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seriousficSo a little while ago, I posted a Fempop article on Guardians of the Galaxy. I took the writers to task for how they portrayed Moondragon and Phyla-vell, one of about... what... four lesbian couples in Marvel comics? So imagine my chagrin when a few issues after the one where PV was killed off, it's revealed that she was Alive All Along and it was Just A Trick. Well, what a pleasant surprise, having those tricky writers outsmart me. I read on and... she was killed off again.
Guys. If your character has died and come back to life more times than Jean Grey, you're doing something wrong.
At least before, she died as part of a killing spree, so it was a little justifiable. But then everyone else came back and she got nuked by Thanos. And for zero reason! Her death had no plot impact on Moondragon, since Drax was the one who got the "I fucking hate Thanos so much!" plot--you could argue that he was angry on Moondragon's behalf since she's his daughter, but I don't have to get out the big Powerpoint presentation marked Agency to tell you how stupid that is, do I? In simple story terms, it's like Alfred Pennyworth being so outraged about his charge Bruce Wayne losing his parents that he becomes the Batman. Stupid, right?
And the comic ends in a few issues, so it's not like they're going anywhere with it. It would've cost them nothing to keep Phyla-vell alive, let her end up with Moondragon. That actually would've offered the characters more closure than they got, and given Marvel a positive gay couple to brag about. I'm not even asking for representation here, I'm just asking that somewhere in Limbo, there's a little sign saying "Oh, twenty percent of the lesbian characters in the Marvelverse? They're doing fine!"
I'll try not to judge the writers too harshly, since it seemed like they had a lot of plates spinning and then some editor said "Man, I know we're thinking of making a movie about this stuff, but fuck it. Let's get rid of all the compelling characters and their interesting dynamic and just put together a team of super badasses." Like, literally, one of the characters says that the Guardians of the Galaxy are failures and they need Annihilators.
(In context, this is really stupid. The name "Annihilation" comes from the in-universe "Annihilation Day" in which Annihilus--hence the name--invaded the Milky Way Galaxy and killed billions. So naming your guys Annihilators is like the Department of Homeland Security being named the Nine Elevens. But hey, branding!)
And so anyway, Marvel cancels Nova and GotG, both of which were in their prime, so they can do a comic about Gladiator and friends. Gladiator! He's more interesting than any of the Guardians of the Galaxy because he's more powerful.
The thing about this is, it creates drama when underdog characters are forced to go up against superior forces. No one would watch Die Hard if John McClane brought Seal Team Six with him to take down Hans Gruber. I'd think that was obvious, but apparently highly-paid Marvel executives don't get it, so I might as well reiterate.
So when you have six characters with god-like powers, you need equivalent threats. Grant Morrison pulled that off with his run on JLA, but that's Morrison for you. These guys, they're good writers, but they're not that good. By the Annihilators' (insert a weary sigh every time I type that name) second appearance, they're fighting the Avengers like any other superteam and going after the Universal Church of Truth, just like the GotG used to. So it's like Superman, Wonder Woman, and Captain Marvel bringing all their powers to bear on busting a weed dealer.
Also, you might've thought "So, how many of the official most powerful beings in the universe are women, Marvel?" Well... none. They literally have to create a new character, and she's actually less powerful than just about every other member of the team. And you know how GotG had multiple female characters like Gamora, Moondragon, and Phyla-vell? Nope, there's just one. But don't worry, she's hypersexualized and every other sentence is about how she wants to fuck Quasar. Not kidding. I mean, I know Gamora and Moondragon had some skimpy outfits, but at least there was some personality there. They weren't just "FUCKING!"
The thing about GotG was that they were an unruly band of misfits. That was the charm, the drama. The only drama in Annhiliators is that everyone is a posturing badass, except for Quasar, who is actually worse with cringing lines like "We're the Annihilators. We bring the awesome." It's like GotG was this weird, silly, but passionate thing people were working on in the basement, and once it got popular, they focus-tested it to death. The fact that it's written by the same people is like going straight from The Dark Knight Returns to The Dark Knight Strikes Again without any intervening years of Frank Miller going progressively crazier on Sin City.
