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seriousficSo Smallville begins with Lois accidentally causing an explosion in a crowded lab. That’s the problem with having a secret laboratory. OSHA can’t check to see if it’s safety-compliant. Needless to say, the next morning she’s jumping down Clark’s pants, probably to drive away the faces of those she’s wronged, flashing before her eyes. Watch the opening credits and ask how many of the actors are playing sociopaths.
And since the finale is close, things actually start happening. Zod reveals he has superpowers, to Clark’s… homoerotic approval? Yes, well, Clark has gotten red-Ked, AGAIN, so now he’s acting out his hidden desires like… smacking Chloe around and telling her she’s a shitty friend. Whoa, you mean every time Chloe disappoints Clark, he’s holding off from smacking her one? Jesus.
Haven’t we already had an episode this season where Clark gets mind-whammied and goes off the reservation? I only ask because by the third act of the season arc, I’d like to think the drama should derive from the characters and their development, not from artificial whammying. Romeo & Juliet didn’t end in tragedy because someone slipped cocaine into Romeo’s coffee, after all.
So anyway, Zod makes a big speech about how he can’t trust Chloe because she’s amassing Kryponite (as would come in handy in the future, when Kryptonians have taken over the world), while he can trust Zod because no one else knows what it’s like to have powers and he’s the only one who shares Clark’s Kryptonian heritage. And the only way the writers can make this shit work is to have Clark high on super-drugs. Weeee!
Oh, hey, Chloe and Tess have a scene. The thing I love about Tess is, every time she talks with another woman, she endows every line with the subtext of “how would you like to be handcuffed while I do things to your body?” I imagine her asking Tabreth Bethell to pass the sugar and Tab complying would earn an automatic NC-17.
"Lots of things taste better with sugar, don't they?"
Zod and Clark go to the Fortressto make out and Zod starts a monologue with “On Krypton, we worship the sun god Ra” and then goes on to talk about how awesome Kryptonians don’t have superstitions and science is religion. Dude, you pray to a giant fuckin’ ball of gas. Come off it.
By the way, is it not super-weird that there's been an entire season of Kandor, which Kara left Metropolis to find, and she hasn't appeared or even been mentioned? I know she's on another show, but you'd think they'd come up with an explanation for her absence.
Lois shows up at the Chloe + Tess Ship Manifesto. Immediately, a march for gay marriage forms in the vicinity. Tess immediately performs a citizen's arrest on Lois for trespassing and manslaughter, and since it was a secret government facility where so many children were orphaned, Lois is tried by a military tribunal and sentenced to life in Gitmo.
Or, Chloe just chloroforms Lois, making lots of fetishists very happy. But Tess does this, so we'll forgive the oversight.
Metallo shows up in the Fortress... billions of years in technological advancement and it doesn’t have bars on the windows. Clark drops some ice on him and all it does is take out Metallo’s emotion chip (I know, alright, I KNOW), and then Clark and Zod blow Metallo at the same time, leaving him frigid. Then Zod says “And I thought I got a chilly welcome.” I think the reason Zod became an evil world destroyer is that his stand-up routine bombed like Fat Man and Little Boy.
I should note that in this continuity, Metallo isn’t a robot with a human brain, but just a cyborg. He has a big hunk of Kryptonite in his chest, but the rest of him is original recipe. So how is he able to survive having chunks of ice dropped on him and being frozen alive?
Metallo breaks out and… I guess at some point he started working for Chloe? And became a good guy? Because he stabs Clark with Kryptonite, thus curing him of the Red Kryptonite. Fact: You can cure bad radiation with good radiation.
Also, fucking METALLO gets an redemption arc, but Davis turns out to be a sociopath. You just… GNARGHLLZZIE!
Okay, so remember when Chloe chloroformed Lois? Well, it was so that Tess could disappear the lab she had discovered, thus making her look crazy if she tried to claim she’d found it. And yet, Lois apparently managed to grab a robot heart that runs on red Kryptonite, which apparently lasts longer than green Kryptonite, so Metallo doesn't need to shoot up liquid Kryptonite periodically (yes, that happened in this episode). I guess that doesn’t count as proof that there’s a lab and hinky things are about. Hell, Metallo is walking, talking proof. I realize he probably wants to have a normal life, but his chest is a car factory. What’s he got to lose?
Also, Metallo flirts with Lois some, and them parting is treated like some epic love story thing. He was in two episodes! It’s been months since we’ve last seen him! No one has any emotional investment in this character!
