![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficTitle: The Queer Case of Spider-Man and Tony Stark’s Family Jewels
Fandom: Spectacular Spider-Man/Iron Man movieverse
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Any permutation of Peter Parker, Tony Stark, Pepper Potts, and Felicia Hardy that you can name. Except that one.
Word Count: 4,972
Timeline: During the symbiote arc of Spectacular Spider-Man and post-movie Iron Man. Sequel to Don’t Steal My Heart (Take The Diamonds Instead).
Acknowledgments: Beta by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
htbthomas
Summary: Never invite a cat burglar to a formal soiree. It’s tacky.
Peter didn't even watch Entertainment Tonight. He didn't care about celebrity gossip, whether Lindsey was a lesbian or Kirsten Dunst was in rehab. Gwen had it on for background noise while they studied and the name "Tony Stark" flittered across his hearing. He gave quadratic equations a reprieve and looked at the TV. Maybe it had to do with Iron Man.
Peter's thought process: Stark --> Iron Man --> supervillain --> swing into action.
But it was just a puff piece on the new Yankee Stadium finally having its dugout completed. Tony Stark was taking a break from his Iron work in Symkaria to be the first at bat on the new diamond. "And if anyone could drag our Tony back into a tux, it's heiress Felicia Hardy, fresh from a Caribbean cruise with her BFF Emma Frost…" the anchor lady twitted on as the camera swung from the slightly bruised billionaire to the silver-haired babe on his arm.
Peter gaped. The hair, the motion, the jawline… the cleavage… it was Cat!
"Uck, she is such a skank." Gwen pointed into her open mouth in the universal symbol for 'gag me.' "Stark's twice her age! He could do so much better."
Peter was fixated on the TV. Tony's hands were all over Felicia. Such a beautiful name, Felicia… "She wasn't in the Caribbean, she was stealing from Tombstone," Peter mumbled. His hands curled into fists, as if he were possessively grabbing hold of her. "With me." And now Tony Stark had his arm around her, planted right on the small of her back, where one slip could lead it downward.
We gonna stand for that, Tiger? It was the symbiote. It sounded a little like MJ. You saw her first.
"Peter, are you feeling all right?" Gwen asked.
The symbiote wanted to come out and play. Trying to will it not to come out from under his outerwear was like trying not to bleed.
"I need some air."
***
"They let me keep the ball," Tony said, smugly tossing up the first baseball ever thrown in the new Yankee Stadium for Pepper to see.
They were in the new Monument Park, under the Batter's Eye Restaurant which was providing the free meal. Tony would've found it as stuffy as any other museum, only an obsolete Iron Man glove (damaged while punching the Titanium Man through, oops, the bleachers of the new stadium) was in a display with some famous catcher's mitts. Tony was still slightly worried… not that someone would steal it, but that a thief would set off the proprietary self-destruct. He probably hadn't used enough gunpowder… ah, well, having the only monument capable of making like a Michael Bay movie was pretty cool on its own.
"You think we should start a collection?" he continued. "First football of the Superbowl, first soccer ball of the World Cup. Could be fun."
"You hate soccer."
"We'll skip that."
Pepper rolled her eyes and made room in her purse for the baseball. She was wearing a conservative skirt-suit, having decided that for her, dresses and Tony Stark didn't mix. If only he would get a similar memo and stop wearing James Bond tuxedos. "Where's your date, Felicity?"
"Felicia," Tony corrected with a playful twist to his tongue. He purloined a martini from a passing waiter. "Probably touching up her make-up or something." He shrugged dismissively. "You know how girls are."
Pepper nodded with her customary sardonic sanguineness, slightly more sardonic than usual. "A little."
"Don't be that way. You're different, you're a wo-man." He put the slightest inflection on the last word; what she'd come to associate with his Tony and Pepper, alone on a desert island lines. His voice a little deeper, a little more serious, a little harder to ignore.
"Uh-huh. Would you excuse me?"
"Sure. If you're going to the buffet table, see if they've brought out some more of those little shrimp things."
***
While Pepper was seeing about those little shrimp things, Felicia Hardy had found the door to the showroom unlocked (after picking the lock, of course) and snuck inside for a quick bit of “foreplay.” She looked at herself in her compact. Perfect. Her scarlet lipstick contrasted and flowed with the rest of her body, working in concert with her blush and rouge and beehive hairdo to give her a completely different beauty than her real face (which happened to include a mask). Mostly Madonna, with a deniable level of whore. Like she didn't know where her evening dress was clinging. Thank goddess she hadn't gone with blue lipstick. Emma had her same complexion and she looked like a total hooker when she wore that.
She looked from her reflection to the Maria Stark Diamond, coincidentally cut in the shape of a baseball diamond and scheduled for a public viewing with the rest of the Stark Diamonds later in the evening. Her compact's sensor (she still couldn't get over how Alias that was) had recorded the security system. Motion detectors and closed-circuit cameras. How quaint. She would've expected more from Iron Man.
"Looking for the powder room?"
Felicia snapped her compact shut. It was Pepper Potts, getting territorial. Felicia got into her personal space, taking her hands. It was domineering body language that usually made her target back down, but Pepper just squeezed in total contrast to her PR smile. Showing how much power there was in her small fingers.
"Pep, may I call you Pep?" Felicia gave Pepper's arms a winsome flap. “I'm so glad I got you alone, because someone needs to tell you this. You have a great body… why are you hiding it in that radiation suit?"
She took a step closer to unbutton the top two and bottom two buttons of Pepper's blouse.
"I know what you're thinking. 'I'm going to look like a skank.' It's okay, not all women can pull off skank."
She spun Pepper around, stripping away her jacket.
"And maybe you didn't learn this in community college, but showing your ankles isn't exactly daring anymore. It's not called a striptease because women take off their socks, after all."
She crouched down and ripped a slit in Pepper's thigh up to the waistband.
"And are those penny loafers? Oh, how horrid," she said blankly, a quick break from her rapid-fire patter in the same tone she might've used for learning that a stranger's dog had died of old age. "Here, take my Manolo Blahniks. I'll go barefoot. It's avant-garde."
Still gaping in disbelief, Pepper allowed her feet to be wedged into the high heels. Then she closed her mouth into the classic profile of her set jaw. "I went to Yale," Pepper replied icily. "On a scholarship." Then she smiled, as if they were making small talk. "Where did you go to college?"
"School of hard knocks. Spin."
Pepper felt herself being spun around like a rack of cheap paperbacks.
"Not bad at all, considering time constraints and what I had to work with. The dress, I mean, not you." Felicia licked her finger and pretended to singe it on Pepper's shoulder. "Oh, I think Mr. Stark will definitely be asking you to work nights."
