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seriousficTitle: Through A Scanners Homage Darkly
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: the Doctor, Donna (implied Doctor/Donna)
Word Count: 1,157
Timeline: Takes place shortly after 4x13, Journey’s End. SPOILERS.
Summary: Donna has a splitting headache.
Donna Noble was five minutes late getting to work on Saturday. She wasn’t too concerned about it, it being a Saturday and all, but her boss bulged his jowls and seemed somehow to make his hair poof out in nastiness.
“You, Donna Noble, are five minutes late!”
Donna hated the way he said her full name. “I’m sorry!” she said, making it clear she wasn’t sorry at all. “Every traffic light I found was red. Who elected you the Lord of Time, anyway? Wait… Lord of Time… Time Lord… Doctor… OH MY GOD!”
And then her head exploded.
***
The Doctor was having a perfectly wonderful time playing with some children on Adipose 3 when his phone rang. He could just tell it was Wilf, and not just because he’d assigned a ring-tone to him (Talking Heads, “Once In A Lifetime,” because he needed cheering up when Wilf called). “Hello?” he answered.
“Donna’s head just exploded.”
“What, again?”
***
The Doctor finished rerouting the traffic grid so that Donna would hit only green lights on her way to work. He turned around to see Wilf and Sylvia. Wilf looked concerned, Sylvia was watching the lottery.
“I can’t stress this enough! You cannot let her remember anything or the sum total of my knowledge will explode her head like… like…”
“A cherry bomb dropped in a toilet?” Wilf suggested.
The Doctor snapped his fingers. “Yes, that, yes.”
“Sum total of knowledge, heh!” Sylvia snorted. “All that thinking and your entire plan is to keep traveling back in time to stop her from dying?”
“It’s a lot more subtle than that, you know.”
***
Two weeks later (by Earth-time), the Doctor was back on Earth to help with a rather nasty Cybermen invasion. The solution involved a pitched battle between ordinary people with golden bullets commandeered from UNIT. He was just giving his rallying speech when he spotted Donna Noble in the crowd. Oh. Great.
“And who are you anyway, giving out orders like this?” she demanded.
“Uh, I’m… the Professor?”
His entire day felt really weird after that, everyone calling him the Professor.
***
“Donna, come look at the TV!” Sylvia cried.
“What, what is it mum?”
“I got one of those new TeeVoos,” (and unbeknownst to her, this was a scheme by the Ice Warriors to enslave the Earth yet again). “Look, here’s the Olympics from a few years back.”
Donna came downstairs to see a thin man in a brown coat carrying the Olympic torch. “Say, that man looks awfully familiar… OH MY GOD!”
Her head exploded. The Doctor burst in through the front door. “Don’t—heck.”
Sylvia sipped her tea. “Oh, and when you go back in time to prevent this, could you give this letter to me?” She handed an envelope to the Doctor.
He ripped it open. “Lotto numbers!? You blew up your daughter’s head to win the lottery?”
“It was an accident.”
“You’re the worst mother ever!”
“I’ll buy her a pony with some of the lotto money.”
***
“BWAHAHAHA!” the Master laughed, once more holding the Earth in his clutches. “Once more I’ve proven that my intellect (and stunning good looks) is your superior in every way!”
“Oh, really?” the Doctor asked, kind of lackadaisically fiddling with his sonic screwdriver. “Bet you couldn’t figure out how to save a human with a Time Lord brain.”
“What?”
“Human, Time Lord brain?”
“That’s silly. That’s like saying I couldn’t make a burrito so hot that I couldn’t eat it.”
“I could do that,” the Doctor claimed.
“Well, have you tried wiping her memory?”
“Yeah, duh, genius. First thing I tried.”
“Hmmm…” the Master stroked his beard. “That’s a real pickle. Let me think about it a few weeks, I’ll get back to you.”
“Okay, and the world?”
“Meh, you can have it. I was bored with it anyway. Once you’ve built four giant statues of yourself, the fifth really isn’t too exciting.”
***
“I just can’t believe she’s gone,” John said. He was a thin man, athletic, with really great hair. He still seemed to be having a hard time accepting that his girlfriend’s head had exploded.
“John, I need to know the exact circumstances under which—“ the Doctor held his closed hands up to his head and then splayed his fingers out. “Ka-boom, you know?”
“We were just lying in bed, talking… oh God, never again to touch her sweet lips, her firm bosom, her…”
“Yes, yes, head-explosion?”
