seriousfic

Okay, so we start off with one of those gee-whiz all-FX prologues that lets you know they’ve put more thought into making stuff look cool than making the stuff in the first place. But, for the record, Piccolo was a big bad space alien who decided to fuck up Earth. No reason, just because it’s Earth I guess. I mean, we must look pretty easy with our oxygen-nitrogen atmosphere and our H2O. You know for every one space aliens that try to invade us, there’s like ten just trying to work up the nerve? “Ha ha ha, foolish Earthlings, my moon ray will… no, no! That’s terrible! Stupid!”

But, luckily, seven monks managed to imprison Piccolo inside the Earth and Piccolo’s sidekick, Oozaru (which sounds like something you need an ointment for), went into hiding. But, two thousand years later, Piccolo escapes by… ummm… well, they never say. I guess the warranty ran out on that magic no-fail prison.

But hey, who has time to worry about that when Goku is learning to kung-fu fight! He’s just your typical all-American teen growing up in Japanamerica 3000, who doesn’t fit in and is bullied. Instead of getting a haircut and maybe just going by his middle name, Goku begs his grandfather for permission to use his kung-fu against the bullies, but isn’t allowed because hey, why do you think people learn kung-fu, to defend themselves? Bah!

We’re introduced to Goku fighting Gohan on a pair of wires, which we’re supposed to see, and suspended from wires, which we’re not. Gohan is armed with a staff and can use magical energy blasts, which seems a bit unfair, but then Campbellian story structure does demand he die soon, so give him a break.

At school, Goku runs afoul of the mean Flash Thompson, I mean Whitney Fordman, I mean… oh, let’s this go with Flash, I don’t want to insult the Romantic languages by being able to remember the name of Goku’s bully but not Spanish I. Flash runs over Goku’s bike, nearly killing Goku, but of course Goku pussies out of doing anything about it. After all, according to the Movie Rulebook, you can either back down from a fight (in which case you’ll be able to whup his ass later) or you can get into a fight (in which case you’ll get your ass whupped, but then get trained by a Mystical Negro/Oriental man/Pacific Islander and whup his ass later), but you can’t just call the cops when someone destroys your property and almost runs you over.

Goku also fantasizes about Flash’s girl, Chi-Chi. Why is it these teen heroes always go after the girlfriends of their jock bullies? You’d think just once they’d realize that if a hot chick is dating a jerkass, they might not be such a catch in the personality department? When Chi-Chi can’t get her locker open, Goku uses a chi blast to open all the lockers. Aroused by this wanton destruction (hey, who wouldn’t be?), Chi-Chi asks Goku to her party.

Meanwhile, Piccolo has hijacked a SHIELD Heli-Carrier and he and his boob-windowed sidekick are running around collecting Dragonballs. They never explain who Boob Window is or why she wants to help Piccolo destroy and/or take over her own planet, but I’m guessing she’s just a James Marsters fangirl. Actually, she’s probably one of the saner ones.

Gohan gives Goku a Dragonball, which as birthday presents go is pretty sucky. “So, if I round up six more of these things from around the world, I get one perfect wish? How about I wish for an X-Box 360, like I had on my Amazon wishlist? Thanks a lot, gramps.”

So Goku skips out on his 18th birthday party with his grandpa to go to Hot Chick Central, where in a Matt Murdockian “letter of the law” judgment call he decides that dodging people so that they beat each other up (and wreck their own car) doesn’t count as fighting. Sayonara, Flash. He and his relationship with Chi-Chi are never brought up again. Goku and Chi-Chi talk and it comes up that Goku’s parents are dead, but Gohan is waiting for Goku’s 18th birthday to tell him the circumstances. Which is today. I’d like to say it’s unrealistic for a teenage boy to put finding out the truth about his dead parents behind getting some, but no. They’re dead-on.

Of course, while this has been going on, Piccolo and Boob Window visit Gohan. Piccolo Force-chokes Gohan, doesn’t find the Dragonball, and then collapses the house on him. Of course, after this, he never uses the Force-grip again. You’d think it’d come in handy.

So Goku comes home, finds Gohan, gets a deathbed message to find Master Roshi (man, two Campbellian mentors who die in the course of the hero's journey? What’s next, is he going to descend to the underworld below the underworld?), then it’s all over but the emoting. He even buries Gohan, which means he’s a lot less of a slacker than I was at 18. I’d be all “Wait, the police are going to handle the burial for me? Sweet!” Of course, no one later finds this the least suspicious when they bring it up later.

