Fucking Spider-Man...

[seriousfic]

So I'm doing research on Sasha and Ana Kravinoff, which means reading an Amazing Spider-Man "event" called The Gauntlet, which is post-BND. So in case anyone ever criticizes my hatred of OMD/BND and its status quo by saying I didn't read it, I've now read like twenty issues of it. It's gone beyond smelling the rotten milk to know it's bad. I've drunken every goddamn glass of that thing and no, there's no good milk in that jug of rotten milk. It's spoiled all the way down.

And the main thing is that it's a lot of crusty old dudes who jerk it to the Silver Age wanting to redo the Spider-Man stories of their youth when that makes no sense for the characters or the world they live in. Like, imagine if the Star Trek reboot had been done by some really big Star Trek fanboys. And they were so set on recreating their Star Trek viewing experience that they didn't update the effects or writing at all--it's just a bunch of low-budget models and paper-mache rocks and gold-lame costumes and Klingons that just look like black guys with Fu Manchus.

This, but with Zachary Quinto.

That would be really dumb, right? Well, that's basically what Spider-Man is these days. "Get that CGI out of there, screw off with those professional make-up artists. We want to tell veiled stories about the Cold War! Bring back those guys who are half black and half white!"

Because I've read a few other comics, and Spider-Man's been a member of both the Avengers and the Fantastic Four in recent years, right? Like, I think he's been an Avenger all the way through BND/OMD. With that in mind, WHAT FUCKING SENSE DOES IT MAKE that he has money problems or is hated by the public at large? Beyond the fact that Mark Waid and co want to write about Peter Parker having money problems and being hated by the public?

Seriously, this is not that complicated. Unless you want me to buy that the Avengers and Fantastic Four are a bunch of pricks that don't care about one of their own living below the poverty line, they should be doing something like

1. Give Peter Parker a fake job as research assistant to Tony Stark or Reed Richards. Put his name on a patent for anti-grav slinkies or whatever and set him up for life.

2. Use SHIELD to fake that he has a rich great-uncle who died and left him a couple million dollars.

3. Give him a cushy gig as the official photographer for the Avengers/Fantastic Four, pay him a ridiculously inflated salary. If Terry Richardson can make obscene amounts of money taking pictures of Blake Lively in black and white looking bored against a blank background, I'll believe that Peter Parker can make a six-figure salary taking the occasional photo of Steve Rogers in jeans and a T-shirt.

4. HE IS FRIENDS WITH CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN HOW THE HELL CAN ALL OF NEW YORK HATE HIM? Could you imagine a bunch of people who watch Parks & Rec all loving the show but believing that Chris Pratt is a Nazi despite all their favs loving and getting along with him? No. That's ridiculous.

You cannot say that a character is best friends with Bill Gates, J.K. Rowling, George Clooney, and Mark Zuckerberg, then have him complain about how poor he is all the time. You could still have Peter work at the Daily Bugle if he's NOT absolutely strapped for cash, just by saying that he genuinely enjoys working there. But you can't continue to tell stories about him being poor in his present circumstances anymore than you can tell stories about him studying for a big test in Chemistry or worrying about Flash Thompson sticking him in a locker.

And I know, I know, there's probably some issue where he says he doesn't want to accept charity. Well, if this is about Peter Parker being relatable, that's not relatable! There's a big difference between being broke and single because that's life, and being broke and single because you won't cash in a winning lottery ticket and turned down Natalie Dormer when she asked for a date. One is a person being normal and the other is a person being a dumbass.

I mean, fuck it, if your credo is that Peter Parker is going to be single and poor no matter what, have him join a monastery. Normal people do that. No normal person says "I'd rather collect unemployment and live with a Hispanic stereotype who hates me then ask one of the many friendly millionaires I know for help."