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seriousficPeter: What's this? My dad's old suitcase?
Uncle Ben: Oh yeah. Your father gave that to me before he died. The last thing he said to me before he died was that I keep it safe. It was his dying wish. (beat) I forgot all about it!
Peter: Hmmm… a newspaper clipping hidden inside! It's about my father and someone named Curt Connors! This is brand-new information!
Audience: Uh, if it's from a NEWSPAPER, then it's a matter of public record.
Peter: Maybe if I search for this on Bing, I might find some answers!
Audience: Seriously? That's what leads to this major revelation of your dead father's life? An internet search?
Peter: Well! My father used to work for Oscorp!
Audience: ALL THAT TOOK WAS A SEARCH ON THE INTERNET?
Peter: Well, to be fair, I was using Google before, like a normal person. Bing, that makes all the difference.
Peter: Hey, my dad's old glasses. Luckily, he had exactly the same prescription as me. I'd better wear these for the rest of the movie to feel closer to him or some shit.
Audience: Holy goddamn, did this movie seriously just show us the origin story of Peter Parker's glasses?
Peter: I won't rest until I find out the truth about my missing parents!
Audience: Your parents died in a plane crash. It was in the newspapers.
Peter: (later) Screw you, Uncle Ben! If my father was so responsible, how come he abandoned me!
Audience: He died. In a plane crash. Newspaper.
Peter: (later) FATHEEEEEEEER! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME!?
Audience: He… does understand how a newspaper works, right?
***
Peter: As I was saying, I will not rest until I find out the truth about my parents! (beat) Uncle Ben's dead! I won't rest until I find his killer! (beat) The Lizard's rampaging through the city! I won't rest until I stop him! (beat) Better make-out some with Gwen.
Audience: With great power comes great ADHD, apparently.
***
Curt Connors: Ah, hello Peter. Time for you to learn the truth. You see, your father and I were working on a way to create cross-species hybrids. Or to create super-strong spider silk. Or both, it's a little unclear. But I need to finish the project now to cure Norman Osborn!
Peter: Wait…
Curt Connors: Waiting.
Peter: So has Norman Osborn been dying for the past ten years? Why did he kill Richard Parker if he was on the verge of finding a cure? What's he dying from? With unlimited resources, has it really taken you over ten years to find out what Richard Parker had already worked out? What the heck is going on here?
Curt Connors: But GET THIS! Your parents were killed by Norman Osborn! Maybe. Possibly. Allegedly.
Peter: That's it? A supervillain killed my parents? That's the big revelation?
Curt Connors: Maybe. We won't even confirm it in the post-credits scene, which would seem to have no other purpose than for Norman Osborn to claim responsibility for killing your parents. He just kinda says "ooh, that Peter Parker, one of these days, POW, TO THE MOON!"
Peter: How much did they pay the screenwriter for this?
Curt Connors: If it was more than hepatitis, than too much.
***
Uncle Ben: Well, time for me to die. Is there any way to make my death less involving and sad than in the original movie?
Audience: Maybe if you did something completely idiotic like make a grab for an armed robber's gun for no reason as he passes you on the street.
Uncle Ben: Well, I'm a wise old man with a wife and adopted son to support, who earlier berates said son for something as un-aggressive as getting back at a bully by beating him at a game of basketball, so that sounds like it makes complete sense for me. GAK!
Peter: Uncle Ben, no! I won't rest until I find your killer!
Audience: Well, this took about ten minutes in the Raimi movie, but since we've seen it before, I bet it won't take as long here.
Peter: *spends an hour looking for Uncle Ben's killer*
Audience: Well, I bet there'll be a really good pay-off to this then.
Peter: Well, I guess I'd better stop the Lizard now.
Audience: That's it? He just gives up?
Peter: Sure do!
Audience: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY SAVING THIS UNCLE BEN'S KILLER BUSINESS FOR THE SEQUEL?
Peter: Yup! Just like getting a job at the Daily Bugle, meeting Mary-Jane Watson, meeting Harry Osborn, meeting Norman Osborn, and learning the actual complete final truth about my parents.
