Spider-Man XXX: A Porn Parody: A Review
Aug. 8th, 2011 05:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficWe start off in Sin City, where Maxwell Dillon is working on some power lines when he's struck by lightning. They cut out the origin bit where he's being a total dick about being an electrician, but other than that, yeah, comics. Radioactive spider, lightning strike—in the Spider-Man-verse, things don't kill you so much as give you superpowers. It's amazing Uncle Ben didn't hop right back up as the Brilliant Bulletman!
Aww, honey, we rented The Spirit XXX: A Porn Parody by mistake.
After the credits and a quick check-in with Dillon—yup, he has electrical powers and I'm sure that's not the nice kind of maniacal laughter—we find J. Jonah Jameson complaining that Spider-Man has framed Kraven for murder. "You also say Nixon is misunderstood," Peter replies. Hey, didn't he see Frost/Nixon? Dude just wanted some respect.
Peter gets himself fired and—wait, I just realized this is the one genre where Jameson's moustache is totally appropriate. Scary thought. Peter leaves a commiserating Betty Brant and Robbie Robertson, when Robbie asks Betty for her thoughts on a sexual harassment story. And with a pick-up line like that, is it any wonder they go into the hallway to immediately bang?
Look, I get that they're doing an interracial kink, but why Robbie Robertson? Couldn't they pick some other black guy to do the honors, like… uh… umm... Tombstone? No, he's an albino. Rocket Racer? No, paying a woman to have sex with someone pretending to be Rocket Racer is legally rape. Hmm…
Goddamn, Joe Quesada, look where your racism has gotten us! Now the only person who can conceivably conform to stereotypical depictions of African-American sexual prowess is J. Jonah Jameson's foil.
Cut to the funeral of Norman Osborn, where Harry responds to Gwen's offer of comfort (and since this is a porno, I'm sure she does mean it that way) with a preference for a shot of whiskey and, no doubt, a DRUGS! chaser. Look at it this way, Harry—there's going to be a lot less competition for you in the lady department. If some pretty blonde thing wants a dude with crazy fucked-up hair, you're the only game in town.
By the way, it's a little odd that Peter Parker sounds like he smokes two packs a day. Just saying.
Peter pays a visit to Aunt May—god, May Parker in a porno, I'm having PTSD flashbacks to Trouble!—where he reunites with Mary-Jane for the first time since they were kids. She used to beat him up when they were five. And now she'll beat him off. Life: the richest tapestry.
Face it, tiger, you just hit the jackpot. All over my face and breasts.
Meanwhile, in a sleazy motel, Electro is having his way with a sex worker. I'm not sure how comics-accurate that is, as an issue of Marvel Knights Spider-Man implied he was gay for Spidey (like, seriously, a third of Spider-Man's rogue's gallery. Romp around with skintight spandex over an ass that won't quit, you'll attract a crowd), but then, it was written by Mark Millar, so it's best to pretend it never happened and try to remember a time when you actually liked the characters he's writing.
But at least we finally got to see Carlie Cooper make her way to the screen. *ba-dum tish*
Electro finishes and eleculates all over Carlie, killing her. Maybe he and Old!Peter from Spider-Man: Reign should form a club. Just then, Wilson Fisk reveals himself, because apparently you can just not notice this guy.
That cigar is five seconds away from getting Clintoned.
Though to be fair, the Kingpin watching you have sex is a more villainous plan than anything he did in the Daredevil movie.
Cut to Peter and Mary-Jane walking back from a performance by Dazzler… seriously, how can someone in the porn industry be enough of a virgin to throw in a Dazzler reference? MJ is about to hit Peter's jackpot—that must've been a really good show—when his Spider-sense goes off. Peter runs off to change into his Spider-Man togs, leaving MJ to be menaced by a street gang. I don't know, I think that problem could've just been solved by going back inside. Spider-Man rescues her, in a low-budget kinda way.
Look, you know they're gonna kiss upside-down and then she's gonna give him an upside-down blowjob, I know they're gonna kiss upside-down and then she's gonna give him an upside-down blowjob, let's just move on, shall we? Although bonus points for continuing "the Love Theme from the Spider-Man Porno" throughout third base. But no "shooting web" joke? If the man can make a joke while he's fighting Firelord, you'd think he could come up with a quip for getting weiner-nozzled by a redhead.
More of the adventures of dead-hooker!Electro. The Kingpin wants him to steal an item for him, and they do the bit from the first arc of New Avengers where Electro decides to go costume instead of no-costume. And given that this is a porn parody, there was a very real chance of him going on a rampage with his bits dangly, so thank God for Electro's costume.
How is it that the Green Goblin is from an official big-budget movie and Electro is from a porno?