Pepper's eyebrows shot up. Felicia had, in an unknowing moment of feminine camaraderie, slipped into her Black Cat tone. It made the quip sound like a come-on. Which it was, as always.
Pepper thought through what to say in typically quick fashion and settled on "So, are you coming back to the party?"
Felicia clutched Pepper's arm in excitement. "You're right. I have to show off my latest creation."
Pepper was dragged away back in the lobby of Monument Park, wondering what she had gotten herself into.
***
On the New York social scene, Pepper knew precisely no one. In L.A., they were a package deal. Anyone familiar with the Pepper Potts half of Tony and Pepper was worth their time. Tony, being Tony, hadn't thought to introduce her to anyone. But Felicia more than made up for that oversight, glad-handling Pepper with so many debutantes and local celebrities that even her vast memory was taxed by their names. It wouldn't have been that bad – for a crazy person, Felicia made a great hostess – but the heiress kept toying with her hair and holding her, at the hand or at the waist. Pepper suddenly had a vivid idea of what it was like to be Tony Stark arm-candy. Only Tony would never be so handy…
Pepper extricated herself from the offending arm, then said (mock-) apologetically. "Excuse me, I have to get some air."
Felicia raised a provocative eyebrow. "Alone?"
Felicia nodded understandingly, and went to catch up with an old friend.
Pepper found Tony encircled by his adoring public, who were being regaled by an Iron Man tall tale. Pepper dimly recognized it as his fight with the Mandarin, although she didn't remember there being a giant alien dragon.
"So I just look that dragon square in the face and say "Look, I don't care if you were born without genitalia, you're a fifty-foot gecko in purple pants. Who're ya gonna screw, Hillary Clinton?'" Tony, too classy to laugh at his own jokes, remained wryly stone-faced as his audience did it for him.
Pepper added a dry "Ha. Ha." to the chorus before motioning Tony to the privacy of a vintage batting cage. Tony bid his audience adieu and grudgingly allowed Pepper to shepherd him away. A mystery novelist was slugging away inside the cage, so they stood in back of the pitching machine where the sound muffled their conversation.
Tony took the opportunity to sneak some hooch from his hip flask. "What's so important? That redhead was liking it Stark."
"You already have a date."
"Oh, yeah." Tony's face scrunched up like a schoolboy faced with a pop quiz. "Is she pretty?"
Pepper swiped his flask. "I think you've had enough."
"That's theft. Aren’t you only supposed to steal office supplies?”
"Arrest me, superhero." Pepper took a dainty sip, solely to put him at ease. "Speaking of theft…"
"You look great, by the way." Tony did his art critic act, tapping his pinky against his chin, then leveling said digit at her. "Did you do something with your hair?"
At the mention of her 'makeover,' Pepper's growl and blush canceled each other out. "I think Felicia… your date," she added to stymie Tony's confusion, "is casing your jewels."
"That's why I have a condom in my wallet. Two if she's roadside."
"No, I mean the family… diamonds." Pepper rolled her eyes on herself. "Did you know she's been in every city where the Black Cat has committed a robbery?"
"So you're saying there's a chance that at night, she dresses up in black leather and…"
"I see where you're going with this," Pepper interrupted, arms crossed into their usual defensive stance against her boss's libido. "And before you even start, I'm not jealous."
"Never said you were."
"And I am not protesting too much."
"Good to know."
Pepper took a much larger swig from Tony's flask.
"If it makes you feel any better, I promise to keep a close eye on her. Two, even."
Pepper tried for another swig, but the bottle was empty. Smarting with shame, she handed it back to Tony.
"Thirsty? You can have my drink." Felicia appeared at their side out of nowhere to press a drink into Pepper's hand. It was done with the same firm grace that had already introduced her to a dozen and a half corporate titans with no idea who she was. "Tony, I took the liberty of getting you a vodka martini on the rocks."
Tony stroked her hand as he took the drink. "You should take more liberties with me."
Pepper would've made a break for it then, but Felicia wound an arm around her and Tony, practically cinching them together.
"Oh, I can just tell we're going to be the very best of friends."
***
Spider-Man swung on symbiotic autopilot through New York. He was too angry for acrobatics or a clever internal monologue or to remember that he wanted to go to the new Yankee Stadium, not the old one. That just made him madder. It was all Tony Stark's fault.
At long last, and surrounded by a halo of mumbled curses, Spider-Man found the party. He threw open a window with his feet as he swung in. The strong breeze he let in further dramatized his entrance.
He landed in the rafters, one arm and leg bared threateningly. "Tony Stark!"
The sea of tuxedos and evening dresses subtly, unconsciously parted around the wall-crawler's target. "No, I'm his evil twin brother, Tommy Stark. I think you may have the wrong gala."
Tony was a head taller than Peter, so when Spider-Man jumped down he shot a webline back up to dangle him right in Tony's face. "I'm tired of you getting all the glory for wearing a billion dollar tank. Anyone could be a hero in that thing."
"Fashion envy from a fellow superhero?" Tony tsk-tsked. "I don't get it. The all-black look… the white spider… classy in a Hot Topic sort of way. If you were a goth chick, I'd…"
Spider-Man grabbed him by the hair and shoved him down to his knees. "I know exactly what you'd do, you disgusting chauvinist!"
"I was going to say compose angsty poetry, before you went all feminist on me."
Spider-Man let him up. Then the wall-crawler stripped off his glove and slapped Tony across the face with it. "Ma chère, I challenge you to a duel!"
"Ma chère is French for woman, you idiot!"
"Oh, I'm well-aware of that."
Tony slowly rubbed his jaw. Pepper took his right arm – "Tony, don't do anything stupid." – as Felicia took his left arm – "He's just a dumb kid, come on…"
"Mind if I cut in?" Then Spider-Man shot out a webline that snagged Felicia's dress. He yanked her over his shoulder and started ascending back up his webline.
Felicia flailed her fists on Spider-Man's back as she was pulled up into the darkness of the rafters. "Tooooony! He got his goop on my dress! Kick his ass!"
Tony slowly took off his jacket, although it was more for effect than actually having anything under it. "Okay, I like to consider myself a reasonable person, intelligent and patient. That's why I built a killer robot suit for dealing with pests like you. Just give me half-an-hour to go and get it—"
"Take your time." Peter was very much liking having Felicia Hardy in hand.
"Set me down, jerk!"
He did. This high up, they were out of earshot and even mostly hidden from sight. It was a good thing, too, as anyone watching would've been a mite suspicious with how easily Felicia balanced on the ceiling beam.
"What's with the damsel in distress routine? You wouldn't happen to have a slightly evil twin, perchance?"
"It's called a secret identity, jackass. Thanks for nearly blowing it!"
"Uh-huh." Spider-Man jerked a thumb down toward Tony Stark, who was on his cell-phone. "What part of your cover is that?"
