The Rules

1. All female protagonists of any story (but most especially urban fantasy) must have body issues. In the olden days, the defining characteristic of women was shoes. However, men eventually tumbled to that, and now if you asked Clint Eastwood to write a female character, he'd write that she likes shopping for shoes. Thus, the new way for female characters to be relatable and sympathetic is for them to complain that their breasts aren't large enough.

2. The more femslashable a character is, the more odious her male love interest will be.

3. Any fake folklore must include a sequence where two people change into different forms to conflict with each other.

4. Nobody puts Baby in the corner.

Can't we all just NOT get along?

You remember those old Pepé Le Pew cartoons where he chases the black cat with the accidental white stripe around? Well, I just saw a commercial for some... text message phone thing where the cat DELIBERATELY PAINTS A WHITE STRIPE ON HERSELF, then calls up Pepé Le Pew to exchange cutesy messages. What the fuck? Look, I realize a children's cartoon about a French skunk trying to rape a cat doesn't play the same nowadays, but if you're going to bring it back, must you make it diametrically opposed to the entire canon? Why not Babs and Buster Bunny? They're about as relevant and at least they actually have a mutual attraction to each other.

What's next? Popeye and Bluto holding hands?

And the whole thing with the deliberate painting just raises a bunch of disquieting questions. Does Pepé Le Pew know she's not a skunk or is she deceiving him? Is it some... kink thing? Look, commercial, you brought these questions up, not me!