Iron Man fic: Steve Rogers Must Die!
Feb. 6th, 2009 08:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficTitle: Steve Rogers Must Die!
Fandom: Iron Man (movieverse)
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1,946
Characters/Pairings: Tony Stark, Pepper Potts, Jim Rhodes, Steve Rogers
Summary: Tony is not happy about some defrosted moron in American flag lingerie running the Avengers. Not one bit.
Nick Fury had a very commanding tone. It either came with being a general or came with being a 6'4 black man who kickboxed obsessively. Either way, it was wasted on Tony. “You said you'd join the team.”
“I said I'd think about joining the team,” Tony corrected. “I thought about it, decided it sounded boring.”
He'd been walking with his corporate support staff, discussing mergers and acquisitions and the appropriately inappropriate short skirt the new receptionist wore when Nick Fury had appeared out of nowhere to join the party. And all Tony could do was shoot his treacherous SHIELD handler, Natasha, a look as Fury started in about... well, really, Tony hadn't been listening, he'd been wondering if all this could've been avoided by calling Natasha like he'd promised to.
He was eyeing the distance to the elevator and wondering if Pepper could keep up if and when he made a break for it. That escape route was contingent on outrunning Fury and assuming Fury didn't have Scotty waiting to beam him up, which Tony wouldn't put past the man.
“Yeah, I needed someone to put on the books to get funding, so you're drafted.”
“What, you couldn't get Spider-Man?” Tony sniped.
Fury's one eye got really narrow. He just couldn't get Spider-Man to join up, which would've made him tear his hair out if he weren't already shaved bald. “We found Captain America. He was frozen in Antarctica.”
“So you want me to give him a eulogy? Because the only thing I know about him is that for someone with America in his name, he doesn't compare favorably to Miss America.” He could probably make the elevator and get it closed ahead of Fury. He'd been working out a lot, what with the terrorist thwartings and such.
“I didn't say he was dead.”
***
Steve Rogers was too good to be true. Tony frowned just seeing him. No one could be that handsome, that athletic, and that charismatic (it seemed the nurses were holding a raffle for who would give him a sponge bath), and actually be a superhero. It just wasn't possible. The universe wasn't that cliché.
“With him leading the Avengers, the Senate will be lining up to give us budget packages,” Fury said smugly.
“You said I would lead the Avengers.” Tony was too shellshocked to make it really petulant, but he tried.
“I said I'd think about it. Besides, that was before we had a living legend on hand.”
“So if you find someone better for the job, he could be on the way out?” Hope sprang eternal.
“Yes, if the god of thunder decides to come down to Earth and fight for America's interests, then Cap's history. Again. Otherwise, learn to live with it.”
“Cap?”
***
The next time Tony saw Steve, he'd completely recovered from being frozen in ice for the better part of a century. So, one week later.
“Tony Stark. I hear we're going to be teammates.” Steve gave him a beaming smile and nearly pulverized his hand when they shook. “So what outfit are you? Army? Marines?”
“Fortune 500.”
“Ah.” If Steve was the least bit crestfallen, he didn't show it. “It's good to see even the common citizenry of America doing its part to keep this country great!”
It was then and there that Tony decided there was only room for one of them on the Avengers.
***
From there, it was two weeks of nonstop press, speaking engagements, fundraisers, Oprah interviews, and an appearance in a Coldplay music video. For Steve. Tony sat at home and worked on his Iron Man armor. After a week of that, he phoned Christine Everhart and asked if she would like an exclusive interview, but hung up when she asked if it could be a group interview “with the rest of the Avengers.” Yeah, all one of them. That sent him back to the lab for the next week, albeit with an idea...
Having had the misfortune of knowing Captain America for three weeks, Tony invited Steve to his home.
“This is spectacular,” Steve said, goggling unabashedly like a rube. “You live here?”
“Last time I checked.”
Steve let out a low whistle. “To tell you the truth, when I woke up and found out it was nine years after the year 2000, I expected everyone to be living like this.”