Audience: So wait… what actually happens in THIS movie?
Peter: …let me get back to you on that.
***
Peter: Well, I'm Spider-Man now!
Audience: You're sure? You don't want to run around in a Spider-Man mask and your street clothes for a few more scenes, for absolutely no reason other than selling a "Proto-Spider-Man" action figure?
Peter: Nah. Spider-Man now. And since a bad guy specifically told me how bad it would be for my face to be seen, I'll keep my mask on at all times.
Studio executives: Are you kidding? Andrew Garfield is a star! Audiences would riot in the aisles if they went five minutes without seeing Andrew Garfield's face!
Peter: Well then, I guess I could literally not spend one scene as Spider-Man without taking my mask off, sometimes for absolutely no reason!
Audience: He knows how a secret identity works, right?
Peter: Of course! It's delivered every day to your home and you read it to learn about current events, sports, and entertainment!
***
Curt Connors: Peter, this is the Super Plot Device. Your father and I figured "why give medicine to only the people who need it when we can turn it into a cloud and expose the entire city to it?" After all, since when has getting the wrong medication ever been the slightest bit harmful? However, after we built it, we realized it could be used to poison the entire city.
Peter: So you shut it down, right?
Curt Connors: Heavens to betsy, no! That would be wasteful. We left it in complete working order for years on end, which means we actually put an effort into not letting it stop working. But don't worry, as the headquarters of an omnipotent evil corporation, this building is heavily guarded.
Peter: Really? Cuz I'm a random high school student and I literally got in just by saying "Hey, I'm allowed in here."
Curt Connors: I take your point. Better turn it off before some supervillain uses it to make the entire city just like him.
Peter: You mean like Magneto in the first X-Men movie?
Curt Connors: Precisely!
***
Peter: You might be the man who killed my uncle! I'm going to seriously consider letting you suffocate to death in my webbing, while mocking you. (five seconds later) WOOOHOO! WEB-SWINGING SURE IS FUN!
Audience: I'm glad we're lingering on this dead uncle thing. Makes for no tonal inconsistencies at all.
***
Random Indian Henchman: Curt Connors, you've had ten years to get this whatever thing working! It's time to deliver!
Curt Connors: Wait, is the fact that a random minion is Indian supposed to make up for the fact that the entire cast is white? And that in a reboot that's desperately trying to distance itself from the original, we didn't even consider casting anyone who wasn't white as Spider-Man?
Random Indian Henchman: Absolutely.
Curt Connors: (sigh) Is there any reason you're not Norman Osborn, just so we can establish that character for the sequel like a mildly effective prequel?
Random Indian Henchman: None. But all the comic book fans who know of the Headsman will get a kick out of the fan service of me being named the same. I even have a line about "heads will roll."
Curt Connors: Holy shit, that's the worst bit of fan service I've ever heard. You'd be better off having Gwen Stacy talk about having a thing for older men with fucked-up hair. At least that comic book people have heard of.
Random Indian Henchman: Well, I've been in two scenes, better disappear from the movie now.
***
Captain Stacy: This Spider-Man is a public menace!
Audience: Ah, this is the part will Peter will ingratiate himself to Gwen's father and back up his secret identity by badmouthing Spider-Man like in the comics, while Gwen will show some spunk by defending him.
Peter: Actually, Spider-Man is the best! And I'll go to suspicious lengths defending him!
***
Audience: Shouldn't a supervillain have shown up by now?
Peter: Well, I suppose I should fight the madman who killed my parents. Green Goblin, I'm calling you out!
Marc Webb: Wait, no, hold up, hold up! That would be thematically appropriate and offer closure, but in Batman Begins, they held off on the hero's arch-nemesis until the second movie. And since literally the only thing we do different from the Raimi movie is stuff Nolan did, that's what we're going to do.
Lizard: Bwah! My plan is completely superfluous to the larger plot! I am literally just taking up time until the real villain shows up!
