LotS fic: Emotion is the glove into which pain slips its hand (3/3)

[seriousfic]

Hey folks. Just pausing to let you know that mayireadtoday actually made a fanvid to this fic called Cara/Kahlan Is Impossible. Go watch the sad-making. Now I just need someone to send me a free laptop and I'll be a BNF!

Also, betas, I added a bit of closure to the back-end of the fic which you may be interested in. General audience, I didn't get that last bit betaed, so don't blame them for the Freudian slips.

Title: Emotion is the glove into which pain slips its hand
Fandom: Legend of the Seeker
Rating: R
Word Count: 3,300
Characters/Pairings: Cara/Kahlan, Richard/Kahlan
Author’s notes: Betaed by the lovely, talented duo of ivanolix and susurrusnight
Previous: Part 2
Next: We're a long way from home and home is a long way from us
Summary: Cara finds peace.



As they walked back to camp, Cara kept her hand at the small of Nans' back, straightening her and occasionally traveling over the welts, reminding them both of how they'd been earned. "Soak a cloth with apple cider and rub it on your back," Cara said just before they emerged from the woods. "So they won't scar."

"Thank you, mistress."

"Call me Cara," she replied easily.

"Can we do this again?" Nans asked. "Cara?"

"Unless someone better comes along."

Nans smiled. She thought Cara meant for her.

As promised, Kahlan was sitting by one of the guard fires. None of the other sellswords were there. So, they were afraid of the Mother Confessor. It cheered Cara somewhat, that they were both demons in someone's eyes.

She sent Nans on her way with a firm slap on her rump and sat down beside Kahlan, hands on her knees. Kahlan looked at her, as if she were checking to make sure Cara was totally dressed now, and removed one last twig from her hair.

Cara looked at her sidelong. "I haven't traumatized you, have I?"

"Doubtful." Kahlan prodded the fire with a stick. It rustled appeasingly. "I can't get to sleep."

Cara looked over at Richard's wagon. It was still locked up tight.

"Can I ask you something?"

Kahlan put the stick down and faced Cara. "Anything."

Cara paused before asking, considering her words longer than usual. She couldn't be misunderstood here. She couldn't be vulgar. "If a while ago, if it'd been possible for you to be with someone… but it couldn't be Richard… would you be with him?"

Kahlan thought about it. Cara watched her brow furrow. It had to be hard, to be that beautiful, have that much stamina, and not be able to share it. Especially with Richard there, looking the way he did, romancing her the way he did, seducing her every time he saved a life or made a friend. Would it be so bad to have an emotional relationship with Richard and leave the physical to others, people less worthy, people who couldn't be despoiled by a touch?

"No," Kahlan said at last. "I think I would rather be Richard's, completely and totally, then split between him and someone I don't care about."

Cara felt her Agiels brush against her hips as she shifted. The sting was acute. She wanted to be cruel to Kahlan, to snarl at her like she once had. To tell her that sharing would give her more love, not less. But she was a Mord'Sith, and what'd passed between her and her sisters hadn't been love.

So instead she just said "You and I don't have a lot in common."

"We have the important things," Kahlan said, her arm outstretched to wrap around Cara's shoulders. Sheltering her as usual. "Richard…"

Cara jerked away from Kahlan's arm like it was a flame, standing, looking down at Kahlan. "Sometimes I really wish we could have one conversation without talking about Richard."

"If he dies, I promise not to bring him up!" Kahlan snapped, and instantly turned her head, regretting it, biting her tongue like she was trying to punish it.

Cara fell to her knees before her, hurriedly gathering Kahlan's limbs up in something like an embrace. "Forgive me."

"No, I'm sorry. I just got him. This was supposed to be our happy ending. Like a fairy tale…"

"I know," Cara said, and kissed Kahlan.

It was brief and transitory, Cara not even knowing she had done it for a second. It was almost as if Kahlan had kissed her instead. They parted and Cara kissed her again, her mind working faster. She needed to savor this, to capture a memory before Kahlan recoiled, as disgusted with her as she was with herself. But Kahlan didn't push her away. The kiss deepened and Cara ripped her glove free of her leathers, the laces tearing free of the eyelets, so she could stroke Kahlan's hair with bare skin.

