Santana = Lashina

Of course, that's the only similarity between Big Barda and Quinn Fabray. One was raised in an oppressive environment, where she was taught to suppress her emotions and focus on perfection regardless of the cost. Then she was trained by a freakish harridan, proving so skilled that she ended up leading an elite all-girl team. But then she met an eccentric outsider. They became close friends and eventually much more, leading to her exile from the life she'd known.

But enough about Quinn and Rachel. They're not even canon.


Remember when 'non-canon' meant you had to willfully misinterpret the source material?

Jesus is coming (everyone look busy)

So, as some of you may know, the Rapture is tomorrow, and Jesus will be collecting the souls of the righteous to live for eternity with Him in heaven. The rest... not so great. Now, I actually worked as a temp at a Rapture firm a few summers back, so here are a few tips.

1. The password is Chanticleer. With the volume of raptures being processed, they won't have time to check IDs, so if you know the password, they'll probably let you in. If that doesn't work, tell them you have a friend holding a seat for you inside, like Gandhi or Sarah Palin.

2. You can still get kicked out of heaven, which will result in you burning for a thousand years in a lake of fire with the great serpent. So try not to make many waves. It's your first day at a new job--you want people to actually think you're a good employee. So don't go around committing adultery, asking for porn, whatever.

Note: As some of you have guessed, God doesn't mind homosexuality, but He fucking hates Lady Gaga. She is definitely going to get to know a burning giant snake very well.

3. No matter what your religion, you get grandfathered into heaven so long as you have something to do with the TV show Community. So if all else fails, say that you were a gaffer or a best boy. I don't want all of you to try this one or they'll catch onto it, so make sure you only bust this one out for emergencies. I don't wanna see anyone playing the Community card to get out of a few measly decades in Purgatory. Hey, if unbaptized babies can deal with it, so can you.