Michael B. Jordan playing the Human Torch

[seriousfic]

To entirely side-step the race angle for a moment, I have a question. Alright, so Dane DeHaan was in Chronicle playing the villain, an abused and awkward kid who got superpowers and eventually went rogue. Then they cast him to play Harry Osborn in the new Spider-Man, an abused and awkward kid who gets superpowers and goes rogue.

And in Chronicle, Michael B. Jordan played this cocky, fun-loving jock-type who got superpowers. If he were in Fantastic Four, he’d be playing Johnny Storm, a cocky, fun-loving jock-type who gets superpowers.

So my question is this: Having seen Chronicle, an original science-fiction movie that was inspired by comic books to tell its own story, has Hollywood just decided to remake the exact same movie in Marvel drag? Because that’s hilarious.

“Hmm, this Chronicle movie shows that not every movie has to be told conventionally and portray the exact same thing!”

“Let’s do it over again, but told conventionally and portraying the exact same thing.”

And now, the race angle on a black man playing the Human Torch. On the one hand, Johnny Storm is white. On the other hand, pretty much every white American actor in their twenties is a pussy. Zac Efron, Shia LeBeouf, Ashton Kutcher, Justin Timberlake—you say those names all in a row, they start sounding like feminine hygiene projects.

We should’ve seen it coming. The moment we started naming kids “Avery” and “Jaden,” the gig was up. For God’s sake, Zac Efron! The boy’s not even man enough for a K in his name, and that’s not a very masculine letter. Back in the day, you named a kid Kurt Russell, he was guaranteed to be a badass. Or John—short for Johnson, which means penis. Dick, same thing. Jack—you jack someone, you’re either beating them up or masturbating them, both of which are awesome.

But it’s alright, we’ve outsourced our badass needs to Australia, where from the day of their birth, children are forced to grow up in Australia. This gave us Sam Worthington, who is so badass he often forgets to act.

So it’s okay, America. Michael B. Jordan was on The Wire and Friday Night Lights, which is about as badass as you can get on TV without helping Walter White cook meth or trying to arrest Boyd Crowder. Can you name any reasonable alternative that wasn’t on A. a CW show, B. an ABC Family show, C. a Disney Channel Original Movie*?

*I’ll make an exception for Princess Protection Program, because it takes stones to protect a princess.



The other big news is that Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver are going to be in The Avengers 2, which is legal, so long as Marvel doesn't mention they're mutants or that their father is Magneto. I never really 'got' how Wanda's mutant power was magic anyway--isn't that a little like Tony Stark inventing a laser that shoots magic? I suppose you could just handwave both of them as having magical powers, or that they got their powers from a science experiment gone wrong like fifty people do in the Marvel Universe every Friday. And I guess some people (me) had their hearts set on the Wasp, but with Ant-Man being a Phase 3 movie, that's not really feasible right now.

Some people are seeing it as a sign of a crossover between the Fox X-Men movies and the Disney Avengers movies, which-ehh. I kinda like that corporate shenanigans have resulted in an environment where different aspects of the Marvel Universe can't interact. It gives it a kind of purity or something? Possibly it's just that a huge movie where Spider-Man, the X-Men, the Fantastic Four, and the Avengers all team-up would never be good anyway (remember how much of a clusterfuck X-Men: The Last Stand was. Now imagine that with five times the characters). Maybe it's just that, while I can buy that War Machine's cell phone battery was dead while every other superhero was fighting Loki, it'd be a little harder to explain why a good thirty people decided to leave saving Chicago from a nuclear explosion to the Hulk. Or why multiple Lawful Good superheroes see government agencies building giant kill-bots to go after their friends the X-Men and said to themselves "Eh, Wolverine's got it. He has metal claws."

Thought it would be a little amusing if right in the middle of Spider-Man wangsting over fighting the Lizard--"How can I hurt him? I created him! He's a good man!"--Thor just straight-up coldcocked the guy. "Forsooth! This dragon shall trouble fair Midgard no longer!"

Really, it's quite a recent development in the comic book universe that every superhero is good friends with each other and generally even working together in the same government office. For most of Marvel's history, Spider-Man has rarely crossed paths with Captain America, and they'd regard each other with suspicion. It gave the Marvel U a fun "Wild West" vibe that I guess can't really be gotten back after umpteen guest appearances (not that this would ever stop Quesada from doing a "Spider-Man, respected Avenger, IS WANTED FOR MURDER!!!" story).

Anyway, I doubt Fox would've done Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver anyway. It's been five movies, so we're well past the point where it'd be only a little awkward to suddenly reveal Magneto's long-lost twins. Imagine the revelation that Mystique, ALL ALONG, had been Xavier's adopted stepsister, times infinity. If the need arises, you could always throw in Polaris as Magneto's daughter. Then you could have father vs. daughter in a battle of the magnetic superpowers--which would just be them getting stuck to each other, I guess.

Comments

[mcity.livejournal.com]

War Machine was off dealing with a terrorist attack in Hong Kong. He got back to New York just in time for shawarma.

No, seriously, that's canon.

>. Then you could have father vs. daughter in a battle of the magnetic superpowers--which would just be them getting stuck to each other, I guess.

Or pushing each other away.

And, really, isn't that the basis of most father-daughter relationships?

[commodore-zeke.livejournal.com]

Funny you should make that Wild West comparison. As I recall, Tom Brevoort made almost the same one when he was discussing reasons for Civil War -- they wanted to bring back that uneasy atmosphere among the heroes. Didn't work so much, especially since a few years later both companies were trying to push in the opposite direction (Heroic Age at Marvel, Brightest Day at DC). Just one more way comics are finding it impossible to turn back the clock.