What? You remember the first arc of New Avengers? Where it looked like Electro was going to become an A-list villain, but then he immediately got punked by Luke Cage, just like Green Goblin did in the big 'Fall of Norman Osborn' storyline. Has anyone ever stopped to consider the racial politics of a Jewish guy writing about a white guy continually getting shown to be less competent than a hulking black man, who also gets married to one of Bendis's original characters before taking over the Avengers? And then in another continuity, written by the same author, Spider-Man dies and is replaced by a black guy? It's like a Glenn Beck rant come to life. I think I'm missing out on some delicious wank here, you guys. [/things you should not say when reviewing porn]
Later, after a Daily Bugle scene (man, you'd think porn + J. Jonah Jameson would get you hilarity, but no. At least have him demand pictures of Spider-Man fucking or something), we find Peter, MJ, Gwen, and Flash getting back from a double date, watching Black Swan. Because that just screams date movie. Spoiler: People are about to have sex. I call bullshit on anyone thinking about intercourse within twenty-four hours of watching Black Swan. I watched it and all I could think for twelve hours was that really, I exist at the sufferance of my fingernails.
Before Mary-Jane and Gwen can flirt anymore, a city-wide black-out hits. Peter rushes off to investigate, leaving the girls with Flash and… yeah.
Okay, time-out. I'm sure one of the main reasons to do a Spider-Man porno is for Gwen and MJ to get their lesbian on. I mean, c'mon. Peter was dressing up in spandex, Harry was doing drugs, it only makes sense that the ladies were into something kinky. But if you ask everyone who ever watched that kicky 90s Spider-Man where no one was allowed to punch anyone, I'm sure not one person would say "Yeah, it would be cool if Gwen and Mary-Jane had sex, but what if it was a threesome with Flash Thompson? Badass!" He's a jerk; it feels a little BND-y for him to get rewarded for that while our hero just gets dingle-tongued. If anything, shouldn't he miss out on sex because Peter webbed his pants on, therefore Spidey has a threesome? That's a logical progression from "Peter uses a small fraction of his spider-powers to knock Flash out."
There are worse ways to get fisted in a porno.
I'm just saying, Robbie Robertson having sex, Flash Thompson threesome, no Black Cat—there are so many wrong choices being made, I'm half-convinced this is being directed by Tom Riddle. And I do realize for variety's sake we have to see other guys than Peter having sex, even though the majority of the Spider-Man female supporting cast is love interests for him, but what's wrong with Harry Osborn? I'm sure most fangirls wouldn't mind watching porn!JamesFranco at work.
Spider-Man shows up at Electro's robbery, and though he manages to catch the arch-villain, his henchmen get away with Kingpin's loot. Spidey would go after them, but Black Widow is there and, honestly, would you go after an escaping criminal with the porn version of Scarlett Johannson there? Uncle Ben would understand.
Black Widow wants Spidey's help in getting back the item Electro stole from SHIELD. Because even though she has other superheroes on the Avengers, he's the only one who knows Electro. Even though Electro just got his origin like, a day ago. And he was just captured. I hate to criticize plot in a porn film, but hey, they're the ones who gave me Robbie Robertson having sex. The gloves are off.
The Widow also has sex with Spider-Man because it's the only way he'll help her get back the stolen item, which seems a little schmiel-y for our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, but then, Mary-Jane did have a threesome with Flash and Gwen because it was dark, so we're obviously acting on Quesada characterization here.
The newest kink in porn: Mind meld sex.
Okay, I know I promised not to get into detail about the sex, but can I just say there's a level of creepiness in someone wearing a full bodysuit and a mask having sex? Blindfold? Sexy. Domino mask? Sexy if you're watching Eyes Wide Shut. Absolutely no skin exposed except for the penis? Unless you own a pawn shop in Pulp Fiction, you can't get off on that. I know everyone hates "the blowjob > guy enjoying a blowjob > blowjob > guy enjoying a blowjob" sequence, but the solution to that is not to take the face completely out of the equation. Otherwise, I feel like I'm watching some serial killer fetish material.
This is what you masturbate to before cutting off Gwyneth Paltrow's head.
I'm just saying, if the Raimi films can have Peter take off his mask because of a spark, the porn films can have him take it off for sex. It's porn, half the genre is people getting stuff squirted onto their faces. The Green Goblin has done everything else in the world to screw with Peter, bukkaking his mask is surely the next logical step. And no one's going to wear a mask with Gobby spooge on it.
Warning! Do not read any further if you do not want to be spoiled for the shocking ending of Spider-Man XXX: A Porn Parody! The Kingpin opens the stolen crate to find Captain America's shield. Now he can hold up a wobbly table with it! And Otto Octavius stops by Aunt May's to rent a room, thus raising the May Parker Sex Scene threat level to orange.
