![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficTitle: Only torture if it hurts
Fandom: Legend of the Seeker
Rating: R
Word Count: 2,613
Characters/Pairings: Cara/Kahlan, references to Richard/Kahlan
Author’s notes: Betaed by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
susurrusnight
Previous: Part 1
Next: Part 3
Summary: Kahlan's survived many tortures, but can she take seeing Richard again? Can Cara?
Richard brought them the news that Darken Rahl was hunting them. He'd dispatched over a dozen quads to each point of the compass and it was only a matter of time before they found them. Kahlan's face crumpled some when she heard, more than Cara had ever known it to. She was thinking of being back in the dungeon.
With Richard in the lead, they rode leagues to a cabin in the mountains, Richard and Kahlan and Cara and Nicci.
"Does she have to come along?" Cara asked, watching the blonde eye Kahlan.
"We need magic," Richard said. "And she hates Darken Rahl more than she could ever hate us."
"You wouldn't have worked with her, once."
"Once, I wouldn't have worked with you."
Cara wondered if he envied her, being able to step away from the world and be with Kahlan.
In a quiet, belated sort of way, she realized that she didn't mind not being able to protect Richard.
***
"I wish I had time to build it myself," Richard said when they reached the cabin. "I can't make promises about the workmanship. But the larder's fully stocked. I tried to give you some variety. There's even some strawberries in there." He bit his lip. "Kahlan loves strawberries."
"I'll try to make them last," Cara promised. "I won't have any."
"You can if you want. Kahlan prefers sharing things with people to hoarding."
Cara thought At least, she used to.
Richard moved off to give Kahlan the grand tour, leaving Cara alone with Nicci.
It was a good plan. All through the winter, the cabin would be cut off, safe from Darken Rahl. By winter's end, maybe it would all be over. And maybe Kahlan wouldn't need Cara at her bedside to keep from waking up screaming.
But it wasn’t winter yet. And Richard and Kahlan had been alone for a long time. Cara moved to check on them—what if Kahlan had snapped and done something, she would never forgive herself—but Nicci stepped in her way.
"Are you that naïve?" Nicci asked. "He's been looking forward to this for weeks."
Cara looked away. Of course. From the gossip Zedd had once shared, it had taken Richard no time at all to go from being strung up to Denna's ceiling to being in Kahlan's arms. He thought Kahlan was as strong as he was. He didn't understand that everyone broke, no matter how strong. All it took was time.
"Do you still treat her like the Mother Confessor?" Nicci asked.
Cara fixed her with a glare. "She is the Mother Confessor."
"You know what I mean. The woman who dresses all in white and dreams of babies and matrimony. Do you still treat her like that?"
"Yes."
"You shouldn't."
"And why not… Sister?"
Nicci folded her arms under her breasts. "Don't pretend not to know. We both know what we've been through and what it's done to us. We're very bad, very damaged people. But that doesn't mean we can't have fun." She leaned forward, her smile insolent. "What do you think I plan to do with Richard, all to myself, all winter?"
"He's used to a higher class of woman."
"Well. I'm sure it would salve his guilt if he found out she was cheating too. Consider that when you're pondering how best to serve the Lord Rahl."
***
Nicci unslung her pack from her shoulder and offered to share some cured meat with Cara, who figured that Richard would want her to be civil and accepted. They ate in silence. There was something companionable about it. They were enough alike not to need to speak. Maybe that was why Cara wasn't sorry to see her go with Richard.
She and Kahlan spent the afternoon going over the cabin, doing minor repairs to prepare for winter. In the evening, they lit candles in the foyer, Kahlan curled up on the bed. Cara had already resigned herself to sleeping on a bedroll in the larder.
Until then, Cara sat next to the candlelight so Kahlan was in her shadow, where she could get some sleep, and read from a scroll of poetry. Romantic stuff. She hoped Kahlan liked it. When she had run out of poems and the candle was burning low, she blew it out and let moonlight filled the room, then went to the bed to check on Kahlan. Her eyes were closed, but she was still awake.
