seriousfic

So I was going to do a post about how maybe Seinfeld and The Simpsons have Watchmened the sitcom genre... how many shows nowadays subvert the "wise, loving father who teaches a moral to his kids at the end of the episodes"; a cliche that doesn't really even exist anymore? Or that make jokes about how horrible the ensemble cast is, to the point where we have multiple shows that are actually about how awful the protagonist is. Like we've stopped deconstructing the sitcom and now we're constructing it around the shit we took on it?

But that got boring, so, eh, think about that or don't. I have lesbians to get to.

So Victorious is a show on Nickelodeon--yes, I know, stay with me--that's like if Ryan Murphy were killed in a horrid chainsaw accident, so Joss Whedon took over Glee. Teachers? Gone. There's just a wacky acting teacher and a running-gag guidance counselor, and they virtually never have their own storylines. Music? No lame covers; they actually perform original music and they save it for once every few episodes. Also, the main character and her sister are half-Hispanic, her best friend is black, and it would not surprise me if someone else in the cast were, idk, part Native American but not in a bullshit Johnny Depp way.

Also, it's super-gay, but I'm going to keep you in suspense before getting to that. Because you see, far more important than that is how Victorious is really a high school AU of Legend of the Seeker. Mainly in that Jade, the Faith to Tori's Buffy, is basically Cara. Only a teenage dramatic arts student instead of a Mord'Sith. IT IS AWESOME.

Don't worry, she's 19. I wouldn't Chloe Moretz you on this.

Jade is the school mean girl, a la Quinn Fabray. She's goth as fuck, keeps a scissors collection (I know we in fandom turned Agiels into a sex toy pretty quick, but I think we should cool it here. It would make watching Antichrist even more awkward) (and she says her favorite movie is a "horror film" called The Scissoring, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE), and calls exterminators "bug murderers" because why sugar-coat it? Also, when Tori pats her down (her idea) she says "Don't be shy." PICS, BECAUSE IT DID HAPPEN.

What am I supposed to say when you show me something like that, children's TV show?

And yes, she does say "It hurt, and not in a good way." Usually I'd turn to fanfic to find out what "a good way" would entail, but, digression, Victorious fandom seems adorably precocious. I checked their tag on tumblr, just to make sure the actresses aren't related or something (hey, it's happened, Grey's Anatomy), and it's all fanfic with illustrations from The Sims and drawings of them as My Little Ponies and an RPG where someone wants to play the daughter of President Snow from The Hunger Games, who looks like Jade. Le magnifique. They even call pairings stuff like "Rori" instead of "Robbie/Tori." You kids keep me young.

This is Tori, seen here tempting Jade to tickle her. Because that's a thing straight people do. I'm sure right now, on the set of The Expendables 2, Sylvester Stallone is going "Tickle me, Jason Statham! You gotta tickle me!"

Tori's the Kahlan of the group. She's kind and caring and forgives Jade no matter what, leading to Jade softening her behavior ~~and tickle-fights~~. She also can have an orgasm without mind-raping anyone, so that's nice. And she has an annoying sister, which doesn't really correspond to Dennee, but then there was that time Dennee tried to Confess Kahlan's girlfriend, which we can all agree would've been pretty annoying. Jade's behavior toward her is right out of the Mistress Cara guide to picking up chicks.

Jade: You suck, Tori.

Jade: *flirts shamelessly with her*

Jade: I hate doing stuff with you!

Jade: *does stuff with her*

Jade: You’re so ugly, Tori!

Jade: *pets her hair*

This is Cat, pictured here in bed with Jade because fuck you, heterosexuality.

Cat is the Brittany of the group, just delivering her lines in a bright, cheerful monotone instead of a not-an-actor-actually-a-dancer monotone (I keep it real). She's also weapons-grade adorable, to the point that it's almost a fan disservice when she, say, gets into a watergun fight while in her bikini. No! I can't objectify you! You're too cute! I'm serious, if she ever asked me to have sex with her, fifty/fifty that I'd just ask her to play with some kittens instead.

Cat also gets shipped with Jade, because she's sorta the Needy to Jade's Jennifer (femslash fandom -- more complicated than the last Alan Moore comic). Cat is the only one Jade tolerates. In LotS terms, she's like Richard, if he really were the stoner airhead fandom sees him as. And had red hair. And was a girl. Also, she mentions her crazy brother all the time, so if anyone wants a fic where it's high school Darken Rahl, just pay ten bucks next time there's a fandom auction to save Haiti or whatever (or did we already save Haiti? We better have, there was an auction. I'd hate to think I wrote Tony Stark as a d-bag for nothing).

Sikowitz.

Sikowitz is like a non-horrible Will, or a Zedd that's actually funny (excepting that time Zedd dressed up as a woman, which has been and always will be hilarious). He's basically Gary Busey as a high school drama teacher, and he ships Tori and Jade. It's amazing.

And that's all I have to say about Victorious, except MORE GIFS! THEY MUST BE POSTED!