seriousfic

For years, J.J. Abrams has used a "mystery box" system to, instead of making the most obvious plot development, make the most obvious plot development and then torturous lie about it for years on end to find out that the big secret of a given story is pretty much what you would guess five seconds after being told there's a big secret. This method has been so successful that people with no interest in seeing Star Trek Into Darkness need, nay, demand to know the secrets. Who is Benedict Cumberbatch playing? Is it Khan? It's Khan, isn't it? Well, now you can find out free of charge, except for the ones racked up on your credit card by the malicious malware embedded on our site.

On EARTH, Mickey from DOCTOR WHO has a SICK DAUGHTER.

SICK DAUGHTER: I'M DYING! IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING, DO IT NOW!

MICKEY: I HAVE TO CURE HER! NOW NOW NOW!

Director J.J. ABRAMS winces and reshoots the scene with the movie's ENTIRE SUPPLY OF SUBTLETY, getting the point across with simple images and musical cues instead of bald-faced EXPOSITIONAL DIALOGUE.

: Plus, they wouldn't let J.J. Abrams have a scene where the little girl strips down to her undies for no reason.

Suddenly, EVIL SHERLOCK shows up.

EVIL SHERLOCK: I can save your daughter. But you'll have to detonate a bomb in the black-ops intelligence agency that you work for.

MICKEY: Looks like I have no choice. You probably have some diabolical means to ensure my cooperation.

EVIL SHERLOCK: I'll stand across the street and stare at you.

MICKEY: That's… that's it? Across the street from the black-ops intelligence agency? With nothing to stop me from yelling "Get him!" and having all the spies I work with shoot you?

EVIL SHERLOCK: Not really, no. As is, you're even allowed to send a message implicating me for the attack, before going through with it anyway.

MICKEY: Wow, in the utopian future of Star Trek, humanity is so civilized that terror attacks are carried out on the honor system.

Meanwhile, KIRK and SPOCK have been called to the PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE.

PIKE: Jim, you violated the Prime Directive, endangered your ship, and lied about it in your official report! I thought we trained you better than that!

KIRK: Not really. I never actually finished my training, you just gave me a starship and told me to have at it. (looks around) I thought this was just… what we did?

: "C'moooooooon, I've never lost a crewmember. Admittedly, it was pretty easy once we stopped issuing red shirts to people."

PIKE: No, Jim. I can't tolerate this kind of behavior. I'm sending you back to Starfleet Academy. (beat) On second thought, I'm demoting you to first officer and transferring Spock to another ship. (beat) Ahhhh, you can be captain again.

KIRK: Wow, it's almost like there was no point to this entire subplot except for eating up time between explosions.

SPOCK: C'mon, if the movie were that lazy, it would probably have multiple scenes of characters drowning their sorrows in futuristic bars.

It DOES.

Hearing of the attacks, Starfleet gathers its top captains in a penthouse, since the technology of 'bunkers' has been lost to the ages.

KIRK: I don't get it. What was the point of Evil Sherlock blowing up a library except to get us all in one place where you'd think heightened security would make it impossible to attack?

SPOCK: Oh, all the heightened security took a coffee break. It's the future, we're really nice about union regulations.

: Coffee takes a long time to make, ever since Tumblr took over updating it.

Evil Sherlock attacks the most heavily guarded installation on Earth with his revolutionary 'flying car with a gun' technology, which Starfleet has no defense against!

KIRK: If only his ship had some kind of easily targeted air intake, unlike every vehicle seen in the Star Trek universe until now!

Fortunately, it DOES. However, Pike still dies, because C'MON. Obviously evil ADMIRAL MARCUS tries to use this to his own ends.

MARCUS: Hmm, I need a catspaw to follow my orders to attack the Klingon homeworld and start a war, since war is inevitable. Hmm, who should I choose, out of all the vengeful and by-the-book captains who just almost died? Captain MacReady? Captain August? Or Captain Kirk, the most willfully insubordinate captain in Starfleet history?

KIRK: *gives finger-guns*

MARCUS: Perfect.

: War is SO INEVITABLE that I have to sacrifice the flagship of the fleet to bring it about.

MARCUS: Kirk, Evil Sherlock used a portable transwarp beaming device to travel from Earth to the Klingon homeworld.

KIRK: Wow, wish we had one of those in the opening, when Spock was stranded in a volcano without a way to beam out. We could've just given him one of those and he could've beamed to Miami whenever.

MARCUS: Yes, well, we didn't do that. Anyway—

KIRK: Give me my own portable transwarp thingey! I'll go after him!

