seriousfic

Title: Logan and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
Fandom: Ultimate Spider-Man/Ultimate X-Men
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 19,000
Characters/Pairings: Scott/Raven, Peter/Dazzler
Summary: While their minds are switched, Logan enjoys being Spider-Man. Meanwhile, Peter does not enjoy being hunted for sport by mutant-hating psychos.

“So, wait—“ Piotr held up a hand. “You’ve replaced Wolverine, the most dangerous mutant on the planet, with some random high school student? How could you do that? We have no chance of escape now!”

“He’s not just some student. He’s Spider-Man.”

“Whoa!” Peter cried. “Time-out, time-out, hold the friggin’ phone! You cannot just tell people my secret identity!”

“So he’s Spider-Man, so what?” Alison asked. “I already forgot his name.”

“And my face? I can’t believe you’re all looking at my face. Can I get a mask in here?”

Okay, so I already made a post on fixing The Amazing Spider-Man, but that was more of a full rewrite thing. This is, like, five minutes, tops. I actually think it might've been the direction they were going in the movie before they cut the entire thing into seafood.

Okay, so Gwen is worried that Peter will die like she's been worrying about her father since he became a cop (you know, the one moment of characterization she has?). She tells him, hey, quit this Spider-Man gig. He's all, yeah, yeah, as soon as I catch my uncle's killer. Then, you know, he catches him. Or the guy gets picked up running a red light. We can even have Aunt May be the one to tell Peter, give her something to do. So now Peter and Gwen can be 2gether 4ever, right? Only now the Lizard's running around and Peter's feeling responsible for that, so he has to keep being Spider-Man, which Gwen isn't happy about. Boom, conflict, theme.

Also, the ending. I guess they were trying to make Gwen's upcoming death more of a plot point by having Peter be responsible for it, but it doesn't play at all as an ominous moment of "this guy hasn't learnt his lesson." Everyone in the story and behind the scenes treats "Promises you can't keep are the best kind" like Peter has just overcome his fear of flying or something. So instead of this stupid, convoluted sequence of Peter-can't-be-with-Gwen, Gwen-guesses-it-was-her-father's-last-wishes, Peter-decides-he-does-want-to-be-with-her-after-all, how about he just lies? They're at the funeral, Peter's comforting her, she asks if her dad said anything before he dies, Peter makes up something like "He asked me to take care of you." They hug, he looks guilty, to be continued.

It'd be dark and uncomfortable, subversive, instead of just a less ballsy replay of the first movie's denouncement. We're four movies into the Spider-Man series, it's an institution now, they're pretty much guaranteed moneymakers. Superhero movies have stopped being a risky proposition and become a cottage industry. Why not be a little punk rock?

So I suppose I should codify this into a review at some point, just like my thoughts on Kirsten Dunst's Mary Jane Watson and Emma Stone's Gwen Stacy (for instance... MJ has a character arc, Gwen does not). But let's start small.

Building up to the release of ASM, a lot of the concern was on Andrew Garfield's Peter Parker. He was spotlighted in trailers looking like he was auditioning for the Trenchcoat Mafia and slamming people into lockers. So, is he a nerd or is he a "lone wolf"?

Well, both, to the film's detriment. Garfield's actual performance has all the tics and awkwardness of a nerd (almost too many), but there's a bit where Spider-Man discovers his powers through skateboarding that is slap-worthy (the movie doesn't have the wit to have its bullies torment Peter for his dated, uncool interest in skateboarding) and for some reason he wears a hoodie everywhere. I kinda thought Tom Cruise drove that into the ground with Mission Impossible: The Ghost Protocol, but apparently it has a few more years before being as "cool" as leather trenchcoats.

Basically, the old movie had no bones about Tobey Maguire being a nerd. He looked like a nerd (Andrew Garfield wears contacts until he inexplicably decides to swap them out for his father's eyeglasses), he got picked on (Garfield actually helps out other people who get picked on, just ineffectually), he was invisible to girls (even before becoming Spider-Man, Garfield's Parker quickly catches the eye of Gwen Stacy). That's because it was important to Raimi to have the audience emphasize with Peter before he became Spider-Man. If Marc Webb were making Harry Potter, Harry would have a cool bachelor pad in the cupboard under the stairs, and be introduced shoving Dursley off Cho Chang.