Cara stood over her long enough that her eyes became accustomed to the dark. Finally, she bent down so her lips were at Kahlan's ear and asked "Would you like me to stay?"
Kahlan was still quiet, the kind that was somehow more silent than if she'd not been there, and Cara straightened.
"May I hold your Agiel?" Kahlan asked suddenly.
Cara blinked. "It'll hurt."
Kahlan shifted and looked up at her with cold, dead eyes. "I know."
Cara would do anything to make those eyes twinkle. Or even tear up. She pulled her Agiel free from its holster and Kahlan's eyes became hungry. She held it out in front of Kahlan. The Confessor's arm, still thin and white from her captivity, left the covers and reached out for it. Her hand paused over the Agiel and Cara hoped she would stop. Then Kahlan took hold of it.
Cara saw the pain travel down her arm and make her teeth clap together. Kahlan moaned gently, but as her fingers white-knuckled around the Agiel, she became more vocal. Her breathing became heavy and forceful, as if she had just run a mile uphill. Cara couldn't look away. It wasn't just the way Kahlan was breaking into a sweat, her eyes squeezed tightly shut, her hips working themselves in sinuous circles. It was that she could practically see the pain rising up in Kahlan and then being processed, shunted off to some inner reserve of strength.
Kahlan's moans changed in tenor. They were paced faster, sounding almost like one continuous vocalization. Her hips worked so furiously at the air that the sheets began to fall away from her. Cara saw her trembling breasts, a fine sheen of sweat making them glow in the moonlight. The muscles she had helped Kahlan rebuild were tensed, every last one of them, and Kahlan's breath sounded like it was being forced out of her lungs by the steady rhythm of the magic from the Agiel. Finally, Kahlan gasped in one huge breath and froze, stiffened, her hips climbing off the bed and holding in mid-air. Cara's intoxicated mind finally realized how Kahlan could stand the pain; she had figured out how to feel it as pleasure.
"Cara," Kahlan groaned, a quiet, gasping tribute in contrast to all her previous cries and whimpers. Her eyes were open and staring deep into Cara's. They burned. They burned together.
Cara snatched the Agiel from her hand and like a puppet with its strings cut, Kahlan dropped to the bed. Her head lolled to the side, facing Cara as she decisively slotted the Agiel away.
"I thought it would hurt more," Kahlan said softly. "I felt myself… like with Richard. I think I could've kept going forever if you hadn't stopped me." She sounded rueful, but not accusatory.
"No. You couldn't have." Cara spoke from experience.
Kahlan ran her hand down her face, cleaning some of the sweat from it. Her eyes stared straight up. "I took him in my mouth. He came in a few minutes. Then he kissed my cheeks, my neck, my breasts, my lips. Finally, he held me and didn't let me go."
Richard. "Did it hurt?" Cara asked, something inside her quivering with concern.
Kahlan faced Cara again. "No. It felt like nothing."
Cara almost instinctively reached for her Agiel, wanting the pain to drown this out, but she couldn't. Not in front of Kahlan. "Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I want to know if I pleased you."
Cara said nothing. The quivering thing inside her was on fire.
Kahlan turned over, away from Cara, grinding her head into her pillow like she wanted to sink into it. "I'm never going to be like I was before."
"No. You'll be better."
"How?"
"You'll be strong. Unhesitant. You won't let anyone hurt you again." Cara pulled the sheets back over Kahlan. "Will you have nightmares, if you're alone?"
"No. I don't have dreams anymore."
Kahlan's hand was lying on the bedspread, still curled as if she were holding the Agiel. Cara took Kahlan's hand in both of hers and stroked it for a long moment, until it relaxed. When Cara looked at her again, Kahlan was asleep. She didn't look peaceful. Her face was as set and blank as a funerary mask.
