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Sorry to say this is one of the weaker installments in a series built on cheese and poor impulse control. After a brisk, brisk run-through of the epic battle promised and the last one, and the obligatory recap of the last episodes (with Alice conveniently skipping over incidents like her gaining an army of clones, her boyfriend turning into a Frankenstein, and L.J.), we get a quick rip-off of the Dawn of the Dead remake with Alice thinking she's a suburban housewife married to the guy from The Mummy, who died earlier on. There's no real reason for her to be a suburban housewife married to the guy from The Mummy, except perhaps whoever's running these depraved human experiments over at Umbrella is a shipper. In which case, you can tell he's evil for not putting an Alice clone with a Claire clone. C'mon, dude. It's the Apocalypse. Everything should be a dystopian sex party. Giving uber!Alice a husband and a deaf kid? What kind of sick mind does that? A Clana shipper?

Aaaanyway, that goes south and we get Milla Jovovich's trademark--a hospital-y yet openly fetishistic outfit.

She's got a better niche than Tyler Perry, you must admit.

As it turns out, since being captured, Alice has been relocated to an Umbrella facility in the former Soviet Union, where submarine pens have been converted into giant scale models of famous cities, where clones are used to test out the T-virus, thus letting it be sold to the countries of the world--so that explains how it got out and ended the world (remember when that happened? Between movies?). So now Alice and newbie Ada Wong (inexplicably wearing a slinky red dress in both A. combat and B. the cold-as-fuck portion of the world) have to go through facsimiles of New York and Moscow to escape. For some reason, the largest chamber is dedicated to 'Suburbia'. I guess because you really need all that space to simulate two-story homes.

That's actually a more video-gamey plot than the video games, but disappointingly, all the clones and It's A Small World After All doesn't really develop into anything. It's like if Cabin In The Woods had just been pain-worshipping redneck zombies. You'd expect there to be a "level" that Plant 42 has taken over and then it creeps into the "small town" level which is already overrun with Mormon zombies. But no, everyone just sticks to their own spot and even a nice, pro-gun-control Michelle Rodriguez clone doesn't get much play.

Beyond that, the movie just feels smaller. The previous installments weren't Spielberg, but they all expanded the mythos or progressed the plot. In this, they're stuck in a situation which feels completely first-act, Wesker has come back to life with no explanation, and Alice even gets her powers back, even though they had become completely boring and stupid in previous movies. Killing zombies with kung-fu, that's one thing, but killing zombies with psychic powers? Now you're just being silly.

I mean, there's a baseline of competence and low expectations that keeps this from being Battleship--an evil, superpowered Michelle Rodriguez clone swearing vengeance is a much better cliffhanger than anything Andrew Garfield came up with--but this really feels like another trip to the well, with reruns as the villains instead of bigger and badder foes, and people we actually care about like the Redfields replaced with underwear models. (I swear, there's a conversation between the Leon Kennedy dude and Milla Jovovich that sounds like they're in a contest to see who can act less. And English is, like, Milla's fifth language. She signed up for this shit thinking it was a documentary about Enron. What's your excuse, Leon Kennedy dude? Are you from Norway?)

Also, they give Alice an adorable moppet to mommy. People are comparing that to Newt in Aliens, but that fit Ripley's character, since one of the issues she was dealing with was her biological daughter aging and being estranged from her while she was in hypersleep. Then I guess it was brought into the mainstream with Uma Thurman in Kill Bill getting a little girl out of nowhere. Then Selena got a moppet in the last Underworld movie (with a British accent, despite being raised in an American lab, making the one interesting thing about the movie the supposition that accents are a matter of genetics), which makes it a trend.

I'm not exactly sure who it's supposed to ping. "Hey, ladies, wanna be a mommy but don't want to change diapers or get fat? Here, have a little kid who's at a perfectly cute age and automatically loves you without any effort on your part other than saving her from monsters"? Or is it "Hey, fellas, we know these ladies look really tough in their skintight leather outfits and kung-fu fights, but don't worry, give them a youngling and they'll immediately turn into loving maternal caregivers"? Something for me to avoid before Kate Beaton makes a comic about it and it's official Strong Female Character lore.

Ironically enough, this kind of plot would work perfectly for Big Barda (at least, in comparison to genius ideas like having her be raped by Superman and killing her off). Her and Scott aren't a high-profile enough couple that it would be a game-changer, like a Spider-Man or Superman baby would be. And since they're so well-established as suburbanites, a baby would put them back in fish out of water territory. It would strengthen the conflict of them wanting to be a normal couple but constantly being called to adventure, since now there's a reason for them to want a boring life besides personal preference. And you couldn't even complain that having a kid ages them--they're immortal.

I'm calling it--once we get these bitches back in canon, they need to have a Little Barda delivered to them out of the blue.
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Look at this Rico Suave motherfucker, fucking comforting his woman and being a badass feminist at the same time. I'm sorry but your faves could never. Batman would grumble something. Green Lantern would tell her she belonged in the kitchen, but Scott is just like it's cool that you were scared, you were afraid because you love me and you never have to apologize for that because you're a woman first and a warrior second, and i would never change that for anything.
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So tumblr user thecapedraccoon wrote an AU of Scott and Barda as foster kids, and when I saw the pitch, I couldn't help writing a story go with it. Her post is here, but I cover a lot of the details in the story. Enjoy.

