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seriousficLook, you know this is crap, and I know this is crap, and the only thing surprising about this is how little Hollywood has for Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh to do. So here's a lengthy recap in which I mock the bad, bad movie. Enjoy!
Narrator: Way back when, Emperor Han was conquering China. Remember the movie Hero? It was kinda like that.
Han realizes he’s aging, which gets in the way of his plan to rule the world. As karate-chopping Death is a risky prospect, he sends someone to investigate a witch rumored to know the secret of eternal life.
Audience: Wait, who’d he send?
Han: IDK, my BFF Ming?
Ming discovers Zi Juan (Michelle Yeoh), who shocks him by being a BABE.
Han: Zi Juan, Ming, go up to that secret library place and bring me back the secret of eternal life. And it had better not be something douche-y like “let yourself be remembered by the people you love”. Also, Ming, don’t let anyone give her hot dickings. I’m appointing myself emperor… of that booty.
Ming: Really? She’s getting on in years. Couldn’t you have a harem of twenty-something bisexual nymphomaniacs or something?
Han: This is written by the creators of Smallville and there’s an Asian woman. What do you think’s going to happen?
Shockingly, Ming falls in love with Zi Juan. And GETS BUSY. They also uncover the secret of eternal youth, but we skip all that boring research to get to the (mildly more) interesting stuff.
Dan Brown: Aww nerts.
Han: Zi Juan, you have made me immortal. I like that in a woman. What can I do to repay you? And keep in mind, Han’s having a two-for-one sale on HOT DICKINGS.
Zi Juan: I want to spend the rest of my life with Ming.
MING-BLOCKED!
Han: So you shall. Although I’m not even a good enough villain to make an ominous joke about how I’ll be killing you soon. Now, immortal me up!
She does. Then Han has Ming ripped apart by wild horses (though when Ming comes back as a zombie, for some reason he only has one arm missing. CONTINUITY!).
Zi Juan: Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!
Han: And now to make you my bride. No comeuppance!
Zi Juan: Actually, that immortality spell? I actually cursed you to turn into a mummy.
Han: Whoa. It’s a good thing I betrayed you, otherwise this whole thing would be really awkward.
Zi Juan: Tell me about it. Boy, would my face be red.
Narrator: The Emperor and his army were all turned into clay statues. Zi Juan was stabbed, but she rode off into the mountains and was saved by Yetis, who took her to Shangri-La where she was made immortal.
Audience: Wha huh?
Narrator: Uh, maybe we’ll save that bit for later.
With this overlong prologue done, we go to Rick doing the not-at-all-dated comedy bit of being at an uncomfortably close angle while he says a tough guy line, but then it turns out to be something totally innocuous.
Rick: Ho ho ho, I’m such a manly American that I completely flail about at any attempt to do something hoity-toity and British… like fishing.
Audience: Really?
Rick somehow manages to get a fishing hook embedded in his neck for several scenes. Finally, the comedic potential of grotesque bodily harm is explored!
Meanwhile, Evelyn is reading from her book to a bunch of hot and bothered women. This scene doesn’t go anywhere near as fun as you’re thinking.
Fangirl: Miss O’Connell, is it true you used to look like Rachel Weisz?
Evelyn: Next question!
Other Fangirl: Wouldn’t this subplot be funnier if you, the bookish aristocrat, were producing pulp adventure stories instead of girlish romances based on your adventures, so that there would be more of a contrast?
Evelyn: But I’m a girl! All I can write about is romance and stuff! Now, I know you’re all clamoring for my next book.
Fangirl: Not really. In fact, we kinda got bored of the whole thing once you wrote that book about the backstory of the half-scorpion CGI pro wrestler from your second book.
Evelyn: Oh, come off it, who says you need to be self-aware to be metafictional?
Evelyn goes home, where there is a PRIM AND PROPER ENGLISH BUTLER around just to have his metaphorical monocle pop out at the O’Connells' wacky shenanigans.
Rick: Our relationship is suffering because of how bored we are, as shown by our lack of a sex life because the only way Hollywood can depict a faltering relationship is pretty people not having sex. For instance, I want to have sex, but she’s busy trying to write a third book in her series!
Evelyn: Why’d I even promise my publishers a third book if my novels are based on my real-life adventures, of which I only had two? Oh, and I want to have sex, but Rick’s asleep! That’s not at all overplayed and unfunny!
Rick: Couldn’t you just… wake me up to have sex?
Evelyn: No!
Rick: I wonder how our son from the second movie is doing.
In China, Alex is leading a dig with Professor JIM BROADBENT!