"I…" Cara couldn't speak. What was there to say, when she was touching Kahlan like a lover, kissing her like a common whore. "I will comfort you. Mother Confessor."

Kahlan said nothing. She sat there, pressing together her kiss-bruised lips, staring at Cara with eyes that would have to be pitch black to be harder to read. Cara wiped the tears from her eyes with her bare hand, felt the moisture sink into her fingertips. Like poison, in a way.

Cara kissed her again. Kahlan moaned into her mouth, and somehow her arms wrapped around Cara.

"I don't like it when you're sad," Cara said, her forehead pressed against Kahlan's. "It makes me sad. I don't know why."

"Cara…" Kahlan said. She was crying again.

Cara kissed her, the third time, maybe the fourth. It was hard to tell. Like they'd been approaching each other for weeks, months, and only now had their lips met, and everything in that moment would have that breathless excitement.

"Cara… stop."

Cara did. She didn't jerk back, or push Kahlan aside, or kiss her again regardless. She knelt there, motionless, as Kahlan drew back.

"I love Richard," Kahlan said.

Cara kept carefully still. Like there was a ravenous beast that would fall upon her if she moved. "You think I don't know that?" She shook her head. Pain brought clarity. It always did. "I was just trying to help. That's all."

"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let you… I shouldn't have let myself… by the Spirits, Cara, I could kill you. Without the protection of love, my magic would destroy you."

It didn't sound like a bad deal to Cara, just then. "I can handle you, Confessor. I always could."

Kahlan smiled a little. "Thank you. For trying. You're a very good kisser."

Shut up shut up shut up. "Thank you." Cara stood. "If I'm not going to have sex, I'd better get some sleep. It'll take my full attention to keep these idiots from riding off a cliff tomorrow."

"Pleasant dreams," Kahlan said as Cara fled, as naturally as she could.

She didn't go to sleep. She spent the night fitting a new glove onto her leathers, breaking it in by curling and uncurling her fist until it felt like her very skin.

***

Scouting out their route the next day, miles ahead of the other scouts to keep from their hateful attempts at conversation, or their more hateful silences, Cara saw a strange rock formation on the side of the road. She dismounted and cleared it of vines and sheets of moss. It was a roadside shrine, a statue of the Creator. It didn't look anything like Maia.

Travelers were supposed to leave offerings at it. The next caravan would take the offering and leave their own. So if someone had clothes to spare but needed food, the Creator would provide. Cara sneered at the whole concept and went back to her horse.

Then she stopped. She took her foot out of its stirrup and walked back to the statue. Then she punched it as hard as she could. Ignoring the singing pain in her knuckles, she circled the statue.

"Richard tells me that the things I did as a Mord'Sith weren't my fault. That's what they all say. If that's so, why are you punishing me? I never wanted to feel these things, especially not for Kahlan! She's self-righteous and condescending and completely obsessed with Richard! Well, whatever your plan for me is, it's not working. I hate her."

Her eyes felt hot and cloudy. Tears. So that's what they were like. Cara strode back to her horse and tried to mount it, but her feet wouldn't obey her. She ended up with her arms around its neck, her face buried in its mane. The horse neighed and licked her face. Cara pushed it off and then stood there for a moment, petting it. It probably just wanted to taste the salt of her tears. She went back to the shrine.

"I don't know how this works, but if you don't take Richard away from Kahlan, I'd consider us even."

She left her ruined glove.

***

She rode back, wondering if Kahlan would be waiting to hear her report. She'd slipped out before Kahlan had awoken. Or maybe Kahlan was awake, but nestled inside a wagon, listening to Richard's dying words. Cara wanted to be a stone.

But she didn't meet the other scouts, and the caravan wasn't where it was supposed to be. Cara rode faster.

