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seriousficThere are certain debates that will rage forever in the hearts of men. Freedom versus security, for instance. And there are certain debates that will rage forever in comic book shops. Could Batman beat Superman? Is Wolverine cooler than Spider-Man? Is Colossus really a fag?
But no debate is so heated as which superhero has the funniest orgasm face. But now, that debate has come to a close. Presented, for the first time anywhere, the definitive list of the funniest orgasm faces in comics!
10. Tigra
Have you ever heard the noises cats make when they’re in heat? Imagine the facial expression that goes with them. Yeah.
9. Venom
Alright, any right-thinking woman (or Spider-Man, knowing Eddie’s mind) would insist that he take the “mask” off before he started priming his webshooters. But we know from Spider-Man 3 that the symbiote gives you big pointy nasty teeth, emo hair, and crazy eyes. And that’s when you’re not having an orgasm. It just takes one moment of the symbiote riding high on your endomorphins to turn eating carpet into eating brains.
8. Jean Grey
Jean Grey has precisely the opposite “problem” (if you can call it that) as Big Barda. This is a chick who’s usually pretty open, pretty intimate, and so forth. And she still has this huge manic-depressive side of “let’s fix the world and blow up some broccoli-planets!” lurking behind her sensible shoes. Imagine a scale. During normal life, Jean is about in the middle. At Phoenix-level, she’s at the top. Sex is when she climbs the scale. Even if we say that Jean isn’t a screamer (and Emma’s probably made that canon somewhere), she still beams embarrassingly CAPS-LOCK messages into Scott’s brain like “FUCK ME! FUCK ME! OH, YOU’RE NOT WEARING A RUBY QUARTZ CONDOM, PULL OUT IN TIME TO SPILL YOUR PENIS BLAST ALL OVER MY BELLY! NO, NOW! SCOTT, I CAN SEE YOUR DOPAMINE LEVELS, YOU’RE GOING TO ERUPT LIKE KRAKOA IN THE NEXT FIVE SECONDS!”
Ever consider the face you’d make, in the middle of sweaty sex with strands of red hair clinging to your face, while you concentrated hard enough to quietly send telepathic messages of love (and whatever telekinetic sex games you might be playing) into your lover’s brain? After years of that, Scott must’ve found Emma’s practiced-disinterest-then-“OHGODYES!” a welcome reprieve.
7. Starfire
Similar to Jean Grey (man, what is it with redheads in comic books? *looks at redheads* Never mind), Starfire is at 100% physical expression all the time. You could probably make a comic out of her knocking things over with her wild gesticulations. If she couldn’t fly, she’d do more pratfalls than Jerry Lewis! Alright, that’s going overboard, but life with Kory is a soap opera. And that would make sex a cartoon.
The same way she’d go into battle shouting death threats at her enemy and brandishing something pointy, you’d have about three seconds to wonder “Why is she wearing lingerie and what’s she doing with that cool whip?” before you’re on your back on the bed, having the most physically and emotionally draining sex of your life. And if there’s one thing sci-fi has taught us, it’s that all alien cultures have weird rituals when it comes to sex, marriage, and fights to the death. So you’re being ridden like a Harley-Davidson with a bad motor, she’s quizzing you on your anniversary and what you’re getting her for her birthday, as well as telling you she loves you each time she pinches your nipples (tradition!)… after all that, her O-face would probably be somewhat anti-climactic (sorry), but it still makes the list just for context. And hey, those pure green eyes gotta count for something.
6. Norman Osborn
Comicverse:
Movieverse:
Nuff said.
5. Wally West
Yes, I know, haha, premature ejaculation, you’re sooo funny. But when you think about it, the Speed Force would give Wally the stamina to recover from orgasm incredibly quickly, making him multi-orgasmic. It’d be five seconds of thrusting, *climax*, five seconds of thrusting, *climax*, five seconds of thrusting... No wonder Linda got knocked up with twins. So while the others on this list might look goofy for a few seconds, Wally looks that way throughout sex.
I know what you’re thinking, the possibility exists for Bart to have a still more doofy O-face, but as Bart has just worked his way up to kissing and probably isn’t even mature enough to French kiss yet, we’re just going to have to give him and Carol their privacy until…
Wait, who’s Valerie?
Who’s dead?
Oh, come off it, you’re bullshitting me.
4. Tim Drake
Bruce Wayne probably has the orgasm face down pat. He’s probably got a scale from “this is pretty good, but I’ve had better” half-grin to “You did NOT just stick a finger up my ass” frown. It's probably numbered. But as Mini-Me to Bruce, Tim doesn’t quite have that down yet.