Peter: Well, the way you look has been kept a secret throughout the ad campaign, so I bet there's going to be a really big reveal of how you look!
Lizard: Nah, the movie just randomly cuts to me in the middle of an action scene.
Peter: Oh. Well, I bet you look really cool!
Lizard: I look like a goomba so I can "emote," even though I have barely any dialogue and I periodically turn back into Rhys Ifans, so you'd think I could just get my acting in then.
Peter: Oh. Well, I bet this is a really long and exciting action sequence, like Tobey Maguire's first fight with the Green Goblin.
Lizard: You catch a car with webbing and that's it.
Peter: Oh. Well, I bet our next fight is a really long and exciting action sequence, like Tobey Maguire's first fight with Doctor Octopus!
Lizard: We fall into sewer water and splash around a bit.
Peter: Oh. Well, I bet the fact that my gaping chest wound is exposed to raw sewage causes some problems.
Lizard: Gwen Stacy dabs at your chest with a wet cloth.
Peter: Ah, the greatest curative known to action movies, having your chest dabbed with a wet cloth.
Lizard: It could cure cancer!
***
Peter: Captain Stacy, I know we only met for five minutes and you virulently dislike me, but you have to believe me, Curt Connors is the Lizard!
Captain Stacy: Ha! Like I'd believe you! But I would believe my beloved daughter, who knows Connors well and is a science genius. Why don't you just get her to pass on the tip to me?
Peter: What am I, a genius? You'd better just randomly believe in my crazed ramblings instead.
***
Curt Connors: Hmm, Peter Parker is the only other person who has a formula for turning into a cross-species hybrid and he just started asking suspicious questions about giant lizards. I even specifically threatened him. I wonder if he's Spider-Man.
Green Goblin: (V.O.) Better wait a bit to be sure. Maybe until you find a camera he uses as Spider-Man with "Property of Peter Parker" literally written right on it.
Curt Connors: Wait, why am I hearing voices now? I thought I was using the old "documenting my science work" method to deliver obvious exposition to the audience.
Green Goblin: (V.O.) THE HEART, CONNORS! FIRST WE ATTACK HIS HEART!
***
Peter: Oh no! The Lizard is attacking me at school! Well, at least there's an excuse for me to not have my mask on.
Lizard: I'm going to give you a minute to change into costume.
Peter: Okay, done. (beat) I don't really need the mask, right? My face isn't that memorable…
Lizard: FOR. FUCK'S. SAKE. Keep the mask on! You're embarrassing me!
***
Peter: Gwen, get out of Oscorp Tower! I just found the Lizard's vlog and he's planning to use the Super Plot Device to turn everyone into lizards! Also, he saw One Direction in concert and Harry Styles smiled at him!
Gwen: So, why did he go after you first? Why not just go to Oscorp and turn everyone into lizards immediately? Then either you'd be a lizard too or he'd have an army of lizards to attack you with.
Peter: IF WE WERE MAKING SENSE, THIS WOULDN'T BE AN ORIGIN STORY!
***
Lizard: Eat biotoxin, cops! Ha ha! Get ready to deal with a gang of mutated policemen, Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: That sounds like it would be new and interesting. Better go around them.
Cops: Eat electricity bullets, Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: Wait, so is this supposed to be a gritty, realistic Spider-Man where someone needs to be genetically engineered before they can turn into a superhero, or is it a comic booky Spider-Man where cops have electricity bullets and corporations have giant holograms for everything? GAK!
Captain Stacy: Let's see who's behind the mask. Gasp! Parker!
Peter: Well, you said my name and there are several people around getting a good look at my brightly-lit face… I might need a new newspaper after this.
***
Peter: Oh no! For some reason, I lost my ability to swing off buildings and I need someone to move the cranes on top of the buildings into position to get around.
Construction worker: Let's do it!
Construction workers: THIS IS NEW YORK! YOU MESS WITH ONE OF US, YOU MESS WITH ALL OF US!
Audience: Seriously? You're doing a "public rallies around Spider-Man" moment? The moment so hackneyed that the second movie deliberately subverted it?
