Piller, writer of Insurrection, wrote a manuscript detailing the writing process behind that film before his untimely death. It leaked to the internet, natch, where it makes for an interesting read how a premise about alternately A. Picard coming into conflict with his oldest friend, B. Picard being forced to kill Data, and C. Picard losing faith in his government and actively rebelling against it, became a light and fluffy movie in which Picard and co. fight for six hundred smug Space Amish to live forever while billions of others die. A lot of that seems to stem from Patrick Stewart's rather bizarre insistence on doing away with any emotional conflict for Picard (in the form of a very bizarre metaphor about cricket) in favor of him being a two-dimensional action hero .

Department of Irony: The emotional high point of the movie, Picard killing Data, was done away with, then in the next movie they killed him off in a much less interesting manner. Everyone on the production staff was against the usage of Romulans as the villains, feeling they weren't a fitting follow-up to the Borg; so they came up with a much-feared race of monsters no one had ever heard of before. Then the little-seen flop Star Trek 2009 featured Romulans as the villains. One of the studio notes was asking if Worf could get air-sick while he and Picard pursued Data in a shuttlecraft, and might shout suggestions to Picard while vomiting in the back. That's really only ironic in an Alanis Morrissette way, but I thought you should know.

But, most... actually, I have no idea how to set this up, so I'm just going to block quote.

We’ll explore the emotional, intellectual and sexual benefits of being young. For example, Riker’s libido will get more active and Troi will feel jealous as she sees him soaking buck-naked in a mud bath with two female ensigns. Later, she turns the tables when he sees her soaking in the same mud bath buck-naked with five male ensigns.

If that's what they cut out, then what they left in must be pure gold!
seriousfic: (Star Trek)
Title: Three’s Company
Fandom: Star Trek
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 2,332
Author’s notes: Written for the Porn Battle. Prompt: Roommates
Characters/Pairings: Gaila/Kirk/Uhura
Summary: It isn’t like Gaila was angling for a threesome. She just happened to have Jim Kirk naked in the closet and Uhura just happened to be in the mood. These things happen to Orion girls.

Okay, once. Just once. And if you so much as breathe a word of this to anyone, I will beam you into general assembly buck-naked. )
seriousfic: (Star Trek)
Watch it.

Once you get past the cracky opening (taken generously, Kirk and McCoy make up an excuse about needing to "treat" "gynophobia" to stop off at Tamaran Planet Free Love), the premise kicks in and it's actually pretty legitimately disturbing, certainly far scarier than anything Enterprise ever did. An unkillable energy being that can possess anyone, even the ship, likes to kill women and feeds on your fear? Oh, did I mention it TALKS WITH THE VOICE OF PIGLET? Eventually it does take over the ship and tells everyone how they're going to die, its voice modulating from Piglet's squeakiness to a demonically guttural voice in mid-sentence. Oh, by the way, the Captain ordered that you be hopped up on goofballs, so good luck defending yourself. They could've gotten a whole episode out of that, rather than a "murder mystery" with an impossible solution (really, it's about as fun as an Agatha Christie novel that reveals at the end that the killer was really an escapee from a local mental institution).

And in case that wasn't enough Nightmare Fuel, the killer comes back to life and holds a woman hostage, but she's been sedated, so all she can do is laugh about it. McCoy even cracks a joke. Then they manage to sedate him, and as he continues to spew a stream-of-consciousness rant of homicidal intent, they beam him into space at maximum possible dispersal, so he can slowly feel himself disintegrate. And of course, there's no guarantee that will work...

So, some great potential, but too much time spent on Scotty's "It was the one-armed man!" spiel. Likewise, the free love society where it's shameful to be jealous of your fiance banging other men doesn't get enough development to be really interesting. Both the characters and the plot basically treat it as an excuse to get laid, with little insight as to how Argelius II would work. This would be okay for just the opening, but they spend so much time on it instead of Redjac that you're just like "fah, free love, get on with it."

