![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficTitle: Sexual assault by way of illicit hotness
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,843
Characters/Pairings: Dean, Sam, Castiel, Bobby, Rufus
Spoilers: For 6x02 – Two And A Half Men
Summary: It would be a lot easier to hunt a shifter for using his power to get laid if Dean would agree that it's wrong to use shapeshifting to get laid.
Des Moines, Illinois, 3:02 AM
Dean threw the bucket of water into the bound shifter's face, waking up violently. "Wakey wakey, you son of a bitch."
The shifter gagged and sputtered. In his natural 'lounging' form, he looked like Joe Average. Receding hairline, slight paunch, a beard that looked like shag carpeting. He shook his head to clear the cobwebs out, taking in his location – basement, bare concrete floors, thick walls. The kind of place you would hold a Dexter viewing party.
"Oh shit," he said. "Oh shit! Who are you?"
"We'll ask the questions here," Sam said. "Where's the alpha? What's he up to?"
"The alpha? Jesus, I don't know! I didn't answer the call, I've been right here the whole time!"
"We know the shifters have a breeding program going on—"
"I don't know nothing about birthing no babies! I'm a manager at Foot Locker! I just wanna be left alone!"
"You're telling me you can turn into anyone and you choose to look like that?"
The shifter looked cock-eyed at Sam. "What's wrong with how I look?"
"Nothing, it's just—not my first choice."
"Look who's talking." The shifter looked Sam up and down. Way up. "You look like you could be the first white guy in the NBA."
"Hey, don't be dissing my man Larry Bird," Dean cut in. "You're a shifter, you must be shifting something."
"Only when I want to use capital letters on my word processor! And on the weekends!"
Sam leaned in threateningly. "And what do you do on the weekends?"
"I… I… turn into a young Alec Baldwin and go bar-hopping."
Sam reared up, blinking. "You what?"
"I get laid, alright! I turn into Alec Baldwin, I pick up women, we have sex!"
"You trick women into thinking you're Alec Baldwin?" Dean demanded.
"No, it's not like I'm 30 Rock Alec Baldwin, I'm Hunt For Red October Alec Baldwin. And I've got a dirty blond thing going on, my nose is a bit crooked, there's a resemblance, that's all." The shifter turned to Sam. "Like how you look just like that dude from Gilmore Girls."
"Shut your mouth!"
"So let me get this straight," Dean said. "You change appearance, you go to a bar, some woman thinks 'wow, this is a really good-looking guy, akin to Alec Baldwin back when he was a dramatic actor,' and then you bang her?"
"About the size of it."
"That's not so bad."
"Not so bad?" Sam repeated. "Dean, it's rape!"
"Whoa, whoa!" the shifter protested. "I am a perfect gentleman, and that's not easy to do when you look like Alec Baldwin."
"Yeah, Sam," Dean turned to him. "We checked the town out before coming here, there haven't been any reports of rape in the last six months."
"Rape is the most statistically underreported crime!"
"I have a lot of numbers on my iPhone," the shifter said. "It's under 'black book,' you can call them if you want."
"Oh, we'll do that," Sam assured him.
Three hours later…
"Four women have asked if I'm calling about a threesome," Dean groused. "Do I sound like I'm running a phone sex hotline?"
"You kinda sound like Batman, actually," the shifter said.
"Keaton Batman or Bale Batman?"
"I'd rather not say."
That was all Sam could take. "Just because the women consented to having sex with him doesn't mean it wasn't rape!"
The shifter looked at him. "Oh really? Because I use artificial means to conform more closely to society's standards of beauty than I do naturally? If that's illegal, we're going to have to arrest everyone who wears make-up."
"Nice comeback," Dean said.
"I had time to think while you were on the phone. Speaking of which, could you untie me? I kinda have to drain the lizard, I drank a bunch of 7-Up before you guys caught me."
"In a minute!" Sam yelled. "Don't you know there's a cultural expectation that women wear nice clothes and put on lipstick? Have you even heard of body-policing?"
"Yeah, I've heard of it," the shifter said. "I went on Jezebel for a while thinking it was a porn site and got the gist. But c'mon, it's not like guys don't have cultural expectations."
"Dude's gotta point," Dean said. "Before I go out, I wash up, throw on some aftershave, put on some fresh clothes…"
"Whose side are you on?" Sam asked him. "He's a shifter, he's raping women, let's call Gramps and send this guy to monster Gitmo."
