It's all gonna be okay
Apr. 27th, 2010 01:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficSo, like many of you, I was devastated by the cancellation of Legend of the Seeker. Really, LotS and Dollhouse get the same number of episodes? LotS had, like, 200% less rape. But then, after an ill-advised attempt to overdose on baby animals…
Season three or the puppy-pillow-squirrel gets it!
I decided to look on the bright side. There's always a bright side, right? Every cloud has a silver lining (except the cloud of smoke rising from your home after Columbian drug dealers chop up your family with machetes and then set fire to your DVD collection and then the fire spreads to your comic books and those pants that make your ass look good and then everything burns, EVERYTHING ALWAYS BURNS).
*five minutes of continuous sobbing later*
So aside from drug-deal-machete clouds, SILVER LINING!
1. Craig Horner can finally shave off that hipster stubble.
Not pictured: Skinny jeans.
Season two brought us many amazing sartorial choices, like Cara's new catsuit, Kahlan's new dress, and, umm… this. I know it's supposed to look like he's manning up and Growing The Beard (it's a real TV Trope, just take my word for it), but instead it looks like he really has spent months in the forest, traveling hard roads and killing people every step of the way. Thus clearly breaking the rule that every fantasy character gets time off from their quests for make-up application and manscaping. What WOULD Tolkien say?
2. Bridget Regan free to play Wonder Woman
Pictured: Fandom's second choice. Save us, Bridget!
Yes, she'd be perfect. We all know it. Plus, Craig and Tab could cameo as Steve Trevor and Artemis! (Shut up, I'm using my imagination!) And don't worry, they would stretch their acting muscles because the dynamic is completely different from Kahlan and Cara. While some may point to how Wonder Woman is all about peace and justice, and Artemis is all about amoral brutality and not having a Twitter account, and they have this "sisters with benefits" vibe, I should point out that Artemis has red hair. Ridiculously long red hair. In a ponytail.
So, yes, it'd be Legend of the Seeker with Batman. But it would also be Legend of the Seeker with Batman.
3. In fact, now we get to play "hey, it's that guy/chick from Legend of the Seeker!" for the rest of our lives or until 2012
Picture this: Our heroes join the cast of Spartacus as sexy evil Romans. Clearly, someone needs to fill the void left by naked Xena. Of course, it's Spartacus, so someone needs to go full frontal, but I'm sure we could flip a coin or…
AH! AHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
And honestly, a lot of shows need Tabrett Bethell pointing out how silly the plots are. She could be in Flashforward as a sarcastic FBI agent! Or in Caprica as a sarcastic Cylon. Or in Castle as a sarcastic copy-editor. Or in True Blood as a sarcastic vampire. Or hey, they don't have a Yeoman Rand for the next Star Trek movie, do they?
Chris Pine: Hey, Rand, why don't you yeoman me up some coffee?
Tabrett Bethell: How about you call the transporter room and have them teleport it straight up your ass, if Spock isn't there already.
Kahn: THIS IS CETI ALPHA 5!
Man, this shit writes itself.
4. Better to go off on a high point then fall off a cliff. Or something.
Assuming we don't get some insane cliffhanger…
"Richard, I'm with child! And Cara's the father!"
And assuming it's anything like the books, this is a pretty good place to leave off. The Keeper is defeated, Richard is king, and everyone's one big happy family. After that we meet Emperor Jagang, and he takes like a million books to beat.
And really, how much funnier can they get than Princess? How more in love can Richard and Kahlan get? How many more faces can Cara make? Who knows, maybe season three would look like this…
Richard: I must avenge Kahlan's death! With brooding!
Cara: Have I mentioned I am heterosexual today? Tee-hee! Look at my long feminine hair? ! I love babies!
Zedd: This magic… isn't very powerful at all!
*shudder*
There are lots of series that stretch out their central dramatic question long past when they're viable. And Legend of the Seeker only has two big dramatic questions: "Will Richard and Kahlan get together?" (yes, and deal with their difficulties in a mature fashion) and "Will Cara and Kahlan spoon?" (does dying while holding hands count? It should). Why not end things before they get too crazy trying to spice things up?
