Lezbos Part 7
Nov. 2nd, 2011 01:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficJust to fuel the fan-casting fire, here's some gifs of Kat Dennings and Natalie Portman.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Alicia is facing us. She looks put out.
ALICIA: So her guy friend's coming to dinner tonight. Not only do I have to cook, but we haven't even been fake-gay for a week and already she's got someone on the backburner. Like this was all about landing a guy! Well, it's not! This is about bonding! I thought we were going on an adventure. Saying you're gay for a week isn't an adventure, that's college! And no, I'm not being selfish, I'm thinking of her! She is not ready to be in a relationship right now, I don't care what she thinks. She was dating that loser for a year. They had an anniversary. They had anniversary sex! She's like someone who's lost a limb. She needs to relearn how to use her self-esteem and how to interact with people who aren't crap. So I'm going to have to be a good friend and twat-block her. I think that's what Jesus would do.
Reverse angle on a middle-aged BUSINESSMAN, gob-smacked.
BUSINESSMAN: This is a job interview.
Alicia shrugs elaborately.
ALICIA: You were the one who asked "How are you?"
INT. ALICIA'S APARTMENT – EVENING
At the now-immaculate dinner table, Alicia and Billie are having dinner with TAD, an offensively inoffensive guy. They're laughing and having a good time, except for Alicia, who is herding her peas around the dinner plate like a teenager in a snit.
BILLIE: The funny thing is, I'm still really attracted to guys!
TAD: Oh really?
BILLIE: Yeah. I look at Hugh Jackman and it just does things for me. Isn't that right, Alicia?
ALICIA: Yes. Things.
BILLIE: I'll probably have to have a threesome one of these days, just to get it out of my system.
Tad laughs understandingly. The kitchen timer rings. Billie gets up, doing a little cordial-host dance.
BILLIE: Who's ready for pie?
Exit, stage left. Alicia glare-smiles at Tad.
ALICIA: So. Tad. That's an interesting name. Scandinavian?
TAD: No, actually it's short for Thaddeus.
ALICIA: …I bet you eat with a lot of lesbians.
TAD: You're my first!
Yeah, he's pretty much a Mormon, and friends don't let friends date Mormons. Alicia sips her wine.
ALICIA: Yeah, trust me, I did straight men a favor by taking that one off the market. She's a… she's a handful.
TAD: (shrugs) She seems perfectly nice to me.
ALICIA: Oh, she… leaves the toilet seat up. Why would you date a woman who leaves the toilet seat up!
TAD: Well, that wouldn't really be an issue for me.
Alicia does a slow burn as she wipes her mouth with a napkin. Bitchified, she drops it to the ground.
ALICIA: You're right, actually. She isn't so bad. I love her, you know, she just has a few emotional issues. From her dad killing her mom. And her brother being her uncle.
TAD: Oh. Okay.
ALICIA: But three of her four personalities are angels!
Billie comes back, still doing her little dance.
BILLIE: Pieeee!
ALICIA: Hey, did you see my prescription anywhere in there?
BILLIE: Your prescription? No.
ALICIA: (to Tad) It's somewhere around here. If you see a prescription bag, holla!
They laugh good-naturedly.
ALICIA: My herpes medication is in there.
She kisses Billie on the cheek and licks her ear. Billie could not be more confused.
BILLIE: (to Tad) Don't worry, we practice safe sex.
ALICIA: I use the Rhythm Method.
INT. ALICIA'S APARTMENT – KITCHEN – EVENING
Tad, looking a bit frightened, is doing dishes with Alicia.
ALICIA: You know Tad, I was wrong about you. You seem like a pretty nice guy.
TAD: Why, thank you, Alicia.
ALICIA: Have you ever had a threesome?
TAD: (playing it cool) Well, no, not lately.
ALICIA: Good, good. But tell me this… have you ever watched shizer porn?
INT. ALICIA'S APARTMENT – LATER
Alicia watches through the window as Tad peels off in his car.
ALICIA: You better run.
Billie comes over to join her.