Plus, how many times does Scotty have to kill someone before they put him in handcuffs, just as a sop to the Argelians?

The scene where McCoy and Kirk observe that they're among the last to be injected and argue over who has to be injected, that could've been a great scene. And even hamstringing the possessed computer with a logic problem was Real Science enough to get away with. I just wish they'd spent a whole episode on trying to stay alive onboard the USS Jack The Ripper instead of on a half-baked mystery (although John Fielder does some great work).

On a sidenote, all the "is he Vulcan or gay?" scenes where someone starts to talk to Spock about getting some furburgers, than realize they might as well be talking to Dan Didio about how much a D-list character deserves to live, take on a new light when you assume he's kneedeep in Uhura. He's basically the one married guy on a crew full of raging horndog swingers. And on another reboot note, medical gynophobia is now a problem that can be easily be treated by assigning Gaila to work with someone. "Why yes, Mr. Scott, I think we'll be working very closely together..."

Memorable lines:

Kirk: I've invited [bellydancer babe] to join us at the table. I thought you might like to meet her.

Scotty: Now that's what I call a real captain, always thinking of his men!

I know the Kirk vs. Picard debate will never be settled, but always remember this: Kirk got his crew fucked.

Spock: And I suspect [Redjac] preys on women because woman are more easily and more deeply terrified, generating more sheer horror than a male of the same species.

Okay, I take that back about Spock being kneedeep in Uhura. I think someone's gonna be doing an awful lot of 'meditating' alone for the next month... I do love that the next shot shows the female ensign RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. That class-action sexual harassment suit against the bridge crew has another claimant.

Redjac: I am without ending! I have existed since the dawn of time and I shall live beyond its end!

Kirk vs. one of the Old Ones? FUCK YOU, KIRK WINS.

Redjac: I could cut off your oxygen and suffocate you!

Sulu: Captain... (gets injected) Whoever he is, he sure talks gloomy.

It's like a stoner comedy... directed by David Lynch!

ETA: Mr. Piglet fight scene! "Oh, D-d-d-DROPKICK!"
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Watch it.

You gotta love any episode in which the crew encounters a nigh-omnipotent being and basically goes "whatevs." Because, you know, nigh-omnipotent energy being threatening the ship? Must be Tuesday. Kirk bitch-slaps him (THREE TIMES!) and Spock gives us some Vulcan snark, which is the best snark in the galaxy.

Trelane: (pissy about Spock) Not quite human, is he?

Spock: My father is from the planet Vulcan.

Trelane: And are its natives predatory?

Spock: Not generally… but there have been exceptions.

Watch it, Trelane. You mess with the sehlat, you get the fangs.
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Watch for free.

*Did McCoy actually apologize for offending Spock? Aww…

*I love how all the engineers literally throw themselves at Norman to try to stop him from sabotaging the ship. THOSE ARE MR. SCOTT’S ENGINES, BUB.

*Uhura and Chekov nearly bumping into Norman is a cute touch. WHATEV, DEACTIVATED ANDROID ON THE BRIDGE, THEY HAVE SHIT TO DO.

*So the androids are identified by their halting, hesitation-ridden speech patterns. I’m surprised they didn’t go the obvious route and reveal Kirk has been an android all along.

*Spock: Five hundred of the same model. That seems rather redundant.

Mudd: I have a fondness for this particular model, Mr. Spock, that you, unfortunately, are ill-equipped to appreciate.

Off-camera, Uhura is laughing her ass off.

*Did Mudd just say “information wants to be free”? You just know Mudd’s one of those torrenters who makes you download a zip file, then you have to go to his website to get the password.

*Look at Bones’s face during the reveal of the “shrine” to Mudd’s wife.

Bones: Well, he’s a douche, but you can’t help but admire…

Kirk: NO.

*Androids: Why should we leave you?

Kirk: BECAUSE we don’t like you! (makes shooing sounds)


*McCoy geeking out at the science lab! I love when he’s as much of a nerd as Spock.