***
Curt Connors: I'm cured!
Captain Stacy: I'm dead! Peter, don't tell Harry. I mean, stay away from Gwen.
***
Peter: And so, I must be parted from Gwen, with her never knowing the true reason we can't be together. How dramatic!
Gwen: Hey, did my father make you promise to stay away from me to protect me from danger?
Peter: Whoa! Amazing guess! But I still won't cuddle with you!
Marc Webb: What an ending, huh guys? And so completely different from that other Spider-Man movie, by way of being exactly the same. Oh well, our target audience is so young and stupid that they'll think we're ripping off Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince.
Studio executives: Wait, wait, wait a minute! You can't end a summer movie with two young white people not fucking! Quickly! Compromise your ending! Rip something off!
Marc Webb: But it's already a rip-off of Sam Raimi's movie, which was a compromise of the comic storyline where Gwen Stacy died.
Studio executives: MOOOOOORE! Don't challenge the audience in any way whatsoever!
Marc Webb: I suppose Peter's last line could be something to the effect of how he intends to completely blow off George Stacy's dying wish and Gwen smiling because he's going to bone her.
Studio executives: Perfect! And put in a scene after the credits! Tease the audience with the big celebrity that's going to be the new Norman Osborn!
Marc Webb: All we could get was Hoyt from Rizzoli & Isles.
Studio executives: We just won't call him Norman Osborn! That way, we can replace him with a bigger name next movie and no one will be the wiser!
Audience: So this scene reveals and teases absolutely nothing, since all it does is reveal that Oscorp is an evil corporation, which everyone already knew.
Studio executives: But in 3D!
***
Peter: You know, I can't help but think I forgot something.
Uncle Ben's killer: NO COMEUPPANCE!
Uncle Ben: Oh yeah. Your father gave that to me before he died. The last thing he said to me before he died was that I keep it safe. It was his dying wish. (beat) I forgot all about it!
Peter: Hmmm… a newspaper clipping hidden inside! It's about my father and someone named Curt Connors! This is brand-new information!
Audience: Uh, if it's from a NEWSPAPER, then it's a matter of public record.
Peter: Maybe if I search for this on Bing, I might find some answers!
Audience: Seriously? That's what leads to this major revelation of your dead father's life? An internet search?
Peter: Well! My father used to work for Oscorp!
Audience: ALL THAT TOOK WAS A SEARCH ON THE INTERNET?
Peter: Well, to be fair, I was using Google before, like a normal person. Bing, that makes all the difference.
Peter: Hey, my dad's old glasses. Luckily, he had exactly the same prescription as me. I'd better wear these for the rest of the movie to feel closer to him or some shit.
Audience: Holy goddamn, did this movie seriously just show us the origin story of Peter Parker's glasses?
Peter: I won't rest until I find out the truth about my missing parents!
Audience: Your parents died in a plane crash. It was in the newspapers.
Peter: (later) Screw you, Uncle Ben! If my father was so responsible, how come he abandoned me!
Audience: He died. In a plane crash. Newspaper.
Peter: (later) FATHEEEEEEEER! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME!?
Audience: He… does understand how a newspaper works, right?
***
Peter: As I was saying, I will not rest until I find out the truth about my parents! (beat) Uncle Ben's dead! I won't rest until I find his killer! (beat) The Lizard's rampaging through the city! I won't rest until I stop him! (beat) Better make-out some with Gwen.
Audience: With great power comes great ADHD, apparently.
***
Curt Connors: Ah, hello Peter. Time for you to learn the truth. You see, your father and I were working on a way to create cross-species hybrids. Or to create super-strong spider silk. Or both, it's a little unclear. But I need to finish the project now to cure Norman Osborn!
Peter: Wait…
Curt Connors: Waiting.
Peter: So has Norman Osborn been dying for the past ten years? Why did he kill Richard Parker if he was on the verge of finding a cure? What's he dying from? With unlimited resources, has it really taken you over ten years to find out what Richard Parker had already worked out? What the heck is going on here?