***
When Cara woke, Kahlan had prepared breakfast for them. A stew simmering in the cauldron over the fire. Kahlan looked so happy busying herself, tasting every so often and adding some salt, or sliced carrots, or radish leaves. Cara just watched her. Kahlan would be that happy living with the Lord Rahl, raising his children.
They sat across from each other at the table and began to eat. After two spoonfuls, Cara paused. Kahlan wasn't eating. She was mumbling, almost against her will, "Master Rahl guide us. Master Rahl teach us. Master Rahl protect us."
Cara got up and crossed over to Kahlan. She pulled her head back by the hair and began to spoon-feed her, practically forcing the soup into Kahlan's mouth. Kahlan looked up at her while she was fed, meekly swallowing everything Cara doled out until finally the spoon was scraping the bowl. Cara let go and went back to her chair. Her soup had cooled.
"I was thinking of Richard," Kahlan said.
Cara took a bite.
"Do you like it?" Kahlan asked, suddenly fawning.
"It's very tasty," Cara said. She didn't lie.
"Four months in… I think it was four… they started having me make them dinner." Kahlan raised her hand, stared at it, didn't know what to do with it. She moved it back to play with her hair. "At first I only made gruel, but they had all kinds of ingredients. But the cooks had never even heard of spice soup. It wasn't that hard to surpass them. I got very good at cooking; every night they'd make me cook for them." The words were flowing out of Kahlan so fast that Cara could only stare, her spoon abandoned to her soup. "I think they went easy on me for that, because Solvig let me sleep at the foot of her bed instead of in the straw. I used to get so excited when they let me cook, and then when they tasted it and liked it, I couldn't stop smiling. I was so happy. Happy. Happy I had pleased my captors and torturers…" She stopped talking, ashamed. Her hand clenched in her hair. Slowly, she pulled, until she had ripped a lock of hair from her head.
Cara went to Kahlan and wrapped her in her arms and hoped she knew what she was doing. Kahlan seemed to relax, but at the same time deep heaving sobs moved her chest against Cara. Cara pulled her down to the carpet and held her tighter, pulling off her glove with her teeth and then running her bare hand along Kahlan's back.
After a long time, Kahlan's arms stopped being limp. They wound around Cara and clung to her, like she was one of those dolls nestled inside another. Cara sat up, securing Kahlan in her lap like a child, and stroked her hair. "You're strong," she whispered in Kahlan's ear, hoping the softness of her words would be soothing. "You're so very strong."
"They broke me." Kahlan's voice had shattered. "I did everything they asked of me, gave them everything they wanted…"
"You held out for six months. You survived. That's all that matters."
"They made me into a monster."
"You're not a monster."
"I want to do things… I want to hurt people. I wanted to hurt Richard."
Cara kissed her forehead. "We all want to hurt Richard, once in a while."
Kahlan laughed, a strangled, sharp thing.
"You're going to get better," Cara promised her.
"I'll be like you. Stuck between worlds. I'll never have a normal life. All I've ever wanted, since I was a girl…"
"You don't have to be normal to be happy." Cara kissed Kahlan's forehead again, this time leaving her mouth pressed to her brow. "I promise you you'll be happy."
Kahlan didn't say anything. Cara hoped that meant she believed her.
After a while, Kahlan moved. Cara let go of her and, awkwardly, fumbling, Kahlan got to her feet. She dusted herself off. Laughed unconvincingly. "I've probably let the soup simmer too long, burnt it all the way to the Keeper. That was supposed to last us all day."
Cara got up. Kahlan stayed put.
"We could've had some with our afternoon bread, or poured onto our eggs. Maybe with some crackers, if Richard left us any of those. I should check. If I can save the soup."
Cara almost reached for her before Kahlan went to lift the cauldron from the fire. She stayed bent by the fireplace, tasting the mix with her ladle. "I think it'll be fine," Kahlan said.