5. At least we won't have to suffer through a "budget-conscious" third season.
"Watch out, Kahlan, a monster!"
6. No, seriously, it could really start to suck.
Obviously, every show has weak episodes once in a while. But, well… picture Legend of the Seeker as The Princess Bride. No, stop thinking about the Dread Pirate Cara, you'll just work yourself up. Now, the Xena people are telling us the story without all the kissy bits. Only here, replace kissy bits with batshit libertarianism, rape, and evil chickens.
So now imagine a sequel to The Princess Bride where Corey Feldman asks for his grandpa to skip to the good bits, and Peter Falk can only stare at this horrid eldritch abomination in his hands and say "There are no good bits!"
Make that very few good bits.
Okay, so Richard becomes king, he and Kahlan get married… aaaaaand this new guy Emperor Jagang attacks from the East. Remember all that uncomfortable racial subtext in Lord of the Rings about the Men of the West fighting subhuman haters from the East? Now, imagine someone did that on purpose. Jagang's forces, the Imperial Order, is basically the Soviet Empire meets Al Qaeda. Yes, it's a soulless atheist bureaucracy staffed by religious extremists. I guess there was a two-for-one sale at Evil Overlords R Us or something.
So Jagang invades the Midlands, slaughtering civilians and burning villages whole. And Richard fights back by… slaughtering JAGANG'S civilians and burning JAGANG'S villages. Pretty much the only difference between the two of them is that Richard has a hot wife and that he doesn't rape people. Because Jagang rapes the shit out of everything. The Imperial Order's national motto is probably "No means yes." He rapes his enemies, he rapes his allies, hell, if you put him on trial for war crimes, he would probably point at a map of the Midlands and say "Look at how that landmass is dressed, she was asking for it!" Then he'd start humping the map while saying that if it told on him, everyone would think it was a map-slut.
Me too, kitty, me too.
Of course, our heroes are paragons of moral virtue, so they only threaten people with rape. Like Kahlan's sister, who gets threatened with gang rape. By Kahlan. Richard sparks a rebellion in the Imperial Order by carving a really good statue (that's literally an entire book, so one season. Even if they made it into just one episode, we do not need 44 minutes of revolutionary stonework). Richard has an evil brother, and he kills him by ripping his spine out. Afterward, his brother still tries to kill him. There is an entire book in which Richard urges people to vote against obvious caricatures of the Clintons. People are tortured to death by the good guys because they're angry.
In short, you know how the series generally makes a point of how the road to hell is paved with good intentions? In the later books, the characters just say 'screw that' and do whatever they feel like to win, and it's okay since they're the good guys.
Admittedly, the showrunners have proven crazy good at turning sow's ears into silk purses, but there's only so much bad crack you can cut away in favor of generic fantasy bullshit, and so it's probablybest *five minutes of continuous sobbing* okay to end the story on a high note.
Season three or the puppy-pillow-squirrel gets it!
I decided to look on the bright side. There's always a bright side, right? Every cloud has a silver lining (except the cloud of smoke rising from your home after Columbian drug dealers chop up your family with machetes and then set fire to your DVD collection and then the fire spreads to your comic books and those pants that make your ass look good and then everything burns, EVERYTHING ALWAYS BURNS).
*five minutes of continuous sobbing later*
So aside from drug-deal-machete clouds, SILVER LINING!
1. Craig Horner can finally shave off that hipster stubble.
Not pictured: Skinny jeans.
Season two brought us many amazing sartorial choices, like Cara's new catsuit, Kahlan's new dress, and, umm… this. I know it's supposed to look like he's manning up and Growing The Beard (it's a real TV Trope, just take my word for it), but instead it looks like he really has spent months in the forest, traveling hard roads and killing people every step of the way. Thus clearly breaking the rule that every fantasy character gets time off from their quests for make-up application and manscaping. What WOULD Tolkien say?