Curt Connors: But GET THIS! Your parents were killed by Norman Osborn! Maybe. Possibly. Allegedly.
Peter: That's it? A supervillain killed my parents? That's the big revelation?
Curt Connors: Maybe. We won't even confirm it in the post-credits scene, which would seem to have no other purpose than for Norman Osborn to claim responsibility for killing your parents. He just kinda says "ooh, that Peter Parker, one of these days, POW, TO THE MOON!"
Peter: How much did they pay the screenwriter for this?
Curt Connors: If it was more than hepatitis, than too much.
***
Uncle Ben: Well, time for me to die. Is there any way to make my death less involving and sad than in the original movie?
Audience: Maybe if you did something completely idiotic like make a grab for an armed robber's gun for no reason as he passes you on the street.
Uncle Ben: Well, I'm a wise old man with a wife and adopted son to support, who earlier berates said son for something as un-aggressive as getting back at a bully by beating him at a game of basketball, so that sounds like it makes complete sense for me. GAK!
Peter: Uncle Ben, no! I won't rest until I find your killer!
Audience: Well, this took about ten minutes in the Raimi movie, but since we've seen it before, I bet it won't take as long here.
Peter: *spends an hour looking for Uncle Ben's killer*
Audience: Well, I bet there'll be a really good pay-off to this then.
Peter: Well, I guess I'd better stop the Lizard now.
Audience: That's it? He just gives up?
Peter: Sure do!
Audience: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY SAVING THIS UNCLE BEN'S KILLER BUSINESS FOR THE SEQUEL?
Peter: Yup! Just like getting a job at the Daily Bugle, meeting Mary-Jane Watson, meeting Harry Osborn, meeting Norman Osborn, and learning the actual complete final truth about my parents.
Audience: So wait… what actually happens in THIS movie?
Peter: …let me get back to you on that.
***
Peter: Well, I'm Spider-Man now!
Audience: You're sure? You don't want to run around in a Spider-Man mask and your street clothes for a few more scenes, for absolutely no reason other than selling a "Proto-Spider-Man" action figure?
Peter: Nah. Spider-Man now. And since a bad guy specifically told me how bad it would be for my face to be seen, I'll keep my mask on at all times.
Studio executives: Are you kidding? Andrew Garfield is a star! Audiences would riot in the aisles if they went five minutes without seeing Andrew Garfield's face!
Peter: Well then, I guess I could literally not spend one scene as Spider-Man without taking my mask off, sometimes for absolutely no reason!
Audience: He knows how a secret identity works, right?
Peter: Of course! It's delivered every day to your home and you read it to learn about current events, sports, and entertainment!
***
Curt Connors: Peter, this is the Super Plot Device. Your father and I figured "why give medicine to only the people who need it when we can turn it into a cloud and expose the entire city to it?" After all, since when has getting the wrong medication ever been the slightest bit harmful? However, after we built it, we realized it could be used to poison the entire city.
Peter: So you shut it down, right?
Curt Connors: Heavens to betsy, no! That would be wasteful. We left it in complete working order for years on end, which means we actually put an effort into not letting it stop working. But don't worry, as the headquarters of an omnipotent evil corporation, this building is heavily guarded.
Peter: Really? Cuz I'm a random high school student and I literally got in just by saying "Hey, I'm allowed in here."
Curt Connors: I take your point. Better turn it off before some supervillain uses it to make the entire city just like him.
Peter: You mean like Magneto in the first X-Men movie?
Curt Connors: Precisely!
***
Peter: You might be the man who killed my uncle! I'm going to seriously consider letting you suffocate to death in my webbing, while mocking you. (five seconds later) WOOOHOO! WEB-SWINGING SURE IS FUN!
Audience: I'm glad we're lingering on this dead uncle thing. Makes for no tonal inconsistencies at all.
***
Random Indian Henchman: Curt Connors, you've had ten years to get this whatever thing working! It's time to deliver!