“I said that since I was only a day laborer, she would probably prefer to marry someone like a lawyer or a doctor…”
The Doctor gritted his teeth. “Right…”
“I know it’s shallow of me—”
“At least you’re not thinking of the lotto.”
“—but the thing I’ll miss most is the sex. She was just so passionate. ‘More, more, do you mind if my cousin watches, now it’s your turn to wear the handcuffs’…”
“How did you meet again?” the Doctor asked sweetly.
***
“And the guy looks just like me!” the Doctor groused into his beer.
Jack was confused. “But, wait, her head keeps exploding?”
“I’ve got a new companion, but it’s just not the same.”
“Really? What’s she like?”
“It could be a guy, you know.”
“So, blonde, twenties, hopelessly in love with you.”
The Doctor nodded. “Yeah, I’m pretty much going to dump her the next time there’s a galaxy-threatening catastrophe. Really, I’m just trying to…” His phone rang. “Oh hell.”
“You want I should get the scotch tape?”
***
“Doctor!” River Song shouted, having just finished tucking the virtual children in and turning off the virtual stove. “You’ve come back to me at long last, my one true love! I need your help. There was these strange men in dark suits who keep asking me about Neo…”
The Doctor looked around. “Wow. You got through all that without saying anything about spoilers.”
“What was that?”
“Nothing. Say, is there a book in here about how to save a human with a Time Lord brain?”
”We have Lobotomies: The Time-Life Edition and Lobotomies For Dummies.”
“…thanks for all the help.”
***
The Doctor paged through his sonic screwdriver operating manual, occasionally pausing to stare at his phone and dare it to ring.
“Hmm, broil shrimp… wish I fancied shrimp, then it could come in handy… carbonate beverage, I don’t even know what that means…” He slapped his forehead. “Erase Time Lord memories, how could I forget that?”
***
“So how long did it take you to figure this out?” Donna asked after staring into the sonic screwdriver for a few seconds.
“Oh, not long.”
Donna grabbed the sonic screwdriver and zapped him with it for a few seconds. He blinked.
“Uhm…”
“Doctor, you were just saying about how you were going to give me a foot massage.”
”I was?”
“Yes. Somehow about how Califrax was going to explode if you didn’t?”
“Explode!? Quick, Donna, take those shoes off!”
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: the Doctor, Donna (implied Doctor/Donna)
Word Count: 1,157
Timeline: Takes place shortly after 4x13, Journey’s End. SPOILERS.
Summary: Donna has a splitting headache.
Donna Noble was five minutes late getting to work on Saturday. She wasn’t too concerned about it, it being a Saturday and all, but her boss bulged his jowls and seemed somehow to make his hair poof out in nastiness.
“You, Donna Noble, are five minutes late!”
Donna hated the way he said her full name. “I’m sorry!” she said, making it clear she wasn’t sorry at all. “Every traffic light I found was red. Who elected you the Lord of Time, anyway? Wait… Lord of Time… Time Lord… Doctor… OH MY GOD!”
And then her head exploded.
***
The Doctor was having a perfectly wonderful time playing with some children on Adipose 3 when his phone rang. He could just tell it was Wilf, and not just because he’d assigned a ring-tone to him (Talking Heads, “Once In A Lifetime,” because he needed cheering up when Wilf called). “Hello?” he answered.
“Donna’s head just exploded.”
“What, again?”
***
The Doctor finished rerouting the traffic grid so that Donna would hit only green lights on her way to work. He turned around to see Wilf and Sylvia. Wilf looked concerned, Sylvia was watching the lottery.
“I can’t stress this enough! You cannot let her remember anything or the sum total of my knowledge will explode her head like… like…”
“A cherry bomb dropped in a toilet?” Wilf suggested.
The Doctor snapped his fingers. “Yes, that, yes.”
“Sum total of knowledge, heh!” Sylvia snorted. “All that thinking and your entire plan is to keep traveling back in time to stop her from dying?”
“It’s a lot more subtle than that, you know.”
***
Two weeks later (by Earth-time), the Doctor was back on Earth to help with a rather nasty Cybermen invasion. The solution involved a pitched battle between ordinary people with golden bullets commandeered from UNIT. He was just giving his rallying speech when he spotted Donna Noble in the crowd. Oh. Great.
“And who are you anyway, giving out orders like this?” she demanded.
“Uh, I’m… the Professor?”
His entire day felt really weird after that, everyone calling him the Professor.
***
“Donna, come look at the TV!” Sylvia cried.