MARCUS: No. That was the only one.

KIRK: Don't you have the plans? Can't we just build another one? It's the future, we have replicators, they can create anything in seconds.

MARCUS: LOOK, just work with me here, alright? Since the Klingons hate humans with the fury of a thousand suns, you cannot enter Klingon space. Instead, we'll equip the Enterprise with long-range torpedoes so you can—

KIRK: Hold on a second. (pulls out communicator) Hello, Klingons? There's a filthy human hiding out on your homeworld. He said your whole 'honorable warrior race' thing is played out and that your heads look anal stimulators.

Over on Kronos, the Klingon Homeworld, Evil Sherlock is getting into character.

EVIL SHERLOCK: Rich Corinthian leather… rich CoRINTHian leather… rich CORinthian leather…

Suddenly, every Klingon in the universe jumps through the door and dog-piles him.

KIRK: Well, that was easy. Back to my threesome…

MARCUS: No, c'mon, you know a Starfleet job isn't considered done until everyone's run at least one half-mile AND dangled off three ledges.

KIRK: (sighs) Fine… I'll go to Kronos and bring in the dumb terrorist… can I at least style my hair first?

MARCUS: Of course.

Now that the latest explosion is done with, it's time for another patented Star Trek moral dilemma.
EVERYONE BUT KIRK: Doing the wrong thing is stupid and wrong.

KIRK: But I wanna!

EVERYONE BUT KIRK: STUPID! WRONG!

KIRK: But I WANNA!

: The Kirk command style: Take whatever course of action is most likely to result in artful cuts and bruises to the face.

SCOTTY: I quit. I need to find additional ways to apologize for Paul, anyway.

KIRK: Fine, we'll go get the dumb terrorist and give him a fair trial, since everyone in the world seeing him carrying out terrorist attacks isn't enough proof. But don't blame me if taking the morally right but harder path results in some real, permanent consequences for this ship!

It DOESN'T.

The Enterprise just moseys right into Klingon space, up to their homeworld, and sends the MOST POSTER-WORTHY crewmembers out in the Millenium Falcon to apprehend Evil Sherlock.

KIRK: If we get caught, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of our—sorry, wrong J.J. Abrams movie. But if we're caught, there can't be anything linking us to Starfleet, otherwise the Klingons might start an all-out war.

SPOCK: Would us being the captain and first officer of the flagship of Starfleet count as a 'link'?

KIRK: Naaaaaaah.

On the way down to Kronos, Uhura and Spock get into a fight about THEIR RELATIONSHIP, but it's interrupted by a LOUD NOISE, just like every conversation in this movie that threatens that last longer than two minutes.

UHURA: The Klingons are attacking us! Don't worry, guys, I'll use my language skills and knowledge of Klingon culture to talk them down. Now it's Uhura's time to shine!

She FAILS MISERABLY for the sake of YET ANOTHER action scene in which Evil Sherlock kills all the Klingons with a CHAINGUN in one hand and a PHASER RIFLE in the other. Also, with a SAMURAI SWORD in his teeth and a LIGHTSABER jammed up his ass, because why the hell not?

EVIL SHERLOCK: Thanks for letting me know you guys were coming. I had all these weapons, like, a mile away when you called. Anyway, I surrender.

KIRK: I accept your surrenderFALCON PUNCH!

Kirk proceeds to embarrass himself by failing at abusing a prisoner for, like, five minutes.

KIRK: It's like beating my head against a brick wall!

EVIL SHERLOCK: If that's what it feels like being IN the movie, imagine what it must be like to watch it.

Onboard the Enterprise, Evil Sherlock is put into a big glass cell because The Avengers was so popular that in the future, most architectural designs are based on it.

: "What do you mean, a big glass wall isn't anymore secure than prison bars? So, the *only* reason for it is you want to watch me pee?"

KIRK: Alright, buddy, time to explain the entire plot! And it better not turn out that you were just pissed off because your wife died, I swear—

EVIL SHERLOCK: Alright. My name is Khan.

KIRK: Who?

EVIL SHERLOCK: You really don't know me? I thought I was the equivalent of Hitler in this canon. I'm named after Genghis Khan, for fuck's sake. Anyway, that's my whole story. I'm just really mean and my name's Khan.

KIRK: Wow. You've simultaneously insulted everyone who's aware of the original Khan and bored everyone who has no idea who Khan is. Carry on.

: "We're counting on the audience to remember who Khan is and why he's a big deal, but not what he looks or sounds like. At all." - The writers.