Tess meets up with Zod for the standard scheming and bantering. Remember on Gargoyles, how Xanatos would end each episode talking about how he’d furthered his plans or how he’d pull victory out of the jaws of defeat? This is so shittier than that.
Also, Tess makes out with Zod some. It’s like everyone on this show is flying and getting laid EXCEPT for Clark. Why is he the hero again?
Clark speeds in on Chloe chipping away at the giant S-symbol he flamed into the wall, all by herself. This is why she’s called Watchtower instead of Oracle. The real Oracle would’ve called Impulse in and had that cleaned up lickety-shit. Or she could’ve just left it up there as a fun conversation piece. Really, the whole ‘command center’ thing? So 90s. Why not chill out a little, maybe throw in a minifridge, a drink fountain with Orange Slice, maybe like a dumbwaiter and we can order pizza and have him put it in the dumbwaiter so we can get stuffed crust without compromising our secret headquarters? I mean, hey, if you’re going to have a secret headquarters, why not go all out? It’s either that or build it inside a volcano.
Clark, get this, apologizes to Chloe for being a dick and admits she had a good idea. Then comes a big talk about how Zod is the only one who understands him and he wants to be with him as some sort of “wish fulfillment” and even Tess is going “hey, you wanna ramp up on the hetero there?” He even tells Chloe that Zod is the closest thing to a brother he may ever know. Douche-chill on the entire male supporting cast, past or present!
And you HAD a Kryptonian brother, remember? He ended up stabbing Jimmy in the heart. Yes, I know it was really stupid, but maybe you should learn a lesson from that.
Zod calls a family meeting with the Kandorians in the Fortress of Solitude (umm… do you really want to do that under the nose of a nigh-omnipotent AI which hates you?). The Kandorians have switched from their olive drab ensembles to leather jackets and jeans. Guess it must be Casual Friday. Oh, wait, they’re aliens. So, Casual Fijitesday.
Zod cuts his hand open with a Kryptonite blade that I guess Metallo just left lying around, pours his blood into a bowl, and tells everyone to drink from it. He’s either giving them superpowers or it’s Kryptonian sexual harassment. Is there a reason he couldn’t do this several episodes ago? Uh…
And since the finale is close, things actually start happening. Zod reveals he has superpowers, to Clark’s… homoerotic approval? Yes, well, Clark has gotten red-Ked, AGAIN, so now he’s acting out his hidden desires like… smacking Chloe around and telling her she’s a shitty friend. Whoa, you mean every time Chloe disappoints Clark, he’s holding off from smacking her one? Jesus.
Haven’t we already had an episode this season where Clark gets mind-whammied and goes off the reservation? I only ask because by the third act of the season arc, I’d like to think the drama should derive from the characters and their development, not from artificial whammying. Romeo & Juliet didn’t end in tragedy because someone slipped cocaine into Romeo’s coffee, after all.
So anyway, Zod makes a big speech about how he can’t trust Chloe because she’s amassing Kryponite (as would come in handy in the future, when Kryptonians have taken over the world), while he can trust Zod because no one else knows what it’s like to have powers and he’s the only one who shares Clark’s Kryptonian heritage. And the only way the writers can make this shit work is to have Clark high on super-drugs. Weeee!
Oh, hey, Chloe and Tess have a scene. The thing I love about Tess is, every time she talks with another woman, she endows every line with the subtext of “how would you like to be handcuffed while I do things to your body?” I imagine her asking Tabreth Bethell to pass the sugar and Tab complying would earn an automatic NC-17.
"Lots of things taste better with sugar, don't they?"
Zod and Clark go to the Fortress
By the way, is it not super-weird that there's been an entire season of Kandor, which Kara left Metropolis to find, and she hasn't appeared or even been mentioned? I know she's on another show, but you'd think they'd come up with an explanation for her absence.
Lois shows up at the Chloe + Tess Ship Manifesto. Immediately, a march for gay marriage forms in the vicinity. Tess immediately performs a citizen's arrest on Lois for trespassing and manslaughter, and since it was a secret government facility where so many children were orphaned, Lois is tried by a military tribunal and sentenced to life in Gitmo.
Or, Chloe just chloroforms Lois, making lots of fetishists very happy. But Tess does this, so we'll forgive the oversight.
Metallo shows up in the Fortress... billions of years in technological advancement and it doesn’t have bars on the windows. Clark drops some ice on him and all it does is take out Metallo’s emotion chip (I know, alright, I KNOW), and then Clark and Zod blow Metallo at the same time, leaving him frigid. Then Zod says “And I thought I got a chilly welcome.” I think the reason Zod became an evil world destroyer is that his stand-up routine bombed like Fat Man and Little Boy.
