This Means War
Feb. 20th, 2012 03:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficThe only way I can recommend this movie is if you're a yaoi fangirl. Because this film is gay. It's gayer than a Turkish bathhouse during Pride Week while Glee is on. I don't see homosexual subtext in everything--Sherlock Holmes? Straight as an arrow. Captain Kirk? Loves the ladies--but these guys could read any given Lestat novel and chuck it aside with a disgusted "Breeders."
In a scene early on, a lovelorn Tom Hardy starts talking about his relationship with fellow bachelor Chris Pine. He tells him he loves him, says they're brothers, says he trusts him with his life and he'd take a bullet for him and he hopes they'll grow old together. He concludes by saying "Haven't you ever wanted all that--but with a woman?" And Chris Pine looks him in the eyes and says, emphatically, "No."
At this point, I said to myself "This movie may not be fantastic, but it is fagtastic." Then "Wait, am I allowed to say fagtastic? It could come off as mean. I mean it in a nice way, but is it like a N-word thing where you can't use it at all or more like a honky thing where you can use it playfully."
So anyway, yadda yadda, plot stuff, Pine and Hardy fall for the same woman and agree to be civil about it. Then we get a montage of Hardy going on a date with Reese Witherspoon while Pine sits at home, repeatedly calling Hardy over the course of an hour and eventually deciding that Hardy is in a hospital, because that's the only thing that could keep them from sweet, sweet heterosexual friendship togetherness. Upon learning that he was with a girl, the crowd-pleasing privacy-invasions BEGIN.
At this point I felt kinda bad about the fagtastic business, so I thought it was "homoperatic" instead, a portmanteau of homosexual and operatic. I'm the last person who'd be interested in seeing two men who aren't Raylan Givens and Boyd Crowder kiss, but now, I'd be disappointed if they didn't at least spoon.
Somehow, fighting for the right to have fulfilling heterosexual love time with Reese Witherspoon results in the insinuation that Chris Pine has a micropenis, to which he replies to Hardy "You know that's not true. You've seen my penis. You saw my penis in Bangladesh."
They don't give you any background on this. No context whatsoever. It's just, you know, two best friends, working as spies, shooting bad guys, protecting the world for democracy--surely, in the course of their duties, they'd see one another naked and note penis size.
I think clearly what McG is getting at is that they had sex in Bangladesh (banged in Bangladesh? SUBTEXT), then Tom Hardy was all "Well, that's the exception that proves the rule of how totally straight I am" and Chris Pine was just "Well, then I will sit here CONSUMED WITH SEXUAL LUST for the rest of our partnership." Then when Hardy started in on this Reese Witherspoon business, Pine was like "Oh yeah? Two can play at this 'liking vagina' game." and there you go.
The movie also ends with Hardy, in a rage that Pine has slept with a woman, tackling Pine and the two wrestling men shooting out the end of a long, hard airplane, but there's probably no subtext there.
So: This Means War: It's gayangsta, in the old sense of "gangsta" as being cool or "pimp," with the word "gay" added on to indicate homoerotica.
ETA: Oh, and the main characters are named Tuck and FDR, which are not not the names you wouldn't use if you were breaking into gay porn.
In a scene early on, a lovelorn Tom Hardy starts talking about his relationship with fellow bachelor Chris Pine. He tells him he loves him, says they're brothers, says he trusts him with his life and he'd take a bullet for him and he hopes they'll grow old together. He concludes by saying "Haven't you ever wanted all that--but with a woman?" And Chris Pine looks him in the eyes and says, emphatically, "No."
At this point, I said to myself "This movie may not be fantastic, but it is fagtastic." Then "Wait, am I allowed to say fagtastic? It could come off as mean. I mean it in a nice way, but is it like a N-word thing where you can't use it at all or more like a honky thing where you can use it playfully."
So anyway, yadda yadda, plot stuff, Pine and Hardy fall for the same woman and agree to be civil about it. Then we get a montage of Hardy going on a date with Reese Witherspoon while Pine sits at home, repeatedly calling Hardy over the course of an hour and eventually deciding that Hardy is in a hospital, because that's the only thing that could keep them from sweet, sweet heterosexual friendship togetherness. Upon learning that he was with a girl, the crowd-pleasing privacy-invasions BEGIN.
At this point I felt kinda bad about the fagtastic business, so I thought it was "homoperatic" instead, a portmanteau of homosexual and operatic. I'm the last person who'd be interested in seeing two men who aren't Raylan Givens and Boyd Crowder kiss, but now, I'd be disappointed if they didn't at least spoon.
Somehow, fighting for the right to have fulfilling heterosexual love time with Reese Witherspoon results in the insinuation that Chris Pine has a micropenis, to which he replies to Hardy "You know that's not true. You've seen my penis. You saw my penis in Bangladesh."
They don't give you any background on this. No context whatsoever. It's just, you know, two best friends, working as spies, shooting bad guys, protecting the world for democracy--surely, in the course of their duties, they'd see one another naked and note penis size.
I think clearly what McG is getting at is that they had sex in Bangladesh (banged in Bangladesh? SUBTEXT), then Tom Hardy was all "Well, that's the exception that proves the rule of how totally straight I am" and Chris Pine was just "Well, then I will sit here CONSUMED WITH SEXUAL LUST for the rest of our partnership." Then when Hardy started in on this Reese Witherspoon business, Pine was like "Oh yeah? Two can play at this 'liking vagina' game." and there you go.
The movie also ends with Hardy, in a rage that Pine has slept with a woman, tackling Pine and the two wrestling men shooting out the end of a long, hard airplane, but there's probably no subtext there.
So: This Means War: It's gayangsta, in the old sense of "gangsta" as being cool or "pimp," with the word "gay" added on to indicate homoerotica.
ETA: Oh, and the main characters are named Tuck and FDR, which are not not the names you wouldn't use if you were breaking into gay porn.
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Date: 2015-01-30 11:38 am (UTC)