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seriousficI didn't dislike this movie, it's fun and all, but I did have a really bullshit day at work before watching it and I continue to have dark thoughts about the bromance genre's impact on female characters (it turns out, divorcing female characters from love interests isn't so much creating strong female characters who aren't just there for a love story as creating female characters who have nothing to do). Also, I'm a snarky bitch at the best of times. I'm sure Sherlock would approve.
In the 19th century, a string of terrorist bombings is about to plunge Europe into war. The audience rejoices at yet another post-9/11 movie about warmongering white capitalists that doesn't star Matt Damon (seriously, he's made that movie four times. I counted). Sherlock Holmes, dressed as Mickey Rooney in Breakfast At Tiffany's, beats up some of Irene Adler's men (since he now has the power to actually predict fights in advance and not just plan out his attacks) and saves her from a bomb.
Irene: Well, it's incredibly obvious that the man who made me unknowingly deliver a bomb was smart enough to realize I'd probably die in the explosion. He must be trying to kill me! (beat) I'd better go have dinner with him.
Irene goes to dinner with Professor Moriarty, who kills her because every fight between hero and villain has to be PERSONAL. And now that a woman is dead, onto some light-hearted frolics!
John Watson returns from... somewhere to find that Sherlock has been investigating the movie's exposition.
Sherlock: The villain is Professor Moriarty!
Watson: No duh, Irene told you that in the last movie.
Sherlock: Hey, check out this shot of adrenaline that can bring things back to life.
Watson: This will surely pay a pivotal role in things to come!
It doesn't.
Using a letter Sherlock got from the man who Irene was delivering a package to from Moriarty, but not the package that Sherlock switched with hers, and not the letter telling the prince to kill Rosencrantz and Guildenstein, Sherlock investigates Moriarty by throwing Watson a fake stag party at a dance hall.
Watson: Sherlock, you forgot my stag party!
Sherlock: Oh, come on, I'm Sherlock Holmes, I remember fifty million things. How could I forget your stag party? (beat) Oh, right, it's wacky.
Sherlock meets the gypsy Sim, who uses her knife-fighting skills to help Sherlock fight off an assassin.
Sherlock: Those knife-fighting skills should come in handy later.
They don't. Watson also gets drunk and shows up at his wedding hungover, which seems to be more his fault than a wacky shenanigan that Holmes is responsible for. Also, Mycroft is there for some reason.
Mycroft: I'm eventually going to do something in this plot!
Watson and Mary get married.
Sherlock: You don't really want to get married, Watson! You want to keep having thinly veiled gay adventures with me!
Watson: Didn't we resolve this plot in the last movie?
Sherlock: Nope!
Sherlock gets an invitation to talk to Moriarty, and they go to his place so Sherlock can pick up on some obvious clues.
Moriarty: I killed Irene Adler!
Sherlock: No! She was kinda my girlfriend!
He then forgets all about her.
Moriarty: I'm also going to kill Watson.
Sherlock: You monster! Now it's personal!
Moriaty: So if you hate me for trying to kill Watson, why was it necessary for me to kill Irene?
Sherlock: We had to explain away that Rachel McAdams was busy doing Morning Glory 2: Afternoon Glory SOMEHOW.
Sherlock goes to save Mary and Watson from assassins, which requires him to dress like a lady, which is something gay people do. In movies from the 1980s.
Sherlock: I had to put this disguise together on short notice.
Watson: Didn't you put a better disguise together in fifteen seconds in the last movie?
Sherlock: Let's lie down on the floor together. That's something gay people do.
Sherlock also throws Mary off a train and into a river to get her out of harm's way. Mycroft was waiting there because Sherlock could predict, on the fly, which river the train would be passing over when the assassins attacked.
Mycroft: I serve a vital function in this plot that could only otherwise be accomplished by being able to swim.
Sherlock and Holmes blow up most of the train to kill the assassins. In light of the string of terrorist bombings that have Europe nearly at war, the authorities apparently let them off with a firm warning. They go to see Sim at a gypsy camp, where the gypsies steal all of Watson's luggage.
Watson: Why'd I bring my luggage to a gypsy camp?
Sherlock: That's what you get for not believing in ethnic stereotypes.
Sim reaches into her magic bag of plot utility and tells them about her brother, who is intimately involved with Moriarty. She comes close to having a personality on several occasions, but never quite manages it.
Sherlock: So, you have a personal connection with one of the villain's henchmen. I bet that will come into play later.
NOT REALLY.
Meanwhile, Mycroft is watching out for Mary. Since the script has already given Sherlock most every cliched eccentricity, Mycroft is a nudist for some reason.