Then Bulma arrives and nearly shoots Goku for stealing “her” Dragonball before realizing the energy signature she was following was his Dragonball. Because, hey, if a heroine didn’t introduce herself by being a kill-crazy bitch, how would we know she was empowered and independent and shit? That’s why all heroes also have to introduce themselves by being complete dicks, because otherwise we’d think they were pussies. Taking time to explain the situation and thinking before acting, that’s for fags! Only villains and traitors are sensitive or mature!

Anyway, Bulma is a scientist (did she go to the same alma mater as Christmas Jones?) who wants to use the Dragonballs to create clean, renewable energy… so she can be famous. Okay, fair enough. It certainly beats starring in a few movies, then not wearing panties for the next five years. She and Goku decide to team up, so she can get the Dragonballs and Goku can find Master Roshi. Although the only thing Bulma seems to do to help with this is try Holo-Google, so really the only thing she’s along for is to give Goku a ride. No, not like that, the one in her pants! The motorcycle that gets bigger?

Holo-Google turns out to be totally useless, even when they use “I’m Feeling Lucky,” but Goku senses Roshi through the Force and goes to his house, where Bulma breaks in. Charming. Only it doesn’t count because the door was unlocked. Oh, yeah, I’m glad we have this guy guarding one-sixth of the key to world domination. Roshi wakes up and beats some of the crap out of Goku, who at first tries to explain, then just decides, hey, what the hell. Bulma catches an energy blast in the process, but luckily it’s one of those wimpy energy blasts that does as much damage as slipping on a banana peel. I really don’t get the point of training for years to master those when you can just buy a gun.

But I can’t complain much, because hey, Chow Yun-Fat is here! Step aside, honky, Chow Yun gonna get all up in this film’s business! So the three of them set off to find another Dragonball, trying to collect all seven to wish Piccolo back into prison. Although since Piccolo already has some, it stands to reason that they’d have to confront him to get all the Dragonballs, but no, all the Beat Piccolo plans are wadded up and thrown out with the cat dander. Whatever.

But on their way to the nearest Dragonball (Bulma has a Tricorder that detects MacGuffins), they fall into a hole built by a desert bandit named Yamcha. He wants them to give him money to get them out, and none of the three martial arts masters/gunfighters think to just agree and then beat him up. The most they can do is have Goku try to jump up at him, but the wireworks guys are on break, so it doesn’t work.

Night falls and Roshi tells them once more about how Piccolo was imprisoned, yadda yadda, then he states that they can’t waste any more time and jumps out of the hole. I detect a flaw in his logic. They offer Yamcha a share of the proceeds from patenting the Dragonballs to help, so he helps them dig their way to the next Dragonball. They come out in a volcano, which… why’d they have to tunnel?

Anyway, some creatures created by Piccolo’s blood show up to attack, but their only real power is growing back when they get cut up, and even that doesn’t work when they’re lavaed. Goku chops up a bunch and uses them as monster stepping stones to get to the Dragonball, which is pretty hardcore. What’s next, is he going to curb-stomp Majin Bu?

So, with thirty seconds of thrilling martial arts action under its belt (I’m serious, the jocks put up more of a fight than Piccolo’s monstrous assassins), Goku grabs the Dragonball, only for Boob Window to show up and almost grab it before getting her ass kicked. It’s almost like there’s some… weak spot in her armor. However, with only two days left until the eclipse – which is when Oozaru will return, though if he’s as much of a pushover as Boob Window and the T-Cells (check out their new single on iTunes!), I don’t know why everyone’s worried – Roshi decides that Plan Dragonball is a no-go and he’s going to perform the ritual that trapped Piccolo the last time. Ah, yes, leave it for future generations to worry about. That’s the ticket!

However, this ritual comes with a heavy price. Roshi will use up his life energy and die doing this. So of course, he’s shown completing the ritual and then walking around all fine and dandy. I guess he’s like Scotty – always overestimate the problem so you look like a badass when you solve it.

On a sidenote, why do all of these evil prophecies come to fruition on the eclipse? If I were Evil (which I’m not… ahem…), I’d set the evil prophecy for two days after the eclipse, when everyone’s guard is down. Or for during a lunar eclipse. Just once, I’d like to see the heroes stop the Temple of Death from activating during the once-in-a-millennia solar eclipse, only for an entirely different prophecy to destroy the world. “Yeah, thanks a lot Lara Croft, we got our shit handled, you couldn’t stop one Evil Clock?”