*You just know Scotty is still pissed about someone messing with his engines.

*Chekov: Oh well, it doesn’t make much difference, you’re both lovely.

Such. A. Pimp.

*Kirk: No, [the Enterprise] is a beautiful lady and WE LOVE HER.

*Nowadays, Mudd and his wife come off less like the Lockhorns and more like Mudd is a distant descendant of Warren Mears.

*Oh, Uhura, you were ALWAYS awesome, weren’t you?

*And now the crew has to destroy the androids by acting kooky. There’s a fanfic cliché that never caught on. “Spock, we must destroy the robots with illogic! Take off your pants!” Oh, TOS, you’re canon crackfic, aren’t you?

*Chekov’s dancing can kill robots. CANON.

*Spock loves ‘em and leaves ‘em. Don’t hate the playa, hate the game. “Faaascinating.”

*Those androids are totally following the Zeroth Law.

*So, the androids’ one weakness is performance art? I feel like that sometimes.

*Spock: …nowhere am I so eminently needed as onboard a ship full of illogical humans.

I think I got something in my eye there…

*Admittedly, that was one of the better pwnings Kirk's handed out.

So this has aged much better than Mudd's Women, with the classic "destroy computers with illogic" plot, the crew getting a chance to be whimsical (unfortunately, future Treks grew away from that grinning sense of fun and tended to replace it with self-seriousness), and of course Mudd getting a much better chance to be a foil for Kirk. Apparently, Mudd was supposed to come out of cryogenic suspension in the TNG episode The Neutral Zone, but after the actor died, the part was rewritten to be a 20th-century businessman. While it's always a shame to miss out on Mudd, I don't think the tones of Mudd and Picard would interact that well, and besides, Q filled the same archetype in a very different, very fitting way.
seriousfic: (Star Trek)
Title: Strange New World
Fandom: Star Trek
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,899
Characters/Pairings: Kirk/Gaila, Uhura/Spock, Number One
Summary: Kirk gets a new first officer, a new mission, and a serious headache.

Captain, you are the youngest captain in Starfleet, therefore the least experienced, therefore the least trusted. Look upon this as an opportunity to prove your mettle. I am certain you will rise to the occasion. )

Author's note: For what it's worth, I'm picturing Shohreh Aghdashloo as Number One. The one part of Star Trek that I thought was weakest was how Kirk is suddenly in charge of the flagship by the end of the movie. So here it's all something of a PR move/desperation on Starfleet's part, with a no-nonsense XO to keep him in check. This is a multi-part fic, which will focus more on the rest of the crew on coming installments (hopefully).

Followed by Planet Eden.
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For free online.

At about 9:20, Spock totally scoops out one of the space-order brides and gives Kirk a look like "Damn, Jim, that ass be totally logical." I don't think it will ever stop being funny. I demand a gif.

You know, after STXI showed that Spock was persecuted on a daily basis for his race, McCoy's razzing about him being Vulcan isn't really as funny.

It's kinda a testament to how unfortunately dated the show has become that the concept of three women who transfix the male crew with the power of self-confidence doesn't work anymore (okay, admittedly the Venus drugs change the camera for a soft-focus lens, but still...). Nowadays you'd think either the crew is already getting enough lovin' from each other or they'd just have enough women and gay men (and asexual aliens) onboard to cancel it out. Which didn't stop Enterprise from doing the exact same plot with Orion slave women, as I recall, although this time they had pheromones (instead of Venus drugs) that made the men all "sexy times nao?" and gave the women headaches. It wasn't a proud moment for Trekkies.

Likewise, the moral of "you should totally value a wife who can cook and sew over a hot babe" is now not so much feminist as Madonna/whore-y. You can see what they're going for, but nowadays it's like "ummm... yeah."