Alex: It sure is great that I’m able to teach audiences what the Rick O’Connell character would be like without any of the charm and with a lot of unearned smugness. Hey, are you really Jim Broadbent?
Professor: No, but the Blue Fairy says that if I listen to Jiminy Cricket, one day she’ll make me a real British character actor.
They discover the tomb of the Dragon Emperor.
Alex: Hey, that’s catchy.
Not really.
Alex: Let’s be careful in there. (draws gun)
Professor: Yes, doubly careful. (draws gun)
Native Bearer: What do you think you’ll have to shoot at in a tomb that’s been buried for two thousand years?
Alex: … (shoots native bearer)
They go through improbable traps until all the native bearers have died.
Alex: NOOOOOOOOOO!
Professor: They knew the job of being non-white was dangerous when they took it.
Alex: Okay then, sucks to be them.
They solve a ridiculously easy puzzle, then descend to find Emperor Han’s casket.
Alex: This is a much better find than the army of perfectly preserved clay statues ten feet above me!
Suddenly, out of the blue, a ninja attacks.
Flash: Thank God.
After some perfunctory fighting in which it comes out that the ninja is a PRETTY GIRL, and thus Alex will be sticking HIS DICK IN HER at some point in the proceedings, the Professor drives her off with bullets.
Alex: Wait a minute… who went to all the trouble of moving the Emperor and his army down here then setting all the traps?
Zi Juan: Presumably, I did, after casting a spell that would easily allow him to return and force me and mine to spend centuries guarding him.
Audience: Couldn’t you have just… killed him? Like, for real? And how many undead armies does this universe have lying around anyway?
Zi Juan: Look! More stuff happening!
Back in England, Rick and Evelyn are given a chance of taking a beautiful McGuffin back to China.
Rick: My, it sure is convenient that all three members of our family are involved in this plot. What a crazy random happenstance.
Evelyn: Four. My brother owns a nightclub there.
For some reason, it’s themed around the Mummy from the first two movies, that tried to kill Jonathan several times and gruesomely killed several people he knew right in front of him. For some reason, Jonathan likes being reminded of this on a daily basis.
Alex: Hey uncle Jonathan, I’m here to get drunk and get laid.
Rick: Hey bro, me and your sister are here to say hi while we deliver this vital McGuffin to the Chinese government.
Jonathan: My, imagine all the crazy shenanigans that could arise from this unlikely circumstance!
None do.
Mad Dog: Grr! Your son had better keep his hands off my girl!
Rick: Mad Dog? Why, I know you from the war! How’ve you been, you old son of a gun?
Mad Dog: Fine. Say, if you need someone to fly an airplane for you later in the movie, just call me.
Rick: My, it’s amazing how your character is so completely different from the pilot in the first movie.
Mad Dog: Yes, it really is, isn’t it?
One boring family subplot later, it turns out that the evil General Yang is plotting to raise the Dragon Emperor to bring order to China. He’s also arranged for the O’Connells to come to China so that Evelyn can translate the writing on the McGuffin.
Evelyn: What, you couldn’t find anyone who could speak ancient Chinese IN CHINA?
Yang: This was before Monster.com launched.
Professor: Also, I’m betraying you.
Rick: Does it have any bearing on the plot?
Professor: Not really, no.
Lin: (aka girl ninja) Oh, and I’m basically playing the Ardeth Bay part from the first two movies, only I’m a hot chick.
Alex: Who says there’s no originality in Hollywood?
Through various stupidity, the Dragon Emperor is resurrected. He takes Yang along to serve him, but kills the Professor. Because he’s mean or something.
Rick: Even though in the other two movies, it took a series of elaborate circumstances to kill the Mummy, let’s chase after this one in the hopes that it’ll die if I shoot it a lot.
Evelyn: We should probably avoid making comments about how many times this has happened before, lest the audience realize what a rehash this is.
Rick: But I really hate mummies!
CANNED LAUGHTER.
There is a long chase in which the kung-fu mummy spin-kicks away a giant firecracker. Somewhere, Chris Sims creams his pants.
Lin: Only this dagger can kill the Dragon Emperor!
Alex: Why?
Lin: …because it’s covered in cinnamon swirls?
Everyone fails to accomplish anything of value, while the Dragon Emperor gets away.
Lin: Now that the Emperor is loose, he will take the McGuffin to a temple in the mountains, where it will show him the way to Shangri-La. There, he will become EVEN MORE invincible and gain the power to perform Bestialities. But with his army raised from the dead, they’ll have to cross the Great Wall to become unstoppable.
