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seriousficTitle: Ten Things I Hate About Darkseid 1/?
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Kon/Knockout, implied Tim/Kon, Granny Goodness, eventual Scott/Barda
Word Count: 1,362
Summary: Superboy wants to do the right thing, really he does. If he’s going out with a girl, Superman taught him to always seek her parents’ blessing. If only her parental units weren’t Darkseid and Granny Goodness…
Written for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
shananagin's Use Kon in a New and Interesting Pairing Month!
“DARKSEID, YOUR REIGN OF EVIL ENDS TODAY!”
“ON THE CONTRARY, SUPERMAN, IT IS YOUR VAINGLORIOUS LIGHT THAT SHALL BE EXTINGUISHED!”
The two arch-foes met in mortal combat.
Superboy ate some more popcorn.
“You know, I feel a little guilty about this.”
“Eating popcorn?” Knockout asked.
“No, no, not that, the other thing,” Kon said from the Luthor side of his genes.
“Missing the opportunity to wage glorious war at the behest of your mentor?”
“Yeah. That.”
“Look at it this way, pup. We’re about evenly matched. If we fought, we’d either take each other out or the winner would be so busted up that she might as well be the loser. So by sitting this one out, we get the same result of combat, but without the exhilaration of spilling blood.” She sighed wistfully. Then consoled herself by feeling Kon’s chest through the stylized emblem there. “Surely that Big S would approve of that?”
A stray burst of heatvision exploded the ground nearby. The star-crossed lovers took deeper cover in the shadows of their cave, Knockout purring in appreciation.
“This is a nice view of the battle and all, but maybe we should move somewhere more romantic… or at least less explodey.”
Knockout crawled over Kon. “More romantic? What could be more romantic than the possibility of death at any moment? Under fire, every moment is lived to its fullest! Adrenaline strips us to our base instincts, making us creatures of lust and violence!” She ripped open her bodice, expressing breasts that had to score at least a .88 on the Peej Scale. “Take me now, Kryptonian! Dominate me! Breach my Source Wall with your Anti-Life Equation! Then we can run away together to Belfast. By day we’ll run a charmingly rustic bed and breakfast, by night we’ll try out Kama Sutra positions, and on weekends… key parties!”
Kon was unable to take his eyes off Knockout’s nipples, putting him at risk of having them poked out. “That is… arousingly specific. But I can’t. When I put on this shield, I vowed to uphold the values of truth, justice, and the American Way.”
“What part of the American Way does not having promiscuous sex fall under, Thomas Jefferson or Benjamin Franklin?” Knockout demanded.
Superboy waved his hands breezily. “It’s not that. I would love to rock your world… and run a bed and breakfast… and stuff. But I can’t be with you unless I get your father’s blessing.”
“I don’t have a father. I was grown in a vat.”
“Really? Me too! We have so much in common. Quick, Beatles or Elvis?”
“Elvis.”
“Me too! Boxers or briefs?”
“Kon, I wear women’s underwear.”
“Me too!” Before Knockout could react, Kon cupped his chin thoughtfully “Do you at least have a father figure?”
“There’s Granny Goodness.”
“I’d figure her for a maternal figure.”
“You’d be wrong. Now, let’s go ask her for her blessing!” Superman cracked Darkseid’s face with a haymaker. “But first let’s make out.”
***
One and a half make-out sessions later (Darkseid had gotten a second wind), Kon and Knockout were standing in front of Granny Goodness’s gingerbread house, next to a head on a spike with a No Solicitors sign hung around its lack of neck. Knockout had taken her bodice to Sew Long, the New God of sewing, who had repaired the rip free of charge as thanks for validating her existence.
Kon banged his knee on a Darkseid lawn gnome, tipping it into a Die For Darkseid yard sign, both of which he tried to right. He ended up stepping on Granny’s prize Apokolips Fly traps. The sole survivor bit his heel. Kon kicked at it, sending the nearby miniature tiger into a tree.
Knockout saw none of this, as she was meticulously polishing a bit of grime off the door knocker. “Whatever you do, don’t make a mess. Granny abhors messiness.”
