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seriousficTitle: Breathes Like Cotton!
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: The New Avengers, Mary-Jane Watson, Jessica Jones
Word Count: 1008
Summary: Tony Stark's newest scheme... an Avengers clothing line. It's enough to make his comrades long for the days of the SHRA.
“Good news, everyone!” Tony Stark said as he entered the rec room of the New Avengers.
“Futurama is back, we know, Parker only did that joke a thousand times,” Logan growled. He was in an antisocial mood, so instead of taking it out on Cyclops (as was his usual routine), he had yielded to Emma’s not-so-polite requests to stop tormenting her live-in boyfriend and instead, quote, “get your hairy Canadian ass over to your quilting club in Manhattan if you can’t play nice or I’ll tell everyone you slept with Paris Hilton,” end quote. So he had gone to Stark Tower, stolen Tony’s humidor, and started the relaxing process of smoking Cuban cigars while reading porn.
“No, not that, and are those my cigars?”
“Yes.”
“Okay then.” Tony untucked his suit jacket and began unbuttoning the shirt he wore under it. “I’m sure you’re all be happy to know that since I reformed the Avengers, revenue on our merchandise is tripled.”
“You reformed the Avengers?” Steve asked.
“I seem to recall doing that, yes.”
“I seem to recall helping. And by helping, I mean doing.”
“Yes, well, it’s my skyscraper we’re hanging out in and my cigars Wolverine is smoking.”
“Much obliged,” Logan said.
“Hence, my team. Hence, merchandise!” He threw open his now-unbuttoned shirt to reveal an Iron Man T-shirt beneath. “This looks like a job for Iron Man!”
Peter, just as bored as everyone else, looked up from his magazine. “But Iron Man wears armor, so would this be his sidekick, Cotton Man?”
“It’s a cotton/polyester blend, I’ll have you know.”
“Look, Tony, it’s not that we don’t care, it’s just that most of us aren’t interested in business,” Steve said.
“Which is why I’m going to do you all a favor.” He opened his briefcase. It was full of Iron Man clothes. “Free merchandising samples to everyone!”
“I don’t need clothes,” Logan said, then turned the page of that month’s Playboy. “Okay, I think I may need a new pair of underwear. Helloooo, Miss July…”
Peter, who was gathered around the suitcase with the rest of the (easily intrigued) Avengers, picked up a pair of Iron Man boxers. “Tony, I’m not sure I’m comfortable wearing undies with you on them.”
Tony frowned. “This is just to demonstrate the texture. You’ll get your own merchandise.” Not being petty, he didn’t mention that Spider-Man’s clothes were being outsold by Ronin’s. And no one even cared about Ronin.
Steve patted him on the back. “I’d wear your Iron Man underwear, Tony.”
“Thanks, Cap. That means a lot.”
“Whoa, my own clothing line,” Luke said. “I’m gonna be like Michael Jordan with Air Jordans, or Liz Tyler with her perfume!”
Tony smiled. “Yes! Yes! I do believe I even have a sample right here.”
Luke picked up his shirt. “…do you bitches not know the last time I said ‘Sweet Christmas’?”
“No, when?”
“Christmas!”
“It’s your slogan, Luke, it has to be on your shirt.”
“Oh yeah? And what’s your slogan? Drinks are on the house?”
Tony adjusted his tie. “I’m too cool to have a slogan.”
“You just can’t think of a good one,” Luke accused.
“Luke, Tony’s a super-genius. He could think up a good slogan if he wanted to,” Steve chided.
“Oh yeah? Prove it.”
Tony crossed his arms. “Fine. If I saw some supervillain threatening people or robbing a bank, I’d look at them real cool, cross my arms suavely, and say after a brief pause… uh… I’d say… ummm… Sweet Thanksgiving!”
***
“Check it out, MJ,” Peter said. “The amazing… spectacular… sensational… SPIDER-THONG!”
He pulled on the waistband pervily. Mary-Jane turned an eye to the thong, which had a webhead on the front.
“Sweetie, if I want your face on my crotch, all I have to do is ask.”
***
“Gotta admit,” Jessica Jones said, “this Luke Cage maternity bra does not irritate my nipples at all. And you know how sensitive my nipples get.”
Luke grumbled.
***
“I’m not sure I’m comfortable with having Old Glory being used as a clothing item,” Steve said of his clothes’ motif of red, white, and blue.