Curt Connors: Wait, is the fact that a random minion is Indian supposed to make up for the fact that the entire cast is white? And that in a reboot that's desperately trying to distance itself from the original, we didn't even consider casting anyone who wasn't white as Spider-Man?
Random Indian Henchman: Absolutely.
Curt Connors: (sigh) Is there any reason you're not Norman Osborn, just so we can establish that character for the sequel like a mildly effective prequel?
Random Indian Henchman: None. But all the comic book fans who know of the Headsman will get a kick out of the fan service of me being named the same. I even have a line about "heads will roll."
Curt Connors: Holy shit, that's the worst bit of fan service I've ever heard. You'd be better off having Gwen Stacy talk about having a thing for older men with fucked-up hair. At least that comic book people have heard of.
Random Indian Henchman: Well, I've been in two scenes, better disappear from the movie now.
***
Captain Stacy: This Spider-Man is a public menace!
Audience: Ah, this is the part will Peter will ingratiate himself to Gwen's father and back up his secret identity by badmouthing Spider-Man like in the comics, while Gwen will show some spunk by defending him.
Peter: Actually, Spider-Man is the best! And I'll go to suspicious lengths defending him!
***
Audience: Shouldn't a supervillain have shown up by now?
Peter: Well, I suppose I should fight the madman who killed my parents. Green Goblin, I'm calling you out!
Marc Webb: Wait, no, hold up, hold up! That would be thematically appropriate and offer closure, but in Batman Begins, they held off on the hero's arch-nemesis until the second movie. And since literally the only thing we do different from the Raimi movie is stuff Nolan did, that's what we're going to do.
Lizard: Bwah! My plan is completely superfluous to the larger plot! I am literally just taking up time until the real villain shows up!
Peter: Well, the way you look has been kept a secret throughout the ad campaign, so I bet there's going to be a really big reveal of how you look!
Lizard: Nah, the movie just randomly cuts to me in the middle of an action scene.
Peter: Oh. Well, I bet you look really cool!
Lizard: I look like a goomba so I can "emote," even though I have barely any dialogue and I periodically turn back into Rhys Ifans, so you'd think I could just get my acting in then.
Peter: Oh. Well, I bet this is a really long and exciting action sequence, like Tobey Maguire's first fight with the Green Goblin.
Lizard: You catch a car with webbing and that's it.
Peter: Oh. Well, I bet our next fight is a really long and exciting action sequence, like Tobey Maguire's first fight with Doctor Octopus!
Lizard: We fall into sewer water and splash around a bit.
Peter: Oh. Well, I bet the fact that my gaping chest wound is exposed to raw sewage causes some problems.
Lizard: Gwen Stacy dabs at your chest with a wet cloth.
Peter: Ah, the greatest curative known to action movies, having your chest dabbed with a wet cloth.
Lizard: It could cure cancer!
***
Peter: Captain Stacy, I know we only met for five minutes and you virulently dislike me, but you have to believe me, Curt Connors is the Lizard!
Captain Stacy: Ha! Like I'd believe you! But I would believe my beloved daughter, who knows Connors well and is a science genius. Why don't you just get her to pass on the tip to me?
Peter: What am I, a genius? You'd better just randomly believe in my crazed ramblings instead.
***
Curt Connors: Hmm, Peter Parker is the only other person who has a formula for turning into a cross-species hybrid and he just started asking suspicious questions about giant lizards. I even specifically threatened him. I wonder if he's Spider-Man.
Green Goblin: (V.O.) Better wait a bit to be sure. Maybe until you find a camera he uses as Spider-Man with "Property of Peter Parker" literally written right on it.
Curt Connors: Wait, why am I hearing voices now? I thought I was using the old "documenting my science work" method to deliver obvious exposition to the audience.
Green Goblin: (V.O.) THE HEART, CONNORS! FIRST WE ATTACK HIS HEART!
***
Peter: Oh no! The Lizard is attacking me at school! Well, at least there's an excuse for me to not have my mask on.
Lizard: I'm going to give you a minute to change into costume.