“What, what is it mum?”
“I got one of those new TeeVoos,” (and unbeknownst to her, this was a scheme by the Ice Warriors to enslave the Earth yet again). “Look, here’s the Olympics from a few years back.”
Donna came downstairs to see a thin man in a brown coat carrying the Olympic torch. “Say, that man looks awfully familiar… OH MY GOD!”
Her head exploded. The Doctor burst in through the front door. “Don’t—heck.”
Sylvia sipped her tea. “Oh, and when you go back in time to prevent this, could you give this letter to me?” She handed an envelope to the Doctor.
He ripped it open. “Lotto numbers!? You blew up your daughter’s head to win the lottery?”
“It was an accident.”
“You’re the worst mother ever!”
“I’ll buy her a pony with some of the lotto money.”
***
“BWAHAHAHA!” the Master laughed, once more holding the Earth in his clutches. “Once more I’ve proven that my intellect (and stunning good looks) is your superior in every way!”
“Oh, really?” the Doctor asked, kind of lackadaisically fiddling with his sonic screwdriver. “Bet you couldn’t figure out how to save a human with a Time Lord brain.”
“What?”
“Human, Time Lord brain?”
“That’s silly. That’s like saying I couldn’t make a burrito so hot that I couldn’t eat it.”
“I could do that,” the Doctor claimed.
“Well, have you tried wiping her memory?”
“Yeah, duh, genius. First thing I tried.”
“Hmmm…” the Master stroked his beard. “That’s a real pickle. Let me think about it a few weeks, I’ll get back to you.”
“Okay, and the world?”
“Meh, you can have it. I was bored with it anyway. Once you’ve built four giant statues of yourself, the fifth really isn’t too exciting.”
***
“I just can’t believe she’s gone,” John said. He was a thin man, athletic, with really great hair. He still seemed to be having a hard time accepting that his girlfriend’s head had exploded.
“John, I need to know the exact circumstances under which—“ the Doctor held his closed hands up to his head and then splayed his fingers out. “Ka-boom, you know?”
“We were just lying in bed, talking… oh God, never again to touch her sweet lips, her firm bosom, her…”
“Yes, yes, head-explosion?”
“I said that since I was only a day laborer, she would probably prefer to marry someone like a lawyer or a doctor…”
The Doctor gritted his teeth. “Right…”
“I know it’s shallow of me—”
“At least you’re not thinking of the lotto.”
“—but the thing I’ll miss most is the sex. She was just so passionate. ‘More, more, do you mind if my cousin watches, now it’s your turn to wear the handcuffs’…”
“How did you meet again?” the Doctor asked sweetly.
***
“And the guy looks just like me!” the Doctor groused into his beer.
Jack was confused. “But, wait, her head keeps exploding?”
“I’ve got a new companion, but it’s just not the same.”
“Really? What’s she like?”
“It could be a guy, you know.”
“So, blonde, twenties, hopelessly in love with you.”
The Doctor nodded. “Yeah, I’m pretty much going to dump her the next time there’s a galaxy-threatening catastrophe. Really, I’m just trying to…” His phone rang. “Oh hell.”
“You want I should get the scotch tape?”
***
“Doctor!” River Song shouted, having just finished tucking the virtual children in and turning off the virtual stove. “You’ve come back to me at long last, my one true love! I need your help. There was these strange men in dark suits who keep asking me about Neo…”
The Doctor looked around. “Wow. You got through all that without saying anything about spoilers.”
“What was that?”
“Nothing. Say, is there a book in here about how to save a human with a Time Lord brain?”
”We have Lobotomies: The Time-Life Edition and Lobotomies For Dummies.”
“…thanks for all the help.”
***
The Doctor paged through his sonic screwdriver operating manual, occasionally pausing to stare at his phone and dare it to ring.
“Hmm, broil shrimp… wish I fancied shrimp, then it could come in handy… carbonate beverage, I don’t even know what that means…” He slapped his forehead. “Erase Time Lord memories, how could I forget that?”
***
“So how long did it take you to figure this out?” Donna asked after staring into the sonic screwdriver for a few seconds.
“Oh, not long.”
Donna grabbed the sonic screwdriver and zapped him with it for a few seconds. He blinked.
“Uhm…”
“Doctor, you were just saying about how you were going to give me a foot massage.”
”I was?”
“Yes. Somehow about how Califrax was going to explode if you didn’t?”
“Explode!? Quick, Donna, take those shoes off!”