Mycroft: Take THIS, fangirls who said they wanted to see "Holmes naked." Eat literalism!
Mary: No, seriously, what the hell is your impact on this plot?
Then the gypsies make Sherlock and Watson dance so tumblr has something to make gifs of. That done, they go to see the anarchists that Sim's brother was involved with. It leads them to a bombing in process which Sherlock fails to stop due to a miscalculation on his part, which you'd think would be a big deal, but he never mentions it again.
Sherlock: We need to get to the next setpiece. Also, Sim hasn't done anything useful for, like, half an hour.
Sim: We gypsies know a lot about crossing borders!
They ride horses through a forest, which Sherlock and Watson never would have thought of on their own. Eventually, they find a munitions factory. Sherlock is captured and tortured just to make all the parents in the audience uncomfortable they went to see this instead of The Muppets (and also to make the Sherlock/Moriarty feud really, really, really personal), but they escape. The various gypsies who came along with Sherlock and Watson for some reason are killed. For a while, it seems like Moriarty's lieutenant, Sebastian Moran, is the anti-Watson, but then that never comes up again. They board a train, then Sherlock dies for no reason, so Watson brings him back to life with the adrenaline.
Watson: That was the point of the adrenaline subplot? To save you from dying from a shoulder wound? What's next, are we going to get a magic spell that can cure any injury and use it to save Mary after she breaks her neck falling down the stairs?
Sherlock: At least this means there won't be ANOTHER scene where it looks like I've died, but then a clumsily-foreshadowed McGuffin saves my life.
THERE IS.
They go to see Mycroft, who explains that there's a peace conference which Moriarty will sabotage to cause a war, but he can't do anything about it.
Sherlock: Will you have one goddamn effect on the plot, please?
Mycroft: No. This script is far too lazy for that. I approve.
Sherlock and Moriarty play chess while Watson and Sim look for Sim's brother.
Watson: Sim, you haven't been useful in thirty minutes! Find your brother!
Sim: He got plastic surgery! He could be anyone!
Watson: Why are you even in this movie!? Wait... what if the assassin is acting so hard... that he can't act surprised about someone dropping a tray?
He does and it WORKS. Then Sebastian Moran kills him and runs off before the script can come up with a resolution for his character.
Moriaty: Europe will still go to war. It's inevitable. That's why I control all the industries that will profit from a world war.
Sherlock: So why are you going to so much trouble to start an inevitable war? And what does this have to do with the radio you wanted in the last movie?
Moriarty: Why did you dance with Watson in the last scene? Was the sight of two men dancing in Victorian England really less conspicuous than you just standing next to him and pointing him towards the assassin?
Sherlock: ...touche. But it might interest you to know that I found your personal notebook and have sent a trusted associate to dismantle your financial empire.
Moriaty: So that's why Mycroft is in this movie!
Sherlock: Actually, no. Mary and Lestrade did it.
Moriarty: Lestrade? HE WASN'T EVEN IN THIS MOVIE UP TO NOW! THIS MAKES NO SENSE! I'LL KILL YOU!
Sherlock and Mycroft mentally plan out their hand-to-hand combat, because neither of the two geniuses thought to bring a weapon to their life-or-death confrontation.
Moriarty: Logic dictates that I'll win this fight unless you do something totally unexpected!
Sherlock: Like sacrifice myself to kill you?
Moriarty: Obviously, it's completely illogical, if you're going to die anyway, to take your killer with you. Even if you said earlier that you would do exactly that.
Sherlock: Then it looks like we're both going to die! Unless I have some sort of oxygen tank. Because falling hundreds of feet into freezing cold water is fine, so long as you have an oxygen tank.
Mycroft: Has anyone seen my oxygen tank? I was told it might be important to the plot.
Finally, Sim goes off and does something or other. Or the movie just forgets about her as she stands by her brother's corpse and cries.
THE END?
Also, I saw the Dark Knight Rises trailer.
1. I could understand Bane. It just sounded like he was talking through a gas mask, and I like the gas mask. It has a good design (less luchadore and more Giger) and it gets rid of the stupid "just pull the tubes out" thing with Bane.
2. I like that they're not only keeping Catwoman's poverty status, but making it a major motivation. Catwoman and Black Cat are the same archetype, but I've always distinguished them as Felicia being a rich bitch thrill-of-the-hunt cat burglar who deservedly reformed, while Selina is a social justice-driven cat burglar (with a side of thrill-of-the-hunt) who deservedly doesn't reform.