When she saw the caravan, Cara breathed sharply. Sorcery. One of the wagons was thirty feet in the air, spinning fast like the Creator was dangling it from a twisted string unwinding. From the stenciled spells covering it, Zedd's. Cara dug her heels into the horse's flanks and rode. She knocked down the guards when they didn't stand aside fast enough, jumped a little girl, and finally clattered to a stop beside Kahlan. She dismounted and had her Agiels out before her boots touched down. Kahlan looked at her. Tears of happiness.

"Cara," she said, "it's Richard."

The wagon came down, its spin slowing until it did a half-turn against the ground and stopped. Richard stepped out, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I think I'm getting the hang of this magic business," he said.

Kahlan threw her arms around him and they kissed for the requisite amount of time. Zedd got out of the wagon as well, but looked green, and Cara rolled her eyes as he ran off to vomit.

Richard and Kahlan stopped procreating and looked around, although they still cuddled like baby birds. "Cara. It's amazing. I can see the magic of your Agiels!"

"What's it look like?"

"…red."

Cara nodded tightly. "I'm glad you're alright. Kahlan would've missed you."

Richard beamed at her like a little kid and Kahlan beamed at her like a proud parent. "I have to show you something," he said to the Mother Confessor, and with his arm linked in hers, he started to lead her away.

Cara grabbed Richard's arm. He turned. "And I would've missed you," she said.

"Thank you, Cara." He slapped her heartily on the shoulder. "How's the arm, by the way?"

"It doesn't hurt anymore."

***

The next morning, Richard pointed out the Ven Mountains, a mountain range that ran through the Boundary. "We're close," he said. The four detached from the rest of the caravan, who were taking a hard left to Amphil.

A few hours of riding later, they saw the mountains continue unbroken into the horizon, far past the Westland landmarks that Richard had grown up with. The sky was so blue it was like the color green had never been invented. "The Boundary's gone," Richard said. He brought his horse around to face Zedd. "What does that mean?"

Cara cut short the wizard's theorizing. "Trouble."

***

Of course, they couldn't leave it at that, so Zedd talked at length, Richard looking confused or concerned as the conversation required. Cara dismounted and led her horse to a nearby brook. She fed it a sugar cube too, in case it hadn't just wanted to lick her tears.

The horse drank and Cara stood there, watching the water ripple with sunlight. She wanted to be alone.

Kahlan, as usual, had no care for her wishes.

Cara saw her first in the water and didn't turn as Kahlan got closer, until they were standing together. Kahlan was leading the other horses to water. Typical.

"I'm sorry if I forgot you for a little while there," she said. "It's just Richard… in all the excitement…"

"I understand. The Lord Rahl needs a heir and your child-bearing years will end soon," Cara needled.

Kahlan's face contorted, trying to decide if she was offended or not. Cara took it out of her hands.

"Why aren't you up there, finding out exactly how we're all going to die this time?"

"Oh, whenever Zedd starts spouting off about powerful magic, I just zone out and think about what dress I'm going to wear at my wedding," Kahlan joked.

"I always suspected."

Kahlan sat down, pulling her boots off and resting her feet in the rolling waters. One of the horses nipped at her toes and she gave it a playful kick. Cara stood beside her like a shadow.

"We need to talk," Kahlan said when Cara's silence proved inexorable.

"What's to talk about?" Cara asked, her hands clasped behind her back, her tone challenging in its subservience. "I wanted to serve the Lord Rahl by caring for you. That's all it was."

Kahlan looked up at her. "We should still talk about it. I know you, Cara. You never do anything you don't want to do, not anymore."

Cara felt a burst of anger. Not a Mord'Sith's anger, cold and useful. This was big and unwieldy and ugly. All she did was things she didn't want to do. Look but not touch, fight but not win, hate but not hurt. "You're wrong… you don't know me at all. And you won't, because I'm a woman of blades and pain and blood, and all you do is talk!"

Kahlan stood. She was ridiculous, her wet feet traipsing in the grass. "I talk?"

"Yes! That's all you ever do! But I'm not surprised, it's worked out so well for you. All you had to do was wait and Richard found his way into your arms."

