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Plot development!



INT. ALICIA'S MILDLY LESS SHITTY APARTMENT – NIGHT

We enter sort of an informal montage. As our girls start cleaning the place up, they also go through various "lesbian" training exercises. Joe Esposito song optional.

--While mopping the kitchen, they listen to Tegan & Sara.

ALICIA: How long do we have to listen to this?

BILLIE: Until we can tell them apart.

Alicia groans.

BILLIE: Ooh! It's a trick question, it's just one woman named Sara Tegan!

--Music continues in the background as Alicia and Billie watch women's soccer. They're not thrilled.

BILLIE: What's the point of not being into guys if you still have to watch sports?

ALICIA: Why would lesbians like this? There aren't even cheerleaders! Hello!

BILLIE: I think it's working… I wouldn't mind cutting myself off a piece of that.

ALICIA: That's the referee. He's a dude.

--Billie dusts and Alicia polishes the wood as they discuss their "sex life."

ALICIA: So I'm on top, we use K-Y Intense, and we do that scissoring thing all the time.

BILLIE: Can we be into bondage? I wanna be a bondage slut!

ALICIA: Not so much that it's, like, a lifestyle. I watched Secretary. It was gross.

BILLIE: Thanks, Mistress Hurt!

--They pose in the mirror, Alicia wearing a power suit, Billie wearing flannel, cargo pants, and Birkenstocks.

ALICIA: How do I look?

BILLIE: Like a Republican who went to get a haircut in the 90s. Me?

ALICIA: I'm gonna go with Canadian.

--Close-up on Billie's face as we hear an electrical buzzing. She's wincing.

ALICIA: (O.S.) It's okay, it's okay… just let it happen.

Billie squeaks as Alicia brings in an electric razor and shears her down to an Ellen haircut.

--They watch Xena: Warrior Princess while doing the dishes. A bit of domesticity has crept into their cleaning.

BILLIE: I don't get what the big deal is. They're just two women who are really close friends.

--Outside, the girls spray-paint "END PHALLUS SLAVERY" on the side of a building. Then they high-five cutely.

--Billie and Alicia go through a grocery store, filling their cart with vegetables and fruit.

BILLIE: (re: cucumber) Are we going to…

ALICIA: We're vegetarians now, Billie. It's on the list.

BILLIE: But I like meeeeat.

ALICIA: You're a horrible lesbian.

--The girls try on thumb rings and wristbands. Billie wiggles her thumb around in an ornately Gothic ring.

BILLIE: This looks like a Horcrux.

ALICIA: (holding up a ring) I'm going to throw this one into Mount Doom.

--A dozen purses are locked in a cupboard. When it's closed, reveal Billie and Alicia now carry butch leather satchels.

BILLIE: I feel like Indiana Jones!

ALICIA: Then I get to be Marion.

BILLIE: I wanted to be Marion!

ALICIA: You're Willie Scott.

BILLIE: Take it back!

ALICIA: Sorry, that was over the line.

BILLIE: I forgive you.

--On the couch, the girls watch the special features on Imagine Me & You and mimic Lean Headey and Piper Perabo touching. Billie takes it too far, feeling out Alicia's face like a blind person. Alicia slaps her hands away. She tepidly taps Billie's knee.

--Billie and Alicia stand in front of Alicia's freshly-made bed. It's big enough for two. Billie looks at the list.

BILLIE: 'Sleep together.' What do you think that means?

ALICIA: It kinda makes sense. If we're pretending to be a couple, we should be used to sleeping in the same bed.

BILLIE: Then why doesn't she just call it a sleepover? That's what it is.

ALICIA: Maybe they don't have sleepovers in Mother Russia.

Billie starts taking off her clothes.

ALICIA: What are you doing?

BILLIE: Getting ready for bed. What, are you going to sleep in your boots?

CUT TO Billie and Alicia in bed. Billie wears a nightgown, Alicia T-shirt and panties. They're above the covers.

BILLIE: So, this is valuable experience.

ALICIA: (lost in thought) On the other hand, next time someone shouts "Lezbo!" at me, I can just say "Yup."

BILLIE: People would assume we cuddle, but we don't cuz your feet are cold. Verisimilitude, Alicia.

ALICIA: But then, if I ever run for office, there's evidence of me, you, and a donkey having a three-way. And that I used to be a blonde. There goes the woman vote.

BILLIE: Wanna get under the covers?

