seriousfic

So I was going to do a post about how maybe Seinfeld and The Simpsons have Watchmened the sitcom genre... how many shows nowadays subvert the "wise, loving father who teaches a moral to his kids at the end of the episodes"; a cliche that doesn't really even exist anymore? Or that make jokes about how horrible the ensemble cast is, to the point where we have multiple shows that are actually about how awful the protagonist is. Like we've stopped deconstructing the sitcom and now we're constructing it around the shit we took on it?

But that got boring, so, eh, think about that or don't. I have lesbians to get to.

So Victorious is a show on Nickelodeon--yes, I know, stay with me--that's like if Ryan Murphy were killed in a horrid chainsaw accident, so Joss Whedon took over Glee. Teachers? Gone. There's just a wacky acting teacher and a running-gag guidance counselor, and they virtually never have their own storylines. Music? No lame covers; they actually perform original music and they save it for once every few episodes. Also, the main character and her sister are half-Hispanic, her best friend is black, and it would not surprise me if someone else in the cast were, idk, part Native American but not in a bullshit Johnny Depp way.

Also, it's super-gay, but I'm going to keep you in suspense before getting to that. Because you see, far more important than that is how Victorious is really a high school AU of Legend of the Seeker. Mainly in that Jade, the Faith to Tori's Buffy, is basically Cara. Only a teenage dramatic arts student instead of a Mord'Sith. IT IS AWESOME.


Don't worry, she's 19. I wouldn't Chloe Moretz you on this.

Jade is the school mean girl, a la Quinn Fabray. She's goth as fuck, keeps a scissors collection (I know we in fandom turned Agiels into a sex toy pretty quick, but I think we should cool it here. It would make watching Antichrist even more awkward) (and she says her favorite movie is a "horror film" called The Scissoring, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE), and calls exterminators "bug murderers" because why sugar-coat it? Also, when Tori pats her down (her idea) she says "Don't be shy." PICS, BECAUSE IT DID HAPPEN.


What am I supposed to say when you show me something like that, children's TV show?

And yes, she does say "It hurt, and not in a good way." Usually I'd turn to fanfic to find out what "a good way" would entail, but, digression, Victorious fandom seems adorably precocious. I checked their tag on tumblr, just to make sure the actresses aren't related or something (hey, it's happened, Grey's Anatomy), and it's all fanfic with illustrations from The Sims and drawings of them as My Little Ponies and an RPG where someone wants to play the daughter of President Snow from The Hunger Games, who looks like Jade. Le magnifique. They even call pairings stuff like "Rori" instead of "Robbie/Tori." You kids keep me young.


This is Tori, seen here tempting Jade to tickle her. Because that's a thing straight people do. I'm sure right now, on the set of The Expendables 2, Sylvester Stallone is going "Tickle me, Jason Statham! You gotta tickle me!"

Tori's the Kahlan of the group. She's kind and caring and forgives Jade no matter what, leading to Jade softening her behavior and tickle-fights. She also can have an orgasm without mind-raping anyone, so that's nice. And she has an annoying sister, which doesn't really correspond to Dennee, but then there was that time Dennee tried to Confess Kahlan's girlfriend, which we can all agree would've been pretty annoying. Jade's behavior toward her is right out of the Mistress Cara guide to picking up chicks.

Jade: You suck, Tori.

Jade: *flirts shamelessly with her*

Jade: I hate doing stuff with you!

Jade: *does stuff with her*

Jade: You’re so ugly, Tori!

Jade: *pets her hair*


This is Cat, pictured here in bed with Jade because fuck you, heterosexuality.

Cat is the Brittany of the group, just delivering her lines in a bright, cheerful monotone instead of a not-an-actor-actually-a-dancer monotone (I keep it real). She's also weapons-grade adorable, to the point that it's almost a fan disservice when she, say, gets into a watergun fight while in her bikini. No! I can't objectify you! You're too cute! I'm serious, if she ever asked me to have sex with her, fifty/fifty that I'd just ask her to play with some kittens instead.

Cat also gets shipped with Jade, because she's sorta the Needy to Jade's Jennifer (femslash fandom -- more complicated than the last Alan Moore comic). Cat is the only one Jade tolerates. In LotS terms, she's like Richard, if he really were the stoner airhead fandom sees him as. And had red hair. And was a girl. Also, she mentions her crazy brother all the time, so if anyone wants a fic where it's high school Darken Rahl, just pay ten bucks next time there's a fandom auction to save Haiti or whatever (or did we already save Haiti? We better have, there was an auction. I'd hate to think I wrote Tony Stark as a d-bag for nothing).


Sikowitz.

Sikowitz is like a non-horrible Will, or a Zedd that's actually funny (excepting that time Zedd dressed up as a woman, which has been and always will be hilarious). He's basically Gary Busey as a high school drama teacher, and he ships Tori and Jade. It's amazing.

And that's all I have to say about Victorious, except MORE GIFS! THEY MUST BE POSTED!





I think Christmas is about the only thing coming once a year in those gifs... *cringes into ball of shame because CHILDREN'S TV SHOW*

Unbeknownst to many, Martin Campbell's 2006 reboot of the James Bond franchise was originally intended to be even more radical. Bond wouldn't be blond, but a babe!

Following the failure of a Halle Berry Jinx spin-off to arise from Die Another Day, the producers seriously considered reviving the moribund series by applying the concept of a take-charge female secret agent to Bond himself. The idea got so far as a script draft depicting 'Jane Bond' as a bisexual 007, just as sexually voracious as ever. Tabrett Bethell, who had already tested for the role of Vesper, shot a 'chemistry test' with stage actress Bridget Regan, who had impressed producers by coming to her audition in a finely-cut tuxedo.

