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seriousficSo yes, I saw that Mortal Kombat trailer/proof of concept/fan film/holy hell Jeri Ryan is still hot like bacon grease. And yeah, the fanboy in me thinks it looks kinda cool, although I'd be far more interested if it were a Michael Jai White/Jeri Ryan buddy movie set in the Mortal Kombat universe. But isn't the whole point of Mortal Kombat that there's dimension-hopping and magic and ninjas and shit? Without that, it's just... Street Fighter. It makes me wonder where this grim and gritty reboot business is going to end...
Coming Summer 2013...
INT. HIGH-TECH COMMAND CENTER - DAY
SUPER: "The Burrows."
Command Center of P.H.O.E.N.I.X.
Classification: Magnum-top-secret.
Harry Potter (Sam Worthington), Ginny Weasley (Kristen Stewart), and Ronnie McGrizzle (Chris Tucker) walk in to greet Commander Albert Smith, aka THE DUMBLE (Danny Glover).
THE DUMBLE: Gentlemen, welcome to the Burrows. You three are the best operatives in the armed forces of the Western world, whether it be the Navy Seals (shot of Harry), Mossad (shot of Ginny), or the LAPD (shot of Ronnie). Five days ago, the Trelawney defense satellite grid picked up evidence of a terrorist training camp in the Scottish highlands.
RONNIE: Who gives a shit, man? Bomb that shit! You ain't getting my black ass out there, eating Haggis and shit. Sheeeat!
THE DUMBLE: There isn't any ordinary training camp. It's run by Thomas Riddle. That's right, Harry, the man who killed your parents.
Harry grimaces. The fifteen HDTVs linked up in the background suddenly show a profile of THOMAS RIDDLE (Mark Strong), including him playing a high-stakes game of poker and smoking a cigar.
THE DUMBLE: Yes, that's right. The man who runs the Death Eater terrorist network. It was under his orders that Bellatrix Lestrange...
The synced-up TVs now show a profile of Bellatrix Lestrange (Michael Clarke Duncan).
THE DUMBLE: Stole our experimental nanotech mech prototypes. That's what he's training the terrorists in.
HARRY: Nanotech mechs. My God. With that kind of hardware, Riddle could kill my parents a hundred times over!
THE DUMBLE: (nodding) It'd be like the Holocaust. On fire. Your mission will be to infiltrate the training camp, find the stolen nanotech mech, and bring Riddle down.
Ginny looks concerned. Her bodice is zipped up nearly over her cleavage to show the seriousness of the situation.
SCENE 52
INT. HOGSMEADE - EVENING
A hip, happening NIGHTCLUB playing the latest KANYE WEST SINGLE. POLE DANCERS throw down sparkling FIREWORKS at the crowd. DRACA MALFOY (Gemma Arterton) leads Harry through the throng.
DRACA: If you want to find out what's in Chamber Secret, you'll have to follow me...
She goes through a hidden passage. Harry moves to follow when Ginny gets in his way. Since this is a romantic scene, her bodice is zipped down to her navel.
GINNY: Can't you see she's trying to trick you? We can't trust her, didn't you see her tattoo? She's part of the Slytherin crime family!
HARRY: Well, I did see her tattoo...
Ginny slaps him.
GINNY: Bastard!
Harry grimaces. Then kisses her.
HARRY: I'm sorry, Ginny. But I can't afford to let my personal feelings get in the way of getting revenge on Riddle.
GINNY: Is that what we're fighting for, then? A world without love?
SCENE 78
EXT. ISRAELI VILLAGE - EVENING
The class follow JACK SNAPE (Vin Diesel) despite the bombing going on in the background. He leads them to twenty HIGH-TECH BLACK MOTORCYCLES.
RON: This is our assignment? I'm from the street, I know how to work a motorcycle, ya know what I'm saying?
He notices LUNA LOVEGOOD (Bai Ling) sucking her finger as she looks at him.
RON: In fact, I can ride just about everything. Know... what I'm saying?
SNAPE: These aren't like your little crotch rockets back home, bitch. These have been modified with state-of-the-art adaptive armor, customized arsenals we ripped off a few old jet planes, and a goddamn cupholder with the little wings so after you get a HAPPY MEAL from MCDONALD'S, it won't matter if you get an affordable small drink or really quench your thirst with a large milkshake, it won't fall out. Gentlemen, meet the Nimbus 5000.