ALICIA: Sure.

They struggle under the covers. Alicia inches to the far side of the bed, till her arm dangles off the side, then she backs toward Billie a little. Billie turns toward her.

BILLIE: Alicia?

ALICIA: Yeah?

BILLIE: Thanks for doing this for me. I have a good feeling about this. I think it's really going to turn out well.

ALICIA: Uh-huh.

BILLIE: There isn't anyone I'd rather have as a fake lesbian girlfriend.

ALICIA: Angelina Jolie.

BILLIE: No, she's anorexic.

ALICIA: Tomb Raider Angelina Jolie.

BILLIE: You might as well say Greta Garbo.

ALICIA: Fine. I would prefer Greta Garbo as a fake lesbian girlfriend.

Billie makes a face at her.

BILLIE: Would Greta Garbo scratch your back?

Alicia croons in pleasure as Billie itches her.

BILLIE: What's next on the list? I figure we should power through it before the weekend's up, then we can start the deception when we come back to work. We can tell everyone we had a wild three-day sexfest. With one of us dressed as a French maid! (beat) Ally? The list?

ALICIA: I'm in my happy place.

Billie stops scratching to reach past Alicia and grab the list from the bedstand.

BILLIE: Huh. It just says 'first base.'

ALICIA: Give me that. (grabs it) Huh.

They look at each other.

BILLIE: Well, it makes sense. If we were girlfriends, we'd kiss, so we should… practice.

ALICIA: I don't suppose we can be the kind of lesbians that never touch in public, like Michelle Rodriguez.

BILLIE: Maybe you could just kiss me on the cheek every so often. Or on the hand, like lesbians in Victorian—

Alicia suddenly sweeps in and lays one on Billie. Billie's eyes stay open for the good ten seconds it takes for Alicia to kiss her, but when Alicia pulls her back, her mouth hangs slack like it wasn't entirely unpleasant.

ALICIA: I'll just do that every now and then.

She turns away from Billie and curls up to sleep.

BILLIE: Okay. That's cool. Not how I would've done it, but…

Bugged, Alicia takes a few seconds to turn back around.

ALICIA: Alright. How would you do it?

Billie geeks out over kissing. Because why wouldn't she?

BILLIE: Okay, in high school, I had this great boyfriend, and our first kiss was so romantic—

ALICIA: (snarky) Why don't you hit him up on Facebook, see if he's still available? Did he get married?

BILLIE: No, he got hit by a train. But before that, it was a very healthy relationship. Before we kissed, he touched me—

Billie strokes Alicia's face. Alicia looks at her hand like it was an alien tentacle.

BILLIE: It was almost like he was asking for permission. Then he moved in slowly, like he was going to tell me a secret.

Billie moves closer and closer to Alicia's face, her voice dropping. It's actually kind of sexy. Alicia's eyes glaze over a bit.

BILLIE: He brought his lips up to mine—and stopped, right there. To let me take the last step. (beat, pulls back, normal voice) So, anyway, FYI!

Alicia blinks away some confusion.

ALICIA: Yeah. We could try that if we're… right.

She turns back around. Billie gets the lights. We stay on Alicia as her face displays consternation, eyes wobbling like they want to go over her shoulder and look at Billie. Finally, creakingly slowly, she turns over. Billie is cuddled up with a pillow.

ALICIA: What are you doing to my pillow?

BILLIE: Oh, I, uh… (fragile smile) Zane used to cuddle with me. It's just a little hard to get to sleep without.

ALICIA: Zane? Was a cuddler?

BILLIE: We worked out a deal. In exchange, I—

ALICIA: Don't really wanna know.

BILLIE: Compromise is the basis of a healthy relationship.

ALICIA: (teasing) Does pretending to be your girlfriend in the first place count?

Billie giggles, cheered up. Moving with swagger, Alicia rips the pillow away and shoves herself against Billie. Billie lets out a surprised, pleased "oh!"

ALICIA: What?

BILLIE: Nothing. It's just---your leg.

ALICIA: What about it?

BILLIE: It's between my legs. (beat) It feels kinda good.