Rick: So, basically we can fail five or six times to stop him and we’ll still be in the green?
Lin: I set the difficulty on easy.
Rick: Shame we can’t skip the cutscenes. Like these ones right here.
***
Evelyn: Alex, be careful about Lin. She got shot right in the chest and shrugged it off. You should probably be suspicious about that.
Alex: Mom, I have a lot of experience with women!
Evelyn: …can we just end the scene here or can you go on for a while talking about sex to your mom?
Alex: …let’s just pretend it ended here.
***
Rick: These guns I’ve brought are superior because they’re big and loud!
Alex: These guns I brought are superior because they have more stamina and know how to find the clitoris!
Rick: …did this father and son tension suddenly turn into a highly literal dick-measuring contest?
Alex: Let’s pretend this scene never happened either.
Rick: Let’s.
***
Lin: It would never work out between us.
Alex: Yeah. You protect tombs, I raid them. You like ancient knives, I’m into guns.
Lin: …is the writer making a joke or was that an actual line from the movie?
Alex: You know what, let’s just say the audience should go to the bathroom during this whole section of the movie.
Lin: And miss out on all our sexual tension?
Alex: I have more sexual tension with my PARENTS!
***
At long last, the Dragon Emperor and Yang’s men arrive to kick ass and eat sushi… and it’s been fifteen minutes since they ate sushi, so they’re hungry again!
Rick: Plan A, repel the army and the invincible mummy. Plan B, blow up the temple so they can’t use it to get to Shangri-La.
Audience: Why don’t you just blow up the temple in the first place?
Lin: I’ll call on the Yetis to explain this to the audience.
The Yetis start killinating the Chinese soldiers, because if you introduce a supernatural menace, it’s best if they’re on the heroes’ side so there’s no icky suspense or danger.
Dragon Emperor: What is this bullshit?
Audience: Hey, a kung-fu mummy fighting Yetis. This could be interesting.
Dragon Emperor: RRRR!
Yetis: Run away! Run away!
Audience: So, why were the Yetis CGI instead of men in suits?
Jonathan: Don’t worry, I’ll blow up the dynamite we set while we’re as close as possible to the possible explosion!
He fails.
Dragon Emperor: Now to find out where Shangri-La is. (fires up Mapquest, prints-out route.)
Alex: Don’t worry, I’ll save the day by flinging this explosive in the opposite direction!
Dragon Emperor: Improper handling of explosive material angers me! Have sword!
Rick: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Alex: Dad! You took a sword for me?
Rick: And I would not do that again! It hurts like a mother!
The explosion starts an avalanche. Luckily, the Dragon Emperor manages to hold it back with his magical powers.
Lin: LEEEROY JEEEEEEEENKINS!
Dragon Emperor: You know, if you try to stab me now, I won’t be able to…
Avalanche falls. Everyone lives. (!)
It’s thanks to the deus ex yetis, who cover everyone with their bodies except for the Dragon Emperor and Yang, who lives anyway.
Yang: My twin brother Yin died in an avalanche :(
Alex: My father’s dying! If that happens, we may have to act!
Lin: Quick, let’s get him to Shangri-La.
They do, where Zi Juan is waiting.
Zi Juan: Daughter!
Lin: Mom!
Alex: So, Lin is going to age into Michelle Yeoh. Well, alright!
Lin: That’s why we can never be together. You’d grow old and died while I stayed immortal.
Alex: Couldn’t I just have a quick dip in God’s Bathwater and become immortal too?
Lin: No, that’s far too logical for a movie like this.
Rick is healed by God’s Bathwater and get smoochies from Evelyn. Alex walks in on this and is far too happy about it.
Rick: Alex, it’s time for our conflict subplot to pay off.
Alex: Okay. Start it up, guys.
Orchestra: (starts tinkling piano chimes)
Alex: I… I love you dad.
Rick: I love you too, son!
Alex: Now let’s stop the Dragon Emperor from getting God’s Bathwater!
Five seconds later…
Dragon Emperor: Pwned.
Rick: Okay, seriously, are we even trying here?
The Dragon Emperor turns into a literal dragon and kidnaps Lin. To become his bride. Because that worked out so well last time.
Audience: What an original direction for the plot to take. I’d never predict that the female love interest would be taken hostage. WOW.
Zi Juan: Don’t lose hope. The Dragon Emperor conveniently buried his enemies under the Great Wall and cursed them, so I can bring them back to kick his ass.
Rick: …okay, did NO ONE in ancient China think to just kill someone when they got pissed off?