Aww, honey, we rented The Spirit XXX: A Porn Parody by mistake.
After the credits and a quick check-in with Dillon—yup, he has electrical powers and I'm sure that's not the nice kind of maniacal laughter—we find J. Jonah Jameson complaining that Spider-Man has framed Kraven for murder. "You also say Nixon is misunderstood," Peter replies. Hey, didn't he see Frost/Nixon? Dude just wanted some respect.
Peter gets himself fired and—wait, I just realized this is the one genre where Jameson's moustache is totally appropriate. Scary thought. Peter leaves a commiserating Betty Brant and Robbie Robertson, when Robbie asks Betty for her thoughts on a sexual harassment story. And with a pick-up line like that, is it any wonder they go into the hallway to immediately bang?
Look, I get that they're doing an interracial kink, but why Robbie Robertson? Couldn't they pick some other black guy to do the honors, like… uh… umm... Tombstone? No, he's an albino. Rocket Racer? No, paying a woman to have sex with someone pretending to be Rocket Racer is legally rape. Hmm…
Goddamn, Joe Quesada, look where your racism has gotten us! Now the only person who can conceivably conform to stereotypical depictions of African-American sexual prowess is J. Jonah Jameson's foil.
Cut to the funeral of Norman Osborn, where Harry responds to Gwen's offer of comfort (and since this is a porno, I'm sure she does mean it that way) with a preference for a shot of whiskey and, no doubt, a DRUGS! chaser. Look at it this way, Harry—there's going to be a lot less competition for you in the lady department. If some pretty blonde thing wants a dude with crazy fucked-up hair, you're the only game in town.
By the way, it's a little odd that Peter Parker sounds like he smokes two packs a day. Just saying.
Peter pays a visit to Aunt May—god, May Parker in a porno, I'm having PTSD flashbacks to Trouble!—where he reunites with Mary-Jane for the first time since they were kids. She used to beat him up when they were five. And now she'll beat him off. Life: the richest tapestry.
Face it, tiger, you just hit the jackpot. All over my face and breasts.
Meanwhile, in a sleazy motel, Electro is having his way with a sex worker. I'm not sure how comics-accurate that is, as an issue of Marvel Knights Spider-Man implied he was gay for Spidey (like, seriously, a third of Spider-Man's rogue's gallery. Romp around with skintight spandex over an ass that won't quit, you'll attract a crowd), but then, it was written by Mark Millar, so it's best to pretend it never happened and try to remember a time when you actually liked the characters he's writing.
But at least we finally got to see Carlie Cooper make her way to the screen. *ba-dum tish*
Electro finishes and eleculates all over Carlie, killing her. Maybe he and Old!Peter from Spider-Man: Reign should form a club. Just then, Wilson Fisk reveals himself, because apparently you can just not notice this guy.
That cigar is five seconds away from getting Clintoned.
Though to be fair, the Kingpin watching you have sex is a more villainous plan than anything he did in the Daredevil movie.
Cut to Peter and Mary-Jane walking back from a performance by Dazzler… seriously, how can someone in the porn industry be enough of a virgin to throw in a Dazzler reference? MJ is about to hit Peter's jackpot—that must've been a really good show—when his Spider-sense goes off. Peter runs off to change into his Spider-Man togs, leaving MJ to be menaced by a street gang. I don't know, I think that problem could've just been solved by going back inside. Spider-Man rescues her, in a low-budget kinda way.
Look, you know they're gonna kiss upside-down and then she's gonna give him an upside-down blowjob, I know they're gonna kiss upside-down and then she's gonna give him an upside-down blowjob, let's just move on, shall we? Although bonus points for continuing "the Love Theme from the Spider-Man Porno" throughout third base. But no "shooting web" joke? If the man can make a joke while he's fighting Firelord, you'd think he could come up with a quip for getting weiner-nozzled by a redhead.
More of the adventures of dead-hooker!Electro. The Kingpin wants him to steal an item for him, and they do the bit from the first arc of New Avengers where Electro decides to go costume instead of no-costume. And given that this is a porn parody, there was a very real chance of him going on a rampage with his bits dangly, so thank God for Electro's costume.
How is it that the Green Goblin is from an official big-budget movie and Electro is from a porno?