"We can't just say he's raping women. He's not a lacrosse player at Duke University."
"Thank you," the shifter said.
"I can't believe you're okay with this," Sam muttered.
"Would you have sex with She-Hulk?" Dean asked.
"What?"
"She-Hulk. Don't pretend you didn't read my old comics when you were a kid."
Sam sighed. "Yes. I would have sex with She-Hulk. Everyone would have sex with She-Hulk. She's like Gina Carano mixed with an Orion slave girl."
"Whoa, I just said you read comics as a kid, you don't have to go full-bore Trekkie on me. But see, She-Hulk is really Jennifer Walters, who looks like Tina Fey circa Saturday Night Live."
"I'd have sex with Tina Fey circa Saturday Night Live," the shifter said.
"Circa writing Saturday Night Live."
"Ouch."
"So would you mind having sex with some six foot six green Amazon if she's really a five foot nothing lesbian icon in the waiting?"
"I wouldn't, but some guys might!"
"Yeah, gay dudes," the shifter said. Dean gave his tied hands a high-five.
Sam gnashed his teeth. "Aren't you even the slightest bit concerned that none of these ladies like you for you?"
Dean stared at him. "Whoa, Sailor Moon. You never get to bitch about me watching Grey's Anatomy again."
"I never have! It's a quality program!"
"Can I pee now?" the shifter asked.
Dean started untying him. "Dude, you're not twelve, call it a piss."
The shifter got up, rubbing his wrists. "Alright, I've got a number three coming up, maybe you guys could settle this while I'm in?"
"What's a number three?" Sam asked.
"That's where you've got to number one and number two, so they add up to number three. I was also eating some White Castle when you grabbed me… it was lunch time! I skipped breakfast!" he added defensively.
"No one's judging your eating habits," Sam said. "Just your raping."
The shifter waved him off and went into the bathroom.
"Alright, we need a tiebreaker," Dean said.
"I know just the guy."
***
Rufus was just putting the finishing touches on a shallow grave when his phone rang. "Hello?"
"You've still had sex with a gorgeous green lady, who cares what she really looks like!"
"Hello?"
"Rufus!" Dean said. "Just having a little discussion with Sammy. Look, we've got a bit of a situation here and we could use your help."
"Sure, you name it. Wanna triple-team a nest of vampires? Go hog-wild on some demons?"
"Actually, we captured this shifter and he's not killing anyone, he's just using his power to turn into a looker and go around being a man-slut… hello, Rufus? You there?"
"You know what I'd use my power for if I could shape-shift? I'd turn into Mike Tyson to get women."
"Why would you ever do that ever?"
"Because if a girl would go out with Mike Tyson, you know she'd be into some kinky shit."
Dean hung up.
***
"Well, is he for or against?" Sam asked.
"Don't know, too creeped out to process."
"Then let's call Bobby and—"
"No. I am not talking to Bobby about sex. No way, no how."
"Well, we need to talk to someone in authority."
"Hey guys?" the shifter piped up, straddling his chair. "How'd you find me, anyway?"
"Garbageman used to be a hunter, he recognized your… skin stuff," Dean explained.
"You really should be more conscientious about how you throw it out, that stuff is medical waste," Sam added. "Hey, we should talk to Cas."
"Talk to me about what?" Castiel asked. He was, just then, in the basement with them, eating a candy bar. "I was just eating a candy bar."
"We noticed," Dean said. "Look, Cas…"
"I'm aware of the situation," Castiel interrupted.
"And?"
"I don't see what the larger significance is. Sex for non-procreative purposes is frivolous. The same endorphins can be released into the brain by the consumption of processed cocoa seeds." He took a big bite of his candy bar.
"That's just wrong," Sam said.
"This isn't a Destiel fic, so I agree," Dean said.
"Can I turn into you the next time I go to a bar?" the shifter asked.
Castiel stared at him for a moment before disappearing.
"I'm calling Bobby," Sam said.
***
"Boys, glad you called, I got that weird vampire page you found translated. It's from what's called the Necronomicon…"
"Table that, Bobby, we've got something more important to ask you about."
***
"…so I figure if the woman wouldn't have sex with him if he wasn't using a power on her, it's rape," Sam finished.