Alex: Yeah, and you can raise an army of the undead, but you can’t kill someone instead of cursing him with superpowers?
Zi Juan: Look, fuck you, alright, fuck you. Did I star in George of the Jungle? No. Shut the fuck up!
The Dragon Emperor returns to the eponymous tomb, where Yang’s men are waiting. His army returns from the grave.
Zi Juan: As soon as they cross the Great Wall, they’ll be invincible!
Rick: Let’s hope he decides to do something stupid first, like give a speech about how evil it is and what a bad thing it would be if he were to win.
Dragon Emperor: Blah blah blah bring order to the world blah blah blah eliminate freedom blah blah blah kill without mercy blah blah blah bake pies out of puppies.
Rick: Whoa. Uhh… “Let’s hope in the fourth movie, they recast Angelina Jolie as my wife. And she has a lengthy nude scene.”
The first army of CGI zombies fights the second army of CGI zombies while Alex rescues Lin and Zi Juan fights the Dragon Emperor. Oh, and Rick and Evelyn fight zombies too. With guns. And witty dialogue like “I really hate mummies!”
Zi Juan: I will stop you!
Dragon Emperor: Yeah. The female Asian supporting character is going to stop the Big Bad. Do you even watch movies?
Zi Juan: I can at least sacrifice myself to steal the McGuffin from you!
Dragon Emperor: Which one?
Zi Juan: The one that kills you if it pierces your heart!
Dragon Emperor: Oh. Why am I holding onto that instead of just destroying it, given that later in the movie it actually is broken?
Zi Juan: There’s a perfectly rational and valid explanation that I’ll tell you about right now. (dies)
Lin: MOM! Ooh, hey, a dagger! Shiny!
Alex: With that, we can kill the Dragon Emperor! Lin, you stay here and fight a tertiary villain with my mom. Dad, let’s go kill that bastard then kick back for some football.
Rick: I’ll get the chips. Oh, and kill the bastard.
They’re chased by General Yang in a jeep, but Jonathan drops a bomb on him before a car chase through a battle of undead armies can get interesting.
Yang: Amazing how I’m able to survive a car exploding with me in it.
Lin: Oh, hey, a tertiary villain.
Evelyn: Let’s fight him and his femme fatale sidekick, who’s so unimportant she hasn’t even been mentioned in this recap so far.
Sidekick: I have a scar. Cuz I’m evil.
Dragon Emperor: Now that I’m in the Great Wall, I’ll do… something to neutralize the other army.
Special Effects Department: GAK!
Rick: Eat dagger!
Dagger: GAK!
Rick: Well shit.
Dragon Emperor: I can turn into any monster I choose! Did you really think you could beat me?
Rick: Where’s your honor? Fight me like a man!
Dragon Emperor: Well, up to now I’ve broken every promise I’ve made and used every trick I could instead of fighting fair, but thanks for pointing out my honor. I’m Chinese, so I guess I’d better fight you with kung-fu. Racist.
Rick manages to distract the Dragon Emperor with a fistfight until Alex stabs him in the back with the broken dagger.
Rick: Go honor!
Dragon Emperor: Once Upon A Time In China seems like such a long time ago… GAK!
The bad CGI zombies explode. Then the good CGI zombies explode, but in a nicer way. Also, Zi Juan has given up her family’s immortality to raise the undead, so now Alex and Lin can date without having to confront any messy issues or compromise in any way.
Evelyn: I am so turned on by seeing my loved ones hurt and in danger, and having had to kill all those rogue Chinese soldiers. Let’s make mad, passionate love!
Rick: Well. I guess this whole mummy thing worked out for the best.
Jonathan: Not for me! I hate mummies! I’m going someplace where there aren’t any mummies! Hello Peru!
Audience: (crickets chirp)
Jonathan: Oh, there are mummies in Peru.
Audience: Ha! Jokes are hilarious when you have to explain them!
Narrator: Way back when, Emperor Han was conquering China. Remember the movie Hero? It was kinda like that.
Han realizes he’s aging, which gets in the way of his plan to rule the world. As karate-chopping Death is a risky prospect, he sends someone to investigate a witch rumored to know the secret of eternal life.
Audience: Wait, who’d he send?
Han: IDK, my BFF Ming?
Ming discovers Zi Juan (Michelle Yeoh), who shocks him by being a BABE.
Han: Zi Juan, Ming, go up to that secret library place and bring me back the secret of eternal life. And it had better not be something douche-y like “let yourself be remembered by the people you love”. Also, Ming, don’t let anyone give her hot dickings. I’m appointing myself emperor… of that booty.
