![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficI feel like stupid is an adjective that gets thrown around too much to describe cinema. Certainly, a movie like Battleship is stupid. It's about Rihanna fighting aliens. And Con Air is a movie where Nic Cage gets sent to jail for defending his pregnant wife and ends up on a hijacked plane full of maximum-security convicts. That's dumb.
Immortals is silly. It's not obnoxiously stupid, to the point where you're thinking about how stupid each and every character's motivations are when you're supposed to be looking at Megan Fox's midriff (you know which movie you are, movie). But if fridge logic is stopping in front of the fridge to think of plot holes, you're going to be spending ten minutes burning out the little light in there.
Which isn't to say it's un-fun. There's like a bar graph or something of a movie offering 'spectacle', that Michael Bay thing which is code for loud, meaningless jumbles of CGI and THX, and SPECTACLE, which this movie offers--amazing visuals and artistry in service of a plot with more excuses than a twelve-year-old who broke a window.
I don't like to say this too often, but I could write a better story than this. I'll prove it, too. Let's break this down.
1. Alright, so King Hyperion's goal is to unleash the Titans so they can destroy the Gods (as a sideproject, he also intends to rape so many women that all future inhabitants of the Earth can trace their lineage to him. Yeah, take that, women! That's what you get for... his loving wife dying... dude did not think this through, did he?). Full stop: Why is this such a bad things?
Yes, Hyperion's methods to unleash the Titans are evil, but what about consequences? If the Titans get out and kill all the Gods, what would be the big hairy deal? The gods don't *do* anything. That's an actual plot point: they're forbidden from interfering with Earthly affairs. Oh, sure, Zeus *influences* events by training Theseus, but is that it? Is that the entire justification for their existence, or are they offering spiritual guidance and comfort to scores of people around the globe?
(Admittedly, at least the gods in this movie are conflated with standard Christian morality, so they're not going around being rapists and Plastics. But still, it's a bunch of humans dying so that immortal pretty people can continue to live in luxury.)
For that matter, why are the Titans so bad? All we know about them is that they lost in the god-fight. If they escape, will they destroy the Earth? Why do they deserve to be imprisoned for all eternity while the Gods live on Mount Olympus? With the plot set up as it is, it's less like they're an ancient evil that has to be kept sealed away and more like they're one gang and the Gods are another. Why should we care who wins in a fight between the Crips and the Bloods?
2. At the end of the movie, Theseus "sacrifices himself" and is rewarded by being made into a God. Why? Yeah, he killed Hyperion, but *after* Hyperion released the Titans and got a number of Gods killed. It wasn't like he even stopped Hyperion from doing any further damage; there was no further damage for Hyperion to do. And he didn't knowingly sacrifice himself either, he just died fighting a fifty-year-old man. So how come Theseus becomes a god and not, say, Stephen Dorff (and don't say Blade, he was awesome in that movie). Also, if he's a God, why doesn't he just go visit the Oracle and his son? As long as he doesn't use his godly powers when he's with them, that should be fine. And if any job should have loads of downtime, you'd think it'd be godhood.
3. Halfway through the movie, the Oracle (she has a name, but how am I supposed to remember these mythological callsigns when the movies keep flipping them around? "Oh, that's Perseus, he killed the Kraken after Hades killed his adopted fmaily." YES, JUST LIKE IN MYTHOLOGY) loses her virginity superpower by sleeping with Henry Cavill. Of course, previously someone decided the best way to keep her a virgin in the first place was having her sleep in the same bed as three other beautiful women.
Anyway, it's really hard to fault her for this, as not only is it Superman she's sleeping with, but her oracular ability is *completely useless*. For instance... she has a vision that goody-two-shoes Theseus and Big Bad Hyperion will join forces. We even see her vision: they're all buddy-buddy; "Brah." "Bro."
Then it turns out that what she saw was them "embracing" as Theseus stabbed Hyperion to death. Okay, does that not sound like bullshit in any possible way? No wonder oracles are so vague all the time--their visions can apparently be the exact opposite of what will happen! That's a worse accuracy rate than a magic 8-ball!