EVIL SHERLOCK: After the destruction of Vulcan, Starfleet scanned space REALLY HARD instead of just the lazy-ass way they were previously doing it. They found my ship and woke me from the cryogenic suspension that had sustained me for the last three hundred years. Yes, I was the most savage warlord alive during the most savage era the Earth had ever known… the 90s!

SPOCK: Really, that's—

KIRK: Relax, this movie is aimed at people who can't do math. Continue.

EVIL SHERLOCK: Admiral Marcus decided to use all my knowledge to design state-of-the-art starships for him. And I excelled at it.

FLASHBACK.
EVIL SHERLOCK: Alright, I want a VHS player on every deck of this ship. And let the PA system broadcast Hit Me Baby One More Time every hour, on the hour. That song will never get old.

FLASHFORWARD.

EVIL SHERLOCK: But I only did it because he held my crew hostage. Using my position as an engineer, I had their cryogenic capsules built into torpedoes.

FLASHBACK

ENGINEER: Hey, boss, it looks like these designs have us constructing the torpedoes around these cryo-tubes that hold the hostages we're using to keep Khan in line. Almost like he wants to smuggle them out or something. Think we should tell someone?

BOSS: Nah, looks about right.

FLASHFORWARD

EVIL SHERLOCK: But my brilliant plan was uncovered.
FLASHBACK

MARCUS: Wait a minute… these blueprints are mostly a big man-shaped shape in the center. The only label is "Don't worry about it".

FLASHFORWARD

EVIL SHERLOCK: So I escaped and took up arms against Starfleet. Never again would I serve the vile Admiral Marcus, at least until I fled to the exact place I would need to go to further his plan to start a war with the Klingons. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Meanwhile, the warp core has been sabotaged and a woman has snuck onboard, because security is just THAT lax after two major terror attacks… on the ship sent to hunt the responsible terrorist down.

CAROL MARCUS: Hi, I'm the new character added to the ensemble and a name actress, but it doesn't seem like I have anything to do? I just—are you sure I didn't wander into the wrong movie by accident? Was I supposed to be in Star Wars? Can I have some small impact on the plot, please?

KIRK: I've got it! Take off your clothes!

CAROL MARCUS: Alright, but don't look at me semi-nude.

KIRK: *looks*

THIS IS THE MOVIE'S BIG 'ROMANCE PLOT.'

CAROL MARCUS: Captain!

KIRK: Sorry. I know I was raised in a feminist utopia future, and am captain of a starship with hundreds of lives depending on me, but… boobs. Booooooobs.

CAROL MARCUS: Don't worry about it, that's probably the most realistic thing that's happened in this movie so far.

: To be fair, with Angelina Jolie's double mastectomy, there's not much better out there.

BONES: And now, for a change of pace from all the whiz-bang action scenes, a tense, suspenseful sequence of us trying to defuse a torpedo. Time for McCoy to shine!

CAROL MARCUS: THE TORPEDO'S ACTIVATED

BONES: MY HAND IS STUCK!

CAROL MARCUS: I CAN FIX IT!

KIRK: BEAM THEM UP!

SULU: I CAN'T!

BRICK TAMLAND: LOUD NOISES!

CAROL MARCUS: Oh, don't worry, it turns out if you just pull a thing out, they shut off. What, was this designed by a three-hundred-year old man?

BONES: And look, there's a guy inside!

CAROL MARCUS: So wait, how do these even work if most of the space inside is taken up by a cryo-tube? They're about the size of a regular torpedo and later we see them detonate. And wouldn't some of Khan's crew be killed when they tested these things? Did Admiral Marcus test these at all before assuming they'd work and basing his whole plan on them?

BONES: We can discuss that later. For now, it's been fifteen minutes and the target audience is texting!

: "Why won't these stupid actors stop talking so I can send my text in peace?"

Suddenly, Admiral Marcus warps in with a HUGE BLACK STARSHIP to destroy Kirk's TINY WHITE STARSHIP. SYMBOLISM.

KIRK: Okay, Kirk, relax, he doesn't know that you know that he's the bad guy. Play it cool. (opens a channel) Hey, Marcus, I was talking to Khan a moment ago and he knows the funniest joke…

MARCUS: Khan? Shit, did he tell you about my evil plan to kill a bunch of Klingons?

KIRK: Uhhhh… no?

MARCUS: Whew, that's a relief. For a second there… shit, you're lying, aren't you?

KIRK: …yes?

MARCUS: EAT PHASERS!