Pseudo-virginity aside, Tim would try to maintain the standard Batfamily scowl into sex, in which one of two things happen. Either it works, and is hilariously inappropriate to the circumstances, or the strain of keeping it up (no pun intended) leads to him becoming flustered and making such goofy faces that Steph can’t stop laughing the next time he quirks his lip. In order to keep from reminding her of his endearingly dorky O-face, Tim works double-time on not changing his expression, and the cycle repeats itself.
3. Dr. Doom
Victor is the kind of guy who riveted a mask to his face because of a tiny scar. Now, imagine what he would go through to hide an O-face. It’d have to be pretty bad. And best not to ask why he screams “RICHAAAAAAARDS!” at the moment of climax. Just… best not to.
2. Big Barda
In canon, Big Barda scowls most of the time. Sure, when it’s time-off with her husband she’s probably a tad smiley, but when it’s game-time, it’s game-face-time. So it’s only natural that when it’s time for her to have fun with that other Mega-Rod, her Apokoliptian conditioning shorts out and all the adrenaline, emotional highs, and blubbering-ly clingy love comes out in a torrid bout of all-night hot monkey sex. Probably with Kirby-dot ejaculate.
And while Scott Free might take it in stride, most people would probably be a little put-off by her yelling endearments full of Kirby-tech.
1. Cassandra Cain
When she was first introduced, Cass couldn't talk. She used sign language and interpretive dance to communicate. Now, since that debut, she’s learned to talk, but she probably falls back on her “native tongue” in times of excitement. And the best part is, even if she’s wearing that creepy gimp mask, you can still see her expression through it.
So you’re bumping uglies, probably having some great fun (as she can read what you like through body language and accommodate), when all of a sudden she starts Stepping Up 2 Tha Streets. You have no idea what’s going on until you look her in the face (you can see her face, right? Oh, you filthy degenerate!) and realize you’ve fucked Daddy Cain’s little girl back to a pre-verbal stage. Oh, yeah, sure, you may feel like a big man now, but wait until you meet your new mother-in-law.
Luckily for the male population of Gotham City (or maybe just Steph)…
But no debate is so heated as which superhero has the funniest orgasm face. But now, that debate has come to a close. Presented, for the first time anywhere, the definitive list of the funniest orgasm faces in comics!
10. Tigra
Have you ever heard the noises cats make when they’re in heat? Imagine the facial expression that goes with them. Yeah.
9. Venom
Alright, any right-thinking woman (or Spider-Man, knowing Eddie’s mind) would insist that he take the “mask” off before he started priming his webshooters. But we know from Spider-Man 3 that the symbiote gives you big pointy nasty teeth, emo hair, and crazy eyes. And that’s when you’re not having an orgasm. It just takes one moment of the symbiote riding high on your endomorphins to turn eating carpet into eating brains.
8. Jean Grey
Jean Grey has precisely the opposite “problem” (if you can call it that) as Big Barda. This is a chick who’s usually pretty open, pretty intimate, and so forth. And she still has this huge manic-depressive side of “let’s fix the world and blow up some broccoli-planets!” lurking behind her sensible shoes. Imagine a scale. During normal life, Jean is about in the middle. At Phoenix-level, she’s at the top. Sex is when she climbs the scale. Even if we say that Jean isn’t a screamer (and Emma’s probably made that canon somewhere), she still beams embarrassingly CAPS-LOCK messages into Scott’s brain like “FUCK ME! FUCK ME! OH, YOU’RE NOT WEARING A RUBY QUARTZ CONDOM, PULL OUT IN TIME TO SPILL YOUR PENIS BLAST ALL OVER MY BELLY! NO, NOW! SCOTT, I CAN SEE YOUR DOPAMINE LEVELS, YOU’RE GOING TO ERUPT LIKE KRAKOA IN THE NEXT FIVE SECONDS!”
Ever consider the face you’d make, in the middle of sweaty sex with strands of red hair clinging to your face, while you concentrated hard enough to quietly send telepathic messages of love (and whatever telekinetic sex games you might be playing) into your lover’s brain? After years of that, Scott must’ve found Emma’s practiced-disinterest-then-“OHGODYES!” a welcome reprieve.
7. Starfire
Similar to Jean Grey (man, what is it with redheads in comic books? *looks at redheads* Never mind), Starfire is at 100% physical expression all the time. You could probably make a comic out of her knocking things over with her wild gesticulations. If she couldn’t fly, she’d do more pratfalls than Jerry Lewis! Alright, that’s going overboard, but life with Kory is a soap opera. And that would make sex a cartoon.