Ming: Really? She’s getting on in years. Couldn’t you have a harem of twenty-something bisexual nymphomaniacs or something?
Han: This is written by the creators of Smallville and there’s an Asian woman. What do you think’s going to happen?
Shockingly, Ming falls in love with Zi Juan. And GETS BUSY. They also uncover the secret of eternal youth, but we skip all that boring research to get to the (mildly more) interesting stuff.
Dan Brown: Aww nerts.
Han: Zi Juan, you have made me immortal. I like that in a woman. What can I do to repay you? And keep in mind, Han’s having a two-for-one sale on HOT DICKINGS.
Zi Juan: I want to spend the rest of my life with Ming.
MING-BLOCKED!
Han: So you shall. Although I’m not even a good enough villain to make an ominous joke about how I’ll be killing you soon. Now, immortal me up!
She does. Then Han has Ming ripped apart by wild horses (though when Ming comes back as a zombie, for some reason he only has one arm missing. CONTINUITY!).
Zi Juan: Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!
Han: And now to make you my bride. No comeuppance!
Zi Juan: Actually, that immortality spell? I actually cursed you to turn into a mummy.
Han: Whoa. It’s a good thing I betrayed you, otherwise this whole thing would be really awkward.
Zi Juan: Tell me about it. Boy, would my face be red.
Narrator: The Emperor and his army were all turned into clay statues. Zi Juan was stabbed, but she rode off into the mountains and was saved by Yetis, who took her to Shangri-La where she was made immortal.
Audience: Wha huh?
Narrator: Uh, maybe we’ll save that bit for later.
With this overlong prologue done, we go to Rick doing the not-at-all-dated comedy bit of being at an uncomfortably close angle while he says a tough guy line, but then it turns out to be something totally innocuous.
Rick: Ho ho ho, I’m such a manly American that I completely flail about at any attempt to do something hoity-toity and British… like fishing.
Audience: Really?
Rick somehow manages to get a fishing hook embedded in his neck for several scenes. Finally, the comedic potential of grotesque bodily harm is explored!
Meanwhile, Evelyn is reading from her book to a bunch of hot and bothered women. This scene doesn’t go anywhere near as fun as you’re thinking.
Fangirl: Miss O’Connell, is it true you used to look like Rachel Weisz?
Evelyn: Next question!
Other Fangirl: Wouldn’t this subplot be funnier if you, the bookish aristocrat, were producing pulp adventure stories instead of girlish romances based on your adventures, so that there would be more of a contrast?
Evelyn: But I’m a girl! All I can write about is romance and stuff! Now, I know you’re all clamoring for my next book.
Fangirl: Not really. In fact, we kinda got bored of the whole thing once you wrote that book about the backstory of the half-scorpion CGI pro wrestler from your second book.
Evelyn: Oh, come off it, who says you need to be self-aware to be metafictional?
Evelyn goes home, where there is a PRIM AND PROPER ENGLISH BUTLER around just to have his metaphorical monocle pop out at the O’Connells' wacky shenanigans.
Rick: Our relationship is suffering because of how bored we are, as shown by our lack of a sex life because the only way Hollywood can depict a faltering relationship is pretty people not having sex. For instance, I want to have sex, but she’s busy trying to write a third book in her series!
Evelyn: Why’d I even promise my publishers a third book if my novels are based on my real-life adventures, of which I only had two? Oh, and I want to have sex, but Rick’s asleep! That’s not at all overplayed and unfunny!
Rick: Couldn’t you just… wake me up to have sex?
Evelyn: No!
Rick: I wonder how our son from the second movie is doing.
In China, Alex is leading a dig with Professor JIM BROADBENT!
Alex: It sure is great that I’m able to teach audiences what the Rick O’Connell character would be like without any of the charm and with a lot of unearned smugness. Hey, are you really Jim Broadbent?
Professor: No, but the Blue Fairy says that if I listen to Jiminy Cricket, one day she’ll make me a real British character actor.
They discover the tomb of the Dragon Emperor.
Alex: Hey, that’s catchy.
Not really.
Alex: Let’s be careful in there. (draws gun)
Professor: Yes, doubly careful. (draws gun)
Native Bearer: What do you think you’ll have to shoot at in a tomb that’s been buried for two thousand years?
Alex: … (shoots native bearer)
They go through improbable traps until all the native bearers have died.
Alex: NOOOOOOOOOO!
Professor: They knew the job of being non-white was dangerous when they took it.