"You can talk about it," Cara said. "Anything you like. I won't judge you."
They didn't talk for the rest of the day. Cara wouldn't push Kahlan, not any. That was what a Mord'Sith would do.
***
In the middle of the night, Cara awoke to find Kahlan kneeling at the foot of her bed. Her shift couldn’t have done much for the cold. Cara sat up and unfurled the blanket she had been using as a pillow, putting it around Kahlan before anything else. Even as Cara pulled it tight around her, Kahlan said "They broke me."
"I know," Cara said, running her hand over Kahlan's cheek. The Confessor wasn't crying. Cara wished she knew whether that was good or bad. Richard would know.
"They broke me with you," Kahlan said. Her voice, which had flittered with something pleading and emotional, dropped into a bare monotone. "They brought in a woman. She looked like you, she was dressed like you, but her face was all bloody, I couldn't tell… they said she died trying to rescue me. And I thought about how you would never be in love, never have kids, never even serve Richard, all because of me. After that, I lost track of time. And then you did rescue me. It was like you came back from the dead, just for me."
She stood, wavered, turned. The blanket fell away. Her white shift, pale skin, and spindly limbs made her look like a ghost. Cara could only watch her take a few steps before calling out "You can stay with me tonight. If you wish."
Kahlan walked back with heavy steps. Her arms dangled at her side. Cara reached up, took her by the hand, and pulled her slowly down into an embrace. Only then did Kahlan let go of the breath she'd been holding.
All Cara could see was the back of Kahlan's head and her rigid spine. "You did this for me after Leo died, remember? It meant a lot to me."
"It meant a lot to me too. I thought… I used to think… that you were just a killer, nothing more. But you have hopes and dreams and feelings." Kahlan sagged against Cara's sheltering arm, using it as a pillow. "I loved that you shared that with me."
"Anytime."
Fandom: Legend of the Seeker
Rating: R
Word Count: 2,613
Characters/Pairings: Cara/Kahlan, references to Richard/Kahlan
Author’s notes: Betaed by
susurrusnight Previous: Part 1
Next: Part 3
Summary: Kahlan's survived many tortures, but can she take seeing Richard again? Can Cara?
Richard brought them the news that Darken Rahl was hunting them. He'd dispatched over a dozen quads to each point of the compass and it was only a matter of time before they found them. Kahlan's face crumpled some when she heard, more than Cara had ever known it to. She was thinking of being back in the dungeon.
With Richard in the lead, they rode leagues to a cabin in the mountains, Richard and Kahlan and Cara and Nicci.
"Does she have to come along?" Cara asked, watching the blonde eye Kahlan.
"We need magic," Richard said. "And she hates Darken Rahl more than she could ever hate us."
"You wouldn't have worked with her, once."
"Once, I wouldn't have worked with you."
Cara wondered if he envied her, being able to step away from the world and be with Kahlan.
In a quiet, belated sort of way, she realized that she didn't mind not being able to protect Richard.
***
"I wish I had time to build it myself," Richard said when they reached the cabin. "I can't make promises about the workmanship. But the larder's fully stocked. I tried to give you some variety. There's even some strawberries in there." He bit his lip. "Kahlan loves strawberries."
"I'll try to make them last," Cara promised. "I won't have any."
"You can if you want. Kahlan prefers sharing things with people to hoarding."
Cara thought At least, she used to.
Richard moved off to give Kahlan the grand tour, leaving Cara alone with Nicci.
It was a good plan. All through the winter, the cabin would be cut off, safe from Darken Rahl. By winter's end, maybe it would all be over. And maybe Kahlan wouldn't need Cara at her bedside to keep from waking up screaming.
But it wasn’t winter yet. And Richard and Kahlan had been alone for a long time. Cara moved to check on them—what if Kahlan had snapped and done something, she would never forgive herself—but Nicci stepped in her way.