But they tried to hold onto some of the charm by keeping Rocket Raccoon and Groot around as a kind of spin-off (and even as RR is drawn at his most cartoonish, he's given a new, less "silly" origin, which is even sillier. LET'S GET PEOPLE TO STOP BEING INSANE BY EXPOSING THEM TO TALKING ANIMALS ON A DAILY BASIS!). I feel like they were akin to Wolverine in X-Men, in that the fact that they have no place being there made them interesting, but as soon as they're on their own, outside the ensemble, it stops being funny. Rocket Raccoon fighting Thanos alongside Drax the Destroyer and Star-Lord is charming; him going off on an adventure with Mojo is like Joey having his own sitcom.
But don't worry, since there's a movie coming out, they're bringing the old titles back. With Nova written by Jeph Loeb (no comment, but Jeph Loeb couldn't be a worst writer if he held good storytelling responsible for his parents' death and dedicated his life to destroying it) and the Guardians of the Galaxy written by Bendis. So now they'll be like every other title Marvel is putting out! I'm looking forward to six pages of "We think Annihilus is involved." "Annihilus?" "You know, he annihilates people." "Annihilates people?" "Real annihilator, that one." "Think we'd better stop him." "You think?" "Hey, don't annihilate me, just a thought." "I was agreeing with you. Not partial to annihilation myself. But who is this Annihilus guy?" "Used to hang with Blastaar. Negative Zone." "Right. The big negatory area." "That's right. Had a Cosmic Control Rod." "Sounds like the guy I know. Bad taste in women?" "The worst. Can't keep his Cosmic Control Rod to himself." "Maybe that's why he annihilates so much." "Think it's more of an annihilation for its own sake thing." "I'm gonna go have anal sex with Luke Cage now."
(Yeah, I'm going off on someone for being long-winded.)
But anyway, if you're not sure why GotG is getting a movie, being an obscure, canceled book... despite all that, it's a pretty natural choice. With the mini-event storytelling, it's pretty much made-up of a series of big blockbuster movies, so all a writer would have to do is condense and shuffle things around to fit in a two hour movie. Easy-peasy. I could see it working like the X-Men franchise, with spin-offs and prequels--they're really spoilt for choice as to which characters to bring in for the sequels. (I'm actually hoping that, given this isn't the big leagues like the Avengers, there'll be a bit of a turnover rate to make room for new blood. I mean, Drax is a fine character, but I don't need six movies of him.)
The only real problem is that Nova--who would be a natural fit for the requisite Luke Skywalker protagonist*--is not only a dead ringer for Green Lantern, but has aspects of Iron Man as well. A guy with a fussy British man in his head, who he tells stuff like "Divert all power to left blaster!" Yeah, sounds familiar. Luckily, a little down the line the Worldmind gets rebooted and replaced with a sardonic Kree woman, a replica of a trainee whose death Nova holds himself responsible for. Boom, there ya go. Someone tell TNT to get a new tagline, because there guys already know drama.
*If there's one problem with the Cosmic books--well, besides the fact that the gay couple has more deaths between them than Voldemort--it's that there's an abundance of characters who can be summed up as "human average dude given awe-inspiring cosmic power and not sure they're up to the responsibility." And of course, average dude is always a straight white American. And that's not even counting Drax, who at least has a personality besides "bring the awesome." I'm not saying it's a bad archetype, just one where a little goes a long way, because it's necessarily a limited characterization because the guy has to be bland enough for the audience to play themselves in his shoes. Luke Skywalker's a great character, but he's surrounded by differently great characters like Obi-Wan, Han, and Leia. If there were three Luke Skywalkers, that shit would get old fast. That's why I'm hoping the pilot character in the GotG movie is Carol Danvers--at least that would take the stock character and use it to set up a really great follow-through. If it's just Star-Lord, c'mon... he only gets interesting after he has angst for killing loads of people. I don't need to see him do anything Ben Browder did.
Similarly, Quasar--both the Vaughn and Phyla-vell versions--has the exact power set of Green Lantern. Given they mostly use their power for shields and swords, I could see someone coming up with an alternative to glowing CGI energy (Phyla-vell becoming Martyr could be a movie in and of itself, and it'd be real easy to improve on the comic). One of the badder aspects of the comic is that it's tied up in its own Silver Age, with Quasar and Adam Warlock and Thanos being treated as a big deal not because the audience is sold on them, but because the creators are. Ironically, it's lame New Warrior Nova who ends up being the most interesting, because you get to see him grow up and develop as a character. The Magus just shows up and goes "I'm the Magus!" So, hopefully the movie series will focus more on relatively new characters like Moondragon than "classics" like Captain Mar-Vell. (Be honest; if he hadn't died from cancer, he'd be around about as much as Silver Sable.)