Read more... )
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I was reading about the DC reboot the other day and how the new line-up was supposed to be more diverse, so I thought 'what if they weren't laughing when they said that?' And now we have a story about a genderqueer Green Lantern.

As for Scott Free and Big Barda, what story isn't better for having them randomly show up?

Title: Who you are without the ring
Fandom: Green Lantern
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,894
Author’s notes: Betaed by Gran Sigma
Summary: Kirk Kelly is the man's man of the Green Lantern Corps, always first into battle, never resting until the fight is done. His secret identity is Kelly Kirkpatrick. She's a sixteen-year-old girl.

I was back on Earth and there was this whole new universe for me and I thought… why can't I look like who I am inside? Who I want to be. )
seriousfic: (Barda is not the world's best cook)
Prompt: Mister Miracle / Big Barda

Sex within a loving relationship. Not fluffy, no hearts and flowers, maybe a little rough, but there should be an element of mutual trust/liking.

It would also be nice if Barda could be a little dominant, but that's not a strict requirement.

Barda likes it big. )
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No, don't skip this, plebeians who have not yet experienced the awe and majesty of Legend of the Seeker. There will be Barda. And lesbians. Oh, yes, I thought you'd be sticking around.

So I'm sure many who've watched LotS have wondered "Where does Terry Goodkind get his ideas?" As have those who've read the books, although they're more like "Jesus Christ." But the question remains. Ideas. Terry Goodkind's. Where do they come from?

Besides that!

For instance, in LotS, the evil Darken Rahl commands a force of bisexual dominatrix assassin women, one of whom turns good. Coincidentally, in DC comics, the evil Darkseid commands a force of (occasionally) bisexual dominatrix (occasionally--Lashina FTW) assassin women, one of whom turns good.

Could it be that the Female Furies and the Mord'Sith are the same? Let's examine some compelling and sexy photographic evidence.

Not safe for work or non-awesome. )
seriousfic: (Barda is not the world's best cook)
So as some of you may know, according to lore, Jack Kirby was inspired to create the look of Big Barda by a Playboy spread on Lainie Kazan (yes, the grandma from My Big Fat Greek Wedding). Yes, Playboy gave us Big Barda. Top THAT, Jerry Falwell.

So anyway, here is said Playboy spread, photographic trufax evidence of what Barda would look like naked. Forthcoming: Conclusive proof that the Mord'Sith == Darkseid's Female Furies.

NSFW. Awesomely. )
seriousfic: (Barda is not the world's best cook)
Trying for something a little different here. Instead of smut, a domestic-y look at how Scott/Barda/Diana would probably work in canon. Good evening for Diana = wine, sparring, and sex y/y? Written for [ profile] dcx3's Ladies Choice Challenge. It's for threesomes involving at least two women, in case anyone on my f-list happens to be interested in that.

Title: One Moment Between Three People
Fandom: DC comics
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3,206
Characters/Pairings: Scott/Barda/Diana
Summary: Diana just happened to be in Barda and Scott’s neighborhood while she was flying her invisible jet.

She dug up a bottle of wine that a vineyard had given her for saving their fields from Despero. They’d been more excited by the photo op than saddened over the damage. She hadn’t had time to get drunk, and hadn’t had anyone to do it with, but at the back of her mind it seemed ungracious to not enjoy the wine. This seemed an elegant solution to that. )
seriousfic: (Barda is not the world's best cook)
Barda wasn’t the most beautiful girl in the universe. She walked like a tank, hips swinging only as much as they needed to for her to take her next bold stride. Her fingernails were cut short, never lacquered, often with bits of dried blood under them. Her stare wasn’t so much ‘come-hither’ as ‘go far, far away’. Her skin was rough, her smile was cruel, her hair was matte black dull, and when it came to conversation, she was great at giving orders.

Some days, Barda wondered what it would be like to be even in the running. Maybe Scott would appreciate it. But mostly, she was happy being Barda.


Scott was very physical on Earth, even more than Earth was. No one saluted on Earth. They shook hands and high-fived and slapped each other on the shoulder. But Scott even moreso than most. When Barda sat down, winded from battling a Parademon legion, Scott’s fingers were at her neck, massaging out the tension. When her face was burnt from a heat-blast, his hands were there with soothing wet clothes. And when her hair came loose and was in her face, he brushed it away.

Of course, on Apokolips, there was no touching. There was always armor in the way, and even if you did touch skin, it would only be to smear the oil and grime on it. Flesh against flesh was a memory of something that had never happened. But Scott had looked at her like he wanted to touch her. Not the crude leering of the generals, but with a slightly sad appreciation of her, like he was watching a sunset.

It was while looking at a Magog-class destroyer that she finally touched back. It was raining destruction down on an Earth city and any minute now their back-up would arrive and they would attack it as a team, and Barda knew she could take it even without the Justice League, but if she couldn’t

Her hand was around Scott’s hand. It was so small, yet there was such strength in the way he returned her squeeze. His skin was soft, fingers long and slender, palm dry. When she looked at him, he was smiling.