"And I figure that if we had the technology to give burn victims artificial skin like in Darkman, do they have to look like Freddy Krueger when they pick up women to have it not be rape?" Dean said.
"Well, how does he look in real life?" Bobby asked.
"I don't know… average, ironically enough."
"He looks like that guy who's always playing programmers on TV," Dean said. "You know the one… I just saw his name yesterday… I think he was a CTU guy on 24 for a while… anyway, he looks like that."
Bobby held the phone to his chest and took a deep breath before replying. "Well, I've got to tell you boys, I feel real sorry for all those women who got to have no-strings-attached sex with a young Alec Baldwin. My heart bleeds. Boys, you know what the best sex I ever had was? I picked up this hot-ass redhead in Las Vegas—"
"I'm not comfortable with where this is going," Dean said.
"She was a man! She was a Taiwanese man!"
"I was right not to be comfortable!"
"That's really an entirely separate issue," Sam said.
"My point is, he's not hurting anyone. No one's complaining. Lots of people need to get laid in this damn world. I figure anything that helps that along can't be all bad. Unless it's Rohypnol. Kick him loose, idjits."
"Sure thing, Bobby. Thanks." Sam hung up. "I guess we're letting him go."
"How come you listen to Bobby and not to me?" Dean asked.
"Wouldn't you listen to Bobby and not you?" Sam turned to the shifter. "You're free to go."
"Thanks… could you guys give me some privacy? I've got work in twenty minutes and I have to change."
"Like, change-change?"
"Yeah, I turn into a black guy. Affirmative action, only way to get a job in this economy."
Dean pulled Sam away. "Forget it, Sam. It's Des Moines."
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,843
Characters/Pairings: Dean, Sam, Castiel, Bobby, Rufus
Spoilers: For 6x02 – Two And A Half Men
Summary: It would be a lot easier to hunt a shifter for using his power to get laid if Dean would agree that it's wrong to use shapeshifting to get laid.
Des Moines, Illinois, 3:02 AM
Dean threw the bucket of water into the bound shifter's face, waking up violently. "Wakey wakey, you son of a bitch."
The shifter gagged and sputtered. In his natural 'lounging' form, he looked like Joe Average. Receding hairline, slight paunch, a beard that looked like shag carpeting. He shook his head to clear the cobwebs out, taking in his location – basement, bare concrete floors, thick walls. The kind of place you would hold a Dexter viewing party.
"Oh shit," he said. "Oh shit! Who are you?"
"We'll ask the questions here," Sam said. "Where's the alpha? What's he up to?"
"The alpha? Jesus, I don't know! I didn't answer the call, I've been right here the whole time!"
"We know the shifters have a breeding program going on—"
"I don't know nothing about birthing no babies! I'm a manager at Foot Locker! I just wanna be left alone!"
"You're telling me you can turn into anyone and you choose to look like that?"
The shifter looked cock-eyed at Sam. "What's wrong with how I look?"
"Nothing, it's just—not my first choice."
"Look who's talking." The shifter looked Sam up and down. Way up. "You look like you could be the first white guy in the NBA."
"Hey, don't be dissing my man Larry Bird," Dean cut in. "You're a shifter, you must be shifting something."
"Only when I want to use capital letters on my word processor! And on the weekends!"
Sam leaned in threateningly. "And what do you do on the weekends?"
"I… I… turn into a young Alec Baldwin and go bar-hopping."
Sam reared up, blinking. "You what?"
"I get laid, alright! I turn into Alec Baldwin, I pick up women, we have sex!"
"You trick women into thinking you're Alec Baldwin?" Dean demanded.
"No, it's not like I'm 30 Rock Alec Baldwin, I'm Hunt For Red October Alec Baldwin. And I've got a dirty blond thing going on, my nose is a bit crooked, there's a resemblance, that's all." The shifter turned to Sam. "Like how you look just like that dude from Gilmore Girls."
"Shut your mouth!"
"So let me get this straight," Dean said. "You change appearance, you go to a bar, some woman thinks 'wow, this is a really good-looking guy, akin to Alec Baldwin back when he was a dramatic actor,' and then you bang her?"
"About the size of it."
"That's not so bad."
"Not so bad?" Sam repeated. "Dean, it's rape!"
"Whoa, whoa!" the shifter protested. "I am a perfect gentleman, and that's not easy to do when you look like Alec Baldwin."