Kahlan's hands were on her hips. Cara wished they were on her daggers. At least that language she spoke. "You have no idea how hard it was, having to see him everyday, but never able to be with him--"

Cara thought she would kiss Kahlan. Or maybe that Kahlan would think it was an attack, push her away. But Kahlan just stood there as Cara wrapped arms around her, pulling her tight, holding her like a child clinging to a stuffed animal. She was warm and sweet-smelling and after a moment of Cara's chin digging into her shoulder, she embraced Cara in turn. "Oh, Cara…" she said delicately.

"I have every idea. Had…" Cara broke off from her. "I wanted to do that." She mounted her horse, jerking it away from the stream. "Don't follow me."

***

Cara didn't know how far she was going to ride. She didn't have a plan. She was leaving the Lord Rahl unprotected. But it felt so good to have Kahlan at her back, smaller and smaller.

Then she saw the figure stumbling out of the woods and onto the grasslands, looking exactly like the kind of wretch Kahlan would give a waterskin and a hug to. Cara spurred the horse faster.

She'd been a wretch once.

Cara circled around and pulled up to the figure. It was a woman, but everything else about her was hidden by the cloak she wore.

With her arm healed, Cara could draw her bow easily. "State your business."

"Cara?" Nans pulled back her hood. "It's me."

***

She was thirsty. Keeping up on foot with horsemen, even when they were going at a trot… it was no wonder.

Cara let Nans drink from her canteen, saw her relish it. "What are you doing out here? I thought you were going to Amphil."

"You were leaving."

Cara rolled her eyes. "Be very specific about your plan."

"I'm coming with you!" Nans must have felt the derision coming off Cara, because the Mord'Sith kept her mouth carefully shut. "I know I can't fight like you can, but I can tend to your horse and bring you food and anything you need, I'll do it…"

"Nans," Cara interrupted. "You have a scholarship. The University of Amphil is prestigious. Why would you want to give that up?"

Nans blinked. "Because I love you. I know what you're going to say, that I'm too young to know what love is, that I'm not really in love…"

"No. I believe you. But you're old enough to know it doesn't matter." Cara looked at her. Forced herself to watch the tears begin. "Love doesn't conquer all. Love doesn't fix people. Love cuts. Sometimes it's like a surgeon, cutting out the dead parts of you. But more often, it just cuts."

"Then you don't love me?" Nans asked, her voice still trembling with one last clinging hope.

"I don't love anyone. I can't. Nothing personal."

Nans got up. Turned. Her shoulders shook. She started walking back. She was surprised when she felt Cara's hand on her shoulder.

The Mord'Sith pulled her close, petting her hair as she wept, whispering in her ear "Someday there'll be someone. She'll look at you and feel all the things you feel about me. And she'll feel the same way. She'll be lovely and smart and she'll even like doing those things to you," Cara ran a finger over her face, soothing, teasing, "just as much as I did." She let Nans go. "But it might take a while."

***

Kahlan caught up with Cara at the edges of the woods. Cara was still standing there, staring at the brush that Nans had disappeared into. Her horse was resting its head on her shoulder.

"I was worried," Kahlan said, explanation, apology, love letter.

Cara didn't turn. "I love you."

Kahlan got closer. Warily.

"When Nicci took me, she made me dream a perfect life. Gave me… something I didn't know I wanted. I wasn't a Mord'Sith. You weren't a Confessor. We were together…"

"You don't want to be a Mord'Sith?"

Cara shook her head. "I am a Mord'Sith. The next dream I had was of us both in the leather, serving Richard. But whenever I was happy, I was with you." She looked. Kahlan's eyes were downcast, her lips a thin line.

"Why me?"

"Isn't it obvious? All those years of doing my duty, of hurting people, of being hurt. Then you come along and you're kind to me. You care for me. You protect me." Cara pulled herself closer. "You're beautiful. You fight like a Screeling, not just in battle, but for anything you care about. Or anyone. You're there for me. No one's ever there for me. So I love you." Cara bit her lip. Folded her hands together like she was squelching something within them. "But you don't love me."