"Beard?" Felicia spoke teasingly thoughtful, a small smile perching on her lips. "It's good to see you again."
"Oh, uh…" Peter blushed under his mask "Thankee."
"This whole alpha male act of yours is actually a little cute. And putting away all of the Sinister Six?" She fanned herself, then leaned in closer to him. Peter bent back at the ankles to give her space. "What do you do for an encore?"
"Well, I, uh, uhhhh… hadn't actually thought that far ahead. Hey, stop that!"
Felicia paused in her crawl across Peter's body. "Stop what?"
"You know what! You're all about the teasing, but then we going somewhere with the cheesing, and you bugged out to a yacht with Emma Frost. Not that I blame you, she's a looker, but what happened to 'let's go on a date somewhere they don't mind wearing masks'? I liked that plan, that was a good plan."
Felicia ran a hand through her hair, now backing off Spider-Man. She straightened her dress a little. "I'm not a real fan of commitment. I don't get why we have to make a big deal of it," she said, downcast. She toyed with her shoulder strap, smiling again. "We can be… friends, without having to be exclusive."
Spider-Man sat back against the rafter. "Why do women keep saying that to me? First Mary-Jane, now you…"
"Who the hell is Mary-Jane!?"
***
Tony made a mental note to transform his gawking expression into a square-chinned "heroic determination" look. It just read better. A second or two after Spider-Man and his date had disappeared into the shadows, he jerked his cell-phone out and hit speed-dial. After a few moments, Rhodes picked up.
"Hey, Rhodey? It's me. No, Tony. I need a favor, where are you? Okay, screw that, I need you to go to my apartment and bring me my portable Iron Man armor. There's this set of suitcases, they have this cool logo by the handle... Take the pick-up, you'll need the space… no, no, it's not going AWOL. Just… excuse yourself. High school students can excuse themselves. Tell them you need to use the can. Come on! All right, tell them it's for America's safety. Well, no, but it might be in the future. It sets a good precedent. He kidnapped my date. Yes, I know her name, it's…"
Pepper mouthed 'Felicia.'
"—Felicia. Okay, good. And could you pick up a Slurpee or something on the way here, all they have is this mildly ticklish fruit punch… hello?" Tony put away his cell-phone. "He's on his way. Pepper, with me."
With that, he determinedly strode out of the room, while the eavesdroppers stood around to watch Spider-Man and Felicia sitting in the rafters. Their legs were dangling into the light from where they sat side by side, swaying a little.
Outside, Tony stopped and sat on the curb. "This is going to be boring."
Pepper stood by him. "You could just go to your hotel yourself."
"I took a limo. I told him he could come back in three hours. What do you want me to do, hail a cab?"
Pepper raised her hand. "TAXI!"
***
The cab and pick-up truck pulled to a stop in an empty parking lot. Rhodes confidently swung out the door like a truck commercial hero. Tony reeled out of the taxi, briefly going down on all fours before getting up and brushing himself off. Pepper followed after apologetically paying the cabbie.
"People actually ride in those things!?" Tony demanded as he tried to shake himself loose of the smell. "Because I just got the impression that it was some kind of intimidation thing, like a pillory in a medieval town." He noticed Rhodey, though his train of thought continued to be an express. "Rhodey, you remember that sick yak in Tibet? It smells exactly like that. It's actually kind of intriguing, scientifically speaking. You should take a whiff."
"I'll pass. Your armor's in the back."
"Cool." Tony was already pulling off his tuxedo to unlimber the skinsuit underneath. "Anyone wanna stick a dollar in my garter, make me feel special? College doesn't pay for itself, you know." He kicked off his dress shoes and pulled on the jet boots.
Pepper and Rhodey exchanged long-suffering looks, then Pepper made a chopping gesture at the colonel. Translation: Your turn.
Rhodey forced himself to lean against the pick-up casually. "Tony, are you really sure you want to put a suit of two billion dollar armor on just so you can settle a feud?"
Tony waved at his ear like there was a fly near it with an already-gloved hand. "It's no different than drag-racing the jerk who cut me off in traffic."
"That's how you totaled the Aston-Martin."
"And now I have an Audi." Tony slipped on the chestplate. "See how fortune favors the bold?" He pulled on his helmet and the red boots, gloves, and chestplate unleashed a liquid swarm of nanobots that quickly constructed the flexible golden armor connecting them. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a spider to squash. If you need me, I'll be grabbing the world's biggest newspaper."
He flew off with a dramatic flare of his repulsors. Pepper and Rhodey watched him disappear into the night sky, just another star after 2.5 seconds.
"You need a ride back?" Rhodey asked.
"Do we have to listen to country music?"
"Yes."
"Can I ride in the back?"
"No."
***
"Seriously, she's just this girl I know who I took to the Spring Formal."
"Uh-huh." Felicia crossed her arms. "And what's the Spring Formal?"
"It's this dance. Obviously. It was before I even met you."
"So, are you still seeing her?"
"Of course I'm still seeing her, we're friends, she goes to my school!"
"But you're not exclusive."
"No."
"So she just lets you run around with whoever you like while she runs around with whoever she likes? What a slut."
Spider-Man was about to launch into a very well-thought-out dismantling of Felicia's jealousy when a repulsor ray kicked him in the back, pinged him against a pylon, and let gravity drop him to the buffet table. Iron Man hovered down to a still-jealous Felicia. His faceplate opened. "Kiss for luck?" Tony asked.
Felicia gave him one and two and three, eyes open to make sure Peter was watching.
Spider-Man leapt to his feet, stepping in the egg salad. He shook his foot off. "Hitting a man when his back is turned. Just about what I'd expect from you."
Iron Man lead-weighted down to the ground in a crouch. "Yeah, I've had three martinis, so I'm really not in the best headspace for all the witty back-and-forth. So would it be okay if I just kick your ass?"
"That sounds really weird when you have your Darth Vader voice on. Say 'rubber baby bumper rumper room.' C'mon, it'll be funny."
"You know what else is funny?" Iron Man fired another repulsor ray. This time, Peter was listening to his spider-sense. He dodged out of the way. The repulsor hit the north end of the table and catapulted its contents into the air. The audience was splattered like the first three rows of a Gallagher show. "Sorry, folks."
Spider-Man jumped onto a pillar alongside him. "Relax, it's probably a great exfoliant. Just like this." As per tradition, he gave Iron Man a faceful of web. Tony ripped off the webbing and a coat of paint to see a dark fist cleared for landing. It sent him somersaulting back, but he recovered in time to see Spider-Man flailing his hand in pain.