In the 19th century, a string of terrorist bombings is about to plunge Europe into war. The audience rejoices at yet another post-9/11 movie about warmongering white capitalists that doesn't star Matt Damon (seriously, he's made that movie four times. I counted). Sherlock Holmes, dressed as Mickey Rooney in Breakfast At Tiffany's, beats up some of Irene Adler's men (since he now has the power to actually predict fights in advance and not just plan out his attacks) and saves her from a bomb.
Irene: Well, it's incredibly obvious that the man who made me unknowingly deliver a bomb was smart enough to realize I'd probably die in the explosion. He must be trying to kill me! (beat) I'd better go have dinner with him.
Irene goes to dinner with Professor Moriarty, who kills her because every fight between hero and villain has to be PERSONAL. And now that a woman is dead, onto some light-hearted frolics!
John Watson returns from... somewhere to find that Sherlock has been investigating the movie's exposition.
Sherlock: The villain is Professor Moriarty!
Watson: No duh, Irene told you that in the last movie.
Sherlock: Hey, check out this shot of adrenaline that can bring things back to life.
Watson: This will surely pay a pivotal role in things to come!
It doesn't.
Using a letter Sherlock got from the man who Irene was delivering a package to from Moriarty, but not the package that Sherlock switched with hers, and not the letter telling the prince to kill Rosencrantz and Guildenstein, Sherlock investigates Moriarty by throwing Watson a fake stag party at a dance hall.
Watson: Sherlock, you forgot my stag party!
Sherlock: Oh, come on, I'm Sherlock Holmes, I remember fifty million things. How could I forget your stag party? (beat) Oh, right, it's wacky.
Sherlock meets the gypsy Sim, who uses her knife-fighting skills to help Sherlock fight off an assassin.
Sherlock: Those knife-fighting skills should come in handy later.
They don't. Watson also gets drunk and shows up at his wedding hungover, which seems to be more his fault than a wacky shenanigan that Holmes is responsible for. Also, Mycroft is there for some reason.
Mycroft: I'm eventually going to do something in this plot!
Watson and Mary get married.
Sherlock: You don't really want to get married, Watson! You want to keep having thinly veiled gay adventures with me!
Watson: Didn't we resolve this plot in the last movie?
Sherlock: Nope!
Sherlock gets an invitation to talk to Moriarty, and they go to his place so Sherlock can pick up on some obvious clues.
Moriarty: I killed Irene Adler!
Sherlock: No! She was kinda my girlfriend!
He then forgets all about her.
Moriarty: I'm also going to kill Watson.
Sherlock: You monster! Now it's personal!
Moriaty: So if you hate me for trying to kill Watson, why was it necessary for me to kill Irene?
Sherlock: We had to explain away that Rachel McAdams was busy doing Morning Glory 2: Afternoon Glory SOMEHOW.
Sherlock goes to save Mary and Watson from assassins, which requires him to dress like a lady, which is something gay people do. In movies from the 1980s.
Sherlock: I had to put this disguise together on short notice.
Watson: Didn't you put a better disguise together in fifteen seconds in the last movie?
Sherlock: Let's lie down on the floor together. That's something gay people do.
Sherlock also throws Mary off a train and into a river to get her out of harm's way. Mycroft was waiting there because Sherlock could predict, on the fly, which river the train would be passing over when the assassins attacked.
Mycroft: I serve a vital function in this plot that could only otherwise be accomplished by being able to swim.
Sherlock and Holmes blow up most of the train to kill the assassins. In light of the string of terrorist bombings that have Europe nearly at war, the authorities apparently let them off with a firm warning. They go to see Sim at a gypsy camp, where the gypsies steal all of Watson's luggage.
Watson: Why'd I bring my luggage to a gypsy camp?
Sherlock: That's what you get for not believing in ethnic stereotypes.
Sim reaches into her magic bag of plot utility and tells them about her brother, who is intimately involved with Moriarty. She comes close to having a personality on several occasions, but never quite manages it.
Sherlock: So, you have a personal connection with one of the villain's henchmen. I bet that will come into play later.
NOT REALLY.
Meanwhile, Mycroft is watching out for Mary. Since the script has already given Sherlock most every cliched eccentricity, Mycroft is a nudist for some reason.
Mycroft: Take THIS, fangirls who said they wanted to see "Holmes naked." Eat literalism!
Mary: No, seriously, what the hell is your impact on this plot?
Then the gypsies make Sherlock and Watson dance so tumblr has something to make gifs of. That done, they go to see the anarchists that Sim's brother was involved with. It leads them to a bombing in process which Sherlock fails to stop due to a miscalculation on his part, which you'd think would be a big deal, but he never mentions it again.
Sherlock: We need to get to the next setpiece. Also, Sim hasn't done anything useful for, like, half an hour.