THE USS VENGEANCE (so named because the USS Evil McBadguy was already christened) blasts the shit out of the Enterprise.

: My loneliness/Is killing me/I must confess/I still believe **still believe**

KIRK: Wait! Stop! I take full responsibility for my actions and, uh, something something character arc? Just don't kill my bros, 'kay?

MARCUS: Yeah, I was really going to kill everybody no matter what you said.

KIRK: So, what, our entire conversation was just a waste of time?

MARCUS: Well, yeah. I just really like making innocent people grovel before I kill them.

KIRK: For an obvious psychopath, you've come pretty far in Starfleet.

MARCUS: Says the man who became captain again after a court-martial because everyone else died.

KIRK: Touche.

CAROL MARCUS: Wait, daddy! I finally figured it out—as your daughter, I'm here to make your ridiculously villainous character more ambiguous. It's just like Charlize Theron in Prometheus—two people being related automatically makes them both interesting characters.

: "Remember, in the movie, when I did the thing?"

MARCUS: I can't destroy a ship my daughter's on. Men, beam her to our 'Damsel In Distress' Room, then resume slaughter of the innocents.

KIRK: Damsel In Distress Room?

MARCUS: Our designer was from the 90s. It's next to our "Effeminate Gay Comic Relief" Room.

Suddenly, Scotty shows up, having uncovered the Vengeance's construction yard, snuck onboard, and sabotaged the ship, thus using up ALL THE COMPETENCE in the movie.

SCOTTY: Lucky for me that this ship wasn't concealed at all. It was literally just floating in space.

MARCUS: Yeah, I started building a giant death-ship and thought someone would say something about it, but no, they're all cool with it.

SCOTTY: You'd better do something fast, Captain! I've only powered down the Vengeance for three minutes! (beat) Of course, those are Kryptonian minutes, which are fifteen Earth minutes. So, you know, you have time to grab a drink if you're really thirsty…

KIRK: I have no choice. The only thing to do is free Khan, give him a phaser, make a space-jump over to the Vengeance, and take it over from the inside!

SPOCK: Or we could use a shuttle to go over there. Or we could take a lot of security guards. Or you could send me, since I'm physically far superior to you. Or we could take a bomb over, plant it somewhere vulnerable, and—

KIRK: Spock, this is the "teaming up with the villain" part of the movie. C'mon.

Kirk and Khan space-jump over to the Vengeance and take it over by virtue of Marcus only having A DOZEN GUARDS who engage their enemies in HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT.

: They're 'private security,' which means these were the guys who couldn't hack it in Starfleet. In this movie, that's saying something.

KIRK: Looks like we've won, which means we don't need Khan anymore. Scotty, stun him!

SCOTTY: I'm helping!

KIRK: Now make sure he doesn't cause anymore trouble.

SCOTTY: By which you mean stand very close to him with my phaser held loosely, pay no attention to him, and don't tie him up in any way. Got it!

KIRK: Now for you, Admiral Marcus. You endangered the Enterprise, got scores of innocent people killed, and acted completely unbefitting a Starfleet officer. THAT'S MY JOB!

MARCUS: YOU WENT INTO KLINGON SPACE, MURDERED A BUNCH OF THEIR MEN, AND THEN HUNG AROUND FOR FIVE HOURS! THEY'RE CLEARLY GOING TO DECLARE WAR ON US! YOU CAN'T IGNORE A PLOT HOLE LIKE THAT!

KIRK: I'VE IGNORED BIGGER!

MARCUS: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

KIRK: What?

MARCUS: What?

Suddenly, Khan WAKES UP ON THE WRONGEST SIDE OF THE BED and beats up everyone, then takes over the Vengeance.

EVIL SHERLOCK: Good thing I designed this ship to only need one man to crew it.

AUDIENCE: You can do that now? So, will the next movie just be Kirk driving the Enterprise around?

: And masturbating. So much masturbation...

Meanwhile, Spock is in charge of the Enterprise.

SPOCK: Do we have communications?

UHURA: Yes sir!

SULU: That's great! We could call for help! Or we could expose Admiral Marcus, thus removing his motivation to attack us!

SPOCK: Or we could have Leonard Nimoy do a cameo!

UHURA: …

SULU: …

LEONARD NIMOY: Sup?

SPOCK: Old Spock, we're having a little trouble selling Khan as the big bad guy. You mind talking a little about how badass he is in your awesome voice?

OLD SPOCK: I can't tell you anything about the future, it might alter your destiny. But here's something about the future.

SPOCK: That makes no sense.