What. A. Schmuck.
“Come on, I've got something to show you,” Tony said, quickly leading him down into the lab. It took a minute for Steve to catch up; long enough for Tony to realize Steve was talking to JARVIS.
“In my day, all we had for computers were... abacuses.”
JARVIS chuckled. Tony hadn't programmed JARVIS to chuckle. “Very droll, sir.”
Tony fought down the urge to remind JARVIS that only he was “sir”. “Here, Steve-o, check this out.” He picked up the shield he'd been working on since a mention of the original's adamantium-vibranium alloy had challenged him. “Catch.”
He threw it as hard as he could to Steve, who had the audacity to catch it like it was a beanbag tossed underhand. “A shield? I've already got one.”
“This one has a few modifications. Flip the switch on the back.”
“Which one? There are about a dozen.”
“The red one.”
A forcefield sprung out of the shield's edges, sheltering Steve from head to toe.
“Well now!” Steve cried, overjoyed. “That is something. But, my old shield and I have been through a lot...”
“That's cool. If you don't want to give it a try, I understand.”
“It's not that...”
“Oh, then you will give it a test run?”
“Absolutely!” Steve said, with so much grins you'd think it was his idea in the first place.
The door swung open, hitting the wall with a clang, and Pepper passed through with an armful of notes on her way to the other door. “Tony, that Everhart woman called again, wants to know if that's a yes on the joint interview.”
“Tell her--” Tony's properly caustic remark was cut off by Steve bounding over the couch, swinging off a girder, bouncing off the pool table, and finally getting the door for Pepper.
“Oh!” Pepper looked up, noticing Steve for the first time. Or, more accurately, Steve's truly epic chest musculature. “Oh...”
“Need any help?”
“No, I'm... fine... thank you... What are you doing here? And can you stay?”
“Oh, I just dropped by to pick this up from Tony.” He showed Pepper the shield and Tony grinned smugly. “Your boss is quite a smart man.”
“Oh, brains aren't everything.” Pepper made a little dismissive gesture like she was waving off the faintest smell of Tony.
Tony wondered if his jaw had dropped. These were the circumstances people's jaws dropped, right? It was wholly called for.
Steve was letting her hold the shield as he turned to Tony and said “Let me pay you back, how 'bout it? We'll go a few rounds, teach you a few tricks that don't involve vacuum tubes, it'll be good for you. Chisel off some of that gut.”
Gut? Tony felt his hands preemptively working their way into fists. “I'd like nothing better.”
***
Ow. Owwww. Tony's body hadn't ached this much since that time with the freaky Greek ninja whatever. And that was a fun ache. This was just... owwwwwwwwwww!
“Pepper! Pepper!” Tony called. With disgust, he flicked the mostly melted bag of ice off his head. “Pepper, I need a new ice-bag!”
“Sir, Pepper has left for the evening,” JARVIS informed him.
“Left? Left for where?”
“At the time of her log-out, I believe she was making dinner plans with Master Rogers.”
***
The steakhouse Steve took Pepper to was charmingly quaint, with neither pretension or exorbitant rates. Tony hated it just as much as he loved the smell of their BBQ.
“Tony? Is that you?”
Tony looked around frantically as Rhodey slid into the booth across from him. “...maybe?”
“You're not stalking Steve just because he's taking Pepper out, are you?”
“Don't be absurd. You're not stalking Steve just because he's taking Pepper out, are you?”
“No, I'm... actually... you think you could get me an autograph?”
Tony buried his head in his hands. “It doesn’t matter! Because after tonight, ‘Steve’ will never be showing his face in this town again!”
He dialed a number on his cell-phone and pressed send.
A moment later, Steve’s shield started to vibrate and sing out ‘Ain’t no lie, baby, bye bye bye.’
“I love this song!” Pepper exclaimed.
***
Fury quickly laid out the plan for the Avengers. Tony waited more or less patiently, hardly texting anyone on his Blackberry. “Okay, so after Captain America frees the hostages, I blow up the doomsday weapon.”