"Too bad you're not wearing state-of-the-art armor," Tony mocked, before one of his helmet's glowing eyepieces shorted out. He conked the side of his head to get it working again. He was invincible! The Invincible Iron Man… catchy. Note to self: Call marketing division. "Face it, Spider-Man, you're strictly small-time, while I'm the cream of the crop."
Spidey shot out a webline that blotched harmlessly on Iron Man's ankle. "I like my cream whipped!" With that, he threw Iron Man around by the webline, cratering the floor and walls and ceiling before pitching him out the window. "And stay out!" He roared.
The entire crowd listened to the slide-whistle of Iron Man's descent. With a collective wince, they heard glass smash and a car alarm go off. And a cat yowl. And chimpanzee noises.
Spider-Man scratched his head. "Maybe next time I should aim around the sound effects factory."
A trumpet wailed mournfully: Wah-wah-wah-wahhhhhhhhhhhhh…
Victorious, Spider-Man slid down on webline to hang by Pepper Potts. "Pretty slick, huh?" Spider-Man pretended to buff his nails against his shirt. "That is how winners win. So, Red, what's your sign? Slippery when wet or dangerous curves ahead?"
Pepper invented an entirely new brand of disapprovingly crossed arms. "You should be ashamed of yourself. Everyone was having a good time and then you came and started trouble for no good reason."
"A-ha, that's where you're wrong. Because I preserved a young lady's virtue here today."
"Help! The Stark Diamonds have been stolen!"
Spider-Man took a long look at the woman who had just burst out of the showroom, daring her to admit it was a bad joke, then looked sheepishly to Pepper. She nudged Rhodey, who had just run in with the panting expression of someone about to ask 'What'd I miss?' (parking was a bitch at the new Yankee Stadium). He crossed his arms too.
Peter received a double barrel of what Tony Stark had had a lifetime to build up an immunity too. "Okay, now I feel slightly embarrassed. But the important thing is that I cock-blocked your boss. And that was the evil scheme of the Chameleon! Ha! You all thought I was Spider-Man! Foolish mortals! And now to make my getaway! By running, not by web-swinging, since that is not my preferred mode of travel."
Rhodey watched Spider-Man run for it. "Damn, I hate the Chameleon."
***
Spider-Man web-slung hurriedly away from the scene. His knuckles twinged. Every now and then on a transfer he would brush the fingers of his other hand over the knuckles that had dented Iron Man's faceplate, paining himself all over again. The symbiote had misled him. Gotten him into a stupid fight. He would've thumped his head against a wall if he had time.
"We do make a good team." Black Cat swung by him. "Couldn't have done it without you, Spider."
Diamonds were overflowing from her belt, peeking out of her cleavage, strung around her neck. Spider-Man grabbed hold of her line and hung next to her on their arc. "Give them back."
"Well, since you asked so nicely… no." She detached her grapple-line and grabbed hold of Spider-Man as they fell. Spider-Man shot out a new webline automatically. As they swung, pressed against each other, Peter felt her warmth burning through their clothes to his skin, and the hard edges of the diamonds jabbing into him. "But you do deserve a reward."
Her hand flowed along the curve of his head. His mask pulled back from her touch to expose his skin. He had to will the symbiote not to reveal all of his face. Her hand was shockingly warm; she wasn't wearing a glove. Her fingers tickled the fuzz of his cheek and chin before she kissed him.
It took so long, and yet was over so fast, that Peter found himself swinging back on the same webline when their lips parted. Felicia was still hanging off him.
"You're getting better," Felicia said, opening her eyes to show a pleased look in them. "Bet Mary-Jane never did half so much."
"We did only dance."
Cat leaned back, laughing. Her weight (she was rather top-heavy, clearly) pulled them into a spin.
"And what do you think we're doing?"
Peter felt heat rushing down not only into his groin, but into his muscles to reenergize them like a sugar high, bringing his eyes into microscope-sharp focus and carrying the scent of Felicia's perfume deep up his nose. Okay, the metaphor didn't really bear up for that last part, but he was still tripping hard.
"So, dance partner," she straightened, like a gancho from ballroom tango, "have you got a name or just a set of baby blues?"
Peter blushed. That was about the only thing his mask hid; the eye-shields had totally disappeared. Peter wondered if it had anything to do with 'getting a closer look' at Felicia.
"I'm not sure I'm quite ready for that."
"Only one way to find out. Why don't we start at first base? Middle name, mother's maiden…?" She broke off. "Your goo is sticking to me."
"Oh!" Spider-Man looked down. His symbiote was hooking into the threads of Felicia's costume like Velcro. "That's never happened to me before."
"Don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys… with suits made out of slime… ick."
"Uh, yeah, does your utility belt have some napkins or something?"
"I'm kinda getting into it now… it's like a deep-tissue massage. HEY, HEY, SLIME! SLIME IN NEW PLACES!"
Spider-Man dropped Felicia, who had naturally relaxed her leg-hold on his waist. She dropped until he shot out a webline to catch her. It hit her foot, went taut, and up-ended her so fast that the Maria Stark Diamond popped out of its hiding place between her breasts.
Iron Man caught it. "I'm not all that surprised, but to be honest, I was expecting silicone." He looked up at Black Cat's face. She gave him a wide smile. "You look a little familiar."
Black Cat slapped her forehead. "That's because I'm…"
"The notorious cat burglar, Black Cat!" Spider-Man cut in. "As you can see, I have captured her, and am taking her to the police station. Hey, why don't you do me a solid and take these diamonds back to that baseball thing?" He gave Black Cat a shake and more diamonds fell out for Iron Man to catch.
"Thanks. You wouldn't happen to have seen the Chameleon come by here by any chance, would you?"
"Nope!"
"No!"
"Good. If you see him, tell him I'm looking for him."
"We will do that," Spider-Man assured him. "I mean I. I will do that. Cat won't, because she'll be in prison. I mean, Black Cat won't. The Black Cat will not. Sometimes I call my rogue's gallery by nicknames? It's just a thing I do. Doc Ock instead of Doctor Octopus. You ever do that or is it just me?"
Iron Man stared hard at Spider-Man.
"I hit him really hard on the head," Black Cat said.
Aiding and Abetting
Fandom: Spectacular Spider-Man/Iron Man movieverse
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Any permutation of Peter Parker, Tony Stark, Pepper Potts, and Felicia Hardy that you can name. Except that one.
Word Count: 4,972
Timeline: During the symbiote arc of Spectacular Spider-Man and post-movie Iron Man. Sequel to Don’t Steal My Heart (Take The Diamonds Instead).
Acknowledgments: Beta by
htbthomasSummary: Never invite a cat burglar to a formal soiree. It’s tacky.
Peter didn't even watch Entertainment Tonight. He didn't care about celebrity gossip, whether Lindsey was a lesbian or Kirsten Dunst was in rehab. Gwen had it on for background noise while they studied and the name "Tony Stark" flittered across his hearing. He gave quadratic equations a reprieve and looked at the TV. Maybe it had to do with Iron Man.