Guys. If your character has died and come back to life more times than Jean Grey, you're doing something wrong.
At least before, she died as part of a killing spree, so it was a little justifiable. But then everyone else came back and she got nuked by Thanos. And for zero reason! Her death had no plot impact on Moondragon, since Drax was the one who got the "I fucking hate Thanos so much!" plot--you could argue that he was angry on Moondragon's behalf since she's his daughter, but I don't have to get out the big Powerpoint presentation marked Agency to tell you how stupid that is, do I? In simple story terms, it's like Alfred Pennyworth being so outraged about his charge Bruce Wayne losing his parents that he becomes the Batman. Stupid, right?
And the comic ends in a few issues, so it's not like they're going anywhere with it. It would've cost them nothing to keep Phyla-vell alive, let her end up with Moondragon. That actually would've offered the characters more closure than they got, and given Marvel a positive gay couple to brag about. I'm not even asking for representation here, I'm just asking that somewhere in Limbo, there's a little sign saying "Oh, twenty percent of the lesbian characters in the Marvelverse? They're doing fine!"
I'll try not to judge the writers too harshly, since it seemed like they had a lot of plates spinning and then some editor said "Man, I know we're thinking of making a movie about this stuff, but fuck it. Let's get rid of all the compelling characters and their interesting dynamic and just put together a team of super badasses." Like, literally, one of the characters says that the Guardians of the Galaxy are failures and they need Annihilators.
(In context, this is really stupid. The name "Annihilation" comes from the in-universe "Annihilation Day" in which Annihilus--hence the name--invaded the Milky Way Galaxy and killed billions. So naming your guys Annihilators is like the Department of Homeland Security being named the Nine Elevens. But hey, branding!)
And so anyway, Marvel cancels Nova and GotG, both of which were in their prime, so they can do a comic about Gladiator and friends. Gladiator! He's more interesting than any of the Guardians of the Galaxy because he's more powerful.
The thing about this is, it creates drama when underdog characters are forced to go up against superior forces. No one would watch Die Hard if John McClane brought Seal Team Six with him to take down Hans Gruber. I'd think that was obvious, but apparently highly-paid Marvel executives don't get it, so I might as well reiterate.
So when you have six characters with god-like powers, you need equivalent threats. Grant Morrison pulled that off with his run on JLA, but that's Morrison for you. These guys, they're good writers, but they're not that good. By the Annihilators' (insert a weary sigh every time I type that name) second appearance, they're fighting the Avengers like any other superteam and going after the Universal Church of Truth, just like the GotG used to. So it's like Superman, Wonder Woman, and Captain Marvel bringing all their powers to bear on busting a weed dealer.
Also, you might've thought "So, how many of the official most powerful beings in the universe are women, Marvel?" Well... none. They literally have to create a new character, and she's actually less powerful than just about every other member of the team. And you know how GotG had multiple female characters like Gamora, Moondragon, and Phyla-vell? Nope, there's just one. But don't worry, she's hypersexualized and every other sentence is about how she wants to fuck Quasar. Not kidding. I mean, I know Gamora and Moondragon had some skimpy outfits, but at least there was some personality there. They weren't just "FUCKING!"
The thing about GotG was that they were an unruly band of misfits. That was the charm, the drama. The only drama in Annhiliators is that everyone is a posturing badass, except for Quasar, who is actually worse with cringing lines like "We're the Annihilators. We bring the awesome." It's like GotG was this weird, silly, but passionate thing people were working on in the basement, and once it got popular, they focus-tested it to death. The fact that it's written by the same people is like going straight from The Dark Knight Returns to The Dark Knight Strikes Again without any intervening years of Frank Miller going progressively crazier on Sin City.
But they tried to hold onto some of the charm by keeping Rocket Raccoon and Groot around as a kind of spin-off (and even as RR is drawn at his most cartoonish, he's given a new, less "silly" origin, which is even sillier. LET'S GET PEOPLE TO STOP BEING INSANE BY EXPOSING THEM TO TALKING ANIMALS ON A DAILY BASIS!). I feel like they were akin to Wolverine in X-Men, in that the fact that they have no place being there made them interesting, but as soon as they're on their own, outside the ensemble, it stops being funny. Rocket Raccoon fighting Thanos alongside Drax the Destroyer and Star-Lord is charming; him going off on an adventure with Mojo is like Joey having his own sitcom.