“No, I do,” came a voice from the ceiling.
“Who's this guy?”
“Just your friendly neighborhood...”
“I know who you are! It was a rhetorical question.”
“Oh. You know who I am!?” Spider-Man finished brightly.
“Yeah, just... since when are you an Avenger?”
“Cap asked me. And hey, you don't say no to Cap!”
**
Tony shook himself a cocktail. He really hated missions with the Avengers, but it was the only way he could get any press these days. Pepper would probably try to tell him glory wasn't important, if she weren't busy canoodling with Steve. Tony shook the cocktail shaker harder. Maybe he should've hired an agent. Another one.
“Tony? That you?”
Great. The flag wonder. Tony resisted the urge to sigh. “Yeah. It is.”
Two thousand dollar suit and Steve looked better in a T-shirt and jeans. “I just wanted to talk to you about the team.”
“Yeah, what about it?”
“Do you have some sort of problem with me?”
“Yes.” Tony took off his sunglasses. “You’re perfect. You solve every problem without a drop of sweat. You don’t have an ounce of cynicism or irony in your body, yet no one laughs at you. You take my secretary out to dinner, have my best friend as a fanboy, and even the goddamn computer likes you. You’re just… damn… irritating!”
Steve smiled. “Oh, thank God. For a moment there, I was worried this would be awkward.”
“Awkward how?”
“Well, if you liked me, how ungracious would it be for me to think you were a misogynistic, philandering, foul-mouthed, irresponsible playboy who likes to play superhero to assuage his own guilt over his immoral business practices?”
“Foul-mouthed? Hey, fuck you!”
Steve pointed a finger at him. “That’s exactly the kind of attitude we don’t need. You should take a page from Spider-Man’s book.”
“He dresses up like a bug!”
“And you just act like one.”
“That’s it! You go get your gay little shield, I’ll get my badass armor, and we’ll settle this like men!”
***
Fury paced in front of them. “I honestly cannot believe the two of you. What the hell were you thinking?”
“I would just like to point out that he called me misogynistic,” Tony said.
“You called me irritating!”
“Both of you shut up! Now, while I think of an explanation for why America’s two top heroes were at each others’ throats up and down Sunset Boulevard…”
“Rush hour traffic?” Tony suggested.
“The two of you can just cool down and learn from Thor’s good example.”
“Thor?” “Thor?”
The God of Thunder walked by, chatting with SHIELD agent Sharon Carter. “My lass, were all mortals but as fetching as you, the beauty of Asgard would find itself long-abandoned for the gates of Midgard!”
Sharon giggled coquettishly.
Steve and Tony watched them go.
“Pretty boy,” Tony groused.
“Prima donna,” Steve complained.
“Truce until we get the newbie sorted out?”
“Oh yeah.”
Fandom: Iron Man (movieverse)
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1,946
Characters/Pairings: Tony Stark, Pepper Potts, Jim Rhodes, Steve Rogers
Summary: Tony is not happy about some defrosted moron in American flag lingerie running the Avengers. Not one bit.
Nick Fury had a very commanding tone. It either came with being a general or came with being a 6'4 black man who kickboxed obsessively. Either way, it was wasted on Tony. “You said you'd join the team.”
“I said I'd think about joining the team,” Tony corrected. “I thought about it, decided it sounded boring.”
He'd been walking with his corporate support staff, discussing mergers and acquisitions and the appropriately inappropriate short skirt the new receptionist wore when Nick Fury had appeared out of nowhere to join the party. And all Tony could do was shoot his treacherous SHIELD handler, Natasha, a look as Fury started in about... well, really, Tony hadn't been listening, he'd been wondering if all this could've been avoided by calling Natasha like he'd promised to.
He was eyeing the distance to the elevator and wondering if Pepper could keep up if and when he made a break for it. That escape route was contingent on outrunning Fury and assuming Fury didn't have Scotty waiting to beam him up, which Tony wouldn't put past the man.