Alicia bites her lip. Billie watches. Then Alicia pulls the sheets away from Billie and rolls on top of her, Billie moaning hard as Alicia's leg flexes. Alicia grabs Billie's face with both hands, Billie looking up at her with wide, frightened, excited eyes. As Billie continues to cry out with pleasure, Alicia takes her sweet time in lowering her lips to Billie's. She stops moving an inch from Billie, her leg no longer pleasuring her. For a moment, their eyes meet. Then Billie grabs Alicia by the throat and surges up to her mouth—

CUT TO Alicia's eyes popping open. Yeah, fuck you, it was a dream sequence. She's still in bed, facing away from Billie, and when she turns over to see Billie asleep, she flails her way out of bed.

INT. ALICIA'S NO LONGER SHITTY APARTMENT – BATHROOM - MORNING

Alicia enters the gleaming-clean bathroom to see her reflection in the mirror. Her headlights are on.

ALICIA: (re: nipples) Oh hell no.

Her cell-phone's in her hand, along with the list. She dials Erica's number.

INT. MOTEL ROOM – MORNING

Erica is smoking a cigarette, dressed as a nun. She answers her phone.

ERICA: Yello?

ALICIA: (filtered) Yello? Really?

Intercut as needed. Alicia is trying to get her nipples back to DEFCON 5, rubbing her hands together and pressing her warm palms against her breasts.

ERICA: So. Little girl couldn't satisfy big sister's needs. You call right girl. I hook you up with your bad self.

ALICIA: I'm not a lesbian. I've been over this. Now tell me how you knew you were into girls?

ERICA: It was at orgy. I was between two guys when girl crawl in on all fours…

ALICIA: That's not helpful. What if you had, like, a sex dream about someone? That happens, right? To people you're not at all attracted to and just really like as a person?

ERICA: I had sex dream about Howard Dean once. Don't think he'd make good relationship, but I like his politics.

ALICIA: (getting nowhere) Tell me this: Do cold showers work for girls?

ERICA: If you don't think about cuddling with friend-girl for warmth during, yes.

Alicia hangs up and turns the shower on. Erica finishes her cigarette. She walks onto the set portion of the room, where porn stars are dressed as JESUS, A CATHOLIC PRIEST, AND AN ALTAR BOY (midget).

ERICA: Action.

INT. ALICIA'S NO LONGER SHITTY APARTMENT – BATHROOM - MORNING

Alicia stands under the cold water. Forty-one pages to get to the gratuitous shower scene. She finishes, opens the pebbled glass door, and sees Billie standing there. HORROR MOVIE STING.

ALICIA: Oh… hey.

BILLIE: You done?

ALICIA: …yeah…

BILLIE: Cool.

She sheds her robe. Alicia averts her eyes. Just so you know, this scene is shot in PG-13-Rama.

ALICIA: Whoa! Since when are you queen of the nudity?

BILLIE: Well, since we're lesbians, we should know what each other looks like naked.

Pause.

ALICIA: (eyes still averted) Billie, are you looking at me naked?

BILLIE: Yeah. (beat) Is there a problem? Are you feeling bloated? I hate people looking at me then, even when I have clothes on.

ALICIA: No. That's not what I'm feeling. Are you done?

Alicia crosses her arms. Billie uncrosses them.

BILLIE: (reading) Who's Bruce?

ALICIA: Someone I can't afford to remove because my insurance says it would be an elective procedure. But if anyone asks, I just really love Batman.

BILLIE: Mmm. (lower) Oh, is that a landing strip?

ALICIA: Aircraft carrier.

BILLIE: What's the difference?

ALICIA: I'll tell you when you're older. Done?

BILLIE: Yeah. Turn around.

Alicia does.

BILLIE: (reading) Who's Clark?

INT. ALICIA'S NO LONGER SHITTY APARTMENT – MORNING

Wrapped in a bathrobe, Alicia leaves.

BILLIE: (O.S.) You sure you don't want a good look at me? I have a lot of birthmarks!

ALICIA: I think I got the gist of it.

BILLIE: (O.S.) You can take a picture if you want.
(deleted comment)

Date: 2011-09-10 03:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] seriousfic.livejournal.com
I'm open to suggestions. Although Natalie Portman is still totally an option!

Date: 2011-09-12 02:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyroskittle.livejournal.com
Christine Ricci. Ricci is frikken hilarious, she'd totally pull it off with aplomb.

Date: 2011-09-13 07:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gothic-pegusus.livejournal.com
I'm still picturing the actresses of Cara and Kahlan for the roles...but I doubt they'll ever want to. Sadness :( For some reason...I'm picturing the woman who played Serena in The Devil Wears Prada as Erica.

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