Priest - Just (Some) of the stupid bits
May. 13th, 2011 02:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousfic-There's an elaborate backstory to explain why, although the priests are celibate and they're taken to be trained as children (when their never-specified "power" manifests... no, they're totally not Jedi Knight,s why do you ask?), Paul Bettany's character isn't a virgin and Maggie Q is. The mind boggles at the unpleasant implications.
-And in this universe, the Catholic Church is not only accepting women into the clergy, but sending them into combat. That's very progressive for an organization that still espouses the rhythm method.
-I guess everyone was depressed after the Apocalypse and they decided to do Western cosplay to perk themselves up, but did everyone give up their MP3 players for record players? I just think it would be pretty hard to get the Glee soundtrack on vinyl.
-Uh, the filmmakers are aware that there are certain connotations to a scene where a small boy is curious about the priest and his mother fearfully hustles him away?
-Okay, so even though apparently the vampires have been at war with humanity for all of recorded time, just when mankind is on the brink of victory, they just decide to put the vampires into reservations. Why? Why not just kill them all? They're slimy CGI monsters. And since this movie is basically The Searchers with vampires, is this supposed to be a metaphor for Native Americans? And if the world is being ruled by an oppressive, corrupt church, why wouldn't they be evil enough to commit genocide?
-Speaking of the oppressive, corrupt church, they have a ritual where at a certain time of each day, everyone turns in the same direction and genuflects. What kind of evil religion would force people to bow in the same direction every--oh... That's unfortuante...
-Should our hero really be introduced as a cop-killer? I mean, he's able to handle a bunch of vampires, can't he just knock out the cops who are just doing their job? I know they're instruments of the oppressive, corrupt church, but who's he to talk?
-The church doesn't let Paul Bettany go save his daughter/niece because he'll "stir up trouble" or something. Why? I know they're obstructive bureaucrats, but shouldn't they be obstructive to some end? If there's a vampire army out there and the church controls the only people who can fight them, and they do, wouldn't that increase people's faith in them? I mean, c'mon, this is Evil Overlord 101.
-Maggie Q talks about how she can't get a job because she has "no applicable skills," and she ends up working in Waste Management. Okay, so I guess there's not much fashion modeling in the post-apocalyptic future, but still... couldn't she become a sheriff? The only one we see is Cam Gigandet, so obviously their standards aren't that high.
-In the beginning, vampires attack Vampire Bill and his wife and daughter. They put the daughter in a hiding place. Why doesn't the wife go in with her? We only see the one gun and Vampire Bill is using it, so what's she going to use on the vampires, harsh language?
-So the villain used to be a priest (natch), but then the vampire queen (although I don't know what she'd be queen of, since vampires seem to be spread by infection... and yet also sleep in eggs?) made him into a human vampire... apparently stronger than other vampires and able to walk in daylight. So, why doesn't she make more? The baddie even offers multiple times to make someone else into a "human vampire." And given that he's able to trounce the Priest (yes, this is one of those annoying films where no one's given a name, so they're just "that git with the nose tattoo" et al) easily in one on one combat, they're pretty lucky the queen didn't make four or five of them and send them along on THEIR BIG PLAY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
-Also, the villain (Black Hat... ugh)'s plan is to kidnap the Priest's daughter/niece, which will force him to break his vows and come after him, which will make the Church send the other Priests after him (four guys, including his girlfriend... yeah, send a bunch of his good friends to capture him, that won't be a problem). This will leave "Cathedral City" (ugh) defenseless. Okay, I know the priests kinda have superpowers, but... that's five guys, total. You're telling me five guys are going to be able to stop an army? Especially when Black Hat is able to kill three of these badass Priests at one time? Is the tipping point four? Or is it just that the Priests come at him one at a time, in kung-fu movie tradition?
-Wouldn't the Church find it sacrilegious to make weapons out of rosary beads and crucifixes and such?
-Okay, so what works on vampires? Do crosses and holy water have any effect? Because we see a huckster (Brad Dourif!) selling holy water for people to defend themselves, but then the sheriff tells him to take a hike (and that there's no vampires to worry about, even though he's in the process of rescuing his girlfriend from vampires... why would he lie?). But then later we see the Priest carving crosses into bullets, so... do crosses work and not holy water? Was he just bored?
-The vampires have familiars, who are vampire wannabes that can move in daylight, you know the rest. But, since the vampires in this movie are slimy CGI monsters, why would anyone want to be one?
-Vampire Bill (yes, from True Blood) and Paul Bettany play brothers and neither of them attempt an accent. So... did Paul Bettany grow up in the English part of the Deep South?
-The vampires' plot to attack the cities is helped along by the fact that the cities are covered in smog. So, do we just lose all knowledge of non-smog power production after the Apocalypse? Apparently, the world is mostly wasteland with a few walled cities... couldn't they just put the power plants outside the cities, or use solar cells, or windmills? There's plenty of room.
-If the vampires like to live in enormous nests in the middle of nowhere, maybe instead of sending a dozen people inside to kill them all, we should shoot that nest. Like, with a rocket. In the daylight, when they can't leave. Given the radioactive wastelandiness of the world, apparently nukes have been used, so they have the technology, but I think just a regular missile would do.
-So, what is Black Hat's motivation? Because at first he acts like he's a hedonist and then he says he's a vampire religious extremist, so... is he just mad at Paul Bettany for letting him be made into a vampire? Even though he likes being a vampire? I don't know...
-And in this universe, the Catholic Church is not only accepting women into the clergy, but sending them into combat. That's very progressive for an organization that still espouses the rhythm method.