"Are you that naïve?" Nicci asked. "He's been looking forward to this for weeks."
Cara looked away. Of course. From the gossip Zedd had once shared, it had taken Richard no time at all to go from being strung up to Denna's ceiling to being in Kahlan's arms. He thought Kahlan was as strong as he was. He didn't understand that everyone broke, no matter how strong. All it took was time.
"Do you still treat her like the Mother Confessor?" Nicci asked.
Cara fixed her with a glare. "She is the Mother Confessor."
"You know what I mean. The woman who dresses all in white and dreams of babies and matrimony. Do you still treat her like that?"
"Yes."
"You shouldn't."
"And why not… Sister?"
Nicci folded her arms under her breasts. "Don't pretend not to know. We both know what we've been through and what it's done to us. We're very bad, very damaged people. But that doesn't mean we can't have fun." She leaned forward, her smile insolent. "What do you think I plan to do with Richard, all to myself, all winter?"
"He's used to a higher class of woman."
"Well. I'm sure it would salve his guilt if he found out she was cheating too. Consider that when you're pondering how best to serve the Lord Rahl."
***
Nicci unslung her pack from her shoulder and offered to share some cured meat with Cara, who figured that Richard would want her to be civil and accepted. They ate in silence. There was something companionable about it. They were enough alike not to need to speak. Maybe that was why Cara wasn't sorry to see her go with Richard.
She and Kahlan spent the afternoon going over the cabin, doing minor repairs to prepare for winter. In the evening, they lit candles in the foyer, Kahlan curled up on the bed. Cara had already resigned herself to sleeping on a bedroll in the larder.
Until then, Cara sat next to the candlelight so Kahlan was in her shadow, where she could get some sleep, and read from a scroll of poetry. Romantic stuff. She hoped Kahlan liked it. When she had run out of poems and the candle was burning low, she blew it out and let moonlight filled the room, then went to the bed to check on Kahlan. Her eyes were closed, but she was still awake.
Cara stood over her long enough that her eyes became accustomed to the dark. Finally, she bent down so her lips were at Kahlan's ear and asked "Would you like me to stay?"
Kahlan was still quiet, the kind that was somehow more silent than if she'd not been there, and Cara straightened.
"May I hold your Agiel?" Kahlan asked suddenly.
Cara blinked. "It'll hurt."
Kahlan shifted and looked up at her with cold, dead eyes. "I know."
Cara would do anything to make those eyes twinkle. Or even tear up. She pulled her Agiel free from its holster and Kahlan's eyes became hungry. She held it out in front of Kahlan. The Confessor's arm, still thin and white from her captivity, left the covers and reached out for it. Her hand paused over the Agiel and Cara hoped she would stop. Then Kahlan took hold of it.
Cara saw the pain travel down her arm and make her teeth clap together. Kahlan moaned gently, but as her fingers white-knuckled around the Agiel, she became more vocal. Her breathing became heavy and forceful, as if she had just run a mile uphill. Cara couldn't look away. It wasn't just the way Kahlan was breaking into a sweat, her eyes squeezed tightly shut, her hips working themselves in sinuous circles. It was that she could practically see the pain rising up in Kahlan and then being processed, shunted off to some inner reserve of strength.
Kahlan's moans changed in tenor. They were paced faster, sounding almost like one continuous vocalization. Her hips worked so furiously at the air that the sheets began to fall away from her. Cara saw her trembling breasts, a fine sheen of sweat making them glow in the moonlight. The muscles she had helped Kahlan rebuild were tensed, every last one of them, and Kahlan's breath sounded like it was being forced out of her lungs by the steady rhythm of the magic from the Agiel. Finally, Kahlan gasped in one huge breath and froze, stiffened, her hips climbing off the bed and holding in mid-air. Cara's intoxicated mind finally realized how Kahlan could stand the pain; she had figured out how to feel it as pleasure.