Tony clasped his hands together obsequiously. “Steve, let me assure you that these clothes are meant to honor our great country’s flag.”
“How does a jockstrap honor our flag?”
“Well, uhh… if you saluted it, maybe…”
“No.”
***
Ronin took a pair of panties.
“Ah, so you’re a woman!” Tony said to the mysterious ninja.
“Well, I like wearing their underwear, at least.”
***
Jessica Drew irritatedly sling-shot her pair of Spider-Woman panties at Tony Stark. They hit him in the head.
“Not that I don’t like having women’s underwear thrown at me, but what’s the occasion?”
“Those aren’t women’s underwear.”
“Is this about Ronin? Because I’ve tried following… it to see which bathroom Ronin uses, but the… person must have the bladder of a sperm whale.”
“No!” Jessica picked up another pair of panties. “These are just Spider-Man underwear with pink instead of blue! Look, they’ve got his webheads on them!”
“To be honest with you, Jess, there’s just not that much demand for Spider-Woman underwear, except on eBay. And believe me, those are two entirely different markets.”
Jessica pointed firmly to the webhead again. “Fix this, Stark. I am not having Spider-Man’s face on my crotch. What do I look like to you, Mary-Jane Watson?”
***
Robert Reynolds stared at a pair of briefs. “I do like how it has ‘the power of a thousand exploding suns’ written on the crotch.”
“Sorry, that’s my underwear,” Tony said. “I couldn’t think of a slogan, so I borrowed yours. ‘Who wants a goatee ride?’ didn’t test well. Apparently, women 18-35 would rather have Spider-Man’s face…”
“What’s my slogan, than?”
“Well, since you’re the Sentry, we thought these would be appropriate.”
Tony held up a pair of briefs with ‘I like to watch’ written on them.
“Screw it, I don’t wear underwear anyway.”
“That’s what Nick Fury said. I guess once a Howling Commando, always a Howling Commando.”
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: The New Avengers, Mary-Jane Watson, Jessica Jones
Word Count: 1008
Summary: Tony Stark's newest scheme... an Avengers clothing line. It's enough to make his comrades long for the days of the SHRA.
“Good news, everyone!” Tony Stark said as he entered the rec room of the New Avengers.
“Futurama is back, we know, Parker only did that joke a thousand times,” Logan growled. He was in an antisocial mood, so instead of taking it out on Cyclops (as was his usual routine), he had yielded to Emma’s not-so-polite requests to stop tormenting her live-in boyfriend and instead, quote, “get your hairy Canadian ass over to your quilting club in Manhattan if you can’t play nice or I’ll tell everyone you slept with Paris Hilton,” end quote. So he had gone to Stark Tower, stolen Tony’s humidor, and started the relaxing process of smoking Cuban cigars while reading porn.
“No, not that, and are those my cigars?”
“Yes.”
“Okay then.” Tony untucked his suit jacket and began unbuttoning the shirt he wore under it. “I’m sure you’re all be happy to know that since I reformed the Avengers, revenue on our merchandise is tripled.”
“You reformed the Avengers?” Steve asked.
“I seem to recall doing that, yes.”
“I seem to recall helping. And by helping, I mean doing.”
“Yes, well, it’s my skyscraper we’re hanging out in and my cigars Wolverine is smoking.”
“Much obliged,” Logan said.
“Hence, my team. Hence, merchandise!” He threw open his now-unbuttoned shirt to reveal an Iron Man T-shirt beneath. “This looks like a job for Iron Man!”
Peter, just as bored as everyone else, looked up from his magazine. “But Iron Man wears armor, so would this be his sidekick, Cotton Man?”
“It’s a cotton/polyester blend, I’ll have you know.”
“Look, Tony, it’s not that we don’t care, it’s just that most of us aren’t interested in business,” Steve said.
“Which is why I’m going to do you all a favor.” He opened his briefcase. It was full of Iron Man clothes. “Free merchandising samples to everyone!”
“I don’t need clothes,” Logan said, then turned the page of that month’s Playboy. “Okay, I think I may need a new pair of underwear. Helloooo, Miss July…”
Peter, who was gathered around the suitcase with the rest of the (easily intrigued) Avengers, picked up a pair of Iron Man boxers. “Tony, I’m not sure I’m comfortable wearing undies with you on them.”