I should note that in this continuity, Metallo isn’t a robot with a human brain, but just a cyborg. He has a big hunk of Kryptonite in his chest, but the rest of him is original recipe. So how is he able to survive having chunks of ice dropped on him and being frozen alive?
Metallo breaks out and… I guess at some point he started working for Chloe? And became a good guy? Because he stabs Clark with Kryptonite, thus curing him of the Red Kryptonite. Fact: You can cure bad radiation with good radiation.
Also, fucking METALLO gets an redemption arc, but Davis turns out to be a sociopath. You just… GNARGHLLZZIE!
Okay, so remember when Chloe chloroformed Lois? Well, it was so that Tess could disappear the lab she had discovered, thus making her look crazy if she tried to claim she’d found it. And yet, Lois apparently managed to grab a robot heart that runs on red Kryptonite, which apparently lasts longer than green Kryptonite, so Metallo doesn't need to shoot up liquid Kryptonite periodically (yes, that happened in this episode). I guess that doesn’t count as proof that there’s a lab and hinky things are about. Hell, Metallo is walking, talking proof. I realize he probably wants to have a normal life, but his chest is a car factory. What’s he got to lose?
Also, Metallo flirts with Lois some, and them parting is treated like some epic love story thing. He was in two episodes! It’s been months since we’ve last seen him! No one has any emotional investment in this character!
Tess meets up with Zod for the standard scheming and bantering. Remember on Gargoyles, how Xanatos would end each episode talking about how he’d furthered his plans or how he’d pull victory out of the jaws of defeat? This is so shittier than that.
Also, Tess makes out with Zod some. It’s like everyone on this show is flying and getting laid EXCEPT for Clark. Why is he the hero again?
Clark speeds in on Chloe chipping away at the giant S-symbol he flamed into the wall, all by herself. This is why she’s called Watchtower instead of Oracle. The real Oracle would’ve called Impulse in and had that cleaned up lickety-shit. Or she could’ve just left it up there as a fun conversation piece. Really, the whole ‘command center’ thing? So 90s. Why not chill out a little, maybe throw in a minifridge, a drink fountain with Orange Slice, maybe like a dumbwaiter and we can order pizza and have him put it in the dumbwaiter so we can get stuffed crust without compromising our secret headquarters? I mean, hey, if you’re going to have a secret headquarters, why not go all out? It’s either that or build it inside a volcano.
Clark, get this, apologizes to Chloe for being a dick and admits she had a good idea. Then comes a big talk about how Zod is the only one who understands him and he wants to be with him as some sort of “wish fulfillment” and even Tess is going “hey, you wanna ramp up on the hetero there?” He even tells Chloe that Zod is the closest thing to a brother he may ever know. Douche-chill on the entire male supporting cast, past or present!
And you HAD a Kryptonian brother, remember? He ended up stabbing Jimmy in the heart. Yes, I know it was really stupid, but maybe you should learn a lesson from that.
Zod calls a family meeting with the Kandorians in the Fortress of Solitude (umm… do you really want to do that under the nose of a nigh-omnipotent AI which hates you?). The Kandorians have switched from their olive drab ensembles to leather jackets and jeans. Guess it must be Casual Friday. Oh, wait, they’re aliens. So, Casual Fijitesday.
Zod cuts his hand open with a Kryptonite blade that I guess Metallo just left lying around, pours his blood into a bowl, and tells everyone to drink from it. He’s either giving them superpowers or it’s Kryptonian sexual harassment. Is there a reason he couldn’t do this several episodes ago? Uh…
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no subject
Date: 2010-04-20 08:37 pm (UTC)Everything was just so great I have no idea where to start - Tam? Worshiping Gas? No bars or alarm systems at The Fortress?
LOVE IT.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-20 08:55 pm (UTC)As for Super Girl disappearing. LULZ. It's funny how NOBODY is asking or concerned about her. Isn't it? I have more to say, but you said it just fine here. XD
no subject
Date: 2010-04-21 07:17 am (UTC)THIS. I was waiting for her to mount Chloe in the secret lab. Chloe looked like she wouldn't be complaining. I mean, she has eyes, after all.
Also, Metallo flirts with Lois some, and them parting is treated like some epic love story thing.
I actually kind of thought it was slightly moving, given how incredibly pathetic it was.