What? You remember the first arc of New Avengers? Where it looked like Electro was going to become an A-list villain, but then he immediately got punked by Luke Cage, just like Green Goblin did in the big 'Fall of Norman Osborn' storyline. Has anyone ever stopped to consider the racial politics of a Jewish guy writing about a white guy continually getting shown to be less competent than a hulking black man, who also gets married to one of Bendis's original characters before taking over the Avengers? And then in another continuity, written by the same author, Spider-Man dies and is replaced by a black guy? It's like a Glenn Beck rant come to life. I think I'm missing out on some delicious wank here, you guys. [/things you should not say when reviewing porn]
Later, after a Daily Bugle scene (man, you'd think porn + J. Jonah Jameson would get you hilarity, but no. At least have him demand pictures of Spider-Man fucking or something), we find Peter, MJ, Gwen, and Flash getting back from a double date, watching Black Swan. Because that just screams date movie. Spoiler: People are about to have sex. I call bullshit on anyone thinking about intercourse within twenty-four hours of watching Black Swan. I watched it and all I could think for twelve hours was that really, I exist at the sufferance of my fingernails.
Before Mary-Jane and Gwen can flirt anymore, a city-wide black-out hits. Peter rushes off to investigate, leaving the girls with Flash and… yeah.
Okay, time-out. I'm sure one of the main reasons to do a Spider-Man porno is for Gwen and MJ to get their lesbian on. I mean, c'mon. Peter was dressing up in spandex, Harry was doing drugs, it only makes sense that the ladies were into something kinky. But if you ask everyone who ever watched that kicky 90s Spider-Man where no one was allowed to punch anyone, I'm sure not one person would say "Yeah, it would be cool if Gwen and Mary-Jane had sex, but what if it was a threesome with Flash Thompson? Badass!" He's a jerk; it feels a little BND-y for him to get rewarded for that while our hero just gets dingle-tongued. If anything, shouldn't he miss out on sex because Peter webbed his pants on, therefore Spidey has a threesome? That's a logical progression from "Peter uses a small fraction of his spider-powers to knock Flash out."
There are worse ways to get fisted in a porno.
I'm just saying, Robbie Robertson having sex, Flash Thompson threesome, no Black Cat—there are so many wrong choices being made, I'm half-convinced this is being directed by Tom Riddle. And I do realize for variety's sake we have to see other guys than Peter having sex, even though the majority of the Spider-Man female supporting cast is love interests for him, but what's wrong with Harry Osborn? I'm sure most fangirls wouldn't mind watching porn!JamesFranco at work.
Spider-Man shows up at Electro's robbery, and though he manages to catch the arch-villain, his henchmen get away with Kingpin's loot. Spidey would go after them, but Black Widow is there and, honestly, would you go after an escaping criminal with the porn version of Scarlett Johannson there? Uncle Ben would understand.
Black Widow wants Spidey's help in getting back the item Electro stole from SHIELD. Because even though she has other superheroes on the Avengers, he's the only one who knows Electro. Even though Electro just got his origin like, a day ago. And he was just captured. I hate to criticize plot in a porn film, but hey, they're the ones who gave me Robbie Robertson having sex. The gloves are off.
The Widow also has sex with Spider-Man because it's the only way he'll help her get back the stolen item, which seems a little schmiel-y for our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, but then, Mary-Jane did have a threesome with Flash and Gwen because it was dark, so we're obviously acting on Quesada characterization here.
The newest kink in porn: Mind meld sex.
Okay, I know I promised not to get into detail about the sex, but can I just say there's a level of creepiness in someone wearing a full bodysuit and a mask having sex? Blindfold? Sexy. Domino mask? Sexy if you're watching Eyes Wide Shut. Absolutely no skin exposed except for the penis? Unless you own a pawn shop in Pulp Fiction, you can't get off on that. I know everyone hates "the blowjob > guy enjoying a blowjob > blowjob > guy enjoying a blowjob" sequence, but the solution to that is not to take the face completely out of the equation. Otherwise, I feel like I'm watching some serial killer fetish material.
This is what you masturbate to before cutting off Gwyneth Paltrow's head.
I'm just saying, if the Raimi films can have Peter take off his mask because of a spark, the porn films can have him take it off for sex. It's porn, half the genre is people getting stuff squirted onto their faces. The Green Goblin has done everything else in the world to screw with Peter, bukkaking his mask is surely the next logical step. And no one's going to wear a mask with Gobby spooge on it.
Warning! Do not read any further if you do not want to be spoiled for the shocking ending of Spider-Man XXX: A Porn Parody! The Kingpin opens the stolen crate to find Captain America's shield. Now he can hold up a wobbly table with it! And Otto Octavius stops by Aunt May's to rent a room, thus raising the May Parker Sex Scene threat level to orange.
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no subject
Date: 2011-08-08 10:47 pm (UTC)Seriously?
Couldn't they have just had Gwen and Mary Jane fighting over Peter, tearing some clothes, rubbing against each other and... well, you see where I'm going. I understand the futility of logicing porn, but... FLASH?!
no subject
Date: 2011-08-08 11:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-08 11:20 pm (UTC)no subject
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