He snaps his fingers and the motorcycles unfurl wings packed with machine guns and missiles.
RON: Now that's what I'm talking about!
SCENE 99
EXT. HOGWART ROOFTOPS - NIGHT
The castle is in flames. Harry shakes off the last of his crippled battle armor. Riddle's battle armor is similarly damaged, but he struggles to make it work.
RIDDLE: Voice commmand! Expecto patronum!
It is then he notices that his suit won't work while it's covered in the crude oil from the Gringotts whorehouse. Harry lights a cigarette.
HARRY: Looks like you weren't EXPECTING PETROLEUM.
He flicks his just-lit cigarette into Riddle, who is set on fire, then electrocuted by his suit, then explodes.
HARRY: You lose.
Ginny rushes up to him, throwing aside the samurai sword she used to kill Draca.
GINNY: We did it, Harry! We won!
HARRY: Did we? Without Ron, it doesn't feel like much of a victory.
RON: (O.S.) You say my name, muthas?
They look up to see RON, his arm in a cast, parachuting down.
GINNY: You're alive!
RON: Damn straight, gurl! It'll take more than a few tanks to kill my black ass!
He lands. Harry manfully clasps hands with him, then Ginny gives him a kiss on the cheek.
SCENE 103
EXT. MCGRIZZLE HOUSE - DAY
As our heroes laugh over Ron being chewed out by his overbearing mother, SNAPE watches from the roof of a nearby building.
SNAPE: You may think you've won. But soon, you'll find your victory is hollow.
He looks at the camera.
SNAPE: DEATHLY HOLLOW!
SMASH CUT TO BLACK. ROLL CREDITS as the Glee kids sing Nickelback's How You Remind Me.
Coming Summer 2013...
INT. HIGH-TECH COMMAND CENTER - DAY
SUPER: "The Burrows."
Command Center of P.H.O.E.N.I.X.
Classification: Magnum-top-secret.
Harry Potter (Sam Worthington), Ginny Weasley (Kristen Stewart), and Ronnie McGrizzle (Chris Tucker) walk in to greet Commander Albert Smith, aka THE DUMBLE (Danny Glover).
THE DUMBLE: Gentlemen, welcome to the Burrows. You three are the best operatives in the armed forces of the Western world, whether it be the Navy Seals (shot of Harry), Mossad (shot of Ginny), or the LAPD (shot of Ronnie). Five days ago, the Trelawney defense satellite grid picked up evidence of a terrorist training camp in the Scottish highlands.
RONNIE: Who gives a shit, man? Bomb that shit! You ain't getting my black ass out there, eating Haggis and shit. Sheeeat!
THE DUMBLE: There isn't any ordinary training camp. It's run by Thomas Riddle. That's right, Harry, the man who killed your parents.
Harry grimaces. The fifteen HDTVs linked up in the background suddenly show a profile of THOMAS RIDDLE (Mark Strong), including him playing a high-stakes game of poker and smoking a cigar.
THE DUMBLE: Yes, that's right. The man who runs the Death Eater terrorist network. It was under his orders that Bellatrix Lestrange...
The synced-up TVs now show a profile of Bellatrix Lestrange (Michael Clarke Duncan).
THE DUMBLE: Stole our experimental nanotech mech prototypes. That's what he's training the terrorists in.
HARRY: Nanotech mechs. My God. With that kind of hardware, Riddle could kill my parents a hundred times over!
THE DUMBLE: (nodding) It'd be like the Holocaust. On fire. Your mission will be to infiltrate the training camp, find the stolen nanotech mech, and bring Riddle down.
Ginny looks concerned. Her bodice is zipped up nearly over her cleavage to show the seriousness of the situation.
SCENE 52
INT. HOGSMEADE - EVENING
A hip, happening NIGHTCLUB playing the latest KANYE WEST SINGLE. POLE DANCERS throw down sparkling FIREWORKS at the crowd. DRACA MALFOY (Gemma Arterton) leads Harry through the throng.