"I do. Not like that, but I do."

"I know. That's enough."

Cara got back on her horse. It was time to go back.

Kahlan put her hand on Cara's boot, giving her pause. "I'm sorry. If I led you on. If I hurt you."

Cara shook her head. After all this time with Kahlan, she could still be confused. "You saved me."

Kahlan smiled at her. It was a nice smile. Cara liked seeing it, even if it wasn't always for her.

Then she heard the horsemen ripping out of the brush.

"Behind me," Cara said, drawing her bow.

"Like hell," Kahlan said, holding her throwing knives by the blade.

The red made it obvious that the riders were Mord'Sith. But as they got closer, Cara recognized many from her temple. Berdine, with Raina riding close by as usual. Rikka. Hally. And in the lead, a collapsible poleax in hand but not extended, Triana.

"Mistress Cara," she said in greeting.

Cara kept the bowstring taut, but didn't loose. Following her lead, Kahlan spun her daggers to keep her grip fresh.

"Triana," Cara replied. "What do you want?"

"The same thing I've always wanted. To serve the Lord Rahl." Triana dismounted, as did her sisters. Then they knelt on one knee, exposing their necks to any collar that might be placed on them. The deepest respect a Mord'Sith could pay. "Mistress Cara, command us. Show us how to best serve Richard Rahl."

Comments

[so-wicked.livejournal.com]

Okay, so this series is A+. And I'd like to see it renewed for another season, please. Because, clearly, there's more stuff to be said. I mean, clearly.

[xxmadlaxx.livejournal.com]

I agree with so_wicked! There's GOT to be more to be said about it.

Or maybe you just want to torture Cara and kill us all of frustration - that is, if Kim Harrison doesn't do it first... oh well...

And is it just me or... it feels like Cara is settling?

Cara doesn't settle. HUMPF.

Okay, love might change people, might have even touched Cara, but...

HUMPF... now I want Kahlan to die of frustration really. I want Kahlan to want Cara and for it to hurt. Bad.

I'm in a mean mood apparently.

[frogfrizz.livejournal.com]

Very bittersweet. Thanks so very much for sharing your interpretation of C/K. 'Twas love. I hope to see more of this. All those Mord'Sith riding in to serve the Lord Rahl, so many possibilities!

[seriousfic.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Yeah, I love the idea that, now that Cara's kinda evolved past her Mord'Sith persona and started wanting more than just sex sex sex, she gets her old wish and is back in charge of the Mord'Sith. It's going to be like an alcoholic tending bar.

[mayireadtoday.livejournal.com]

Very cute: "Oh, whenever Zedd starts spouting off about powerful magic, I just zone out and think about what dress I'm going to wear at my wedding," Kahlan joked.

"I always suspected."

I love Cara's parting words to Nans.

Poor Cara. She finally acknowledges her FEELINGS and it does no good because Kahlan doesn't love her "like that."

[ein-myria.livejournal.com]

You do angst and bittersweet so well! Many thanks for sharing this with us!

[dark-kurai.livejournal.com]

Bu...but... that's not it, right? I mean, there's still more... right? Right?
This is so addicting. I feel so sorry for Cara... she's not going to get her happy ending? ;_; Maybe she should've stayed in the dreamworld *sniff*
I love feelings!Cara though :]

[green78.livejournal.com]

*sobs bitterly* Caaaarraaaaaaaa... God, that must have been so hard to admit for her...

[ivanolix.livejournal.com]

Wow, that was an awesome ending. I love how Cara/Nans turned out, and Cara admitting that she loves Kahlan, and then the Mord'Sith coming back in the end. Fantastic! So does that mean that Cara will get a Mord'Sith girlfriend in the next book?

[ladyvictory.livejournal.com]

Edge of my seat, here, m'dear!

[(Anonymous)]

I'm really enjoying this. Personally, I don't really care for the fan speculation about Kahlan and Cara because I think it spoils there friendship and it's not really in the show, at least not to me. But you're making me a convert for Cara possibly feeling that way toward Kahlan. This is very realistic, imo, and very well written. I just feel so bad for Cara, and I hope she finds someone to love who loves her back. The subplot of Richard learning magic is interesting too.