The same way she’d go into battle shouting death threats at her enemy and brandishing something pointy, you’d have about three seconds to wonder “Why is she wearing lingerie and what’s she doing with that cool whip?” before you’re on your back on the bed, having the most physically and emotionally draining sex of your life. And if there’s one thing sci-fi has taught us, it’s that all alien cultures have weird rituals when it comes to sex, marriage, and fights to the death. So you’re being ridden like a Harley-Davidson with a bad motor, she’s quizzing you on your anniversary and what you’re getting her for her birthday, as well as telling you she loves you each time she pinches your nipples (tradition!)… after all that, her O-face would probably be somewhat anti-climactic (sorry), but it still makes the list just for context. And hey, those pure green eyes gotta count for something.
6. Norman Osborn
Comicverse:
Movieverse:
Nuff said.
5. Wally West
Yes, I know, haha, premature ejaculation, you’re sooo funny. But when you think about it, the Speed Force would give Wally the stamina to recover from orgasm incredibly quickly, making him multi-orgasmic. It’d be five seconds of thrusting, *climax*, five seconds of thrusting, *climax*, five seconds of thrusting... No wonder Linda got knocked up with twins. So while the others on this list might look goofy for a few seconds, Wally looks that way throughout sex.
I know what you’re thinking, the possibility exists for Bart to have a still more doofy O-face, but as Bart has just worked his way up to kissing and probably isn’t even mature enough to French kiss yet, we’re just going to have to give him and Carol their privacy until…
Wait, who’s Valerie?
Who’s dead?
Oh, come off it, you’re bullshitting me.
4. Tim Drake
Bruce Wayne probably has the orgasm face down pat. He’s probably got a scale from “this is pretty good, but I’ve had better” half-grin to “You did NOT just stick a finger up my ass” frown. It's probably numbered. But as Mini-Me to Bruce, Tim doesn’t quite have that down yet.
Pseudo-virginity aside, Tim would try to maintain the standard Batfamily scowl into sex, in which one of two things happen. Either it works, and is hilariously inappropriate to the circumstances, or the strain of keeping it up (no pun intended) leads to him becoming flustered and making such goofy faces that Steph can’t stop laughing the next time he quirks his lip. In order to keep from reminding her of his endearingly dorky O-face, Tim works double-time on not changing his expression, and the cycle repeats itself.
3. Dr. Doom
Victor is the kind of guy who riveted a mask to his face because of a tiny scar. Now, imagine what he would go through to hide an O-face. It’d have to be pretty bad. And best not to ask why he screams “RICHAAAAAAARDS!” at the moment of climax. Just… best not to.
2. Big Barda
In canon, Big Barda scowls most of the time. Sure, when it’s time-off with her husband she’s probably a tad smiley, but when it’s game-time, it’s game-face-time. So it’s only natural that when it’s time for her to have fun with that other Mega-Rod, her Apokoliptian conditioning shorts out and all the adrenaline, emotional highs, and blubbering-ly clingy love comes out in a torrid bout of all-night hot monkey sex. Probably with Kirby-dot ejaculate.
And while Scott Free might take it in stride, most people would probably be a little put-off by her yelling endearments full of Kirby-tech.
1. Cassandra Cain
When she was first introduced, Cass couldn't talk. She used sign language and interpretive dance to communicate. Now, since that debut, she’s learned to talk, but she probably falls back on her “native tongue” in times of excitement. And the best part is, even if she’s wearing that creepy gimp mask, you can still see her expression through it.
So you’re bumping uglies, probably having some great fun (as she can read what you like through body language and accommodate), when all of a sudden she starts Stepping Up 2 Tha Streets. You have no idea what’s going on until you look her in the face (you can see her face, right? Oh, you filthy degenerate!) and realize you’ve fucked Daddy Cain’s little girl back to a pre-verbal stage. Oh, yeah, sure, you may feel like a big man now, but wait until you meet your new mother-in-law.
Luckily for the male population of Gotham City (or maybe just Steph)…
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no subject
Date: 2008-04-01 09:44 pm (UTC)Meh. If the yowling, screeching voice is all that's throwing you off, all you'd need to do to imagine Tigra's O-face would be to imagine Fran "The Nanny" Drescher in the same situation.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-01 09:49 pm (UTC)The worst part of having sex with Tigra would be after, when you logged on to the internet to mock furries and suddenly realized... you were one.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-01 09:58 pm (UTC)"AAAOOOWWW!!! WHAAAT ARE YOU DOING??? NOT IN MY AAAAAASS!!!"
no subject
Date: 2008-04-02 03:22 pm (UTC)I'd hit it.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-03 01:54 am (UTC)And I just realized I have no idea what gender you are.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-03 06:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-03 06:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-02 12:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-02 12:54 am (UTC)I think Chuck Dixon beat me to that second one.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-02 08:56 am (UTC)And I offer for your consideration both Mr. Fantastic and the Plastic Man. And possibly Beast Boy.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-02 03:23 pm (UTC)Oh. Oh, friend, you don't wanna go there. Because Rule 34 has gotten there ahead of you.