Later, the idea's main backer, producer Roy McCoy, was diagnosed with dementia and Daniel Craig was hired. But the ripples of the almost-film still traveled, with Bethell and Regan starting up a friendship that led to Bethell being cast in the second season of Regan's show, Legend of the Seeker. The pair is now working on a spoken-word album, Fear of Virginia Woolf.

Here now are exclusive images from their screen test, along with excerpts from the script, showing what might have been.

( Read more... )

Title: A nice, friendly game
Fandom: Legend of the Seeker
Rating: R
Word Count: 2,534
Characters/Pairings: Cara/Kahlan, Cara/Denna/Dahlia/Triana/Raina/Berdine/Kahlan, Richard/Kahlan
Summary: Written for the lots_pornbattle prompt: Cara/Denna/Dahlia/Triana/Raina/Berdine/Kahlan/?, Truth or Dare.

( It'll be fun, Kahlan said, to Cara's immediate doubt. )

So I finally got that so-long-on-hiatus-you-probably-forgot-it-exists Cara fic dead and buried. A little betaing and you'll be able to find out what happens to Cara, Dahlia, Kahlan, Triana, Jagang, and Richard as well. And I've just about done conceptualizing an weird hybrid between original short story and LotS fic, with some of the characters coming to our world and all kinds of metafictional shenanigans happening. It's kinda cool/difficult to get away from the established characterization and have to reintroduce characters for the first time or whatever. Like with Cara, there's this very definitive moment I have with her that made its way into Emotion is the glove into which pain slips its hand, where Cara seduces this village girl. The problem there being that I may be a prude, but it seems a little weird to introduce a character with a sex scene. So, using the conceit that the first part of the book is a character in the real world reading this cheesy fantasy novel introducing our heroes, he comes to this sex scene while he's on the bus and is just like "yeah, not reading this when I can hear two different babies crying" and skips ahead to the ~belt buckling~.

Another thing is that writing the story as would-be profic lets me mod the characters a little bit. Like Kahlan I'm mixing with bits of Quorra's Genki Girlness to give her more of a contrast with Cara, who in this world looks like Tura Satana and has a bit of diamond superpower instead of Agiels (yes, I'm shamelessly stealing Emma Frost's metaphor. Deal with it). And Richard is a bit more Seth Rogen-y than "abs and justice!", so hopefully people other than the femslashers will root for Cara and Kahlan to get together with him being a bit more of a schlub (in that he's introduced getting high and asking Cara to get him some medieval equivalent of chips).

Favorite bit thus far: when Cara and Kahlan finally track down the Terry Goodkind figure in the real world, not only are they trying to get answers about how come they're not in Kansas anymore, but Kahlan is going off on him about Richard's fantasy-novel endowment. "There is no reason for a penis to be twelve inches! None!"

Speaking of LotS, ( Hipsters! )

Title: Choose me
Fandom: Legend of the Seeker
Rating: R
Word Count: 2,442
Characters/Pairings: Cara/Kahlan, Richard/Kahlan
Next: Part 2
Summary: With the Keeper defeated, Kahlan can finally enjoy a life together with Richard. But what part does Cara play in that life?

( Would you tell me how beautiful I am? Would you bring me flowers? Would you dance with me? )

I'm posting this to the femslash comms because even though it's an OT3 fic, I think it centers enough on the Cara/Kahlan point of the triangle that even "eww het!" people should like it. When people talk about how slash is socially transgressive, this must be what they mean. If you're not satisfied, please return unread portion of the fic for a full refund.

Title: A good fit
Fandom: Legend of the Seeker
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 968
Characters/Pairings: Richard/Kahlan/Cara
Summary: Cara has a few problems adjusting to every aspect of her relationship with Richard and Kahlan.

( I'm fine, aside from the two hundred pounds of Lord Rahl on top of me. )

"[Bridget Regan]'s a wonderful girl and we have a really beautiful friendship, we're in each others' corners constantly, we're talking about make-up or magazines or clothes or what's going on on set or our characters or our love life..."

our love life

our love life

SINGULAR.



You're not fooling anyone by filling the video with clips of Kahlan and Cara talking about the thing with Leo, editors.

Oh God, this is filthy.

Title: Willingness
Fandom: Legend of the Seeker
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 3,720
Characters/Pairings: Cara/Dahlia, Nicci
Summary: AU. Dahlia has joined the Seeker's team, helping Cara by safeguarding their captive, Nicci. One night, Nicci sees how Cara got Dahlia on her side…

( Who's breaking you? I'm just giving you what you've always wanted. Strength. Power. Like what you're feeling between your legs right now. I'm the kind of master you've always wanted to serve. )

So things are looking a little dire in the other Cara story -- have you seen how many comments I'm getting? :( -- so here's another installment in the happy-go-lucky courtship of Kahlan Amnell by the soldier Cara Mason.

Title: Hen Night
Fandom: Legend of the Seeker
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2,191
Characters/Pairings: Cara/Kahlan, Richard/Denna, mention of Cara/Triana
Previous: Do you take this woman?
Summary: Cara and Kahlan are almost married. But when Kahlan hears a prophecy that Cara will cheat on her, will it be matrimony or cacophony?

( For the past week, Cara had been retired from the service and all Kahlan's to do with as she wished. Which, in this case, was planning their nuptials. It was such a load off to be able to trust Cara's fine tactical mind with seating arrangements and food arrangements and arrangement arrangements (since they didn't want people sitting in the food). )