2. Bridget Regan free to play Wonder Woman
Pictured: Fandom's second choice. Save us, Bridget!
Yes, she'd be perfect. We all know it. Plus, Craig and Tab could cameo as Steve Trevor and Artemis! (Shut up, I'm using my imagination!) And don't worry, they would stretch their acting muscles because the dynamic is completely different from Kahlan and Cara. While some may point to how Wonder Woman is all about peace and justice, and Artemis is all about amoral brutality and not having a Twitter account, and they have this "sisters with benefits" vibe, I should point out that Artemis has red hair. Ridiculously long red hair. In a ponytail.
So, yes, it'd be Legend of the Seeker with Batman. But it would also be Legend of the Seeker with Batman.
3. In fact, now we get to play "hey, it's that guy/chick from Legend of the Seeker!" for the rest of our lives or until 2012
Picture this: Our heroes join the cast of Spartacus as sexy evil Romans. Clearly, someone needs to fill the void left by naked Xena. Of course, it's Spartacus, so someone needs to go full frontal, but I'm sure we could flip a coin or…
AH! AHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
And honestly, a lot of shows need Tabrett Bethell pointing out how silly the plots are. She could be in Flashforward as a sarcastic FBI agent! Or in Caprica as a sarcastic Cylon. Or in Castle as a sarcastic copy-editor. Or in True Blood as a sarcastic vampire. Or hey, they don't have a Yeoman Rand for the next Star Trek movie, do they?
Chris Pine: Hey, Rand, why don't you yeoman me up some coffee?
Tabrett Bethell: How about you call the transporter room and have them teleport it straight up your ass, if Spock isn't there already.
Kahn: THIS IS CETI ALPHA 5!
Man, this shit writes itself.
4. Better to go off on a high point then fall off a cliff. Or something.
Assuming we don't get some insane cliffhanger…
"Richard, I'm with child! And Cara's the father!"
And assuming it's anything like the books, this is a pretty good place to leave off. The Keeper is defeated, Richard is king, and everyone's one big happy family. After that we meet Emperor Jagang, and he takes like a million books to beat.
And really, how much funnier can they get than Princess? How more in love can Richard and Kahlan get? How many more faces can Cara make? Who knows, maybe season three would look like this…
Richard: I must avenge Kahlan's death! With brooding!
Cara: Have I mentioned I am heterosexual today? Tee-hee! Look at my long feminine hair? ! I love babies!
Zedd: This magic… isn't very powerful at all!
*shudder*
There are lots of series that stretch out their central dramatic question long past when they're viable. And Legend of the Seeker only has two big dramatic questions: "Will Richard and Kahlan get together?" (yes, and deal with their difficulties in a mature fashion) and "Will Cara and Kahlan spoon?" (does dying while holding hands count? It should). Why not end things before they get too crazy trying to spice things up?
5. At least we won't have to suffer through a "budget-conscious" third season.
"Watch out, Kahlan, a monster!"
6. No, seriously, it could really start to suck.
Obviously, every show has weak episodes once in a while. But, well… picture Legend of the Seeker as The Princess Bride. No, stop thinking about the Dread Pirate Cara, you'll just work yourself up. Now, the Xena people are telling us the story without all the kissy bits. Only here, replace kissy bits with batshit libertarianism, rape, and evil chickens.
So now imagine a sequel to The Princess Bride where Corey Feldman asks for his grandpa to skip to the good bits, and Peter Falk can only stare at this horrid eldritch abomination in his hands and say "There are no good bits!"
Make that very few good bits.
Okay, so Richard becomes king, he and Kahlan get married… aaaaaand this new guy Emperor Jagang attacks from the East. Remember all that uncomfortable racial subtext in Lord of the Rings about the Men of the West fighting subhuman haters from the East? Now, imagine someone did that on purpose. Jagang's forces, the Imperial Order, is basically the Soviet Empire meets Al Qaeda. Yes, it's a soulless atheist bureaucracy staffed by religious extremists. I guess there was a two-for-one sale at Evil Overlords R Us or something.