4. Theseus is the son of his mother's rapist. You'd think there'd be some subtext in him going against the aforementioned biggest rapist since Dr. Light. Or not.
5. Okay, so Hyperion is going to unleash the Titans to kill the Gods. Why don't the Gods just kill him before he gets within a mile of the Titans?Plot contrivance Because they swore not to interfere. Unless the Titans are unleashed, of course, in which case they can participate in the big fight scene.
Alright, forget about the gods being useless, now they're unsympathetic idiots who let humans die for no reason to solve *their* problem. Furthermore, Zeus even kills one of his *kids* for helping Theseus fight the rape-army. Why should the humans be at all invested in fighting for these guys? I think this is how it should've gone down.
Hyperion: If you do not allow me to release the Titans, my army will swoop down on your city and--
Random human: Okay, cool.
Hyperion: What?
Random human: Yeah. Sounds good. The Titans and the Gods can settle their differences while we watch from a safe distance. You get your revenge, we don't get killed trying to stop you, the gods don't have to interfere, and the titans get free. Sounds to me like everyone's happy.
Hyperion: Yes. Yes, I am happy!
Okay, now just off the top of my head, let's fix this story. For one thing, we could have Hyperion keep his plan to release the Titans a secret (shouldn't everyone in Greek mythology know by now not to boast about how you're better than the Gods, much less how you're going to murder them?). For another, since the Greek Gods have always been personifications, why not make that a plot point? Apollo is God of the Sun; if he dies, that's it, no more sun. That makes sense and raises the stakes without resorting to Judeo-Christian conceits. Or maybe they could be controlling the Elysium Fields, where good people go when they die, so if the Gods get taken out, Heaven goes with them. Since Theseus's mother died, this gives him some motivation beyond just vengeance (real noble motivation for a future god to have right there).
Finally, why not have Theseus sacrifice himself to actually save the day instead of just shutting the barn door after the horses have escaped. He kills Hyperion, grabs the Epirus Bow, and goes back into Mount Tartarus to bring the place down with its destructive power, stopping the Titans' escape. You could even have the Oracle get a flash of the life they would have together if he'd leave with her for added pathos.
Just sayin'.
Immortals is silly. It's not obnoxiously stupid, to the point where you're thinking about how stupid each and every character's motivations are when you're supposed to be looking at Megan Fox's midriff (you know which movie you are, movie). But if fridge logic is stopping in front of the fridge to think of plot holes, you're going to be spending ten minutes burning out the little light in there.
Which isn't to say it's un-fun. There's like a bar graph or something of a movie offering 'spectacle', that Michael Bay thing which is code for loud, meaningless jumbles of CGI and THX, and SPECTACLE, which this movie offers--amazing visuals and artistry in service of a plot with more excuses than a twelve-year-old who broke a window.
I don't like to say this too often, but I could write a better story than this. I'll prove it, too. Let's break this down.
1. Alright, so King Hyperion's goal is to unleash the Titans so they can destroy the Gods (as a sideproject, he also intends to rape so many women that all future inhabitants of the Earth can trace their lineage to him. Yeah, take that, women! That's what you get for... his loving wife dying... dude did not think this through, did he?). Full stop: Why is this such a bad things?
Yes, Hyperion's methods to unleash the Titans are evil, but what about consequences? If the Titans get out and kill all the Gods, what would be the big hairy deal? The gods don't *do* anything. That's an actual plot point: they're forbidden from interfering with Earthly affairs. Oh, sure, Zeus *influences* events by training Theseus, but is that it? Is that the entire justification for their existence, or are they offering spiritual guidance and comfort to scores of people around the globe?
(Admittedly, at least the gods in this movie are conflated with standard Christian morality, so they're not going around being rapists and Plastics. But still, it's a bunch of humans dying so that immortal pretty people can continue to live in luxury.)