Alex: Okay then, sucks to be them.
They solve a ridiculously easy puzzle, then descend to find Emperor Han’s casket.
Alex: This is a much better find than the army of perfectly preserved clay statues ten feet above me!
Suddenly, out of the blue, a ninja attacks.
Flash: Thank God.
After some perfunctory fighting in which it comes out that the ninja is a PRETTY GIRL, and thus Alex will be sticking HIS DICK IN HER at some point in the proceedings, the Professor drives her off with bullets.
Alex: Wait a minute… who went to all the trouble of moving the Emperor and his army down here then setting all the traps?
Zi Juan: Presumably, I did, after casting a spell that would easily allow him to return and force me and mine to spend centuries guarding him.
Audience: Couldn’t you have just… killed him? Like, for real? And how many undead armies does this universe have lying around anyway?
Zi Juan: Look! More stuff happening!
Back in England, Rick and Evelyn are given a chance of taking a beautiful McGuffin back to China.
Rick: My, it sure is convenient that all three members of our family are involved in this plot. What a crazy random happenstance.
Evelyn: Four. My brother owns a nightclub there.
For some reason, it’s themed around the Mummy from the first two movies, that tried to kill Jonathan several times and gruesomely killed several people he knew right in front of him. For some reason, Jonathan likes being reminded of this on a daily basis.
Alex: Hey uncle Jonathan, I’m here to get drunk and get laid.
Rick: Hey bro, me and your sister are here to say hi while we deliver this vital McGuffin to the Chinese government.
Jonathan: My, imagine all the crazy shenanigans that could arise from this unlikely circumstance!
None do.
Mad Dog: Grr! Your son had better keep his hands off my girl!
Rick: Mad Dog? Why, I know you from the war! How’ve you been, you old son of a gun?
Mad Dog: Fine. Say, if you need someone to fly an airplane for you later in the movie, just call me.
Rick: My, it’s amazing how your character is so completely different from the pilot in the first movie.
Mad Dog: Yes, it really is, isn’t it?
One boring family subplot later, it turns out that the evil General Yang is plotting to raise the Dragon Emperor to bring order to China. He’s also arranged for the O’Connells to come to China so that Evelyn can translate the writing on the McGuffin.
Evelyn: What, you couldn’t find anyone who could speak ancient Chinese IN CHINA?
Yang: This was before Monster.com launched.
Professor: Also, I’m betraying you.
Rick: Does it have any bearing on the plot?
Professor: Not really, no.
Lin: (aka girl ninja) Oh, and I’m basically playing the Ardeth Bay part from the first two movies, only I’m a hot chick.
Alex: Who says there’s no originality in Hollywood?
Through various stupidity, the Dragon Emperor is resurrected. He takes Yang along to serve him, but kills the Professor. Because he’s mean or something.
Rick: Even though in the other two movies, it took a series of elaborate circumstances to kill the Mummy, let’s chase after this one in the hopes that it’ll die if I shoot it a lot.
Evelyn: We should probably avoid making comments about how many times this has happened before, lest the audience realize what a rehash this is.
Rick: But I really hate mummies!
CANNED LAUGHTER.
There is a long chase in which the kung-fu mummy spin-kicks away a giant firecracker. Somewhere, Chris Sims creams his pants.
Lin: Only this dagger can kill the Dragon Emperor!
Alex: Why?
Lin: …because it’s covered in cinnamon swirls?
Everyone fails to accomplish anything of value, while the Dragon Emperor gets away.
Lin: Now that the Emperor is loose, he will take the McGuffin to a temple in the mountains, where it will show him the way to Shangri-La. There, he will become EVEN MORE invincible and gain the power to perform Bestialities. But with his army raised from the dead, they’ll have to cross the Great Wall to become unstoppable.
Rick: So, basically we can fail five or six times to stop him and we’ll still be in the green?
Lin: I set the difficulty on easy.
Rick: Shame we can’t skip the cutscenes. Like these ones right here.
***
Evelyn: Alex, be careful about Lin. She got shot right in the chest and shrugged it off. You should probably be suspicious about that.
Alex: Mom, I have a lot of experience with women!
Evelyn: …can we just end the scene here or can you go on for a while talking about sex to your mom?
Alex: …let’s just pretend it ended here.
***
Rick: These guns I’ve brought are superior because they’re big and loud!
Alex: These guns I brought are superior because they have more stamina and know how to find the clitoris!
Rick: …did this father and son tension suddenly turn into a highly literal dick-measuring contest?
Alex: Let’s pretend this scene never happened either.