-I guess everyone was depressed after the Apocalypse and they decided to do Western cosplay to perk themselves up, but did everyone give up their MP3 players for record players? I just think it would be pretty hard to get the Glee soundtrack on vinyl.
-Uh, the filmmakers are aware that there are certain connotations to a scene where a small boy is curious about the priest and his mother fearfully hustles him away?
-Okay, so even though apparently the vampires have been at war with humanity for all of recorded time, just when mankind is on the brink of victory, they just decide to put the vampires into reservations. Why? Why not just kill them all? They're slimy CGI monsters. And since this movie is basically The Searchers with vampires, is this supposed to be a metaphor for Native Americans? And if the world is being ruled by an oppressive, corrupt church, why wouldn't they be evil enough to commit genocide?
-Speaking of the oppressive, corrupt church, they have a ritual where at a certain time of each day, everyone turns in the same direction and genuflects. What kind of evil religion would force people to bow in the same direction every--oh... That's unfortuante...
-Should our hero really be introduced as a cop-killer? I mean, he's able to handle a bunch of vampires, can't he just knock out the cops who are just doing their job? I know they're instruments of the oppressive, corrupt church, but who's he to talk?
-The church doesn't let Paul Bettany go save his daughter/niece because he'll "stir up trouble" or something. Why? I know they're obstructive bureaucrats, but shouldn't they be obstructive to some end? If there's a vampire army out there and the church controls the only people who can fight them, and they do, wouldn't that increase people's faith in them? I mean, c'mon, this is Evil Overlord 101.
-Maggie Q talks about how she can't get a job because she has "no applicable skills," and she ends up working in Waste Management. Okay, so I guess there's not much fashion modeling in the post-apocalyptic future, but still... couldn't she become a sheriff? The only one we see is Cam Gigandet, so obviously their standards aren't that high.
-In the beginning, vampires attack Vampire Bill and his wife and daughter. They put the daughter in a hiding place. Why doesn't the wife go in with her? We only see the one gun and Vampire Bill is using it, so what's she going to use on the vampires, harsh language?
-So the villain used to be a priest (natch), but then the vampire queen (although I don't know what she'd be queen of, since vampires seem to be spread by infection... and yet also sleep in eggs?) made him into a human vampire... apparently stronger than other vampires and able to walk in daylight. So, why doesn't she make more? The baddie even offers multiple times to make someone else into a "human vampire." And given that he's able to trounce the Priest (yes, this is one of those annoying films where no one's given a name, so they're just "that git with the nose tattoo" et al) easily in one on one combat, they're pretty lucky the queen didn't make four or five of them and send them along on THEIR BIG PLAY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
-Also, the villain (Black Hat... ugh)'s plan is to kidnap the Priest's daughter/niece, which will force him to break his vows and come after him, which will make the Church send the other Priests after him (four guys, including his girlfriend... yeah, send a bunch of his good friends to capture him, that won't be a problem). This will leave "Cathedral City" (ugh) defenseless. Okay, I know the priests kinda have superpowers, but... that's five guys, total. You're telling me five guys are going to be able to stop an army? Especially when Black Hat is able to kill three of these badass Priests at one time? Is the tipping point four? Or is it just that the Priests come at him one at a time, in kung-fu movie tradition?
-Wouldn't the Church find it sacrilegious to make weapons out of rosary beads and crucifixes and such?
-Okay, so what works on vampires? Do crosses and holy water have any effect? Because we see a huckster (Brad Dourif!) selling holy water for people to defend themselves, but then the sheriff tells him to take a hike (and that there's no vampires to worry about, even though he's in the process of rescuing his girlfriend from vampires... why would he lie?). But then later we see the Priest carving crosses into bullets, so... do crosses work and not holy water? Was he just bored?
-The vampires have familiars, who are vampire wannabes that can move in daylight, you know the rest. But, since the vampires in this movie are slimy CGI monsters, why would anyone want to be one?
-Vampire Bill (yes, from True Blood) and Paul Bettany play brothers and neither of them attempt an accent. So... did Paul Bettany grow up in the English part of the Deep South?
-The vampires' plot to attack the cities is helped along by the fact that the cities are covered in smog. So, do we just lose all knowledge of non-smog power production after the Apocalypse? Apparently, the world is mostly wasteland with a few walled cities... couldn't they just put the power plants outside the cities, or use solar cells, or windmills? There's plenty of room.
-If the vampires like to live in enormous nests in the middle of nowhere, maybe instead of sending a dozen people inside to kill them all, we should shoot that nest. Like, with a rocket. In the daylight, when they can't leave. Given the radioactive wastelandiness of the world, apparently nukes have been used, so they have the technology, but I think just a regular missile would do.
-So, what is Black Hat's motivation? Because at first he acts like he's a hedonist and then he says he's a vampire religious extremist, so... is he just mad at Paul Bettany for letting him be made into a vampire? Even though he likes being a vampire? I don't know...
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no subject
Date: 2011-05-14 05:50 pm (UTC)Do I understand you correctly that Bettany and Stephen Moyer play brothers in this film but Bettany has British accent and Moyer has an American southern accent?
That's incredibly confusing, given that Stephen Moyer can uh...do a British accent pretty easily, given than he's British. That's just bizarre.
no subject
Date: 2011-05-15 11:16 am (UTC)Actually, that makes sense. The first thing people would do in a siege would be to disrupt the flow of resources into the city. Keeping it outside means it's undefended. Putting a wall around it makes it basically the same as the city. Putting it somewhere far off and running power lines to the city means that you have spend men and resources to guard both the outpost and the power lines.
I should probably read less John Ringo books.