For that matter, why are the Titans so bad? All we know about them is that they lost in the god-fight. If they escape, will they destroy the Earth? Why do they deserve to be imprisoned for all eternity while the Gods live on Mount Olympus? With the plot set up as it is, it's less like they're an ancient evil that has to be kept sealed away and more like they're one gang and the Gods are another. Why should we care who wins in a fight between the Crips and the Bloods?
2. At the end of the movie, Theseus "sacrifices himself" and is rewarded by being made into a God. Why? Yeah, he killed Hyperion, but *after* Hyperion released the Titans and got a number of Gods killed. It wasn't like he even stopped Hyperion from doing any further damage; there was no further damage for Hyperion to do. And he didn't knowingly sacrifice himself either, he just died fighting a fifty-year-old man. So how come Theseus becomes a god and not, say, Stephen Dorff (and don't say Blade, he was awesome in that movie). Also, if he's a God, why doesn't he just go visit the Oracle and his son? As long as he doesn't use his godly powers when he's with them, that should be fine. And if any job should have loads of downtime, you'd think it'd be godhood.
3. Halfway through the movie, the Oracle (she has a name, but how am I supposed to remember these mythological callsigns when the movies keep flipping them around? "Oh, that's Perseus, he killed the Kraken after Hades killed his adopted fmaily." YES, JUST LIKE IN MYTHOLOGY) loses her virginity superpower by sleeping with Henry Cavill. Of course, previously someone decided the best way to keep her a virgin in the first place was having her sleep in the same bed as three other beautiful women.
Anyway, it's really hard to fault her for this, as not only is it Superman she's sleeping with, but her oracular ability is *completely useless*. For instance... she has a vision that goody-two-shoes Theseus and Big Bad Hyperion will join forces. We even see her vision: they're all buddy-buddy; "Brah." "Bro."
Then it turns out that what she saw was them "embracing" as Theseus stabbed Hyperion to death. Okay, does that not sound like bullshit in any possible way? No wonder oracles are so vague all the time--their visions can apparently be the exact opposite of what will happen! That's a worse accuracy rate than a magic 8-ball!
4. Theseus is the son of his mother's rapist. You'd think there'd be some subtext in him going against the aforementioned biggest rapist since Dr. Light. Or not.
5. Okay, so Hyperion is going to unleash the Titans to kill the Gods. Why don't the Gods just kill him before he gets within a mile of the Titans?
Alright, forget about the gods being useless, now they're unsympathetic idiots who let humans die for no reason to solve *their* problem. Furthermore, Zeus even kills one of his *kids* for helping Theseus fight the rape-army. Why should the humans be at all invested in fighting for these guys? I think this is how it should've gone down.
Hyperion: If you do not allow me to release the Titans, my army will swoop down on your city and--
Random human: Okay, cool.
Hyperion: What?
Random human: Yeah. Sounds good. The Titans and the Gods can settle their differences while we watch from a safe distance. You get your revenge, we don't get killed trying to stop you, the gods don't have to interfere, and the titans get free. Sounds to me like everyone's happy.
Hyperion: Yes. Yes, I am happy!
Okay, now just off the top of my head, let's fix this story. For one thing, we could have Hyperion keep his plan to release the Titans a secret (shouldn't everyone in Greek mythology know by now not to boast about how you're better than the Gods, much less how you're going to murder them?). For another, since the Greek Gods have always been personifications, why not make that a plot point? Apollo is God of the Sun; if he dies, that's it, no more sun. That makes sense and raises the stakes without resorting to Judeo-Christian conceits. Or maybe they could be controlling the Elysium Fields, where good people go when they die, so if the Gods get taken out, Heaven goes with them. Since Theseus's mother died, this gives him some motivation beyond just vengeance (real noble motivation for a future god to have right there).
Finally, why not have Theseus sacrifice himself to actually save the day instead of just shutting the barn door after the horses have escaped. He kills Hyperion, grabs the Epirus Bow, and goes back into Mount Tartarus to bring the place down with its destructive power, stopping the Titans' escape. You could even have the Oracle get a flash of the life they would have together if he'd leave with her for added pathos.
Just sayin'.