“Yeah, I needed someone to put on the books to get funding, so you're drafted.”
“What, you couldn't get Spider-Man?” Tony sniped.
Fury's one eye got really narrow. He just couldn't get Spider-Man to join up, which would've made him tear his hair out if he weren't already shaved bald. “We found Captain America. He was frozen in Antarctica.”
“So you want me to give him a eulogy? Because the only thing I know about him is that for someone with America in his name, he doesn't compare favorably to Miss America.” He could probably make the elevator and get it closed ahead of Fury. He'd been working out a lot, what with the terrorist thwartings and such.
“I didn't say he was dead.”
***
Steve Rogers was too good to be true. Tony frowned just seeing him. No one could be that handsome, that athletic, and that charismatic (it seemed the nurses were holding a raffle for who would give him a sponge bath), and actually be a superhero. It just wasn't possible. The universe wasn't that cliché.
“With him leading the Avengers, the Senate will be lining up to give us budget packages,” Fury said smugly.
“You said I would lead the Avengers.” Tony was too shellshocked to make it really petulant, but he tried.
“I said I'd think about it. Besides, that was before we had a living legend on hand.”
“So if you find someone better for the job, he could be on the way out?” Hope sprang eternal.
“Yes, if the god of thunder decides to come down to Earth and fight for America's interests, then Cap's history. Again. Otherwise, learn to live with it.”
“Cap?”
***
The next time Tony saw Steve, he'd completely recovered from being frozen in ice for the better part of a century. So, one week later.
“Tony Stark. I hear we're going to be teammates.” Steve gave him a beaming smile and nearly pulverized his hand when they shook. “So what outfit are you? Army? Marines?”
“Fortune 500.”
“Ah.” If Steve was the least bit crestfallen, he didn't show it. “It's good to see even the common citizenry of America doing its part to keep this country great!”
It was then and there that Tony decided there was only room for one of them on the Avengers.
***
From there, it was two weeks of nonstop press, speaking engagements, fundraisers, Oprah interviews, and an appearance in a Coldplay music video. For Steve. Tony sat at home and worked on his Iron Man armor. After a week of that, he phoned Christine Everhart and asked if she would like an exclusive interview, but hung up when she asked if it could be a group interview “with the rest of the Avengers.” Yeah, all one of them. That sent him back to the lab for the next week, albeit with an idea...
Having had the misfortune of knowing Captain America for three weeks, Tony invited Steve to his home.
“This is spectacular,” Steve said, goggling unabashedly like a rube. “You live here?”
“Last time I checked.”
Steve let out a low whistle. “To tell you the truth, when I woke up and found out it was nine years after the year 2000, I expected everyone to be living like this.”
What. A. Schmuck.
“Come on, I've got something to show you,” Tony said, quickly leading him down into the lab. It took a minute for Steve to catch up; long enough for Tony to realize Steve was talking to JARVIS.
“In my day, all we had for computers were... abacuses.”
JARVIS chuckled. Tony hadn't programmed JARVIS to chuckle. “Very droll, sir.”
Tony fought down the urge to remind JARVIS that only he was “sir”. “Here, Steve-o, check this out.” He picked up the shield he'd been working on since a mention of the original's adamantium-vibranium alloy had challenged him. “Catch.”
He threw it as hard as he could to Steve, who had the audacity to catch it like it was a beanbag tossed underhand. “A shield? I've already got one.”
“This one has a few modifications. Flip the switch on the back.”
“Which one? There are about a dozen.”
“The red one.”
A forcefield sprung out of the shield's edges, sheltering Steve from head to toe.
“Well now!” Steve cried, overjoyed. “That is something. But, my old shield and I have been through a lot...”
“That's cool. If you don't want to give it a try, I understand.”
“It's not that...”
“Oh, then you will give it a test run?”
“Absolutely!” Steve said, with so much grins you'd think it was his idea in the first place.