Crystal

[rinleonhart.livejournal.com]

That ending was kinda perfect. Hat's off to you :D There should definitely be another installment though. *hinthint* I'd love to know what'll happen with the Mord'Sith troupe.

[ntlknythrgrl.livejournal.com]

unquestionably good writing, but you have managed to magnify everything that was admirable but annoying (at least for femslash fans) about Kahlan in the TV series lol

thanks more please

[(Anonymous)]

I am thoroughly enjoying your writing. Spot on and engaging. Honestly, this is the Kahlan from the series - sometimes a kick ass independent powerhouse, sometimes an eternally romantic teenager believing in bodice ripper romance with the handsome (but admittedly rather incompetent and dim witted) hero + babies, lots of babies. However, my heart breaks for Cara - she should get one thing she wants in her life - the woman has literally had everything taken from her: life, her child, her ability to decide who she serves taken from her and Dahlia too. Don't even know if you want or feel any reason to have K/C together at all; but, I'd love to see at least a moment where Kahlan realizes (if you don't have her utterly fall in love with Cara) what she's given up by choosing Richard who will rule her life with a soft fist. This Kahlan (and the series one IMHO) for all her power seems so willing to give her own role as Ruler of the Midlands and Mother Confessor up for a guy who is admittedly nice enough, but hardly what I'd want as Lord of anything. Thanks again. Please continue - whatever direction you choose, I'm certainly along for the ride.

[noangel2046.livejournal.com]

i cried so hard for our poor Cara,pls don't do this next time~~~~
i really liked the Cara/Nan part turned out,Cara being so sweet and gentle with her,God,it did something to me..Kahlan,Kahlan,i don't know what to say,she'll realize Cara's the one,right???????can't wait to see more,just less emotional torture pls~~~

[jaws-of-fenrir.livejournal.com]

Poor fuzzy little Cara. I want Kahlan to pull her head out of her ass but I would support any kinda lovin' for Cara at this point.

You write some of the most torturous fic - keep doing it! >_

[fanficfab.livejournal.com]

that's so freaking mean...more please.

[mdknight3000.livejournal.com]

I'm so sad for Cara but this was a very realistic situation. As much as I love the subtext the show really pointed to Cara being in love with Kahlan but Kahlan not being in love with Cara and loving her in a platonic way. So while the story was hard to bare it was really well written and in character. Now what I would love to happen is for you to continue the story and have Cara experience what she said to Nan. i.e. that SHE will find someone who feels about her the way she feels about Kahlan and feel for that woman what she feels for Kahlan. It would be very fitting for her advice to Nan to ultimately help Cara herself. So please don't end this here. Cara deserves to find love.

[trancer21.livejournal.com]

Dayum! Why not just re-title this 'the one where Cara gets run over by the ANGST TRAIN' and be done with it? I totally mean this in a good way. But, I really like this, especially Cara's characterization. There's nothing quite like the hurt of an unrequited crush and Cara's process of realizing and accepting that her crush won't be returned is heartbreakingly well done.

[seriousfic.livejournal.com]

Dayum! Why not just re-title this 'the one where Cara gets run over by the ANGST TRAIN' and be done with it?

Because that's what I'm going to title the next one. Although someone will return her ~feelings, so there's that.

[macsnooty.livejournal.com]

brb eating my feelings.

[neutralhealer.livejournal.com]

DEFinitely appealing. I love how Kahlan walks in on Cara. Best part *laughs darkly* I like the angsty relationship you portray them having. And hooray for Berdine!Raina! and Rikka! <3

[seven-3-oh.livejournal.com]

i just squee'd so loud at the arrival of the adorable mord-sith that i woke the dog.

oops.

[olli01a.livejournal.com]

Cara cursing at the statue of the creator is wonderful. Something I would have expect from her. The way she send Nans away shows her soft side. The end about the Mord Sith is a surprise. Maybe the Creator had listened to her?