Kon was by now stomping out a fire. “I’ll do my best.”
“And don’t let on that you’re Superboy. She hates all things Super. Superman, Supergirl, Super Tuesday…”
Kon zipped his leather jacket over his skintight spandex top. “Done.”
“That’s your disguise?”
“Think I should part my hair differently too?” Kon asked from the Kent side of his genes.
Knockout reminded herself that Kon was sweet, nubile, and could fight like De La Hoya before she rang the doorbell. A chorus of lost souls wailed.
“What’s her ringtone, Chopin’s Funeral March?” Kon quipped nervously.
“No, the Matlock theme.”
The door lurched open with an ominous creak, revealing Granny Goodness in a morning robe. Kon clung to Knockout in fright.
“I just had this bodice fixed!”
“She looks like Britney Spears fifty years from now!” Kon whimpered to his girlfriend. “Or Hillary Clinton right now.”
“Oh, what a sweet-looking young man,” Granny cooed at the sight of Kon. “Is he for me?”
“No, Granny. He’s Kon, my boy…” The remaining ‘friend’ died a slow, painful death on Knockout’s tongue.
“Pity. He looks scrumptious.”
Kon wasn’t sure if she was hitting on him or planning to eat him. He also wasn’t sure which would be worse.
“Come in, come in,” Granny said, ushering them into her house. It was decorated in Early Atrocity, with all the furniture apparently having been bought from the Texas Chainsaw Factory Warehouse.
They sat on a couch that moaned a little. Kon’s teeth chattered in terror.
“Mrs. Goodness, let me be frank…”
“Oh, please, call me Granny. Mr. Goodness died a long time ago.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, he was delicious.”
Kon coughed and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Knockout punched his shoulder in a manner that was probably meant to be reassuring, but mostly just hurt.
“Granny,” Kon said, rubbing feeling back into his arm, “I want your blessing to court Knockout.”
“Oh, Knockout is far too busy training to date a boooooy.”
“That’s just it! I don’t want to be a Fury!”
“What else would you be?”
“I… haven’t really thought about it,” Knockout lied.
Granny feinted a faint, swooning to the settee. “Oh, girl, you wouldn’t do this to your dear granny, would you?”
“I knew it! I knew she’d never even consider it!”
“Knockout, you misjudge me. I’m merely thinking of your best interests… yours and Barda’s.”
“What does Barda have to do with this?”
“Oh, think how embarrassed poor Barda would be if her little sister-in-arms mated before she did? She’d never be able to show her face on or off the battlefield. No, I’m afraid you must remain chaste until Barda finds love as well. It’s the polite thing to do.”
“But Barda’s a psychopath! She’s a ball-busting, man-eating bitch!”
“I know, and yet she still hasn’t found a man.” Granny scratched her head. “Go figure.”
Kon whispered in Knockout’s ear. She got a queer look on her face and shook her head. Kon whispered in her ear again. Her eyebrows shot up, then she nodded.
“We bow to your wisdom, Granny,” Kon said sweetly. “We don’t date until Barda dates.”
“I’m glad you see things the right way. Now if you don’t mind, Magnum PI is on in five minutes and I can’t get enough of that Tom Selleck.”
Kon and Knockout shuddered all the way out the door.
***
“Why’d you go along with that controlling old bat?” Knockout demanded once they got outside.
“Because all we have to do is get Barda a date and your wicked stepmother will have no choice but to let us date!”
“But Barda hates men!”
“Not a problem.”
“She’s not too fond of women either.”
Kon frowned, but quickly brightened with a flip of his head. “Ma Kent says there’s someone out there for everyone. And everyone includes Barda. We just have to find someone who matches her and set them up together.
“And how are we gonna manage that?”
“The same way my brief but bitter love affair with Robin was managed! Sex pollen!
Knockout’s devious grin slowly grew to match Kon’s own. She slipped a hand into Kon’s back pocket. As Knockout had no pockets, Kon reciprocated by slipping a hand under the thin layer of spandex covering her ass. They went to find Barda.
