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Apr. 12th, 2009
FOUR FUCKING PEOPLE. That's it. Four people wanted to see Monsters Vs. Aliens at nine in the morning. I think I can assure you unequivocably that they lead nasty, brutish lives.
And now it's time for Stupid Questions!
Q: (calling on the phone) Are you guys open?
What I said: No, I live here.
What I should've said: No, we're not open. You're not really talking to me. Do you know if your phone's even on?
Q: (customers walk in, see that the mall is dark, empty, and there are gates up preventing access) Hey, is the mall closed?
What I said: No, we put the gates up for fun.
What I should've said: No, we just need the gates to keep the zombies out.
I'm thinking of doing a chapter-by-chapter review of Wizard's First Rule to compare/contrast with the (far superior) Legend of the Seeker first season. One of the things the TV show left out? Kahlan saying "You have the magic of the tongue" prior to a make-out party (GIRL, YOU SMOOTH LIKE VANILLA!). I feel we're all a bit poorer for not having heard Bridget Regan say that.
I'm not sure of the protocols on this, but I kinda want to write fanfic for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
trancer21's original fic Tainted. Apparently, I'm just a total OT3 slut. What, like it's implausible that Dinah was in a menage a trois with Ollie and Hal, which then led her to start a polygamous relationship with Barbara and Dick? What about that is implausible?
Now, like many families, my parents will watch The Passion of the Christ on Easter to better understand Jesus's suffering. I, on the other hand, shall watch Dragonball: Evolution in an attempt to replicate Jesus's suffering.
And now it's time for Stupid Questions!
Q: (calling on the phone) Are you guys open?
What I said: No, I live here.
What I should've said: No, we're not open. You're not really talking to me. Do you know if your phone's even on?
Q: (customers walk in, see that the mall is dark, empty, and there are gates up preventing access) Hey, is the mall closed?
What I said: No, we put the gates up for fun.
What I should've said: No, we just need the gates to keep the zombies out.
I'm thinking of doing a chapter-by-chapter review of Wizard's First Rule to compare/contrast with the (far superior) Legend of the Seeker first season. One of the things the TV show left out? Kahlan saying "You have the magic of the tongue" prior to a make-out party (GIRL, YOU SMOOTH LIKE VANILLA!). I feel we're all a bit poorer for not having heard Bridget Regan say that.
I'm not sure of the protocols on this, but I kinda want to write fanfic for
trancer21's original fic Tainted. Apparently, I'm just a total OT3 slut. What, like it's implausible that Dinah was in a menage a trois with Ollie and Hal, which then led her to start a polygamous relationship with Barbara and Dick? What about that is implausible?Now, like many families, my parents will watch The Passion of the Christ on Easter to better understand Jesus's suffering. I, on the other hand, shall watch Dragonball: Evolution in an attempt to replicate Jesus's suffering.
Okay, so we start off with one of those gee-whiz all-FX prologues that lets you know they’ve put more thought into making stuff look cool than making the stuff in the first place. But, for the record, Piccolo was a big bad space alien who decided to fuck up Earth. No reason, just because it’s Earth I guess. I mean, we must look pretty easy with our oxygen-nitrogen atmosphere and our H2O. You know for every one space aliens that try to invade us, there’s like ten just trying to work up the nerve? “Ha ha ha, foolish Earthlings, my moon ray will… no, no! That’s terrible! Stupid!”
But, luckily, seven monks managed to imprison Piccolo inside the Earth and Piccolo’s sidekick, Oozaru (which sounds like something you need an ointment for), went into hiding. But, two thousand years later, Piccolo escapes by… ummm… well, they never say. I guess the warranty ran out on that magic no-fail prison.
But hey, who has time to worry about that when Goku is learning to kung-fu fight! He’s just your typical all-American teen growing up in Japanamerica 3000, who doesn’t fit in and is bullied. Instead of getting a haircut and maybe just going by his middle name, Goku begs his grandfather for permission to use his kung-fu against the bullies, but isn’t allowed because hey, why do you think people learn kung-fu, to defend themselves? Bah!
We’re introduced to Goku fighting Gohan on a pair of wires, which we’re supposed to see, and suspended from wires, which we’re not. Gohan is armed with a staff and can use magical energy blasts, which seems a bit unfair, but then Campbellian story structure does demand he die soon, so give him a break.