So Jagang invades the Midlands, slaughtering civilians and burning villages whole. And Richard fights back by… slaughtering JAGANG'S civilians and burning JAGANG'S villages. Pretty much the only difference between the two of them is that Richard has a hot wife and that he doesn't rape people. Because Jagang rapes the shit out of everything. The Imperial Order's national motto is probably "No means yes." He rapes his enemies, he rapes his allies, hell, if you put him on trial for war crimes, he would probably point at a map of the Midlands and say "Look at how that landmass is dressed, she was asking for it!" Then he'd start humping the map while saying that if it told on him, everyone would think it was a map-slut.
Me too, kitty, me too.
Of course, our heroes are paragons of moral virtue, so they only threaten people with rape. Like Kahlan's sister, who gets threatened with gang rape. By Kahlan. Richard sparks a rebellion in the Imperial Order by carving a really good statue (that's literally an entire book, so one season. Even if they made it into just one episode, we do not need 44 minutes of revolutionary stonework). Richard has an evil brother, and he kills him by ripping his spine out. Afterward, his brother still tries to kill him. There is an entire book in which Richard urges people to vote against obvious caricatures of the Clintons. People are tortured to death by the good guys because they're angry.
In short, you know how the series generally makes a point of how the road to hell is paved with good intentions? In the later books, the characters just say 'screw that' and do whatever they feel like to win, and it's okay since they're the good guys.
Admittedly, the showrunners have proven crazy good at turning sow's ears into silk purses, but there's only so much bad crack you can cut away in favor of generic fantasy bullshit, and so it's probably
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-04-27 06:40 pm (UTC)I agree with all your points. Re: #6, you're right, this is a pretty good place to end it if it has to. Jagang is when the themes start to get even dodgier than they were before. (But I still would've liked to see some bits of Temple of the Winds *sob*)
and LOL at #5! tbh I would still worship the show if they cut the budget to a quarter of what it was, filmed it in a some tiny studio in LA with no SFX, guest stars or different settings. Every episode of the OT3 just chatting and exchanging snark around the campfire would be fine with me...but whatever.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-27 06:47 pm (UTC)I would totally tune in for Bridget's daytime talk show if she had Tabrett as her sidekick and Craig as the announcer.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-27 07:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-28 01:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-27 06:42 pm (UTC)I've done my e-mailing and petitioning, I've done my sobbing and clinging to fellow fangirls, but you know what? Casting sides of Eternity are fabulous and we still have four AWESOME episodes left. We'll end the story on a high note.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-27 06:46 pm (UTC)Seriously, thanks for the laugh, it helped brighten an awful, snowy day. I'll have to come back and read this again when I start missing the show later this year.... ;)
no subject
Date: 2010-04-27 06:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-27 06:55 pm (UTC)ILU & Seeker fandom. Never change! I knew Seekerdom can milk any situation for the highest possible percentage of pure crack and I was not disappointed. *applaudes*
If the fan effort doesn't work out and this is our goodbye to the Seeker, your post will definitely help me cope. I think I'll just need one thing: A Very Seeker musical with this:
Zedd: This magic… isn't very powerful at all!
as a tagline.
Well, this, and a neverending Cara-rolls-eyes-at-the-plot-of-everything meme.
Basically, I'll just need this fandom never to go away *clings*
no subject
Date: 2010-04-27 07:02 pm (UTC)And honestly, a lot of shows need Tabrett Bethell pointing out how silly the plots are. She could be in Flashforward as a sarcastic FBI agent! Or in Caprica as a sarcastic Cylon. Or in Castle as a sarcastic copy-editor. Or in True Blood as a sarcastic vampire. Or hey, they don't have a Yeoman Rand for the next Star Trek movie, do they?