Peter's thought process: Stark --> Iron Man --> supervillain --> swing into action.
But it was just a puff piece on the new Yankee Stadium finally having its dugout completed. Tony Stark was taking a break from his Iron work in Symkaria to be the first at bat on the new diamond. "And if anyone could drag our Tony back into a tux, it's heiress Felicia Hardy, fresh from a Caribbean cruise with her BFF Emma Frost…" the anchor lady twitted on as the camera swung from the slightly bruised billionaire to the silver-haired babe on his arm.
Peter gaped. The hair, the motion, the jawline… the cleavage… it was Cat!
"Uck, she is such a skank." Gwen pointed into her open mouth in the universal symbol for 'gag me.' "Stark's twice her age! He could do so much better."
Peter was fixated on the TV. Tony's hands were all over Felicia. Such a beautiful name, Felicia… "She wasn't in the Caribbean, she was stealing from Tombstone," Peter mumbled. His hands curled into fists, as if he were possessively grabbing hold of her. "With me." And now Tony Stark had his arm around her, planted right on the small of her back, where one slip could lead it downward.
We gonna stand for that, Tiger? It was the symbiote. It sounded a little like MJ. You saw her first.
"Peter, are you feeling all right?" Gwen asked.
The symbiote wanted to come out and play. Trying to will it not to come out from under his outerwear was like trying not to bleed.
"I need some air."
***
"They let me keep the ball," Tony said, smugly tossing up the first baseball ever thrown in the new Yankee Stadium for Pepper to see.
They were in the new Monument Park, under the Batter's Eye Restaurant which was providing the free meal. Tony would've found it as stuffy as any other museum, only an obsolete Iron Man glove (damaged while punching the Titanium Man through, oops, the bleachers of the new stadium) was in a display with some famous catcher's mitts. Tony was still slightly worried… not that someone would steal it, but that a thief would set off the proprietary self-destruct. He probably hadn't used enough gunpowder… ah, well, having the only monument capable of making like a Michael Bay movie was pretty cool on its own.
"You think we should start a collection?" he continued. "First football of the Superbowl, first soccer ball of the World Cup. Could be fun."
"You hate soccer."
"We'll skip that."
Pepper rolled her eyes and made room in her purse for the baseball. She was wearing a conservative skirt-suit, having decided that for her, dresses and Tony Stark didn't mix. If only he would get a similar memo and stop wearing James Bond tuxedos. "Where's your date, Felicity?"
"Felicia," Tony corrected with a playful twist to his tongue. He purloined a martini from a passing waiter. "Probably touching up her make-up or something." He shrugged dismissively. "You know how girls are."
Pepper nodded with her customary sardonic sanguineness, slightly more sardonic than usual. "A little."
"Don't be that way. You're different, you're a wo-man." He put the slightest inflection on the last word; what she'd come to associate with his Tony and Pepper, alone on a desert island lines. His voice a little deeper, a little more serious, a little harder to ignore.
"Uh-huh. Would you excuse me?"
"Sure. If you're going to the buffet table, see if they've brought out some more of those little shrimp things."
***
While Pepper was seeing about those little shrimp things, Felicia Hardy had found the door to the showroom unlocked (after picking the lock, of course) and snuck inside for a quick bit of “foreplay.” She looked at herself in her compact. Perfect. Her scarlet lipstick contrasted and flowed with the rest of her body, working in concert with her blush and rouge and beehive hairdo to give her a completely different beauty than her real face (which happened to include a mask). Mostly Madonna, with a deniable level of whore. Like she didn't know where her evening dress was clinging. Thank goddess she hadn't gone with blue lipstick. Emma had her same complexion and she looked like a total hooker when she wore that.
She looked from her reflection to the Maria Stark Diamond, coincidentally cut in the shape of a baseball diamond and scheduled for a public viewing with the rest of the Stark Diamonds later in the evening. Her compact's sensor (she still couldn't get over how Alias that was) had recorded the security system. Motion detectors and closed-circuit cameras. How quaint. She would've expected more from Iron Man.
"Looking for the powder room?"
Felicia snapped her compact shut. It was Pepper Potts, getting territorial. Felicia got into her personal space, taking her hands. It was domineering body language that usually made her target back down, but Pepper just squeezed in total contrast to her PR smile. Showing how much power there was in her small fingers.
"Pep, may I call you Pep?" Felicia gave Pepper's arms a winsome flap. “I'm so glad I got you alone, because someone needs to tell you this. You have a great body… why are you hiding it in that radiation suit?"
She took a step closer to unbutton the top two and bottom two buttons of Pepper's blouse.
"I know what you're thinking. 'I'm going to look like a skank.' It's okay, not all women can pull off skank."
She spun Pepper around, stripping away her jacket.
"And maybe you didn't learn this in community college, but showing your ankles isn't exactly daring anymore. It's not called a striptease because women take off their socks, after all."
She crouched down and ripped a slit in Pepper's thigh up to the waistband.
"And are those penny loafers? Oh, how horrid," she said blankly, a quick break from her rapid-fire patter in the same tone she might've used for learning that a stranger's dog had died of old age. "Here, take my Manolo Blahniks. I'll go barefoot. It's avant-garde."
Still gaping in disbelief, Pepper allowed her feet to be wedged into the high heels. Then she closed her mouth into the classic profile of her set jaw. "I went to Yale," Pepper replied icily. "On a scholarship." Then she smiled, as if they were making small talk. "Where did you go to college?"
"School of hard knocks. Spin."
Pepper felt herself being spun around like a rack of cheap paperbacks.
"Not bad at all, considering time constraints and what I had to work with. The dress, I mean, not you." Felicia licked her finger and pretended to singe it on Pepper's shoulder. "Oh, I think Mr. Stark will definitely be asking you to work nights."
Pepper's eyebrows shot up. Felicia had, in an unknowing moment of feminine camaraderie, slipped into her Black Cat tone. It made the quip sound like a come-on. Which it was, as always.
Pepper thought through what to say in typically quick fashion and settled on "So, are you coming back to the party?"
Felicia clutched Pepper's arm in excitement. "You're right. I have to show off my latest creation."
Pepper was dragged away back in the lobby of Monument Park, wondering what she had gotten herself into.
***
On the New York social scene, Pepper knew precisely no one. In L.A., they were a package deal. Anyone familiar with the Pepper Potts half of Tony and Pepper was worth their time. Tony, being Tony, hadn't thought to introduce her to anyone. But Felicia more than made up for that oversight, glad-handling Pepper with so many debutantes and local celebrities that even her vast memory was taxed by their names. It wouldn't have been that bad – for a crazy person, Felicia made a great hostess – but the heiress kept toying with her hair and holding her, at the hand or at the waist. Pepper suddenly had a vivid idea of what it was like to be Tony Stark arm-candy. Only Tony would never be so handy…
Pepper extricated herself from the offending arm, then said (mock-) apologetically. "Excuse me, I have to get some air."
