seriousfic

Same story as before. I thought up a femslash mash-up of No Strings Attached/Friends With Benefits, people said they wanted to see it, here's the script.

There's a screenwriting theory that goes female audiences like to see their female protagonists go through a humiliation congo before they get on board with them. It sounds sexist, but then again, as the philosopher said, bitches be crazy. So I thought I'd split the difference and make Alicia the one who's likable because she does and says badass things, while Billie is such a woobie that you (hopefully) can't help but want for her to get it together. Let's see who runs away with the audience's hearts.

INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – BEDROOM – EARLY MORNING

Billie is buried in sheets, a quilt, a sleep mask, and headphones playing ocean music. She suddenly wakes up with a shout.

BILLIE: Edward Cullen, no!

She pauses, feels at her face, takes off the sleep mask. Whew, she's not blind. Billie looks over at Zane's side of the bed and, scare chord, sees a KISS poster. She falls out of bed. Gets up, goes to the poster, moves a lamp in front of it. Now the lamp has Gene Simmons' tongue. She shivers. Where's Zane to comfort her?

INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – EARLY MORNING

Wearing only her nightie, hugging herself, horror movie cinematography as she roams the halls.

BILLIE: Honey? Where are you?

ZANE: (O.S.) Oh fuck yes!

Billie stops, making a face.

BILLIE: Zane? Is that you?

ZANE: (O.S., clearly Zane) Hell yeah!

Billie steps forward cautiously.

BILLIE: Baby, whacha doin'?

ZANE: (O.S.) Goddamn! Stick your finger up my ass!

It occurs to Billie that Zane is having sex, but then she shakes her head. Nah, couldn't be. She opens the door.

To Psycho music, Billie's eyes Sam Raimi to a variety of objects. A latex glove. A bottle of industrial-grade lubricant. A woman in a leather dominatrix outfit. An issue of Cat Fancy.

Although we don't get the full picture (you're welcome, MPAA), Billie's reaction says it all.

ZANE: (naked) It's not what it looks like!

BILLIE: I don't know what it looks like! But it's on my couch! My antique couch that my grandma left me! In her will! When she DIED!

ZANE: Listen, hon, I'm really sorry about this and your grandma's couch.

BILLIE: George Washington made it!

ZANE: Hon! I'm going to be done in, like, five minutes.

WOMAN: Two.

ZANE: Do you think you could go fix your hair or something, it's a mess. Look at Erica here. I've been hardcore fucking her for two hours.

ERICA: Ten minutes.

ZANE: And her hair looks like it was done up by a gay dude!

Billie nods like a bobblehead as she backs out of the room.

INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – KITCHEN – EARLY MORNING

Billie, her hair in curlers, puts on a pot of tea. Outside, we hear a cavalcade of obscene sex noises. Billie looks at the pot, picks up the phone, speed-dials Alicia, hangs up, opens the freezer, pulls out a carton of ice cream, grabs a spoon, struggles with the plastic liner, gets it off, hurls it in the wastebasket—this starts going faster and faster—opens the lid, shoves her entire face in the ice cream, feels shame, pulls out, hides the carton (in a cupboard), washes the spoon she didn't use in the sink, ice cream drips off her chin onto the nightie, she drops the spoon to the ground, cleans her face off with a hand towel, throws the towel in the trash, tries to clean her nightie, rips it, steps on the spoon, picks it up and throws it in the sink, remembers the ice cream, throws the cupboard door open, picks the carton up…

There's a 'coffee ring' of ice cream at the bottom of the cupboard. The teakettle goes off.

INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – KITCHEN – LATER

Billie, Zane, and Erica are seated around the table. Billie looks like hell. Make-up destroyed by the water, bits of ice cream in her hair, curlers ripped out and sitting on the table, nightie in disarray.

BILLIE: Zane, I think we need to talk as a couple. Erica, this concerns you.

Erica, BTW, is an Eastern European beauty who was put on Earth to make Billie feel inadequate. Billie's relentlessly even tone makes her come off as slightly unhinged. PBS isn't this polite.

BILLIE: It's just that, see, I did everything right. I have a subscription to Cosmo, I did all the things on their How To Keep A Man list. I spiced things up in the bedroom, I recorded your favorite shows on the DVR even though it meant I missed Leverage and had to catch up on DVD even though I was already spoiled for all the big stuff because all it takes is one person without the common courtesy to warn for spoilers and I bought you a smoking jacket so you could feel like Hugh Hefner, he's a man, and I'm supposed to make you feel like a man, that's why you'll stay with me, I let you be the man and wield the masculine energy, but you never wore my smoking jacket, you never wore the smoking jacket!

ZANE: Honey bunny…

BILLIE: I got it on discount! I can't return it. I paid two hundred bucks for a smoking jacket and you don't smoke!

ZANE: Actually, I do. Just not around you. You see why I need someone I can be honest with.

Billie downs her teacup in one gulp, then puts it down so hard it breaks.

ZANE: Is there alcohol in that?

BILLIE: No.

Erica takes Billie's hand, too friendly.

ERICA: Billie, I know this is a difficult time for you, but you can do a lot better. It's just the dating scene sucks now. All the good guys are coming out of the closet. I'm bisexual, that's double the dating pool, and he's still the best I can do. If I had cousins, I'd prefer incest.

ZANE: Billie, I can't believe you're making me do this, but I think you should go.

Billie stands, looking as endearingly pathetic as a puppy with no legs. Her lips are wobbling for God's sake.

BILLIE: I'll just go pack my things.

ZANE: Leave the green dress, I think it'd look really awesome on Erica.

INT. ALICIA'S SHITTY APARTMENT – MORNING

Alicia opens the door to find Billie with her lip stuck in wobble. She still looks like a virgin at the end of a slasher movie.

ALICIA: Zane?

Billie finally breaks down in tears. It's the great deluge. Alicia nods.

ALICIA: Zane.

Alicia guides Billie inside, steering her away from the larger messes. Billie is crying too hard to notice. They sit down on the couch after Alicia kicks a week's worth of take-out away. She hugs Billie, petting her hair.

ALICIA: It's okay. S'okay. Tell me all about it.

BILLIE: (hung up) I gave him a blowjob on a plane!

ALICIA: (different tack) Shh, shh, don't speak.

EXT. ALICIA'S SHITTY APARTMENT – DAY

Time passes. Billie finally stops crying.

INT. ALICIA'S SHITTY APARTMENT – DAY

Alicia gives Billie's back one last stroke and tries to move. Billie makes a little noise of protest. She's asleep, but still attached to Alicia. Alicia, surprisingly, kicks off her shoes and lies down, drawing Billie on top of her. Billie ends up with her head resting on Alicia's chest. Alicia pulls a blanket from the back of the couch, covers them both.

ALICIA: Are you listening, Billie? Can you hear me? This is a good thing. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but you deserve so much better. You deserve a boyfriend from, like, the specialty store of boyfriends, not one you bought at a gas station and you're just happy you don't have to go someplace else because he's the last one in stock. If he deserved you, if he could see how special you are, he'd never let you go. (beat) I wish I could make you see yourself like I see you.

Billie starts to snore.