Just for comparison, did any of you guys watch 21 Jump Street? That movie got being a nerd. It had characters blowing chemicals up "for science," throwing ninja stars at pictures of General Zod, making dorky in-joke references to Star Wars--that's how most nerds act. (Oddly, the Webb film makes Gwen Stacy a science nerd--I guess?--then doesn't have her and Peter bond over science at all.) The old saw is that geeks are just people who are passionate about uncool things. Garfield's Peter never strikes me as that kind of passionate; he's just sorta obsessed with his parents, and he uses his father's work as a cheat sheet to get into Connors' good graces and become a superhero. (Remember all the hubbub about how organic webshooters made Peter less smart? Well, I'm sure those fans will love the portrayal of mechanical webshooters here; Parker just swipes the formula for Oscorp, not that anyone seems to know or care that a major corporation's proprietary technology is being used for vigilantism).

The original had a pitch-perfect character arc at work. Peter starts off as a nerd, gets power and uses it for chicks and revenge, but with his uncle's death he realizes he's no better than his tormentors. He just lacked the power to be a victimizer before. The only thing that separates him from bullies, high school or supervillain, is responsibility. It's not just a nerd-revenge fantasy; it's something larger and more human than that, and Raimi smartly added bits to make Peter's behavior justifiable throughout. He wants money to buy a car to impress Mary Jane, he fights back when attacked by Flash, he lets a robber get away after the guy robbed someone that ripped Peter off--all less on-the-nose than the Lee/Dikto Peter deciding he was just going to be an asshole from now on.

The Marc Webb film--doesn't get it right. It wants to kinda co-opt the outcast thing, while always keeping Peter fuckable. Basically, it makes him Finn Hudson from Glee. He's a loser, but he's the coolest loser. In its telling, Peter is already acting heroically as a nerd (standing up for people who get picked on), then he gets powers and is worried he'll die for a while, then he stays out late working with Curt Connors, then he gets into a fight with his aunt and uncle, lets a robber steal from someone he doesn't like, exit Uncle Ben. The simple power of the original arc is buried underneath this insistence on tying everything to Peter's destiny and his long-lost parents. You never get the feeling that Peter has grown or changed; just that he's reacting to various giant-lizard-related shenanigans.

What's weird if that the Marc Webb film is basically a beat-for-beat remake of Raimi's Spider-Man at times, it's just that like an ugly kitbash, it glues on a bunch of superfluous 'stuff'. Just like in the original, Peter gets powers and uses them to accidentally beat up some bullies, but this time it's some random jerks on a subway. Then he humbles Flash non-violently on the basketball court (here, Flash has previously sent Peter home battered and bruised, which Uncle Ben knows), only for the same "beat" of Ben reading Peter the riot act to ensue, leading into the "with great power comes great responsibility" speech (only not in those words and attributed to Richard Parker, just to muddle things).

The worst part is that people are latching onto this movie. Most superhero origin movies, they're kind of awkward. They're adapting comics, after all, which generally consist on an origin issue, then go on for several more issues to introduce the Big Bad and their greatest conflict, so on. So the "hero's origin and his first big adventure" plot arc always flows a little weirdly. People loved the first half of Captain America, where it's just Steve Rogers becoming Cap, but they're not so crazy about him actually being Cap. And people really liked the Batman Begins part where it's beginning, but not so much the microwave bomb plot. Green Lantern and Fantastic Four tried to solve this by basically having the origin be the entire movie, with an ACTION-PACKED THIRD ACT! to balance things out, but it never really works.

What's weird about ASM is that people are going "well, the origin stuff is just a lame retread of the Raimi movie, but then you get to the other half and... it's just lame Lizard stuff. But now the stage is set for a great sequel!" And, you know, I thought the cliche was that origin movies were easy since the superhero has a character arc built-in, but that sequels were hard. Now we're going straight into "okay, it's cool if the first movie is shit, because it's just building to the second one." There's nothing in the first movie to build on. If you just skipped the origin altogether and started off with Peter visiting his uncle's grave; "boy, Uncle Ben, these superpowers are crazy! There's this cute girl named Gwen Stacy I like. I wonder what happened to my long-lost parents?"