Felicia raised a provocative eyebrow. "Alone?"
Felicia nodded understandingly, and went to catch up with an old friend.
Pepper found Tony encircled by his adoring public, who were being regaled by an Iron Man tall tale. Pepper dimly recognized it as his fight with the Mandarin, although she didn't remember there being a giant alien dragon.
"So I just look that dragon square in the face and say "Look, I don't care if you were born without genitalia, you're a fifty-foot gecko in purple pants. Who're ya gonna screw, Hillary Clinton?'" Tony, too classy to laugh at his own jokes, remained wryly stone-faced as his audience did it for him.
Pepper added a dry "Ha. Ha." to the chorus before motioning Tony to the privacy of a vintage batting cage. Tony bid his audience adieu and grudgingly allowed Pepper to shepherd him away. A mystery novelist was slugging away inside the cage, so they stood in back of the pitching machine where the sound muffled their conversation.
Tony took the opportunity to sneak some hooch from his hip flask. "What's so important? That redhead was liking it Stark."
"You already have a date."
"Oh, yeah." Tony's face scrunched up like a schoolboy faced with a pop quiz. "Is she pretty?"
Pepper swiped his flask. "I think you've had enough."
"That's theft. Aren’t you only supposed to steal office supplies?”
"Arrest me, superhero." Pepper took a dainty sip, solely to put him at ease. "Speaking of theft…"
"You look great, by the way." Tony did his art critic act, tapping his pinky against his chin, then leveling said digit at her. "Did you do something with your hair?"
At the mention of her 'makeover,' Pepper's growl and blush canceled each other out. "I think Felicia… your date," she added to stymie Tony's confusion, "is casing your jewels."
"That's why I have a condom in my wallet. Two if she's roadside."
"No, I mean the family… diamonds." Pepper rolled her eyes on herself. "Did you know she's been in every city where the Black Cat has committed a robbery?"
"So you're saying there's a chance that at night, she dresses up in black leather and…"
"I see where you're going with this," Pepper interrupted, arms crossed into their usual defensive stance against her boss's libido. "And before you even start, I'm not jealous."
"Never said you were."
"And I am not protesting too much."
"Good to know."
Pepper took a much larger swig from Tony's flask.
"If it makes you feel any better, I promise to keep a close eye on her. Two, even."
Pepper tried for another swig, but the bottle was empty. Smarting with shame, she handed it back to Tony.
"Thirsty? You can have my drink." Felicia appeared at their side out of nowhere to press a drink into Pepper's hand. It was done with the same firm grace that had already introduced her to a dozen and a half corporate titans with no idea who she was. "Tony, I took the liberty of getting you a vodka martini on the rocks."
Tony stroked her hand as he took the drink. "You should take more liberties with me."
Pepper would've made a break for it then, but Felicia wound an arm around her and Tony, practically cinching them together.
"Oh, I can just tell we're going to be the very best of friends."
***
Spider-Man swung on symbiotic autopilot through New York. He was too angry for acrobatics or a clever internal monologue or to remember that he wanted to go to the new Yankee Stadium, not the old one. That just made him madder. It was all Tony Stark's fault.
At long last, and surrounded by a halo of mumbled curses, Spider-Man found the party. He threw open a window with his feet as he swung in. The strong breeze he let in further dramatized his entrance.
He landed in the rafters, one arm and leg bared threateningly. "Tony Stark!"
The sea of tuxedos and evening dresses subtly, unconsciously parted around the wall-crawler's target. "No, I'm his evil twin brother, Tommy Stark. I think you may have the wrong gala."
Tony was a head taller than Peter, so when Spider-Man jumped down he shot a webline back up to dangle him right in Tony's face. "I'm tired of you getting all the glory for wearing a billion dollar tank. Anyone could be a hero in that thing."
"Fashion envy from a fellow superhero?" Tony tsk-tsked. "I don't get it. The all-black look… the white spider… classy in a Hot Topic sort of way. If you were a goth chick, I'd…"
Spider-Man grabbed him by the hair and shoved him down to his knees. "I know exactly what you'd do, you disgusting chauvinist!"
"I was going to say compose angsty poetry, before you went all feminist on me."
Spider-Man let him up. Then the wall-crawler stripped off his glove and slapped Tony across the face with it. "Ma chère, I challenge you to a duel!"
"Ma chère is French for woman, you idiot!"
"Oh, I'm well-aware of that."
Tony slowly rubbed his jaw. Pepper took his right arm – "Tony, don't do anything stupid." – as Felicia took his left arm – "He's just a dumb kid, come on…"
"Mind if I cut in?" Then Spider-Man shot out a webline that snagged Felicia's dress. He yanked her over his shoulder and started ascending back up his webline.
Felicia flailed her fists on Spider-Man's back as she was pulled up into the darkness of the rafters. "Tooooony! He got his goop on my dress! Kick his ass!"
Tony slowly took off his jacket, although it was more for effect than actually having anything under it. "Okay, I like to consider myself a reasonable person, intelligent and patient. That's why I built a killer robot suit for dealing with pests like you. Just give me half-an-hour to go and get it—"
"Take your time." Peter was very much liking having Felicia Hardy in hand.
"Set me down, jerk!"
He did. This high up, they were out of earshot and even mostly hidden from sight. It was a good thing, too, as anyone watching would've been a mite suspicious with how easily Felicia balanced on the ceiling beam.
"What's with the damsel in distress routine? You wouldn't happen to have a slightly evil twin, perchance?"
"It's called a secret identity, jackass. Thanks for nearly blowing it!"
"Uh-huh." Spider-Man jerked a thumb down toward Tony Stark, who was on his cell-phone. "What part of your cover is that?"
"Beard?" Felicia spoke teasingly thoughtful, a small smile perching on her lips. "It's good to see you again."
"Oh, uh…" Peter blushed under his mask "Thankee."
"This whole alpha male act of yours is actually a little cute. And putting away all of the Sinister Six?" She fanned herself, then leaned in closer to him. Peter bent back at the ankles to give her space. "What do you do for an encore?"
"Well, I, uh, uhhhh… hadn't actually thought that far ahead. Hey, stop that!"
Felicia paused in her crawl across Peter's body. "Stop what?"
"You know what! You're all about the teasing, but then we going somewhere with the cheesing, and you bugged out to a yacht with Emma Frost. Not that I blame you, she's a looker, but what happened to 'let's go on a date somewhere they don't mind wearing masks'? I liked that plan, that was a good plan."