"Cara," Kahlan groaned, a quiet, gasping tribute in contrast to all her previous cries and whimpers. Her eyes were open and staring deep into Cara's. They burned. They burned together.
Cara snatched the Agiel from her hand and like a puppet with its strings cut, Kahlan dropped to the bed. Her head lolled to the side, facing Cara as she decisively slotted the Agiel away.
"I thought it would hurt more," Kahlan said softly. "I felt myself… like with Richard. I think I could've kept going forever if you hadn't stopped me." She sounded rueful, but not accusatory.
"No. You couldn't have." Cara spoke from experience.
Kahlan ran her hand down her face, cleaning some of the sweat from it. Her eyes stared straight up. "I took him in my mouth. He came in a few minutes. Then he kissed my cheeks, my neck, my breasts, my lips. Finally, he held me and didn't let me go."
Richard. "Did it hurt?" Cara asked, something inside her quivering with concern.
Kahlan faced Cara again. "No. It felt like nothing."
Cara almost instinctively reached for her Agiel, wanting the pain to drown this out, but she couldn't. Not in front of Kahlan. "Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I want to know if I pleased you."
Cara said nothing. The quivering thing inside her was on fire.
Kahlan turned over, away from Cara, grinding her head into her pillow like she wanted to sink into it. "I'm never going to be like I was before."
"No. You'll be better."
"How?"
"You'll be strong. Unhesitant. You won't let anyone hurt you again." Cara pulled the sheets back over Kahlan. "Will you have nightmares, if you're alone?"
"No. I don't have dreams anymore."
Kahlan's hand was lying on the bedspread, still curled as if she were holding the Agiel. Cara took Kahlan's hand in both of hers and stroked it for a long moment, until it relaxed. When Cara looked at her again, Kahlan was asleep. She didn't look peaceful. Her face was as set and blank as a funerary mask.
***
When Cara woke, Kahlan had prepared breakfast for them. A stew simmering in the cauldron over the fire. Kahlan looked so happy busying herself, tasting every so often and adding some salt, or sliced carrots, or radish leaves. Cara just watched her. Kahlan would be that happy living with the Lord Rahl, raising his children.
They sat across from each other at the table and began to eat. After two spoonfuls, Cara paused. Kahlan wasn't eating. She was mumbling, almost against her will, "Master Rahl guide us. Master Rahl teach us. Master Rahl protect us."
Cara got up and crossed over to Kahlan. She pulled her head back by the hair and began to spoon-feed her, practically forcing the soup into Kahlan's mouth. Kahlan looked up at her while she was fed, meekly swallowing everything Cara doled out until finally the spoon was scraping the bowl. Cara let go and went back to her chair. Her soup had cooled.
"I was thinking of Richard," Kahlan said.
Cara took a bite.
"Do you like it?" Kahlan asked, suddenly fawning.
"It's very tasty," Cara said. She didn't lie.
"Four months in… I think it was four… they started having me make them dinner." Kahlan raised her hand, stared at it, didn't know what to do with it. She moved it back to play with her hair. "At first I only made gruel, but they had all kinds of ingredients. But the cooks had never even heard of spice soup. It wasn't that hard to surpass them. I got very good at cooking; every night they'd make me cook for them." The words were flowing out of Kahlan so fast that Cara could only stare, her spoon abandoned to her soup. "I think they went easy on me for that, because Solvig let me sleep at the foot of her bed instead of in the straw. I used to get so excited when they let me cook, and then when they tasted it and liked it, I couldn't stop smiling. I was so happy. Happy. Happy I had pleased my captors and torturers…" She stopped talking, ashamed. Her hand clenched in her hair. Slowly, she pulled, until she had ripped a lock of hair from her head.
Cara went to Kahlan and wrapped her in her arms and hoped she knew what she was doing. Kahlan seemed to relax, but at the same time deep heaving sobs moved her chest against Cara. Cara pulled her down to the carpet and held her tighter, pulling off her glove with her teeth and then running her bare hand along Kahlan's back.