Would anyone have minded? I'm serious now; there's nothing that happens in Amazing Spider-Man that can't go backwards. When the second movie comes around, they can just say "oh, he's dating Gwen, that's nice!" or "oh, they're apart, that's sad" and either one will make just as much sense. It's like Basic Instinct. The whole movie is set up to go either way on whether Sharon Stone is innocent, so there's not any point in watching anything but the last thirty seconds. This extends to the long-lost parents. There is nothing revealed about them other than "Oscorp did something shady". The second movie can do anything from "oh, Peter's father is Darth Vader" to "they were both raped by the Kevin Smith Mysterio."

Now, the Raimi films, they had forward momentum. End of the first movie, Harry has a grudge against Spider-Man. Second movie: Harry's grudging on Spider-Man and he enlists Doc Ock to go after him. He finds out who Spider-Man is. Third movie: He goes after Spider-Man/Peter Parker. That's not even mentioning how the Peter/MJ relationship grew.

This is the simplest comic book plotting in the world, but it worked and it engaged the audience. Amazing Spider-Man can't even get that right.

I'm taking a cue from Cracked in trying to write freakishly enticing article titles. But I'm serious, if these ideas were followed, they would have actually saved money and resulted in a better movie.

One of the big problems surrounding Spider-Man 3 was that for a story revolving around revenge and forgiveness, it had four whole characters all expressing almost the same point: Peter wants revenge for Uncle Ben, Harry wants revenge for his father, Sandman ends up wanting revenge for... I guess his daughter died because Peter stopped him from robbing banks which would've let him pay for a cure to be developed for a disease in a matter of days? Or something? Even Eddie wanted revenge on Peter. With the final lesson being that villains can be nice people too. You'd think Peter would've learned that after the last two villains he fought turned out to be sympathetic. And Eddie was unrepentantly evil, so I guess he should've unlearned that lesson instead of... relearning it?

Also, the way the film chose to get Peter to a place where he wanted revenge was to invoke Uncle Ben's murder, which came off as contrived. So, some other options.

1. Flint Marko was responsible for the deaths of Peter's biological parents. It's true the audience isn't as invested in them as Uncle Ben, but a quick flashback could at least make you sympathize with Peter's feelings of loss and anger (if that's too much to ask, have an emotional scene of him visiting their graves). And if it's too contrived that Peter would lose three members of his family to violent crime (it is), say Marko was a drunk driver, arsonist, or some such.

2. Have Harry attack MJ to get to Peter. Instead of an annoying subplot about Peter and Mary-Jane having drama, then MJ getting kidnapped at the end like always, Harry goes for MJ right off the bat. Don't fridge her; that would make Harry too unsympathetic. But if she were traumatized or severely injured, even unintentionally (Harry goes to confront MJ, accidentally freaks out when he's with her), then we have a vengeful Peter and no reset button hit on their relationship. Plus, we can have the subtext that with MJ out of commission, Peter is a worse man, thematically selling the audience on the importance of their relationship. When MJ wakes up, she forgives Harry and encourages Peter to work it out peacefully.

3. Harry creates Sandman. Just to get away from the "nice guy gets zapped by wacky science experiment" origin, have Harry create his own pet supervillain (possibly choosing Flint because of his connection to Peter, see point one. That makes more sense than someone Peter hates randomly getting superpowers, right?). Harry orders Sandman to kill Spider-Man, Sandman turns out to be a Spidey fan and balks, trying to simply rob banks to get money for his daughter's treatment (originally, Harry offered to use Oscorp resources to find a cure). So ironically, Sandman is more noble than the vengeful Spider-Man, as he just needs the money for his daughter. Which is the point Raimi was going for. Also, it seems like a logical progression for rich bitch Harry to try sending someone else to do his dirty work before trying a weird chemical on himself to get superpowers.