Sim: We gypsies know a lot about crossing borders!
They ride horses through a forest, which Sherlock and Watson never would have thought of on their own. Eventually, they find a munitions factory. Sherlock is captured and tortured just to make all the parents in the audience uncomfortable they went to see this instead of The Muppets (and also to make the Sherlock/Moriarty feud really, really, really personal), but they escape. The various gypsies who came along with Sherlock and Watson for some reason are killed. For a while, it seems like Moriarty's lieutenant, Sebastian Moran, is the anti-Watson, but then that never comes up again. They board a train, then Sherlock dies for no reason, so Watson brings him back to life with the adrenaline.
Watson: That was the point of the adrenaline subplot? To save you from dying from a shoulder wound? What's next, are we going to get a magic spell that can cure any injury and use it to save Mary after she breaks her neck falling down the stairs?
Sherlock: At least this means there won't be ANOTHER scene where it looks like I've died, but then a clumsily-foreshadowed McGuffin saves my life.
THERE IS.
They go to see Mycroft, who explains that there's a peace conference which Moriarty will sabotage to cause a war, but he can't do anything about it.
Sherlock: Will you have one goddamn effect on the plot, please?
Mycroft: No. This script is far too lazy for that. I approve.
Sherlock and Moriarty play chess while Watson and Sim look for Sim's brother.
Watson: Sim, you haven't been useful in thirty minutes! Find your brother!
Sim: He got plastic surgery! He could be anyone!
Watson: Why are you even in this movie!? Wait... what if the assassin is acting so hard... that he can't act surprised about someone dropping a tray?
He does and it WORKS. Then Sebastian Moran kills him and runs off before the script can come up with a resolution for his character.
Moriaty: Europe will still go to war. It's inevitable. That's why I control all the industries that will profit from a world war.
Sherlock: So why are you going to so much trouble to start an inevitable war? And what does this have to do with the radio you wanted in the last movie?
Moriarty: Why did you dance with Watson in the last scene? Was the sight of two men dancing in Victorian England really less conspicuous than you just standing next to him and pointing him towards the assassin?
Sherlock: ...touche. But it might interest you to know that I found your personal notebook and have sent a trusted associate to dismantle your financial empire.
Moriaty: So that's why Mycroft is in this movie!
Sherlock: Actually, no. Mary and Lestrade did it.
Moriarty: Lestrade? HE WASN'T EVEN IN THIS MOVIE UP TO NOW! THIS MAKES NO SENSE! I'LL KILL YOU!
Sherlock and Mycroft mentally plan out their hand-to-hand combat, because neither of the two geniuses thought to bring a weapon to their life-or-death confrontation.
Moriarty: Logic dictates that I'll win this fight unless you do something totally unexpected!
Sherlock: Like sacrifice myself to kill you?
Moriarty: Obviously, it's completely illogical, if you're going to die anyway, to take your killer with you. Even if you said earlier that you would do exactly that.
Sherlock: Then it looks like we're both going to die! Unless I have some sort of oxygen tank. Because falling hundreds of feet into freezing cold water is fine, so long as you have an oxygen tank.
Mycroft: Has anyone seen my oxygen tank? I was told it might be important to the plot.
Finally, Sim goes off and does something or other. Or the movie just forgets about her as she stands by her brother's corpse and cries.
THE END?
Also, I saw the Dark Knight Rises trailer.
1. I could understand Bane. It just sounded like he was talking through a gas mask, and I like the gas mask. It has a good design (less luchadore and more Giger) and it gets rid of the stupid "just pull the tubes out" thing with Bane.
2. I like that they're not only keeping Catwoman's poverty status, but making it a major motivation. Catwoman and Black Cat are the same archetype, but I've always distinguished them as Felicia being a rich bitch thrill-of-the-hunt cat burglar who deservedly reformed, while Selina is a social justice-driven cat burglar (with a side of thrill-of-the-hunt) who deservedly doesn't reform.
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no subject
Date: 2011-12-18 08:50 pm (UTC)Watson: This will surely pay a pivotal role in things to come!
It doesn't.
It was used to revive Holmes after the armaments factory shootout.
Regarding the female characters, it feels like both of these movies are struggling to find a logical place to fit a prominent female character into the Holmes/Watson dynamic, without doing the love interest thing, since Holmes really isn't romantic. Heck, even Young Sherlock Holmes ended with proto-Hermione getting iced.
Though Mary actually shows promise in this movie. She wields a gun at one point, suggests to Watson that they toss a guy out of a moving train, and helps wrap up Moriarty's bank accounts.
no subject
Date: 2011-12-18 09:32 pm (UTC)