Rick: Let’s.
***
Lin: It would never work out between us.
Alex: Yeah. You protect tombs, I raid them. You like ancient knives, I’m into guns.
Lin: …is the writer making a joke or was that an actual line from the movie?
Alex: You know what, let’s just say the audience should go to the bathroom during this whole section of the movie.
Lin: And miss out on all our sexual tension?
Alex: I have more sexual tension with my PARENTS!
***
At long last, the Dragon Emperor and Yang’s men arrive to kick ass and eat sushi… and it’s been fifteen minutes since they ate sushi, so they’re hungry again!
Rick: Plan A, repel the army and the invincible mummy. Plan B, blow up the temple so they can’t use it to get to Shangri-La.
Audience: Why don’t you just blow up the temple in the first place?
Lin: I’ll call on the Yetis to explain this to the audience.
The Yetis start killinating the Chinese soldiers, because if you introduce a supernatural menace, it’s best if they’re on the heroes’ side so there’s no icky suspense or danger.
Dragon Emperor: What is this bullshit?
Audience: Hey, a kung-fu mummy fighting Yetis. This could be interesting.
Dragon Emperor: RRRR!
Yetis: Run away! Run away!
Audience: So, why were the Yetis CGI instead of men in suits?
Jonathan: Don’t worry, I’ll blow up the dynamite we set while we’re as close as possible to the possible explosion!
He fails.
Dragon Emperor: Now to find out where Shangri-La is. (fires up Mapquest, prints-out route.)
Alex: Don’t worry, I’ll save the day by flinging this explosive in the opposite direction!
Dragon Emperor: Improper handling of explosive material angers me! Have sword!
Rick: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Alex: Dad! You took a sword for me?
Rick: And I would not do that again! It hurts like a mother!
The explosion starts an avalanche. Luckily, the Dragon Emperor manages to hold it back with his magical powers.
Lin: LEEEROY JEEEEEEEENKINS!
Dragon Emperor: You know, if you try to stab me now, I won’t be able to…
Avalanche falls. Everyone lives. (!)
It’s thanks to the deus ex yetis, who cover everyone with their bodies except for the Dragon Emperor and Yang, who lives anyway.
Yang: My twin brother Yin died in an avalanche :(
Alex: My father’s dying! If that happens, we may have to act!
Lin: Quick, let’s get him to Shangri-La.
They do, where Zi Juan is waiting.
Zi Juan: Daughter!
Lin: Mom!
Alex: So, Lin is going to age into Michelle Yeoh. Well, alright!
Lin: That’s why we can never be together. You’d grow old and died while I stayed immortal.
Alex: Couldn’t I just have a quick dip in God’s Bathwater and become immortal too?
Lin: No, that’s far too logical for a movie like this.
Rick is healed by God’s Bathwater and get smoochies from Evelyn. Alex walks in on this and is far too happy about it.
Rick: Alex, it’s time for our conflict subplot to pay off.
Alex: Okay. Start it up, guys.
Orchestra: (starts tinkling piano chimes)
Alex: I… I love you dad.
Rick: I love you too, son!
Alex: Now let’s stop the Dragon Emperor from getting God’s Bathwater!
Five seconds later…
Dragon Emperor: Pwned.
Rick: Okay, seriously, are we even trying here?
The Dragon Emperor turns into a literal dragon and kidnaps Lin. To become his bride. Because that worked out so well last time.
Audience: What an original direction for the plot to take. I’d never predict that the female love interest would be taken hostage. WOW.
Zi Juan: Don’t lose hope. The Dragon Emperor conveniently buried his enemies under the Great Wall and cursed them, so I can bring them back to kick his ass.
Rick: …okay, did NO ONE in ancient China think to just kill someone when they got pissed off?
Alex: Yeah, and you can raise an army of the undead, but you can’t kill someone instead of cursing him with superpowers?
Zi Juan: Look, fuck you, alright, fuck you. Did I star in George of the Jungle? No. Shut the fuck up!
The Dragon Emperor returns to the eponymous tomb, where Yang’s men are waiting. His army returns from the grave.
Zi Juan: As soon as they cross the Great Wall, they’ll be invincible!
Rick: Let’s hope he decides to do something stupid first, like give a speech about how evil it is and what a bad thing it would be if he were to win.
Dragon Emperor: Blah blah blah bring order to the world blah blah blah eliminate freedom blah blah blah kill without mercy blah blah blah bake pies out of puppies.
Rick: Whoa. Uhh… “Let’s hope in the fourth movie, they recast Angelina Jolie as my wife. And she has a lengthy nude scene.”