Felicia ran a hand through her hair, now backing off Spider-Man. She straightened her dress a little. "I'm not a real fan of commitment. I don't get why we have to make a big deal of it," she said, downcast. She toyed with her shoulder strap, smiling again. "We can be… friends, without having to be exclusive."
Spider-Man sat back against the rafter. "Why do women keep saying that to me? First Mary-Jane, now you…"
"Who the hell is Mary-Jane!?"
***
Tony made a mental note to transform his gawking expression into a square-chinned "heroic determination" look. It just read better. A second or two after Spider-Man and his date had disappeared into the shadows, he jerked his cell-phone out and hit speed-dial. After a few moments, Rhodes picked up.
"Hey, Rhodey? It's me. No, Tony. I need a favor, where are you? Okay, screw that, I need you to go to my apartment and bring me my portable Iron Man armor. There's this set of suitcases, they have this cool logo by the handle... Take the pick-up, you'll need the space… no, no, it's not going AWOL. Just… excuse yourself. High school students can excuse themselves. Tell them you need to use the can. Come on! All right, tell them it's for America's safety. Well, no, but it might be in the future. It sets a good precedent. He kidnapped my date. Yes, I know her name, it's…"
Pepper mouthed 'Felicia.'
"—Felicia. Okay, good. And could you pick up a Slurpee or something on the way here, all they have is this mildly ticklish fruit punch… hello?" Tony put away his cell-phone. "He's on his way. Pepper, with me."
With that, he determinedly strode out of the room, while the eavesdroppers stood around to watch Spider-Man and Felicia sitting in the rafters. Their legs were dangling into the light from where they sat side by side, swaying a little.
Outside, Tony stopped and sat on the curb. "This is going to be boring."
Pepper stood by him. "You could just go to your hotel yourself."
"I took a limo. I told him he could come back in three hours. What do you want me to do, hail a cab?"
Pepper raised her hand. "TAXI!"
***
The cab and pick-up truck pulled to a stop in an empty parking lot. Rhodes confidently swung out the door like a truck commercial hero. Tony reeled out of the taxi, briefly going down on all fours before getting up and brushing himself off. Pepper followed after apologetically paying the cabbie.
"People actually ride in those things!?" Tony demanded as he tried to shake himself loose of the smell. "Because I just got the impression that it was some kind of intimidation thing, like a pillory in a medieval town." He noticed Rhodey, though his train of thought continued to be an express. "Rhodey, you remember that sick yak in Tibet? It smells exactly like that. It's actually kind of intriguing, scientifically speaking. You should take a whiff."
"I'll pass. Your armor's in the back."
"Cool." Tony was already pulling off his tuxedo to unlimber the skinsuit underneath. "Anyone wanna stick a dollar in my garter, make me feel special? College doesn't pay for itself, you know." He kicked off his dress shoes and pulled on the jet boots.
Pepper and Rhodey exchanged long-suffering looks, then Pepper made a chopping gesture at the colonel. Translation: Your turn.
Rhodey forced himself to lean against the pick-up casually. "Tony, are you really sure you want to put a suit of two billion dollar armor on just so you can settle a feud?"
Tony waved at his ear like there was a fly near it with an already-gloved hand. "It's no different than drag-racing the jerk who cut me off in traffic."
"That's how you totaled the Aston-Martin."
"And now I have an Audi." Tony slipped on the chestplate. "See how fortune favors the bold?" He pulled on his helmet and the red boots, gloves, and chestplate unleashed a liquid swarm of nanobots that quickly constructed the flexible golden armor connecting them. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a spider to squash. If you need me, I'll be grabbing the world's biggest newspaper."
He flew off with a dramatic flare of his repulsors. Pepper and Rhodey watched him disappear into the night sky, just another star after 2.5 seconds.
"You need a ride back?" Rhodey asked.
"Do we have to listen to country music?"
"Yes."
"Can I ride in the back?"
"No."
***
"Seriously, she's just this girl I know who I took to the Spring Formal."
"Uh-huh." Felicia crossed her arms. "And what's the Spring Formal?"
"It's this dance. Obviously. It was before I even met you."
"So, are you still seeing her?"
"Of course I'm still seeing her, we're friends, she goes to my school!"
"But you're not exclusive."
"No."
"So she just lets you run around with whoever you like while she runs around with whoever she likes? What a slut."
Spider-Man was about to launch into a very well-thought-out dismantling of Felicia's jealousy when a repulsor ray kicked him in the back, pinged him against a pylon, and let gravity drop him to the buffet table. Iron Man hovered down to a still-jealous Felicia. His faceplate opened. "Kiss for luck?" Tony asked.
Felicia gave him one and two and three, eyes open to make sure Peter was watching.
Spider-Man leapt to his feet, stepping in the egg salad. He shook his foot off. "Hitting a man when his back is turned. Just about what I'd expect from you."
Iron Man lead-weighted down to the ground in a crouch. "Yeah, I've had three martinis, so I'm really not in the best headspace for all the witty back-and-forth. So would it be okay if I just kick your ass?"
"That sounds really weird when you have your Darth Vader voice on. Say 'rubber baby bumper rumper room.' C'mon, it'll be funny."
"You know what else is funny?" Iron Man fired another repulsor ray. This time, Peter was listening to his spider-sense. He dodged out of the way. The repulsor hit the north end of the table and catapulted its contents into the air. The audience was splattered like the first three rows of a Gallagher show. "Sorry, folks."
Spider-Man jumped onto a pillar alongside him. "Relax, it's probably a great exfoliant. Just like this." As per tradition, he gave Iron Man a faceful of web. Tony ripped off the webbing and a coat of paint to see a dark fist cleared for landing. It sent him somersaulting back, but he recovered in time to see Spider-Man flailing his hand in pain.
"Too bad you're not wearing state-of-the-art armor," Tony mocked, before one of his helmet's glowing eyepieces shorted out. He conked the side of his head to get it working again. He was invincible! The Invincible Iron Man… catchy. Note to self: Call marketing division. "Face it, Spider-Man, you're strictly small-time, while I'm the cream of the crop."
Spidey shot out a webline that blotched harmlessly on Iron Man's ankle. "I like my cream whipped!" With that, he threw Iron Man around by the webline, cratering the floor and walls and ceiling before pitching him out the window. "And stay out!" He roared.
The entire crowd listened to the slide-whistle of Iron Man's descent. With a collective wince, they heard glass smash and a car alarm go off. And a cat yowl. And chimpanzee noises.
Spider-Man scratched his head. "Maybe next time I should aim around the sound effects factory."