After a long time, Kahlan's arms stopped being limp. They wound around Cara and clung to her, like she was one of those dolls nestled inside another. Cara sat up, securing Kahlan in her lap like a child, and stroked her hair. "You're strong," she whispered in Kahlan's ear, hoping the softness of her words would be soothing. "You're so very strong."
"They broke me." Kahlan's voice had shattered. "I did everything they asked of me, gave them everything they wanted…"
"You held out for six months. You survived. That's all that matters."
"They made me into a monster."
"You're not a monster."
"I want to do things… I want to hurt people. I wanted to hurt Richard."
Cara kissed her forehead. "We all want to hurt Richard, once in a while."
Kahlan laughed, a strangled, sharp thing.
"You're going to get better," Cara promised her.
"I'll be like you. Stuck between worlds. I'll never have a normal life. All I've ever wanted, since I was a girl…"
"You don't have to be normal to be happy." Cara kissed Kahlan's forehead again, this time leaving her mouth pressed to her brow. "I promise you you'll be happy."
Kahlan didn't say anything. Cara hoped that meant she believed her.
After a while, Kahlan moved. Cara let go of her and, awkwardly, fumbling, Kahlan got to her feet. She dusted herself off. Laughed unconvincingly. "I've probably let the soup simmer too long, burnt it all the way to the Keeper. That was supposed to last us all day."
Cara got up. Kahlan stayed put.
"We could've had some with our afternoon bread, or poured onto our eggs. Maybe with some crackers, if Richard left us any of those. I should check. If I can save the soup."
Cara almost reached for her before Kahlan went to lift the cauldron from the fire. She stayed bent by the fireplace, tasting the mix with her ladle. "I think it'll be fine," Kahlan said.
"You can talk about it," Cara said. "Anything you like. I won't judge you."
They didn't talk for the rest of the day. Cara wouldn't push Kahlan, not any. That was what a Mord'Sith would do.
***
In the middle of the night, Cara awoke to find Kahlan kneeling at the foot of her bed. Her shift couldn’t have done much for the cold. Cara sat up and unfurled the blanket she had been using as a pillow, putting it around Kahlan before anything else. Even as Cara pulled it tight around her, Kahlan said "They broke me."
"I know," Cara said, running her hand over Kahlan's cheek. The Confessor wasn't crying. Cara wished she knew whether that was good or bad. Richard would know.
"They broke me with you," Kahlan said. Her voice, which had flittered with something pleading and emotional, dropped into a bare monotone. "They brought in a woman. She looked like you, she was dressed like you, but her face was all bloody, I couldn't tell… they said she died trying to rescue me. And I thought about how you would never be in love, never have kids, never even serve Richard, all because of me. After that, I lost track of time. And then you did rescue me. It was like you came back from the dead, just for me."
She stood, wavered, turned. The blanket fell away. Her white shift, pale skin, and spindly limbs made her look like a ghost. Cara could only watch her take a few steps before calling out "You can stay with me tonight. If you wish."
Kahlan walked back with heavy steps. Her arms dangled at her side. Cara reached up, took her by the hand, and pulled her slowly down into an embrace. Only then did Kahlan let go of the breath she'd been holding.
All Cara could see was the back of Kahlan's head and her rigid spine. "You did this for me after Leo died, remember? It meant a lot to me."
"It meant a lot to me too. I thought… I used to think… that you were just a killer, nothing more. But you have hopes and dreams and feelings." Kahlan sagged against Cara's sheltering arm, using it as a pillow. "I loved that you shared that with me."
"Anytime."