DRACA: If you want to find out what's in Chamber Secret, you'll have to follow me...
She goes through a hidden passage. Harry moves to follow when Ginny gets in his way. Since this is a romantic scene, her bodice is zipped down to her navel.
GINNY: Can't you see she's trying to trick you? We can't trust her, didn't you see her tattoo? She's part of the Slytherin crime family!
HARRY: Well, I did see her tattoo...
Ginny slaps him.
GINNY: Bastard!
Harry grimaces. Then kisses her.
HARRY: I'm sorry, Ginny. But I can't afford to let my personal feelings get in the way of getting revenge on Riddle.
GINNY: Is that what we're fighting for, then? A world without love?
SCENE 78
EXT. ISRAELI VILLAGE - EVENING
The class follow JACK SNAPE (Vin Diesel) despite the bombing going on in the background. He leads them to twenty HIGH-TECH BLACK MOTORCYCLES.
RON: This is our assignment? I'm from the street, I know how to work a motorcycle, ya know what I'm saying?
He notices LUNA LOVEGOOD (Bai Ling) sucking her finger as she looks at him.
RON: In fact, I can ride just about everything. Know... what I'm saying?
SNAPE: These aren't like your little crotch rockets back home, bitch. These have been modified with state-of-the-art adaptive armor, customized arsenals we ripped off a few old jet planes, and a goddamn cupholder with the little wings so after you get a HAPPY MEAL from MCDONALD'S, it won't matter if you get an affordable small drink or really quench your thirst with a large milkshake, it won't fall out. Gentlemen, meet the Nimbus 5000.
He snaps his fingers and the motorcycles unfurl wings packed with machine guns and missiles.
RON: Now that's what I'm talking about!
SCENE 99
EXT. HOGWART ROOFTOPS - NIGHT
The castle is in flames. Harry shakes off the last of his crippled battle armor. Riddle's battle armor is similarly damaged, but he struggles to make it work.
RIDDLE: Voice commmand! Expecto patronum!
It is then he notices that his suit won't work while it's covered in the crude oil from the Gringotts whorehouse. Harry lights a cigarette.
HARRY: Looks like you weren't EXPECTING PETROLEUM.
He flicks his just-lit cigarette into Riddle, who is set on fire, then electrocuted by his suit, then explodes.
HARRY: You lose.
Ginny rushes up to him, throwing aside the samurai sword she used to kill Draca.
GINNY: We did it, Harry! We won!
HARRY: Did we? Without Ron, it doesn't feel like much of a victory.
RON: (O.S.) You say my name, muthas?
They look up to see RON, his arm in a cast, parachuting down.
GINNY: You're alive!
RON: Damn straight, gurl! It'll take more than a few tanks to kill my black ass!
He lands. Harry manfully clasps hands with him, then Ginny gives him a kiss on the cheek.
SCENE 103
EXT. MCGRIZZLE HOUSE - DAY
As our heroes laugh over Ron being chewed out by his overbearing mother, SNAPE watches from the roof of a nearby building.
SNAPE: You may think you've won. But soon, you'll find your victory is hollow.
He looks at the camera.
SNAPE: DEATHLY HOLLOW!
SMASH CUT TO BLACK. ROLL CREDITS as the Glee kids sing Nickelback's How You Remind Me.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-06-09 09:46 pm (UTC)I think I saw the entire trailer in my head and it was scored by John Williams.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-09 09:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-09 11:23 pm (UTC)Dare I ask-- lj cut these longer posts? please?
no subject
Date: 2010-06-10 11:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-09 11:15 pm (UTC)Ginny looks concerned. Her bodice is zipped up nearly over her cleavage to show the seriousness of the situation.
Freaking hilarious.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-09 11:46 pm (UTC)"Is that what we're fighting for, then? A WORLD WITHOUT LOVE?" made me lawl.
I take it that Hermione was too classy for this? She's the kind of smart girl whose contract has a Jon Turtletaub get-out clause . . .
no subject
Date: 2010-06-10 12:23 am (UTC)I'm linking a few people to this, if you don't mind.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-11 05:13 am (UTC)My first thought was "Aw, hayl naw!" I'm not sure if it was Tucker's voice or Will Smith's.