More bits

May. 22nd, 2009 11:00 pm
seriousfic: (Star Trek)
In the mirror universe, would Gaila be an evil (or, you know, "evil" for the value of sexy and awesome) pirate captain in the Orion Syndicate?


No, Jim Kirk isn't a jerk for hitting on Uhura while Gaila is in the same room because they share the same taste in women. Kirk and Gaila are obviously the threesome sluts of Starfleet Academy. Was at some point a Kirk/Bones/Gaila sandwich made? It depends on your thoughts on yaoi.
seriousfic: (Star Trek)
Title: Going Down
Fandom: Star Trek
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 695
Characters/Pairings: Kirk/Gaila
Author's Notes: Written for [ profile] taraljc's DOOD, GAILA IS AWESOME COMMENTFIC EXTRAVAGANZA
Summary: It was one month into his captaincy that Jim got into a turbolift with Gaila, alone.

I understand it can be a bit weird, serving under someone you’ve… )
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YOU GUYS, I am so psyched for a Q vs. Trelane Star Trek sequel (TNG crew optional... sob... yes, I know it'd be impossible to cross them over with the XI crew and give over a dozen characters something cool to do, since even Bones got short-shifted in XI, but... I can still dream about a three-hour TNG vs. TOS movie. You can't take the sky from me).

Where as I before I flagrantly abused the parenthetical? Oh, right, Trelane movie. HERE ARE SOME AWESOME MOTHERFUCKERS WHO SHOULD BE IN IT.

Cut to hold in the AWESOME. )
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Fun, even when you can't see the line for the next showing waiting outside as you leave. And scream "Kirk is Spock's father!" at them.

Things I Want For The Sequel

*More supporting character love. Nowadays the TOS crew is pretty lilly-white and Y-chromosome in comparison to more modern ensembles, so liven things up. Nurse Chapel, Number One (and yes, she needs to be there because there should be SOMEONE with experience on the bridge, movie), Yeoman Rand, M'Ress, Arex, Carol Marcus, Gaila, new characters... can there be a lesbian head of security who wears a wifebeater under her uniform and wields those groovy TOS phaser rifles? All for, say aye? All opposed? Thought so.

*Total fantard here, but Trelane versus Q in an interstellar chess match, with the Squire's Ent-A crew against Q's Ent-E crew. Because John DeLancie is just that great as Q that it'd be a shame to never see him in the movies or squaring off against the TOS crew, the Squire of Gothos is bugfuck crazy enough to correct Star Trek XI's villain deficiency, and let's face it, Nemesis was a piss-poor send-off to the TNG crew. Have them spend most of the movie fighting each other to preserve "their" timeline, with debate among both crews about if what they're doing is right, then at the end they realize they're being manipulated (with some hinting from Q), team up, and wreck Trelane's shit by destroying his power source. Possibly by having Kirk ask a computer about the meaning of love. And maybe with some classic City On The Edge Of Forever craziness of having the destruction of the Kelvin and the ensuing deviations somehow dooming the entire universe unless someone makes a painful sacrifice.

YES, I AM THAT FAN, SHUT UP, I WANT IT. Plus, it'd correct the whole canon hole in STXI of the Romulans sitting around for 25 years without the Time Cops doing jack shit to correct the timeline. Q did it for the lulz!

Plus, would Q have a chance to snark on the Organians? SHIT YES HE WOULD!

*Andorians and Tellarites. I love those crazy fuckers. CLAP IF YOU LOVE SHRAN.

*Harry Mudd. You know you want that jive-ass motherfucker to be all up in Enterprise's shit, until he turns out to happen to have the McGuffin necessary to save the day. WHAT.
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Short version: I don't know if any of you were there for this, but when Enterprise was canceled, while there were some who mourned that it was going out just as it was actually starting to sing for its supper, there was a widespread attitude that a break from TV would let demand build, new ideas form, and give Star Trek the chance for the same creative renaissance that Doctor Who had recently.

Star Trek XI is what we've been waiting for.

The long version, with spoilers. )


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