This needs to become a meme: What would Cara think of this plot? / This plot fails the Cara test.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-27 07:27 pm (UTC)so f'ing much. so much.
because you so get it, and you are so right, and i giggled, and i chuckled, and i choked on my coffee and I went awwwww.
*nods* you were so right, on every level.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-27 07:30 pm (UTC)I just started watching the show two and a half weeks ago. I got all caught up this weekend and now it's canceled. I'm disappointed, but also laughing at my timing. Your not the first person I've seen who has said it might be best to stop here. One of my first thoughts upon hearing the cancellation news was that I will never be bitter about the show because it won't have run one or two (I'm looking at you X-Files) seasons too long. Since S1 had a self contained finale, I'm hoping for the same for S2.
I didn't plan on reading the books and after your post - as well as some others - there is no way I'm ever reading them. I'm not sure I've seen the word "rape" used so often when discussing a book series. Geesh. But, I have to ask, can someone please explain the evil chickens to me? I'm dying to know!
no subject
Date: 2010-04-28 02:01 am (UTC)The bird let out a slow chicken cackle. It sounded like a chicken, but in her heart she knew it wasn't.
In that instant, she completely understood the concept of a chicken that was not a chicken. This looked like a chicken, like most of the Mud People's chickens. But this was no chicken.
This was evil manifest.
The beak gave a sharp tug on her skin. There was no mistaking the meaning in that insistent yank. Move the hand, now, it was saying, or you'll be sorry. If she made it angry, there was no telling what it was capable of doing to her.
She sprang to her feet. "Richard! Look out! It's the chicken! It's the chicken!"
no subject
Date: 2010-04-28 03:09 am (UTC)::wipes another tear away::
no subject
Date: 2010-04-28 03:20 am (UTC)Kahlan carefully moved her trembling hand away. The chicken-thing cackled softly with satisfaction.
Lightning flashed again. She didn't need the light, though. It was only inches away. Close enough to feel its breath.
Et cetera, et cetera.
It's sometimes hard to believe I suffered through this kind of thing for the awesome characters.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-27 07:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-27 07:47 pm (UTC)Totally LOLLED at this lovely piece of Awesome:
Chris Pine: Hey, Rand, why don't you yeoman me up some coffee?
Tabrett Bethell: How about you call the transporter room and have them teleport it straight up your ass, if Spock isn't there already.
Kahn: THIS IS CETI ALPHA 5!
Man, this shit writes itself.
*dies*
no subject
Date: 2010-04-27 08:07 pm (UTC)*GOES BACK TO ANGSTING*
no subject
Date: 2010-04-27 09:05 pm (UTC)BUT GOD DAMNIT I JUST WANT KAHLAN AND RICHARD TO (ACTUALLY) DO IT ONCE BEFORE IT'S ALL OVER!!!
I will also accept Kahlan/Cara as the back-up plan. ;D
no subject
Date: 2010-04-27 09:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-27 09:49 pm (UTC)Ahh I'm so not sure about reading the books, on the one hand: more OT3 adventures! On the other: raaape. Although, the way you put it: hilarious raaape.
"Richard, I'm with child! And Cara's the father!"
TBH, if the show ended with that I would pretty much be happy forever.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-28 01:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-28 03:28 pm (UTC)And honestly, a lot of shows need Tabrett Bethell pointing out how silly the plots are.
Most shows could do with someone to point out how long they're taking to finish their quest/kill the big bad/ find the killer, etc. Although, to be honest, I'd watch anything with Tab and/or Bridget in it.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-28 08:10 pm (UTC)Adding you totally!
Adorable kitten!
no subject
Date: 2010-05-13 05:41 am (UTC)Aaaaanywho. I was writing to discover if there's somewhere I can read your merlin OT4 fic, cos I try following the links from merlin_ot4 but can't access them. *big wide pouty eyes of dooooom* Pleeeeease.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-17 01:00 am (UTC)As for Merlin fic, I f-locked it for various reasons. And it's not even a real OT4 fic, just one that features all of the Big 5 in various, equally important combinations.