Next part.
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Kon/Knockout, implied Tim/Kon, Granny Goodness, eventual Scott/Barda
Word Count: 1,362
Summary: Superboy wants to do the right thing, really he does. If he’s going out with a girl, Superman taught him to always seek her parents’ blessing. If only her parental units weren’t Darkseid and Granny Goodness…
Written for
shananagin's Use Kon in a New and Interesting Pairing Month!“DARKSEID, YOUR REIGN OF EVIL ENDS TODAY!”
“ON THE CONTRARY, SUPERMAN, IT IS YOUR VAINGLORIOUS LIGHT THAT SHALL BE EXTINGUISHED!”
The two arch-foes met in mortal combat.
Superboy ate some more popcorn.
“You know, I feel a little guilty about this.”
“Eating popcorn?” Knockout asked.
“No, no, not that, the other thing,” Kon said from the Luthor side of his genes.
“Missing the opportunity to wage glorious war at the behest of your mentor?”
“Yeah. That.”
“Look at it this way, pup. We’re about evenly matched. If we fought, we’d either take each other out or the winner would be so busted up that she might as well be the loser. So by sitting this one out, we get the same result of combat, but without the exhilaration of spilling blood.” She sighed wistfully. Then consoled herself by feeling Kon’s chest through the stylized emblem there. “Surely that Big S would approve of that?”
A stray burst of heatvision exploded the ground nearby. The star-crossed lovers took deeper cover in the shadows of their cave, Knockout purring in appreciation.
“This is a nice view of the battle and all, but maybe we should move somewhere more romantic… or at least less explodey.”
Knockout crawled over Kon. “More romantic? What could be more romantic than the possibility of death at any moment? Under fire, every moment is lived to its fullest! Adrenaline strips us to our base instincts, making us creatures of lust and violence!” She ripped open her bodice, expressing breasts that had to score at least a .88 on the Peej Scale. “Take me now, Kryptonian! Dominate me! Breach my Source Wall with your Anti-Life Equation! Then we can run away together to Belfast. By day we’ll run a charmingly rustic bed and breakfast, by night we’ll try out Kama Sutra positions, and on weekends… key parties!”
Kon was unable to take his eyes off Knockout’s nipples, putting him at risk of having them poked out. “That is… arousingly specific. But I can’t. When I put on this shield, I vowed to uphold the values of truth, justice, and the American Way.”
“What part of the American Way does not having promiscuous sex fall under, Thomas Jefferson or Benjamin Franklin?” Knockout demanded.
Superboy waved his hands breezily. “It’s not that. I would love to rock your world… and run a bed and breakfast… and stuff. But I can’t be with you unless I get your father’s blessing.”
“I don’t have a father. I was grown in a vat.”
“Really? Me too! We have so much in common. Quick, Beatles or Elvis?”
“Elvis.”
“Me too! Boxers or briefs?”
“Kon, I wear women’s underwear.”
“Me too!” Before Knockout could react, Kon cupped his chin thoughtfully “Do you at least have a father figure?”
“There’s Granny Goodness.”
“I’d figure her for a maternal figure.”
“You’d be wrong. Now, let’s go ask her for her blessing!” Superman cracked Darkseid’s face with a haymaker. “But first let’s make out.”
***
One and a half make-out sessions later (Darkseid had gotten a second wind), Kon and Knockout were standing in front of Granny Goodness’s gingerbread house, next to a head on a spike with a No Solicitors sign hung around its lack of neck. Knockout had taken her bodice to Sew Long, the New God of sewing, who had repaired the rip free of charge as thanks for validating her existence.
Kon banged his knee on a Darkseid lawn gnome, tipping it into a Die For Darkseid yard sign, both of which he tried to right. He ended up stepping on Granny’s prize Apokolips Fly traps. The sole survivor bit his heel. Kon kicked at it, sending the nearby miniature tiger into a tree.
Knockout saw none of this, as she was meticulously polishing a bit of grime off the door knocker. “Whatever you do, don’t make a mess. Granny abhors messiness.”
Kon was by now stomping out a fire. “I’ll do my best.”