Tony frowned. “This is just to demonstrate the texture. You’ll get your own merchandise.” Not being petty, he didn’t mention that Spider-Man’s clothes were being outsold by Ronin’s. And no one even cared about Ronin.
Steve patted him on the back. “I’d wear your Iron Man underwear, Tony.”
“Thanks, Cap. That means a lot.”
“Whoa, my own clothing line,” Luke said. “I’m gonna be like Michael Jordan with Air Jordans, or Liz Tyler with her perfume!”
Tony smiled. “Yes! Yes! I do believe I even have a sample right here.”
Luke picked up his shirt. “…do you bitches not know the last time I said ‘Sweet Christmas’?”
“No, when?”
“Christmas!”
“It’s your slogan, Luke, it has to be on your shirt.”
“Oh yeah? And what’s your slogan? Drinks are on the house?”
Tony adjusted his tie. “I’m too cool to have a slogan.”
“You just can’t think of a good one,” Luke accused.
“Luke, Tony’s a super-genius. He could think up a good slogan if he wanted to,” Steve chided.
“Oh yeah? Prove it.”
Tony crossed his arms. “Fine. If I saw some supervillain threatening people or robbing a bank, I’d look at them real cool, cross my arms suavely, and say after a brief pause… uh… I’d say… ummm… Sweet Thanksgiving!”
***
“Check it out, MJ,” Peter said. “The amazing… spectacular… sensational… SPIDER-THONG!”
He pulled on the waistband pervily. Mary-Jane turned an eye to the thong, which had a webhead on the front.
“Sweetie, if I want your face on my crotch, all I have to do is ask.”
***
“Gotta admit,” Jessica Jones said, “this Luke Cage maternity bra does not irritate my nipples at all. And you know how sensitive my nipples get.”
Luke grumbled.
***
“I’m not sure I’m comfortable with having Old Glory being used as a clothing item,” Steve said of his clothes’ motif of red, white, and blue.
Tony clasped his hands together obsequiously. “Steve, let me assure you that these clothes are meant to honor our great country’s flag.”
“How does a jockstrap honor our flag?”
“Well, uhh… if you saluted it, maybe…”
“No.”
***
Ronin took a pair of panties.
“Ah, so you’re a woman!” Tony said to the mysterious ninja.
“Well, I like wearing their underwear, at least.”
***
Jessica Drew irritatedly sling-shot her pair of Spider-Woman panties at Tony Stark. They hit him in the head.
“Not that I don’t like having women’s underwear thrown at me, but what’s the occasion?”
“Those aren’t women’s underwear.”
“Is this about Ronin? Because I’ve tried following… it to see which bathroom Ronin uses, but the… person must have the bladder of a sperm whale.”
“No!” Jessica picked up another pair of panties. “These are just Spider-Man underwear with pink instead of blue! Look, they’ve got his webheads on them!”
“To be honest with you, Jess, there’s just not that much demand for Spider-Woman underwear, except on eBay. And believe me, those are two entirely different markets.”
Jessica pointed firmly to the webhead again. “Fix this, Stark. I am not having Spider-Man’s face on my crotch. What do I look like to you, Mary-Jane Watson?”
***
Robert Reynolds stared at a pair of briefs. “I do like how it has ‘the power of a thousand exploding suns’ written on the crotch.”
“Sorry, that’s my underwear,” Tony said. “I couldn’t think of a slogan, so I borrowed yours. ‘Who wants a goatee ride?’ didn’t test well. Apparently, women 18-35 would rather have Spider-Man’s face…”
“What’s my slogan, than?”
“Well, since you’re the Sentry, we thought these would be appropriate.”
Tony held up a pair of briefs with ‘I like to watch’ written on them.
“Screw it, I don’t wear underwear anyway.”
“That’s what Nick Fury said. I guess once a Howling Commando, always a Howling Commando.”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-01-07 07:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-07 09:06 pm (UTC)unadulterated awesome fun!no subject
Date: 2008-01-08 03:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-08 09:23 pm (UTC)You're priceless, please can we have some more?
no subject
Date: 2009-02-06 09:51 pm (UTC)“Ah, so you’re a woman!” Tony said to the mysterious ninja.
“Well, I like wearing their underwear, at least.”
Brilliant.
‘Who wants a goatee ride?’ didn’t test well.
I cannot imagine why not.
I laughed really hard at this, thank you. :)