At school, Goku runs afoul of the mean Flash Thompson, I mean Whitney Fordman, I mean… oh, let’s this go with Flash, I don’t want to insult the Romantic languages by being able to remember the name of Goku’s bully but not Spanish I. Flash runs over Goku’s bike, nearly killing Goku, but of course Goku pussies out of doing anything about it. After all, according to the Movie Rulebook, you can either back down from a fight (in which case you’ll be able to whup his ass later) or you can get into a fight (in which case you’ll get your ass whupped, but then get trained by a Mystical Negro/Oriental man/Pacific Islander and whup his ass later), but you can’t just call the cops when someone destroys your property and almost runs you over.
Goku also fantasizes about Flash’s girl, Chi-Chi. Why is it these teen heroes always go after the girlfriends of their jock bullies? You’d think just once they’d realize that if a hot chick is dating a jerkass, they might not be such a catch in the personality department? When Chi-Chi can’t get her locker open, Goku uses a chi blast to open all the lockers. Aroused by this wanton destruction (hey, who wouldn’t be?), Chi-Chi asks Goku to her party.
Meanwhile, Piccolo has hijacked a SHIELD Heli-Carrier and he and his boob-windowed sidekick are running around collecting Dragonballs. They never explain who Boob Window is or why she wants to help Piccolo destroy and/or take over her own planet, but I’m guessing she’s just a James Marsters fangirl. Actually, she’s probably one of the saner ones.
Gohan gives Goku a Dragonball, which as birthday presents go is pretty sucky. “So, if I round up six more of these things from around the world, I get one perfect wish? How about I wish for an X-Box 360, like I had on my Amazon wishlist? Thanks a lot, gramps.”
( Read more... )
But, luckily, seven monks managed to imprison Piccolo inside the Earth and Piccolo’s sidekick, Oozaru (which sounds like something you need an ointment for), went into hiding. But, two thousand years later, Piccolo escapes by… ummm… well, they never say. I guess the warranty ran out on that magic no-fail prison.
But hey, who has time to worry about that when Goku is learning to kung-fu fight! He’s just your typical all-American teen growing up in Japanamerica 3000, who doesn’t fit in and is bullied. Instead of getting a haircut and maybe just going by his middle name, Goku begs his grandfather for permission to use his kung-fu against the bullies, but isn’t allowed because hey, why do you think people learn kung-fu, to defend themselves? Bah!
We’re introduced to Goku fighting Gohan on a pair of wires, which we’re supposed to see, and suspended from wires, which we’re not. Gohan is armed with a staff and can use magical energy blasts, which seems a bit unfair, but then Campbellian story structure does demand he die soon, so give him a break.
At school, Goku runs afoul of the mean Flash Thompson, I mean Whitney Fordman, I mean… oh, let’s this go with Flash, I don’t want to insult the Romantic languages by being able to remember the name of Goku’s bully but not Spanish I. Flash runs over Goku’s bike, nearly killing Goku, but of course Goku pussies out of doing anything about it. After all, according to the Movie Rulebook, you can either back down from a fight (in which case you’ll be able to whup his ass later) or you can get into a fight (in which case you’ll get your ass whupped, but then get trained by a Mystical Negro/Oriental man/Pacific Islander and whup his ass later), but you can’t just call the cops when someone destroys your property and almost runs you over.
Goku also fantasizes about Flash’s girl, Chi-Chi. Why is it these teen heroes always go after the girlfriends of their jock bullies? You’d think just once they’d realize that if a hot chick is dating a jerkass, they might not be such a catch in the personality department? When Chi-Chi can’t get her locker open, Goku uses a chi blast to open all the lockers. Aroused by this wanton destruction (hey, who wouldn’t be?), Chi-Chi asks Goku to her party.
Meanwhile, Piccolo has hijacked a SHIELD Heli-Carrier and he and his boob-windowed sidekick are running around collecting Dragonballs. They never explain who Boob Window is or why she wants to help Piccolo destroy and/or take over her own planet, but I’m guessing she’s just a James Marsters fangirl. Actually, she’s probably one of the saner ones.
Gohan gives Goku a Dragonball, which as birthday presents go is pretty sucky. “So, if I round up six more of these things from around the world, I get one perfect wish? How about I wish for an X-Box 360, like I had on my Amazon wishlist? Thanks a lot, gramps.”
( Read more... )