The door swung open, hitting the wall with a clang, and Pepper passed through with an armful of notes on her way to the other door. “Tony, that Everhart woman called again, wants to know if that's a yes on the joint interview.”
“Tell her--” Tony's properly caustic remark was cut off by Steve bounding over the couch, swinging off a girder, bouncing off the pool table, and finally getting the door for Pepper.
“Oh!” Pepper looked up, noticing Steve for the first time. Or, more accurately, Steve's truly epic chest musculature. “Oh...”
“Need any help?”
“No, I'm... fine... thank you... What are you doing here? And can you stay?”
“Oh, I just dropped by to pick this up from Tony.” He showed Pepper the shield and Tony grinned smugly. “Your boss is quite a smart man.”
“Oh, brains aren't everything.” Pepper made a little dismissive gesture like she was waving off the faintest smell of Tony.
Tony wondered if his jaw had dropped. These were the circumstances people's jaws dropped, right? It was wholly called for.
Steve was letting her hold the shield as he turned to Tony and said “Let me pay you back, how 'bout it? We'll go a few rounds, teach you a few tricks that don't involve vacuum tubes, it'll be good for you. Chisel off some of that gut.”
Gut? Tony felt his hands preemptively working their way into fists. “I'd like nothing better.”
***
Ow. Owwww. Tony's body hadn't ached this much since that time with the freaky Greek ninja whatever. And that was a fun ache. This was just... owwwwwwwwwww!
“Pepper! Pepper!” Tony called. With disgust, he flicked the mostly melted bag of ice off his head. “Pepper, I need a new ice-bag!”
“Sir, Pepper has left for the evening,” JARVIS informed him.
“Left? Left for where?”
“At the time of her log-out, I believe she was making dinner plans with Master Rogers.”
***
The steakhouse Steve took Pepper to was charmingly quaint, with neither pretension or exorbitant rates. Tony hated it just as much as he loved the smell of their BBQ.
“Tony? Is that you?”
Tony looked around frantically as Rhodey slid into the booth across from him. “...maybe?”
“You're not stalking Steve just because he's taking Pepper out, are you?”
“Don't be absurd. You're not stalking Steve just because he's taking Pepper out, are you?”
“No, I'm... actually... you think you could get me an autograph?”
Tony buried his head in his hands. “It doesn’t matter! Because after tonight, ‘Steve’ will never be showing his face in this town again!”
He dialed a number on his cell-phone and pressed send.
A moment later, Steve’s shield started to vibrate and sing out ‘Ain’t no lie, baby, bye bye bye.’
“I love this song!” Pepper exclaimed.
***
Fury quickly laid out the plan for the Avengers. Tony waited more or less patiently, hardly texting anyone on his Blackberry. “Okay, so after Captain America frees the hostages, I blow up the doomsday weapon.”
“No, I do,” came a voice from the ceiling.
“Who's this guy?”
“Just your friendly neighborhood...”
“I know who you are! It was a rhetorical question.”
“Oh. You know who I am!?” Spider-Man finished brightly.
“Yeah, just... since when are you an Avenger?”
“Cap asked me. And hey, you don't say no to Cap!”
**
Tony shook himself a cocktail. He really hated missions with the Avengers, but it was the only way he could get any press these days. Pepper would probably try to tell him glory wasn't important, if she weren't busy canoodling with Steve. Tony shook the cocktail shaker harder. Maybe he should've hired an agent. Another one.
“Tony? That you?”
Great. The flag wonder. Tony resisted the urge to sigh. “Yeah. It is.”
Two thousand dollar suit and Steve looked better in a T-shirt and jeans. “I just wanted to talk to you about the team.”
“Yeah, what about it?”
“Do you have some sort of problem with me?”
“Yes.” Tony took off his sunglasses. “You’re perfect. You solve every problem without a drop of sweat. You don’t have an ounce of cynicism or irony in your body, yet no one laughs at you. You take my secretary out to dinner, have my best friend as a fanboy, and even the goddamn computer likes you. You’re just… damn… irritating!”