“And don’t let on that you’re Superboy. She hates all things Super. Superman, Supergirl, Super Tuesday…”
Kon zipped his leather jacket over his skintight spandex top. “Done.”
“That’s your disguise?”
“Think I should part my hair differently too?” Kon asked from the Kent side of his genes.
Knockout reminded herself that Kon was sweet, nubile, and could fight like De La Hoya before she rang the doorbell. A chorus of lost souls wailed.
“What’s her ringtone, Chopin’s Funeral March?” Kon quipped nervously.
“No, the Matlock theme.”
The door lurched open with an ominous creak, revealing Granny Goodness in a morning robe. Kon clung to Knockout in fright.
“I just had this bodice fixed!”
“She looks like Britney Spears fifty years from now!” Kon whimpered to his girlfriend. “Or Hillary Clinton right now.”
“Oh, what a sweet-looking young man,” Granny cooed at the sight of Kon. “Is he for me?”
“No, Granny. He’s Kon, my boy…” The remaining ‘friend’ died a slow, painful death on Knockout’s tongue.
“Pity. He looks scrumptious.”
Kon wasn’t sure if she was hitting on him or planning to eat him. He also wasn’t sure which would be worse.
“Come in, come in,” Granny said, ushering them into her house. It was decorated in Early Atrocity, with all the furniture apparently having been bought from the Texas Chainsaw Factory Warehouse.
They sat on a couch that moaned a little. Kon’s teeth chattered in terror.
“Mrs. Goodness, let me be frank…”
“Oh, please, call me Granny. Mr. Goodness died a long time ago.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, he was delicious.”
Kon coughed and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Knockout punched his shoulder in a manner that was probably meant to be reassuring, but mostly just hurt.
“Granny,” Kon said, rubbing feeling back into his arm, “I want your blessing to court Knockout.”
“Oh, Knockout is far too busy training to date a boooooy.”
“That’s just it! I don’t want to be a Fury!”
“What else would you be?”
“I… haven’t really thought about it,” Knockout lied.
Granny feinted a faint, swooning to the settee. “Oh, girl, you wouldn’t do this to your dear granny, would you?”
“I knew it! I knew she’d never even consider it!”
“Knockout, you misjudge me. I’m merely thinking of your best interests… yours and Barda’s.”
“What does Barda have to do with this?”
“Oh, think how embarrassed poor Barda would be if her little sister-in-arms mated before she did? She’d never be able to show her face on or off the battlefield. No, I’m afraid you must remain chaste until Barda finds love as well. It’s the polite thing to do.”
“But Barda’s a psychopath! She’s a ball-busting, man-eating bitch!”
“I know, and yet she still hasn’t found a man.” Granny scratched her head. “Go figure.”
Kon whispered in Knockout’s ear. She got a queer look on her face and shook her head. Kon whispered in her ear again. Her eyebrows shot up, then she nodded.
“We bow to your wisdom, Granny,” Kon said sweetly. “We don’t date until Barda dates.”
“I’m glad you see things the right way. Now if you don’t mind, Magnum PI is on in five minutes and I can’t get enough of that Tom Selleck.”
Kon and Knockout shuddered all the way out the door.
***
“Why’d you go along with that controlling old bat?” Knockout demanded once they got outside.
“Because all we have to do is get Barda a date and your wicked stepmother will have no choice but to let us date!”
“But Barda hates men!”
“Not a problem.”
“She’s not too fond of women either.”
Kon frowned, but quickly brightened with a flip of his head. “Ma Kent says there’s someone out there for everyone. And everyone includes Barda. We just have to find someone who matches her and set them up together.
“And how are we gonna manage that?”
“The same way my brief but bitter love affair with Robin was managed! Sex pollen!
Knockout’s devious grin slowly grew to match Kon’s own. She slipped a hand into Kon’s back pocket. As Knockout had no pockets, Kon reciprocated by slipping a hand under the thin layer of spandex covering her ass. They went to find Barda.
Next part.
Classics
Date: 2008-10-31 11:47 pm (UTC)