4. Have Mary-Jane tell Harry how Norman Osborn died. Harry won't listen to Peter, but MJ is a third party. She can convince him in a big "Acting!" moment for everyone involved. She could even have been trying to tell him this earlier when he freaked out and hurt her, making him more inclined to listen to her now, also strengthening the theme. MJ's forgiveness of Harry leads to Harry's forgiveness of Peter, which saves the day. This also gives Mary-Jane a nicely feminist "hero moment" without some dumb Michael Bay moment of her grabbing a shotgun and going to town.

5. Kill Sandman's daughter. After she passes away, possibly at the hands of a desperate Harry, Sandman finally gives into vengeance, turns into a kaiju monster, and goes after Spider-Man. Only with Harry's help can Peter defeat him. Harry dies saving Peter, redeeming himself, and Sandman gives up after an impassioned plea from Peter, leading to the 'dust in the wind' ending. We see the lesson that Peter learned, that vengeance doesn't solve anything, and see how he applies it in not seeking revenge for Harry's death. Theme!

6. Simplify the symbiote. Have Professor Connors be studying the symbiote, for whatever reason, when Peter happens by the lab. The symbiote notices Peter's a superhuman and escapes to bond with him. Much less random than a meteor landing. The symbiote in this scenario can be a science experiment Connors is giving an opinion on or an alien lifeform he's been sent (say, a sample from a NASA probe that no one knows is alive until Peter walks in). Peter gets rid of the symbiote--and that's it. The general audience think the church bell killed it, while comic book fans know that as soon as Eddie walks into a confessional, it's back on. Just have a shot of it flowing into a crack in the stone, seemingly dead. Then the next movie can spend the first act on Eddie's grievances with Peter before he goes to the church and gets slimed. We can also quickly turn it into a buddy movie, with Peter applying the lesson of forgiveness he learned in this movie to team up with Venom and go after Carnage.

7. Have Kaiju!Sandman attack the Daily Bugle. This is just a thought, but instead of having MJ in danger for the umpteenth time, have the Sandman rampaging through the city, attacking the Daily Bugle. The audience cares about the characters there just as much as MJ, and it would be really fun to have J. Jonah Jameson as a damsel in distress.

8. Have Harry responsible for Peter's fall from grace. Okay, so it is an organic progression that after two movies, New York has learned to trust Spider-Man and made him a hero, and Peter can get a big head from this (although what this has to do with the theme of him being vengeful I don't know. Maybe the symbiote feeds on general bad behavior, like leaving the caps off toothpaste?). This should still tie into the plot. Have Harry run a smear campaign which takes away Peter's beloved fame, making him more angry and vengeful. Harry should be coming at Peter from all sides!

9. Eliminate Gwen Stacy's character. What's the point of introducing this character two movies after the Green Goblin? So she can be killed off in a different circumstance, only now she isn't even the woman Peter loves, but just a good friend? If you're going to do a temptation subplot, use Black Cat. That's actually an easier sell--Gwen wouldn't go after Peter when he's with MJ, but Black Cat wouldn't know that Spider-Man's in a relationship. Hence, Black Cat hitting on him is more sympathetic than Gwen hitting on him. Not that Felicia should show up in this movie; we're still playing with Peter's fear of losing MJ.

So it goes A. Peter wants MJ, but can't have her. B. Peter wants MJ, gets her. C. Peter has MJ and their relationship is still in the "first blush" cutie stage, then he almost loses her. D. (Spider-Man 4, if it ever gets made) Peter and MJ have been together long enough for problems to develop in their relationship.

That's much better than Peter and MJ getting together, then immediately being at loggerheads, wouldn't you say?

10. No amnesia storyline. This is a really blunt way to get Harry out of commission while the movie does other things (see: Sandman spending half an hour in a drainage pipe). If you're not going to deal with Green Goblin just yet, have him play possum to lure Peter into a false sense of security. Or just have him struggling with the decision to go after Peter until the plot's ready. More thematic material--Harry tries to forgive Peter, but can't, which is the beginning of the end for him.

Sometimes, I get this weird feeling that people from Scans_Daily are hanging out here. Not, like, trolling me or anything paranoid like that, but that there are people who are interested in my take on the news and they come here. Narcissistic of me, I know, but I recognize a few names. But guys, if you're all that interested in my commentary, I do have sockpuppets.


lol j/k... OR AM I?