The first army of CGI zombies fights the second army of CGI zombies while Alex rescues Lin and Zi Juan fights the Dragon Emperor. Oh, and Rick and Evelyn fight zombies too. With guns. And witty dialogue like “I really hate mummies!”
Zi Juan: I will stop you!
Dragon Emperor: Yeah. The female Asian supporting character is going to stop the Big Bad. Do you even watch movies?
Zi Juan: I can at least sacrifice myself to steal the McGuffin from you!
Dragon Emperor: Which one?
Zi Juan: The one that kills you if it pierces your heart!
Dragon Emperor: Oh. Why am I holding onto that instead of just destroying it, given that later in the movie it actually is broken?
Zi Juan: There’s a perfectly rational and valid explanation that I’ll tell you about right now. (dies)
Lin: MOM! Ooh, hey, a dagger! Shiny!
Alex: With that, we can kill the Dragon Emperor! Lin, you stay here and fight a tertiary villain with my mom. Dad, let’s go kill that bastard then kick back for some football.
Rick: I’ll get the chips. Oh, and kill the bastard.
They’re chased by General Yang in a jeep, but Jonathan drops a bomb on him before a car chase through a battle of undead armies can get interesting.
Yang: Amazing how I’m able to survive a car exploding with me in it.
Lin: Oh, hey, a tertiary villain.
Evelyn: Let’s fight him and his femme fatale sidekick, who’s so unimportant she hasn’t even been mentioned in this recap so far.
Sidekick: I have a scar. Cuz I’m evil.
Dragon Emperor: Now that I’m in the Great Wall, I’ll do… something to neutralize the other army.
Special Effects Department: GAK!
Rick: Eat dagger!
Dagger: GAK!
Rick: Well shit.
Dragon Emperor: I can turn into any monster I choose! Did you really think you could beat me?
Rick: Where’s your honor? Fight me like a man!
Dragon Emperor: Well, up to now I’ve broken every promise I’ve made and used every trick I could instead of fighting fair, but thanks for pointing out my honor. I’m Chinese, so I guess I’d better fight you with kung-fu. Racist.
Rick manages to distract the Dragon Emperor with a fistfight until Alex stabs him in the back with the broken dagger.
Rick: Go honor!
Dragon Emperor: Once Upon A Time In China seems like such a long time ago… GAK!
The bad CGI zombies explode. Then the good CGI zombies explode, but in a nicer way. Also, Zi Juan has given up her family’s immortality to raise the undead, so now Alex and Lin can date without having to confront any messy issues or compromise in any way.
Evelyn: I am so turned on by seeing my loved ones hurt and in danger, and having had to kill all those rogue Chinese soldiers. Let’s make mad, passionate love!
Rick: Well. I guess this whole mummy thing worked out for the best.
Jonathan: Not for me! I hate mummies! I’m going someplace where there aren’t any mummies! Hello Peru!
Audience: (crickets chirp)
Jonathan: Oh, there are mummies in Peru.
Audience: Ha! Jokes are hilarious when you have to explain them!
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no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 12:40 am (UTC)See, that's what happens when you take the Vosloo away (Scorpion King, and now this).
Thanks for the warning.
DragonLady
m3
Date: 2008-08-13 05:59 am (UTC)Peter Travers
Rolling Stone
http://www.rollingstone.com/reviews/movie/22126971/review/22126827/the _mummy_tomb_of_the_dragon_emperor
martial-arts superstar Jet Li triumphs as the mostly wordless evil Emperor Han of ancient China, a glowing magma spirit locked in a terra cotta shell.
Jane Horwitz
Washington Post
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/07/31/AR2008 073100734.html
Still, Li makes a great villain, using his powers to create fire, ice and other elements.
Edward Douglas
Coming Soon
http://www.comingsoon.net/news/weekendwarriornews.php?id=47377
Toward the end of The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh launch into a vigorous sword fight — and what a grand pleasure it is to watch these two world-class stars in action again...Their duel atop the Great Wall of China is a reunion of titans, an Old Timers' Day for two actor-athletes still in their sinuous prime. Forgive the effusions of an alter-kocker fanboy, but the flinty glamour of Li and Yeoh — buttressed by the stolid, sneering presence of top Hong Kong villain Anthony Wong Chau-sang (who in 1993 appeared in 15 films!) — is the best reason to catch this third in the series of Indiana Jones knockoffs.
Richard Corliss
TIME
http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1828343,00.html
A memorably badass Jet Li.
Nathan Rabin
AV Club