Peter: Okay, done. (beat) I don't really need the mask, right? My face isn't that memorable…
Lizard: FOR. FUCK'S. SAKE. Keep the mask on! You're embarrassing me!
***
Peter: Gwen, get out of Oscorp Tower! I just found the Lizard's vlog and he's planning to use the Super Plot Device to turn everyone into lizards! Also, he saw One Direction in concert and Harry Styles smiled at him!
Gwen: So, why did he go after you first? Why not just go to Oscorp and turn everyone into lizards immediately? Then either you'd be a lizard too or he'd have an army of lizards to attack you with.
Peter: IF WE WERE MAKING SENSE, THIS WOULDN'T BE AN ORIGIN STORY!
***
Lizard: Eat biotoxin, cops! Ha ha! Get ready to deal with a gang of mutated policemen, Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: That sounds like it would be new and interesting. Better go around them.
Cops: Eat electricity bullets, Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: Wait, so is this supposed to be a gritty, realistic Spider-Man where someone needs to be genetically engineered before they can turn into a superhero, or is it a comic booky Spider-Man where cops have electricity bullets and corporations have giant holograms for everything? GAK!
Captain Stacy: Let's see who's behind the mask. Gasp! Parker!
Peter: Well, you said my name and there are several people around getting a good look at my brightly-lit face… I might need a new newspaper after this.
***
Peter: Oh no! For some reason, I lost my ability to swing off buildings and I need someone to move the cranes on top of the buildings into position to get around.
Construction worker: Let's do it!
Construction workers: THIS IS NEW YORK! YOU MESS WITH ONE OF US, YOU MESS WITH ALL OF US!
Audience: Seriously? You're doing a "public rallies around Spider-Man" moment? The moment so hackneyed that the second movie deliberately subverted it?
***
Curt Connors: I'm cured!
Captain Stacy: I'm dead! Peter, don't tell Harry. I mean, stay away from Gwen.
***
Peter: And so, I must be parted from Gwen, with her never knowing the true reason we can't be together. How dramatic!
Gwen: Hey, did my father make you promise to stay away from me to protect me from danger?
Peter: Whoa! Amazing guess! But I still won't cuddle with you!
Marc Webb: What an ending, huh guys? And so completely different from that other Spider-Man movie, by way of being exactly the same. Oh well, our target audience is so young and stupid that they'll think we're ripping off Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince.
Studio executives: Wait, wait, wait a minute! You can't end a summer movie with two young white people not fucking! Quickly! Compromise your ending! Rip something off!
Marc Webb: But it's already a rip-off of Sam Raimi's movie, which was a compromise of the comic storyline where Gwen Stacy died.
Studio executives: MOOOOOORE! Don't challenge the audience in any way whatsoever!
Marc Webb: I suppose Peter's last line could be something to the effect of how he intends to completely blow off George Stacy's dying wish and Gwen smiling because he's going to bone her.
Studio executives: Perfect! And put in a scene after the credits! Tease the audience with the big celebrity that's going to be the new Norman Osborn!
Marc Webb: All we could get was Hoyt from Rizzoli & Isles.
Studio executives: We just won't call him Norman Osborn! That way, we can replace him with a bigger name next movie and no one will be the wiser!
Audience: So this scene reveals and teases absolutely nothing, since all it does is reveal that Oscorp is an evil corporation, which everyone already knew.
Studio executives: But in 3D!
***
Peter: You know, I can't help but think I forgot something.
Uncle Ben's killer: NO COMEUPPANCE!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2012-07-03 08:23 pm (UTC)But yeah, word to this. It seems a lot like Marc Webb really, really wanted to get back to his indie romance flick work. I also noticed a lot of stuff that was in the trailers was not in the movie. It still seems like the whole movie was diluted sequel set-up.
So Dog the Bounty Hunter/Uncle Ben's killer gets away, Dr Ratha is never seen again despite being something of an antagonist to the Lizard, Connors' family (his driving motivation in the comics) is never seen, and that mutated mouse (while AWESOME) is presumably running around Oscorp stealing toner.
no subject
Date: 2012-07-04 02:32 am (UTC)