"Yeah, Sam," Dean turned to him. "We checked the town out before coming here, there haven't been any reports of rape in the last six months."
"Rape is the most statistically underreported crime!"
"I have a lot of numbers on my iPhone," the shifter said. "It's under 'black book,' you can call them if you want."
"Oh, we'll do that," Sam assured him.
Three hours later…
"Four women have asked if I'm calling about a threesome," Dean groused. "Do I sound like I'm running a phone sex hotline?"
"You kinda sound like Batman, actually," the shifter said.
"Keaton Batman or Bale Batman?"
"I'd rather not say."
That was all Sam could take. "Just because the women consented to having sex with him doesn't mean it wasn't rape!"
The shifter looked at him. "Oh really? Because I use artificial means to conform more closely to society's standards of beauty than I do naturally? If that's illegal, we're going to have to arrest everyone who wears make-up."
"Nice comeback," Dean said.
"I had time to think while you were on the phone. Speaking of which, could you untie me? I kinda have to drain the lizard, I drank a bunch of 7-Up before you guys caught me."
"In a minute!" Sam yelled. "Don't you know there's a cultural expectation that women wear nice clothes and put on lipstick? Have you even heard of body-policing?"
"Yeah, I've heard of it," the shifter said. "I went on Jezebel for a while thinking it was a porn site and got the gist. But c'mon, it's not like guys don't have cultural expectations."
"Dude's gotta point," Dean said. "Before I go out, I wash up, throw on some aftershave, put on some fresh clothes…"
"Whose side are you on?" Sam asked him. "He's a shifter, he's raping women, let's call Gramps and send this guy to monster Gitmo."
"We can't just say he's raping women. He's not a lacrosse player at Duke University."
"Thank you," the shifter said.
"I can't believe you're okay with this," Sam muttered.
"Would you have sex with She-Hulk?" Dean asked.
"What?"
"She-Hulk. Don't pretend you didn't read my old comics when you were a kid."
Sam sighed. "Yes. I would have sex with She-Hulk. Everyone would have sex with She-Hulk. She's like Gina Carano mixed with an Orion slave girl."
"Whoa, I just said you read comics as a kid, you don't have to go full-bore Trekkie on me. But see, She-Hulk is really Jennifer Walters, who looks like Tina Fey circa Saturday Night Live."
"I'd have sex with Tina Fey circa Saturday Night Live," the shifter said.
"Circa writing Saturday Night Live."
"Ouch."
"So would you mind having sex with some six foot six green Amazon if she's really a five foot nothing lesbian icon in the waiting?"
"I wouldn't, but some guys might!"
"Yeah, gay dudes," the shifter said. Dean gave his tied hands a high-five.
Sam gnashed his teeth. "Aren't you even the slightest bit concerned that none of these ladies like you for you?"
Dean stared at him. "Whoa, Sailor Moon. You never get to bitch about me watching Grey's Anatomy again."
"I never have! It's a quality program!"
"Can I pee now?" the shifter asked.
Dean started untying him. "Dude, you're not twelve, call it a piss."
The shifter got up, rubbing his wrists. "Alright, I've got a number three coming up, maybe you guys could settle this while I'm in?"
"What's a number three?" Sam asked.
"That's where you've got to number one and number two, so they add up to number three. I was also eating some White Castle when you grabbed me… it was lunch time! I skipped breakfast!" he added defensively.
"No one's judging your eating habits," Sam said. "Just your raping."
The shifter waved him off and went into the bathroom.
"Alright, we need a tiebreaker," Dean said.
"I know just the guy."
***
Rufus was just putting the finishing touches on a shallow grave when his phone rang. "Hello?"
"You've still had sex with a gorgeous green lady, who cares what she really looks like!"
"Hello?"
"Rufus!" Dean said. "Just having a little discussion with Sammy. Look, we've got a bit of a situation here and we could use your help."
"Sure, you name it. Wanna triple-team a nest of vampires? Go hog-wild on some demons?"
"Actually, we captured this shifter and he's not killing anyone, he's just using his power to turn into a looker and go around being a man-slut… hello, Rufus? You there?"
"You know what I'd use my power for if I could shape-shift? I'd turn into Mike Tyson to get women."
"Why would you ever do that ever?"
"Because if a girl would go out with Mike Tyson, you know she'd be into some kinky shit."