But don't worry, since there's a movie coming out, they're bringing the old titles back. With Nova written by Jeph Loeb (no comment, but Jeph Loeb couldn't be a worst writer if he held good storytelling responsible for his parents' death and dedicated his life to destroying it) and the Guardians of the Galaxy written by Bendis. So now they'll be like every other title Marvel is putting out! I'm looking forward to six pages of "We think Annihilus is involved." "Annihilus?" "You know, he annihilates people." "Annihilates people?" "Real annihilator, that one." "Think we'd better stop him." "You think?" "Hey, don't annihilate me, just a thought." "I was agreeing with you. Not partial to annihilation myself. But who is this Annihilus guy?" "Used to hang with Blastaar. Negative Zone." "Right. The big negatory area." "That's right. Had a Cosmic Control Rod." "Sounds like the guy I know. Bad taste in women?" "The worst. Can't keep his Cosmic Control Rod to himself." "Maybe that's why he annihilates so much." "Think it's more of an annihilation for its own sake thing." "I'm gonna go have anal sex with Luke Cage now."
(Yeah, I'm going off on someone for being long-winded.)
But anyway, if you're not sure why GotG is getting a movie, being an obscure, canceled book... despite all that, it's a pretty natural choice. With the mini-event storytelling, it's pretty much made-up of a series of big blockbuster movies, so all a writer would have to do is condense and shuffle things around to fit in a two hour movie. Easy-peasy. I could see it working like the X-Men franchise, with spin-offs and prequels--they're really spoilt for choice as to which characters to bring in for the sequels. (I'm actually hoping that, given this isn't the big leagues like the Avengers, there'll be a bit of a turnover rate to make room for new blood. I mean, Drax is a fine character, but I don't need six movies of him.)
The only real problem is that Nova--who would be a natural fit for the requisite Luke Skywalker protagonist*--is not only a dead ringer for Green Lantern, but has aspects of Iron Man as well. A guy with a fussy British man in his head, who he tells stuff like "Divert all power to left blaster!" Yeah, sounds familiar. Luckily, a little down the line the Worldmind gets rebooted and replaced with a sardonic Kree woman, a replica of a trainee whose death Nova holds himself responsible for. Boom, there ya go. Someone tell TNT to get a new tagline, because there guys already know drama.
*If there's one problem with the Cosmic books--well, besides the fact that the gay couple has more deaths between them than Voldemort--it's that there's an abundance of characters who can be summed up as "human average dude given awe-inspiring cosmic power and not sure they're up to the responsibility." And of course, average dude is always a straight white American. And that's not even counting Drax, who at least has a personality besides "bring the awesome." I'm not saying it's a bad archetype, just one where a little goes a long way, because it's necessarily a limited characterization because the guy has to be bland enough for the audience to play themselves in his shoes. Luke Skywalker's a great character, but he's surrounded by differently great characters like Obi-Wan, Han, and Leia. If there were three Luke Skywalkers, that shit would get old fast. That's why I'm hoping the pilot character in the GotG movie is Carol Danvers--at least that would take the stock character and use it to set up a really great follow-through. If it's just Star-Lord, c'mon... he only gets interesting after he has angst for killing loads of people. I don't need to see him do anything Ben Browder did.
Similarly, Quasar--both the Vaughn and Phyla-vell versions--has the exact power set of Green Lantern. Given they mostly use their power for shields and swords, I could see someone coming up with an alternative to glowing CGI energy (Phyla-vell becoming Martyr could be a movie in and of itself, and it'd be real easy to improve on the comic). One of the badder aspects of the comic is that it's tied up in its own Silver Age, with Quasar and Adam Warlock and Thanos being treated as a big deal not because the audience is sold on them, but because the creators are. Ironically, it's lame New Warrior Nova who ends up being the most interesting, because you get to see him grow up and develop as a character. The Magus just shows up and goes "I'm the Magus!" So, hopefully the movie series will focus more on relatively new characters like Moondragon than "classics" like Captain Mar-Vell. (Be honest; if he hadn't died from cancer, he'd be around about as much as Silver Sable.)