But hey, let’s not forget Goku is a teenage boy. The impending end of the world is no excuse for not trying to score. He goes to visit Chi-Chi at her fighting tournament, where Boob Window scratches her arm for a blood sample and then disqualifies herself. Goku doesn’t react at all to seeing this evil minion hanging around his girlfriend, leaving the audience to wonder what else Boob Window does on her time-off. Post Piccolo theme songs on YouTube? Commission Piccolo fanart from Dustin Nguyen? Surfing?

Then it’s time for some training. Roshi shows Goku the Kamehameha, which Goku sucks at. Then Chi-Chi shows up to give Goku some incentive. Well, you tell a teenage boy to light some lamps with energy blasts to get to fourth base, you better believe you’re getting some energy blasts. Goku gets some Gocoochie.

Also, Bulma and Yamche have a romantic interlude. Hey, he may be a ruthless thief with a callous indifferent to possible injury or death, but them some kissable lips. Back at the dojo (ERNIE HUDSON? What’re you doing here?), Boob Window shape-shifts into Chi-Chi to steal the Dragonballs. But really now, who’s idea was it to let Chi-Chi get access to the Dragonballs in the first… oh, right, teenage boy. So now Boob Window has got her hands on the Dragonballs and all that stands in her way is the real Chi-Chi. Catfight!

Goku arrives on the scene and, after fake Chi-Chi asks for help, KOs the real Chi-Chi. Good one, hero. Didn’t even wait for a “Kill us both, Spock.” He didn’t even try!

Goku: Alright, I rocked one of your worlds last night. Chi-Chi 1, how was I?

Chi-Chi 1: Ten.

Goku: Chi-Chi 2?

Chi-Chi 2: Two and three-quarters.

Goku: *whap!*

Chi-Chi 1: You know I’m not the real Chi-Chi, right?

Goku: (sigh) I know.

So Piccolo has all the Dragonballs, and he does a little gloating about how now he’s going to pay back the Earth for spending two thousand years in prison. Which, since we never found out why he wanted to blow up the Earth in the first place, seems like he’s one of those “It’s the principle of the thing!” kinda guys. He probably complains to the management if he overhears a cashier saying “Shit.” Now that is evil.

Now, you may think that having taken time to establish Chi-Chi as a fighter and as someone who even knows what chi is, she’s come along for the final fight. But nope, it’s Goku, Bulma, Roshi, and Yamche. Fortunately, activating the Dragonballs requires going to a special temple and saying a special prayer and all sorts of bullshit for “one perfect wish.” No one ever says what an imperfect wish is. Like, if you wish that Elvis would be alive, does a perfect wish get you young Elvis and an imperfect wish get you old Elvis? Anyway, they disrupt the ritual and prepare for the fight scene. Goku says he’s going to take out both Piccolo and Oozaru, upon which Piccolo says that Goku IS Oozaru. And why should I believe you? You're Hitler!

Yes, for some reason Oozaru waited two thousand years, turned into a baby, and let himself be raised by Gohan, forgetting all about his true origins. I guess this is why Piccolo is the brains of the outfit. So, Goku turns into Oozaru (ANIMALITY!) and attacks Bulma and Yamche. Yamche tells Bulma to run for it while he sacrifices himself, which delays Oozaru for about 0.4 seconds.

Piccolo kills the shit out of Roshi AND uses a muzzle flash to blind his girlfriend, which just seems to be adding insult to injury. Bulma fights Boob Window over a Dragonball, but just when all hope seems lost, Yamche comes back to life and shoots Boob Window in the back. Yawn.

Oh, and Oozaru comes to his senses and turns back into Goku by accepting being both Goku and Oozaru, making that the shortest identity crisis of all time. He and Piccolo has a fight that’s mostly screaming and throwing energy blasts at each other, until finally Goku Kamehamehas Piccolo out of the ballpark. Then they use the Dragonballs’ wish to bring Roshi back to life, although I don’t get why bringing back the teacher Goku met a few days ago takes precedent over bringing back Gohan, who raised Goku from birth. Then again, if I had to choose between resurrecting either my grandfather or Chow Yun-Fat, I’d probably be flat with the Fat.

So the Dragonballs disappear, requiring a quest to find them again (given that they took, like, a week to find this time, I don’t see how this is much of a sequel hook. It’s like Star Wars ending with one of the stormtroopers vowing revenge). But before that, Goku goes to get some tongue action from Chi-Chi, and they argue over that time Chi-Chi got knocked the fuck out. Now, if I were Goku, I’d probably not bring that up, but they get into a “cute” banter about that whoopsie-daisy domestic abuse and eventually decide to have a sparring match to settle it. Oh, hey, finally a fight scene… and credits.