BILLIE: I can't believe he didn't want any pie.
ALICIA: The path of love never did run true.
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INT. OFFICE – DAY
Alicia is facing us. She looks put out.
ALICIA: So her guy friend's coming to dinner tonight. Not only do I have to cook, but we haven't even been fake-gay for a week and already she's got someone on the backburner. Like this was all about landing a guy! Well, it's not! This is about bonding! I thought we were going on an adventure. Saying you're gay for a week isn't an adventure, that's college! And no, I'm not being selfish, I'm thinking of her! She is not ready to be in a relationship right now, I don't care what she thinks. She was dating that loser for a year. They had an anniversary. They had anniversary sex! She's like someone who's lost a limb. She needs to relearn how to use her self-esteem and how to interact with people who aren't crap. So I'm going to have to be a good friend and twat-block her. I think that's what Jesus would do.
Reverse angle on a middle-aged BUSINESSMAN, gob-smacked.
BUSINESSMAN: This is a job interview.
Alicia shrugs elaborately.
ALICIA: You were the one who asked "How are you?"
INT. ALICIA'S APARTMENT – EVENING
At the now-immaculate dinner table, Alicia and Billie are having dinner with TAD, an offensively inoffensive guy. They're laughing and having a good time, except for Alicia, who is herding her peas around the dinner plate like a teenager in a snit.
BILLIE: The funny thing is, I'm still really attracted to guys!
TAD: Oh really?
BILLIE: Yeah. I look at Hugh Jackman and it just does things for me. Isn't that right, Alicia?
ALICIA: Yes. Things.
BILLIE: I'll probably have to have a threesome one of these days, just to get it out of my system.
Tad laughs understandingly. The kitchen timer rings. Billie gets up, doing a little cordial-host dance.
BILLIE: Who's ready for pie?
Exit, stage left. Alicia glare-smiles at Tad.
ALICIA: So. Tad. That's an interesting name. Scandinavian?
TAD: No, actually it's short for Thaddeus.
ALICIA: …I bet you eat with a lot of lesbians.
TAD: You're my first!
Yeah, he's pretty much a Mormon, and friends don't let friends date Mormons. Alicia sips her wine.
ALICIA: Yeah, trust me, I did straight men a favor by taking that one off the market. She's a… she's a handful.
TAD: (shrugs) She seems perfectly nice to me.
ALICIA: Oh, she… leaves the toilet seat up. Why would you date a woman who leaves the toilet seat up!
TAD: Well, that wouldn't really be an issue for me.
Alicia does a slow burn as she wipes her mouth with a napkin. Bitchified, she drops it to the ground.
ALICIA: You're right, actually. She isn't so bad. I love her, you know, she just has a few emotional issues. From her dad killing her mom. And her brother being her uncle.
TAD: Oh. Okay.
ALICIA: But three of her four personalities are angels!
Billie comes back, still doing her little dance.
BILLIE: Pieeee!
ALICIA: Hey, did you see my prescription anywhere in there?
BILLIE: Your prescription? No.
ALICIA: (to Tad) It's somewhere around here. If you see a prescription bag, holla!
They laugh good-naturedly.
ALICIA: My herpes medication is in there.
She kisses Billie on the cheek and licks her ear. Billie could not be more confused.
BILLIE: (to Tad) Don't worry, we practice safe sex.
ALICIA: I use the Rhythm Method.
INT. ALICIA'S APARTMENT – KITCHEN – EVENING
Tad, looking a bit frightened, is doing dishes with Alicia.
ALICIA: You know Tad, I was wrong about you. You seem like a pretty nice guy.
TAD: Why, thank you, Alicia.
ALICIA: Have you ever had a threesome?
TAD: (playing it cool) Well, no, not lately.
ALICIA: Good, good. But tell me this… have you ever watched shizer porn?
INT. ALICIA'S APARTMENT – LATER
Alicia watches through the window as Tad peels off in his car.
ALICIA: You better run.
Billie comes over to join her.
BILLIE: I can't believe he didn't want any pie.
ALICIA: The path of love never did run true.
