Book review: BoneMan's Daughters

Dude, what the fuck?

I barely know where to start here. This book breaks rules of drama you didn't even know existed. There are no less than two daring escapes that take place entirely 'off-camera'. A chapter will literally end with the hero thinking "how am I going to get out of this one?" and then after a chapter of other people talking, we catch up with him safe and sound, thinking "man, that was close!" There are two brutal murders, but both of them are reported after the fact and happen to jerks. For a supposed horror novel, this book is relentlessly sanitized. It's the world's first edited-for-TV book.

( Spoilers. )

Location: Glass house. Occupation: Stone thrower.

I've heard of "Your Kink Is Not Okay," but I never knew you could do it with MALE HETEROSEXUALITY.

Ultraviolet liveviewing

Okay, so there was this movie called Equilibrium, which everyone liked. Christian Bale and Sean Bean played BFFs, and they did kung-fu with guns. The writer-director, Kurt Wimmer, decided to do another movie. He also decided drug addiction was nifty.

The result was Ultraviolet, starring Milla Jovovich. Does she have a nude scene? Bet your ass she has a nude scene! Does she, at some point, fly through the air while firing a gun in each hand? Dude. What are you even asking for?

The plot goes something like this: In the future, someone accidentally creates vampires. Milla Jovovich is pregnant, but then she becomes a vampire and loses her ~baby~, so she joins the rebellion of vampires and is given a job to impersonate a bike messenger and sneak into a government facility and steal a briefcase but then it turns out the briefcase is a baby. This is the first ten minutes, not counting the time she spends driving up a wall on her flying motorcycle. Plus, this.



If you would like to know more, there is a liveviewing planned, probably with a drinking game where we will take a shot every time there is lousy CGI. If you agree, you'll probably have to abstain from alcohol for a few days beforehand, because if you go into a lousy CGI in Ultraviolet drinking game with a blood alcohol level above -2, YOU WILL DIE.

Oh, and William Fichtner shows up. That's right, AGENT MAHONE. FLIRTING WITH LEELOO. YES, THIS MOVIE IS YOUR ONE CHANCE OF LEADING A HAPPY LIFE.