Roswell unwatch - Pilot
Jun. 1st, 2010 03:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficA friend of mine likes/hates this show, so I'm watching it to make fun of it. It's how I show affection.
So Roswell is the story of three aliens living undercover in the eponymous town, since no one would ever look for proof of alien life there. It's a virtual who's who of "before they weren't famous." Just from watching this show, you could tell Colin Hanks was not going to be a big star.
There's Isabella, the bitchy alien played by Katherine Heigl, who took the role as research for real life. Max, who has seen the wonders of the universe and is now so bored with our Earth culture that he can't be bothered to show a hint of interest. Or perhaps that's just his acting. Will Liz pick this alien bad boy over her safe, dependable boyfriend? Hint: It's a show on the fucking WB. There's also Michael, who's here to steal our advanced "not looking like a douche" technology.
So our story begins in a diner, since 90% of businesses are diners in Hollywood small towns.Bella Swan Liz Porter is shot, since 25% of the patrons of a diner in Hollywood small towns are required to carry firearms for the inevitable robbery attempt. Max cures her, but vagazzles her toned stomach, so that's a thing. Speaking of vaginas, Liz Vagoogles Max for the next 45 minutes while stringing along safe, dependable boyfriend, who probably doesn't deserve that despite the fact that he either has earrings or really shiny earlobes. Fuck you, 90s.
For a while it looks like our heroes will have to leave town because the Sheriff thinks they're aliens, but then they pull an elaborate trick, which convinces the Sheriff… of absolutely nothing. But they stay anyway. Also, Liz and Max have fallen in love because they had a mind meld (Roswell aliens can both "make connections" and "manipulate molecules," so they can pretty much do anything the plot demands. Thanks for curing cancer, guys) which consists of Liz realizing that Max thinks he's hot even though she thought that she was too fug to ever attract his attention. Do I even need to go into this?
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?
Anyway, now I know why I rolled my eyes for an entire month back in 1999. So, being in love, Max and Liz say "Hey." "Hey." to each other and then pose moodily while soft rock plays, then almost kiss, but don't. Every show on the WB was required to end this way under penalty of death.
So Roswell is the story of three aliens living undercover in the eponymous town, since no one would ever look for proof of alien life there. It's a virtual who's who of "before they weren't famous." Just from watching this show, you could tell Colin Hanks was not going to be a big star.
There's Isabella, the bitchy alien played by Katherine Heigl, who took the role as research for real life. Max, who has seen the wonders of the universe and is now so bored with our Earth culture that he can't be bothered to show a hint of interest. Or perhaps that's just his acting. Will Liz pick this alien bad boy over her safe, dependable boyfriend? Hint: It's a show on the fucking WB. There's also Michael, who's here to steal our advanced "not looking like a douche" technology.
So our story begins in a diner, since 90% of businesses are diners in Hollywood small towns.
For a while it looks like our heroes will have to leave town because the Sheriff thinks they're aliens, but then they pull an elaborate trick, which convinces the Sheriff… of absolutely nothing. But they stay anyway. Also, Liz and Max have fallen in love because they had a mind meld (Roswell aliens can both "make connections" and "manipulate molecules," so they can pretty much do anything the plot demands. Thanks for curing cancer, guys) which consists of Liz realizing that Max thinks he's hot even though she thought that she was too fug to ever attract his attention. Do I even need to go into this?
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?
Anyway, now I know why I rolled my eyes for an entire month back in 1999. So, being in love, Max and Liz say "Hey." "Hey." to each other and then pose moodily while soft rock plays, then almost kiss, but don't. Every show on the WB was required to end this way under penalty of death.
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no subject
Date: 2010-06-02 06:40 am (UTC)...and season two will prove you right. LITERALLY. *dies* Oh, I miss this amount of crack, and I miss when I could LIKE this much
crapcrack.no subject
Date: 2010-06-02 06:47 am (UTC)Well, at least there won't be time travel or something stupid like that.
Oh, I miss this amount of crack, and I miss when I could LIKE this much crap crack.
If only you had been born a few years later, you could enjoy LotS with the preteen vigor it deserves! We could have friendly ship wars about Richard/Kahlan versus Richard/Cara (which we both know you'd end up shipping)!
no subject
Date: 2010-06-02 06:59 am (UTC)You keep telling yourself that. ;)
We could have friendly ship wars about Richard/Kahlan versus Richard/Cara (which we both know you'd end up shipping)!
You know, I thought I would ship Cara/Richard just given my scorn for the canon ships? But I'm not. That may change once I start fangirling Cara.
Also, FYI, there is no such thing as a friendly ship war!
no subject
Date: 2010-06-02 07:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-02 07:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-02 07:18 am (UTC)