A trumpet wailed mournfully: Wah-wah-wah-wahhhhhhhhhhhhh…
Victorious, Spider-Man slid down on webline to hang by Pepper Potts. "Pretty slick, huh?" Spider-Man pretended to buff his nails against his shirt. "That is how winners win. So, Red, what's your sign? Slippery when wet or dangerous curves ahead?"
Pepper invented an entirely new brand of disapprovingly crossed arms. "You should be ashamed of yourself. Everyone was having a good time and then you came and started trouble for no good reason."
"A-ha, that's where you're wrong. Because I preserved a young lady's virtue here today."
"Help! The Stark Diamonds have been stolen!"
Spider-Man took a long look at the woman who had just burst out of the showroom, daring her to admit it was a bad joke, then looked sheepishly to Pepper. She nudged Rhodey, who had just run in with the panting expression of someone about to ask 'What'd I miss?' (parking was a bitch at the new Yankee Stadium). He crossed his arms too.
Peter received a double barrel of what Tony Stark had had a lifetime to build up an immunity too. "Okay, now I feel slightly embarrassed. But the important thing is that I cock-blocked your boss. And that was the evil scheme of the Chameleon! Ha! You all thought I was Spider-Man! Foolish mortals! And now to make my getaway! By running, not by web-swinging, since that is not my preferred mode of travel."
Rhodey watched Spider-Man run for it. "Damn, I hate the Chameleon."
***
Spider-Man web-slung hurriedly away from the scene. His knuckles twinged. Every now and then on a transfer he would brush the fingers of his other hand over the knuckles that had dented Iron Man's faceplate, paining himself all over again. The symbiote had misled him. Gotten him into a stupid fight. He would've thumped his head against a wall if he had time.
"We do make a good team." Black Cat swung by him. "Couldn't have done it without you, Spider."
Diamonds were overflowing from her belt, peeking out of her cleavage, strung around her neck. Spider-Man grabbed hold of her line and hung next to her on their arc. "Give them back."
"Well, since you asked so nicely… no." She detached her grapple-line and grabbed hold of Spider-Man as they fell. Spider-Man shot out a new webline automatically. As they swung, pressed against each other, Peter felt her warmth burning through their clothes to his skin, and the hard edges of the diamonds jabbing into him. "But you do deserve a reward."
Her hand flowed along the curve of his head. His mask pulled back from her touch to expose his skin. He had to will the symbiote not to reveal all of his face. Her hand was shockingly warm; she wasn't wearing a glove. Her fingers tickled the fuzz of his cheek and chin before she kissed him.
It took so long, and yet was over so fast, that Peter found himself swinging back on the same webline when their lips parted. Felicia was still hanging off him.
"You're getting better," Felicia said, opening her eyes to show a pleased look in them. "Bet Mary-Jane never did half so much."
"We did only dance."
Cat leaned back, laughing. Her weight (she was rather top-heavy, clearly) pulled them into a spin.
"And what do you think we're doing?"
Peter felt heat rushing down not only into his groin, but into his muscles to reenergize them like a sugar high, bringing his eyes into microscope-sharp focus and carrying the scent of Felicia's perfume deep up his nose. Okay, the metaphor didn't really bear up for that last part, but he was still tripping hard.
"So, dance partner," she straightened, like a gancho from ballroom tango, "have you got a name or just a set of baby blues?"
Peter blushed. That was about the only thing his mask hid; the eye-shields had totally disappeared. Peter wondered if it had anything to do with 'getting a closer look' at Felicia.
"I'm not sure I'm quite ready for that."
"Only one way to find out. Why don't we start at first base? Middle name, mother's maiden…?" She broke off. "Your goo is sticking to me."
"Oh!" Spider-Man looked down. His symbiote was hooking into the threads of Felicia's costume like Velcro. "That's never happened to me before."
"Don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys… with suits made out of slime… ick."
"Uh, yeah, does your utility belt have some napkins or something?"
"I'm kinda getting into it now… it's like a deep-tissue massage. HEY, HEY, SLIME! SLIME IN NEW PLACES!"
Spider-Man dropped Felicia, who had naturally relaxed her leg-hold on his waist. She dropped until he shot out a webline to catch her. It hit her foot, went taut, and up-ended her so fast that the Maria Stark Diamond popped out of its hiding place between her breasts.
Iron Man caught it. "I'm not all that surprised, but to be honest, I was expecting silicone." He looked up at Black Cat's face. She gave him a wide smile. "You look a little familiar."
Black Cat slapped her forehead. "That's because I'm…"
"The notorious cat burglar, Black Cat!" Spider-Man cut in. "As you can see, I have captured her, and am taking her to the police station. Hey, why don't you do me a solid and take these diamonds back to that baseball thing?" He gave Black Cat a shake and more diamonds fell out for Iron Man to catch.
"Thanks. You wouldn't happen to have seen the Chameleon come by here by any chance, would you?"
"Nope!"
"No!"
"Good. If you see him, tell him I'm looking for him."
"We will do that," Spider-Man assured him. "I mean I. I will do that. Cat won't, because she'll be in prison. I mean, Black Cat won't. The Black Cat will not. Sometimes I call my rogue's gallery by nicknames? It's just a thing I do. Doc Ock instead of Doctor Octopus. You ever do that or is it just me?"
Iron Man stared hard at Spider-Man.
"I hit him really hard on the head," Black Cat said.
Aiding and Abetting
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 03:46 pm (UTC)It's useful having a shape-shifting nemesis to blame things on.
Hilarious!
no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 05:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 07:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-16 04:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 10:02 pm (UTC)"Damn, I hate the Chameleon."
And I hate time travel!
no subject
Date: 2008-06-16 04:44 pm (UTC)It's the perfect fanon detail. I'm counting the seconds until there's fic of Dean Winchester and Tony Stark drag-racing their Impalas and Audis.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 11:30 pm (UTC)Of course, everyone has pointed out the Chameleon thing. Nice.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-16 04:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-15 11:35 pm (UTC)Awesome. <3
no subject
Date: 2008-06-16 11:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-16 08:56 pm (UTC)LOL! Too funny! =)
no subject
Date: 2008-06-28 04:44 pm (UTC)Having Tony Stark in this one was nice and along with Pepper and Rhodey too. Loved the bantering between all the characters. It was suprising on how quickly Peter figured out that Felicia was the Black Cat. And boy was he jealous seeing her with Tony.
The Pepper and Felicia scene was great.
Probably my favourite part was the fight between Spider-Man and Iron Man. The symbiote really gave Spidey an edge but he still hurt his hand will punching IM in the faceplate.
Of course, this was all set up for Felicia to still the diamonds. In the end, she wound up giving them back. Cat really hated to see that happen but it was a good way to stay out of jail.
The ending was great, especially Cat's last line. Priceless.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-14 06:12 pm (UTC)