OLD SPOCK: Neither does the most rational and logical man in the universe believing in destiny. What're ya gonna do? Anyway, Khan doesn't sleep, he waits. The boogeyman checks his closet to make sure Khan isn't there. When Khan does a push-up, the Earth moves down.

SPOCK: Wait, are we talking about the same guy? British guy, pasty, does this really weird Grinch thing with his mouth?

OLD SPOCK: No, my Khan was a Sikh guy who insisted on looking and talking like a Mexican. Who was I thinking of?

: "I wanna say... Bilbo Baggins?"

EVIL SHERLOCK: Spock! I have your captain hostage! Give me my crew or I will kill all of you and take them anyway!

SPOCK: Alright.

EVIL SHERLOCK: Thank you. Now to kill you all anyway!

SPOCK: So, wait, if you were going to kill us either way, what was even the point of that conversation?

EVIL SHERLOCK: Because without pointless conversations, this movie would just be forty minutes of explosions! But seriously now, thanks for beaming over all my bombs. SHIT! The bombs exploded! How could I not see that coming!?!

SCOTTY: Captain, we're not out of danger! The ship's warp core is running dangerously low on kicks! Someone needs to get in there and manually add to the kick tank!

KIRK: I guess you might say the ship needs a kickstart, huh?

SCOTTY: …God, I'm so glad you're dying.

KIRK: You're right, I am dying. Spock… Wrath of Khan?

SPOCK: Wrath of Khan.

KIRK: Wrath of Khan!

SPOCK: Wrath of Khan…

SCOTTY: This is really boring to all the audience members who didn't want to see the end of Star Trek 2 recreated with the roles reversed.

: No, no, the fans said "Wrath of Khan with the GENDERS reversed."

SPOCK: Get this, now I'm the one who says KHAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN!

SCOTTY: Though technically, Admiral Marcus was far more responsible for our situation.
SPOCK: ADMIRAL MARCUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSS! No, not the same. KHAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Meanwhile, on Earth…

STARFLEET OFFICER: Hey, it seems like two Starfleet ships warped into orbit around the headquarters of the Federation and started firing on each other for thirty minutes. Now they both seem to have exploded and are going to crash-land on San Francisco. Think we should… I don't know… do something?

STARFLEET OFFICER 2: Naah, I'm sure it'll work out. What kind of action movie would end with the heroes triumphantly allowing the villain to kill millions of people?

Evil Sherlock crashes the Vengeance into San Francisco, killing millions.

AUDIENCE: Didn't the original Khan have a code of honor that would preclude committing mass murder?

EVIL SHERLOCK: I'm the new, post-9/11 Khan. I hate freedom! Ha ha ha! Fuck the troops! Death to America!

: "Vote Libertarian!"

SPOCK: Chekov, can you beam him up?

CHEKOV: No, but I could beam you down! Or you and several heavily-armed and well-trained security guards.

SPOCK: No, it's important to have a sense of fair play when you're out for bloody revenge.

EVIL SHERLOCK: You can't beat me, Spock. Evil will always triumph over good!

SPOCK: What if Good had his girlfriend beam down behind Evil and shoot him repeatedly in the back?

EVIL SHERLOCK: That would seem to be an incredibly cheap way for a so-called hero to win the day. What could possibly be more cheap than that?

UHURA: Spock, we can use Khan's superblood to bring Kirk back to life!

EVIL SHERLOCK: …

SPOCK: …

UHURA: So I guess the moral here is don't pursue vengeance because you can use bad guys for medical testing.

SPOCK: And that if you can't beat someone in a fair fight, have someone sneak up behind them and hit them in the back.

: As opposed to the old days, where the moral was "Hit them WITH your back."

KIRK: I'm alive! And justice has been dealt!

SPOCK: Actually, we put Khan back in his cryo-tube, which is more or less what he wanted all along. He's just going to wake up at a later date without having suffered or been rehabilitated at all. We basically sentenced him to a nap.

KIRK: Anyway, this film is dedicated to the post-9/11 veterans… who, by inference, were a bunch of assholes since 9/11 was caused by corrupt politicians and killing terrorists is morally wrong.

SPOCK: Goodnight everybody!

CAROL MARCUS: I'm part of the crew now! Next movie, you can see my cameltoe!

Star Trek genderbent drawing: http://kimbawest.deviantart.com/art/Star-Trek-Gender-Bend-Colored-182244301

Nobody fucks with Captain Kirk gif: http://junkyardculture.tumblr.com/post/47948161160/nobody-fucks-with-captain-kirk-source