Dean hung up.
***
"Well, is he for or against?" Sam asked.
"Don't know, too creeped out to process."
"Then let's call Bobby and—"
"No. I am not talking to Bobby about sex. No way, no how."
"Well, we need to talk to someone in authority."
"Hey guys?" the shifter piped up, straddling his chair. "How'd you find me, anyway?"
"Garbageman used to be a hunter, he recognized your… skin stuff," Dean explained.
"You really should be more conscientious about how you throw it out, that stuff is medical waste," Sam added. "Hey, we should talk to Cas."
"Talk to me about what?" Castiel asked. He was, just then, in the basement with them, eating a candy bar. "I was just eating a candy bar."
"We noticed," Dean said. "Look, Cas…"
"I'm aware of the situation," Castiel interrupted.
"And?"
"I don't see what the larger significance is. Sex for non-procreative purposes is frivolous. The same endorphins can be released into the brain by the consumption of processed cocoa seeds." He took a big bite of his candy bar.
"That's just wrong," Sam said.
"This isn't a Destiel fic, so I agree," Dean said.
"Can I turn into you the next time I go to a bar?" the shifter asked.
Castiel stared at him for a moment before disappearing.
"I'm calling Bobby," Sam said.
***
"Boys, glad you called, I got that weird vampire page you found translated. It's from what's called the Necronomicon…"
"Table that, Bobby, we've got something more important to ask you about."
***
"…so I figure if the woman wouldn't have sex with him if he wasn't using a power on her, it's rape," Sam finished.
"And I figure that if we had the technology to give burn victims artificial skin like in Darkman, do they have to look like Freddy Krueger when they pick up women to have it not be rape?" Dean said.
"Well, how does he look in real life?" Bobby asked.
"I don't know… average, ironically enough."
"He looks like that guy who's always playing programmers on TV," Dean said. "You know the one… I just saw his name yesterday… I think he was a CTU guy on 24 for a while… anyway, he looks like that."
Bobby held the phone to his chest and took a deep breath before replying. "Well, I've got to tell you boys, I feel real sorry for all those women who got to have no-strings-attached sex with a young Alec Baldwin. My heart bleeds. Boys, you know what the best sex I ever had was? I picked up this hot-ass redhead in Las Vegas—"
"I'm not comfortable with where this is going," Dean said.
"She was a man! She was a Taiwanese man!"
"I was right not to be comfortable!"
"That's really an entirely separate issue," Sam said.
"My point is, he's not hurting anyone. No one's complaining. Lots of people need to get laid in this damn world. I figure anything that helps that along can't be all bad. Unless it's Rohypnol. Kick him loose, idjits."
"Sure thing, Bobby. Thanks." Sam hung up. "I guess we're letting him go."
"How come you listen to Bobby and not to me?" Dean asked.
"Wouldn't you listen to Bobby and not you?" Sam turned to the shifter. "You're free to go."
"Thanks… could you guys give me some privacy? I've got work in twenty minutes and I have to change."
"Like, change-change?"
"Yeah, I turn into a black guy. Affirmative action, only way to get a job in this economy."
Dean pulled Sam away. "Forget it, Sam. It's Des Moines."
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-10-26 09:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-26 11:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-26 11:07 pm (UTC)I thought only Chuck could poke at the fourth wall.
The remark also prompted some nasty thoughts about what a Destiel fic would do with chocolate. Not the good nasty.
no subject
Date: 2010-10-27 01:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-28 04:01 pm (UTC)Okay, there were a lot of funny lines before and after this, but that's when I began laughing out loud in Starbucks. The Destiel reference and the shifter asking to turn into Castiel, Sam scolding the guy for his medical-waste skin, Castiel stating the obvious, RUFUS OMG, and the punchline - all great!
"Wouldn't you listen to Bobby and not you?" HAHAHA awesome.
Cute idea and you made it loads of fun, while still playing with some serious ideas. I enjoyed it a lot.
"Four women have asked if I'm calling about a threesome," Dean groused. "Do I sound like I'm running a phone sex hotline?"
Yes, Dean. Yes, you do. Feel free to talk in my ear anytime. :D
no subject
Date: 2010-11-16 04:59 am (UTC)"No one's judging your eating habits," Sam said. "Just your raping."
Great, loved it all!
no subject
Date: 2011-01-06 01:17 pm (UTC)