“We could die,” she said brusquely.

“We could live,” he replied. “Either way, I’m holding hands with the most beautiful girl in the universe.”


The best part of not being the most beautiful girl in the universe was that Scott thought she was.
seriousfic: (Barda is not the world's best cook)
Title: Five Times Scott And Barda Fell In Love
Fandom: Fourth World
Rating: PG
Word Count: 4,402
Characters/Pairings: Scott/Barda, Oberon, Superman
Summary: Barda buys Scott a leather jacket, and other times they loved each other.

Barda was taken aback by the question. She tried to walk through the process like it was a debriefing. “I thought about you. I saw it. I wondered if you would like it. I decided you would. I wanted you to have it. So, I paid for it.” )
seriousfic: (Barda is not the world's best cook)
Title: Before You Let It Go...
Fandom: DC comics
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 4,633
Acknowledgments: Thanks to Tracy for betaing this and also to [ profile] lurkslikefox, both for betaing this and telling me it was her favorite thing I've written. D'awww...
Characters/Pairings: Scott/Barda, Granny Goodness
Next Part: 2/6
Summary: Scott Free makes an escape attempt and a bad first impression. By a combination of both, he ends up the slave of a humorless taskmaster by the name of Big Barda.

I don’t feel sorry for you. Why would I feel sorry for an obnoxious, cowardly deserter? I just hate to see Darkseid’s resources being squandered. )
seriousfic: (Barda Must Love Dogs)
Title: One Way To End An Argument
Fandom: Fourth World
Rating: G
Word Count: 1,023
Characters/Pairings: Scott/Barda
Summary: You know when a girlfriend is angry with her boyfriend and she starts throwing his stuff out the window? That works differently with super-strength.

His favorite deck of cards exploded against his chest, surrounding him in a flurry of spades and hearts and diamonds. Scott raised a finger to clarify. “I take it you’re not happy to see me.” )
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I was reading this story and... besides the fact that there was an entire section of text that hit me like a semi, and I imagine the ending tapped into the same anger that handicapped people felt over Million Dollar Baby*, a sort of Replicant-esque outrage if I may be so dark...

It occurred to me that Cassandra Cain was autistic. Comic book autistic, sure, in a disability = superpower sort of way, but relatable nonetheless. And in the end of her own book, she manages to actually solve her internal conflict and go off to have a fantastic life. Mabye not 100% Everybody Lives, but a good ending. A happy ending.

Bringing her back, in turn, as a Fu Manchuette supervillain and then magically erasing her communications difficulties (even retconning so they NEVER EVEN EXISTED, if you go by the Navejo code shit), is rather like someone taking your puppy dog, running it over with a car, then pissing on its corpse, and deserves every bit of hate it's received.

So now we're at the point with Batgirl is back, but with what's most distinct and endearing about her erased. They Kid Flashed her Impulse, to put it obscenely. They wouldn't cure Barbara Gordon's paralysis and they wouldn't bring Batman's parents back from the dead. So, basically, I'm pissed off at the world and the people for whom political correctness is more about covering their own ass than actually acknowledging that people are...

Fuck it, here's a fanfic.

The fairy godmother told Cinderella that she had to leave the party before midnight—a simple enough rule. So much more direct than most of the rules that NTs followed. It was good that the fairy godmother told Cinderella the rule. NTs usually didn't talk about the rules they all followed. They just did certain things and then told me I was wrong when I did something else.

Title: Play By The Rules
Fandom: Batman
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,651
Characters/Pairings: Cass, Barda
Timeline: Batman and the Outsiders
Summary: I was reading a story and it occurred to me that Cassandra Cain was autistic.

She would wear her Mask if they let her. She liked her Mask. It was comfortable and covered her eyes. No eye contact. If she looked at people too long it was staring, but if she didn’t look it was impolite, and she had to smile too… if she wore the Mask, no one cared. They just wrote her off as creepy. She liked that. It was simpler. )

*"What do you mean she's not going to get better? She's supposed to get better!"
seriousfic: (Roy's Anti-Drug)
Title: Look Closer
Fandom: Birds of Prey
Rating: R
Word Count: 2,625
Characters/Pairings: Babs/Dinah, Big Barda, Zinda Blake, Helena Bertinelli, mention of Scott/Barda
Summary: At first glance, Barbara and Dinah are just good friends. If you don’t look closer…

“I suppose it’s nice to know someone has my back. Not that I need it, just… nice. Like, knowing you can come pick me up if things get hot.” “Wouldn’t say it’s exactly the same thing.” )
seriousfic: (Default)
Title: Distraction and Incentive
Fandom: DC Comics
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Barda/Diana, mention of Scott/Barda and Diana/Io
Word Count: 1,100
Summary: Written for the DCU femslash porn battle. Barda/Diana: "my husband thinks you're pretty"; Diana teaches Barda a lesson in love.

My lips aren’t enough for you? My hands aren’t enough for you? *This* isn’t enough for you? )


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April 2017

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