Steve smiled. “Oh, thank God. For a moment there, I was worried this would be awkward.”
“Awkward how?”
“Well, if you liked me, how ungracious would it be for me to think you were a misogynistic, philandering, foul-mouthed, irresponsible playboy who likes to play superhero to assuage his own guilt over his immoral business practices?”
“Foul-mouthed? Hey, fuck you!”
Steve pointed a finger at him. “That’s exactly the kind of attitude we don’t need. You should take a page from Spider-Man’s book.”
“He dresses up like a bug!”
“And you just act like one.”
“That’s it! You go get your gay little shield, I’ll get my badass armor, and we’ll settle this like men!”
***
Fury paced in front of them. “I honestly cannot believe the two of you. What the hell were you thinking?”
“I would just like to point out that he called me misogynistic,” Tony said.
“You called me irritating!”
“Both of you shut up! Now, while I think of an explanation for why America’s two top heroes were at each others’ throats up and down Sunset Boulevard…”
“Rush hour traffic?” Tony suggested.
“The two of you can just cool down and learn from Thor’s good example.”
“Thor?” “Thor?”
The God of Thunder walked by, chatting with SHIELD agent Sharon Carter. “My lass, were all mortals but as fetching as you, the beauty of Asgard would find itself long-abandoned for the gates of Midgard!”
Sharon giggled coquettishly.
Steve and Tony watched them go.
“Pretty boy,” Tony groused.
“Prima donna,” Steve complained.
“Truce until we get the newbie sorted out?”
“Oh yeah.”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-02-06 03:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-06 03:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-06 03:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-06 03:28 pm (UTC)I wholeheartedly support the "make this canon immediately" suggestion.
no subject
Date: 2009-02-06 03:31 pm (UTC)This was just... yeah, canon, right now, because... yeah, this.
no subject
Date: 2009-02-06 04:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-06 04:17 pm (UTC)I also love how they so easily set their differences aside once Thor stepped into their lime-light!
A wonderful fic all around. Thanks so much for posting it. I needed a good laugh.
no subject
Date: 2009-02-06 04:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-06 04:42 pm (UTC)I love it so much. And it reminds me so much of how me and some friends' RP is playing out.
May the movie be so! This I command!
Date: 2009-02-06 05:01 pm (UTC)Well done!
Re: May the movie be so! This I command!
Date: 2009-02-10 03:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-06 05:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-06 05:38 pm (UTC)lol Steve XD
and dude THOR YES
no subject
Date: 2009-02-06 05:57 pm (UTC)Good story is good.
There you go. Also, just... wow.
no subject
Date: 2009-02-07 05:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-06 06:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-06 06:33 pm (UTC)And... can we get a sequel?
no subject
Date: 2009-02-07 05:03 am (UTC)Dark and eldritch deals with beings of unspeakable horror and unthinkable desires... err, I mean, I took a creative writing class. Yeah, creative writing.
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2009-02-06 08:30 pm (UTC)"My lass, were all mortals but as fetching as you, the beauty of Asgard would find itself long-abandoned for the gates of Midgard!"
Who knew Thor could be so smooth! LOL
no subject
Date: 2009-02-06 08:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-06 08:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-06 09:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-06 09:42 pm (UTC)This is wonderful.
no subject
Date: 2009-02-06 09:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-06 11:08 pm (UTC)brava XD
no subject
Date: 2009-02-06 11:59 pm (UTC)Thor! hee! And of course he winds up macking on Steve's love interest!
no subject
Date: 2009-02-07 12:13 am (UTC)“Well, if you liked me, how ungracious would it be for me to think you were a misogynistic, philandering, foul-mouthed, irresponsible playboy who likes to play superhero to assuage his own guilt over his immoral business practices?”
*dies* PERFECT.
no subject
Date: 2009-02-10 03:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-07 01:04 am (UTC)