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-07-26 03:04 pm (UTC)It's heartbreaking seeing Cara trying to recreate for Kahlan what happened to heal her, something she didn't even want in the beginning.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-26 04:14 pm (UTC)Well, that's it exactly. Richard really does care for Kahlan, but he has this idealized image of her, he can't grok that she's broken. So when she comes onto him, even though he probably should demur like Cara, he can't see that she's just going it to please her mistress, can't see why she goes to third base instead of fourth. It's not that he's a bad guy, it's just that he literally can't understand Kahlan the way Cara can.
Of course, the story is told from Cara's POV (and with Nicci's insinuations), so naturally it looks like the worst.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-29 02:12 am (UTC)Tell me about it. So much fun to write!
no subject
Date: 2010-07-26 03:42 pm (UTC)Wonderful: "You don't have to be normal to be happy." Cara kissed Kahlan's forehead again, this time leaving her mouth pressed to her brow. "I promise you you'll be happy."
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Date: 2010-07-26 03:50 pm (UTC)The broken pieces and places in Kahlan seem to be both horrifying and beautiful to Cara. A part of her rages at her beloved Kahlan reduced to this, but the Mord-Sith within can see the beauty in the broken.
I love how this explores the question: How do you piece back together someone you care for when you, yourself, are still jagged pieces?
I am thoroughly enjoying this. Very interested to see where it ends. Also, I want to join the "Let's hurt Richard" fanclub. Oi vey.
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Date: 2010-07-29 02:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-26 03:57 pm (UTC)This is just shredding me. (And that's not a bad thing. LOL)
Oh, the twists in the story... I'm all relieved that Kahlan seems relaxed cooking, only to find that it was something else perverted by her breaking. And that her thinking of Richard becomes a chant to Lord Rahl? Etc. etc. It leaves us so off balance as a reader, which is so appropriate to relating to Kahlan right now. And frankly, Cara. Brill.
And the idea that fake-Cara was the final straw for Kahlan breaking...
I agree that Nicci has my sympathy here much more than Richard. (Seriously, you think a BJ will help Kahlan heal, Richie?) If Nicci wasn't equally obsessed about Richard, I'd like her even more, but that's just part of her own damamged need, so...
A difficult read, but it has such complexity, emotion and depth to it, it's still a kind of joy. Thanks.
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Date: 2010-07-26 06:35 pm (UTC)I have no idea where he'd get a thought like that. But in all seriousness, you might want to look at the response I gave to
I appreciate the comment and I'm glad you're liking the story, even if it is a rough read.
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Date: 2010-07-26 08:25 pm (UTC)Hmm, I wasn't seeing it as abusive, just darn clueless, which I guess puts it in line with your explanation above, actually.
But sometimes it is easier for us to believe that what is pleasing us is also good for the other person, too. So I still see a tinge of unacknowledged selfishness in there. (Influenced in part from the "he's been looking forward to this for weeks" line)
But I won't be gathering a bunch of villagers with torches to go after Richard soon. ;)
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Date: 2010-07-26 08:14 pm (UTC)sorry. i have been reduced to a pile of mush. this is just so darn amazing, words fail me.
looking very forward to the 3rd installment.
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Date: 2010-07-29 02:17 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2010-08-01 10:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-26 10:17 pm (UTC)Thank God Cara is here for her... Also i can't help but find that Richard is a little too clueless for it to be honest..
Seriously his magical powers supposedly help him discern truth.. but not when it touches him personnally.. 'magical glitch' ? lol
no torching for him but a nice big slap would be kind of nice :)
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Date: 2010-07-29 02:19 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2010-07-27 01:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-29 02:20 am (UTC)Well, maybe if Kahlan asked her nicely...
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Date: 2010-07-27 03:38 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2010-07-27 09:05 pm (UTC)This is such a special part:
"You don't have to be normal to be happy." Cara kissed Kahlan's forehead again, this time leaving her mouth pressed to her brow. "I promise you you'll be happy."
Kahlan didn't say anything. Cara hoped that meant she believed her.
It reflects so much about these heroic women.
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Date: 2010-07-29 03:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-02 07:37 pm (UTC)