Anyway, you're going to love this post. I was thinking about the Spider-Man reboot yesterday... this was possibly more than the people doing the reboot have done... and I was thinking of the how so far, the changes they've made to justify a reboot have lacked rhyme or reason.

( It's an upcoming comic book movie. As a comic fan, I'm sure to be unfailingly optimistic. )

So, what are some things they could've done to set apart Spider-Man from... Spider-Man? Thinking caps on.

( Can I bring this around to attractive women kissing? Let's find out! )

Yes, the last "oh god, what have you done to Spider-Man's history!" story. Let's start at the beginning. One of writer J. Michael Straczynski's friends was involved in an affair. Naturally, details are a bit fuzzy, but suffice to say the complicated feelings this stirred up gave JMS the idea of dirtying Gwen's character a little. Now, while it's a good idea in theory to take the saint-like Gwen's memory and then reveal she was a real, flawed person, I find the idea that she cheated on Peter to be uncreative, and fail-y in how the concept of a flawed Gwen jumps immediately to sex. I just feel there are other, less juvenile ways to tell that kind of story. Ways that don't make you want to take a shower.


Maybe America is finally ready to learn of Gwen's $1500 a day Fabergé egg habit.

Moreover, I would ask why you would want to develop the character of a dead woman, especially when Spider-Man's supporting cast was so conspicuously absent from the JMS run. Weren't we overdue for a nice Robbie Robertson yarn?

( OSBORN! )

Look, Marvel, if you write Peter Parker as a creeper, I'm going to write fics where he's a caring human being. Cause and effect, baby.

Title: Don’t look at my face (unless you want to see my eyes)
Fandom: Spider-Man
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1,033
Characters/Pairings: Peter/Felicia
Author’s notes: Written for prozacpark’s birthday, since I herd u liek Peter/Felicia. (Helen, if your feedback doesn’t begin “fuck yeah Peter/Felicia!”, I’ll be extremely disappointed.) This takes place back when Peter and Felicia were first dating, in Spectacular Spider-Man volume one.
Summary: There’s the morning after, and then there’s the morning after-and-oh-yeah-she-ripped-off-my-secret-identity-protecting-mask-during-our-incredibly-hot-spontaneous-sex.

( Peter didn’t wake up in his own bed on October 3rd. He knew this because, firstly, it was actually soft, and second, because there were arms twined over his chest. They were also soft. )

Title: Spidey’s got a girlfriend!
Fandom: Marvel Adventures Avengers
Rating: PG
Word Count: 3,168
Characters/Pairings: Peter/MJ, the Avengers, Dr. Doom
Summary: The Avengers were born to handle emergencies no single superhero could withstand, like alien invasions, doomsday plots, and Spider-Man getting lucky (!).

( “Ah, for christ’s sake!” Logan jerked out of his nap. “Isn’t it obvious the boy’s been getting some trim? He reeks of redhead!” )

Title: Back On Track
Fandom: Spider-Man
Rating: PG
Word Count: 575
Characters/Pairings: Peter/MJ, mention of Peter/Felicia
Author’s notes: Based on the end of Amazing Spider-Man 600, since Marvel won’t go there anyway. If only there were some way for you to view the relevant pages for free.
Summary: It’s amazing how easy someone can fit back into your life.

( He takes her slender hand in his, places the other on her thigh. Her eyebrows arch at his familiarity, but that's only ever meant approval. The band starts playing again (did they ever actually stop?) and everything else is just following the dance steps. )

Title: The Cost of Wearing Masks
Fandom: Spider-Man movieverse
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3,600
Author’s Note: Betaed by htbthomas. Takes place after the events of Spider-Man 2, assuming Spider-Man 3 never happened.
Next Part: Chapter 2
Characters/Pairings: Peter/MJ, Harry Osborn, Otto Octavius
Summary: As Harry Osborn descends into madness and Otto Octavius returns from the grave, Peter has just one thing on his mind: Mary-Jane called off her wedding to be with him. Holy shit.

( Then again, maybe he had been lucky to get an excuse to clear his head before facing Mary-Jane. She’d literally stopped her wedding for him. Awful lot of pressure to put on a guy. )