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seriousficLet's face it, sometimes heroes are boring. Usually in films starring Ben Affleck, but other times too! Thank God for villains, who can feel free to fuck around, kill people, and not have to worry about being appealing to fortysomething cat people in Minnesota, or whatever the demographic is. So, since Hollywood can't shoot a yard of film without giving it an ARG, comic book, video game, tie-in novel, and Saturday morning cartoon, why not give us what we really want? More villainy. So, without further adieu, the thing I promised in the subject line. With spoilers, obviously (oh, the bad guy dies, sorry to ruin the movie for you. Boohoo).
Colonel Quadritch, Avatar -– You’d be hard-pressed to find more than two reasons to watch Avatar: the effects and Stephen Lang’s portrayal of the Ahab with an entire planet as his white whale, Quadritch. It plays out like Sue Sylvester facing off against Finn and a bunch of hippies with magically managed body hair. You’d have to have just gotten your tribal tattoo not to emphasize with the Quad. Best of all, there’s any number of ways you could have him telling us what else would like to eat our eyes for Jujubees. Perhaps he survived (what, you think being impaled with two poisonous spears can stop Colonel Quadritch? What is he, some kind of wuss?) and will go on a hunting trip with Ted Nugent XIV. Perhaps the company transfers him to LV-267 to stop an Alien infestation, and a Predator hunt, and a Terminator assassination, and hell, a Balrog attack, just to even the odds. Or a prequel explaining where he got those scars (hint: not from Batman shooting him in the face with glove fins). Or he could go into the witness protection program, change his name to Nick Fury, and move to the Marvel movieverse. Because come on, Nick Fury is, like, one of the five characters who gets less cool if you turn him into a Samuel L. Jackson expy.
Dr. Facilier, The Princess And The Frog -- Lemme set this up. Keith David plays a con man witch doctor who wants to take out a spoiled, do-nothing rich boy so he can rob an idiotic heiress. Basically, Goliath wants to murder Spencer Pratt and rob Heidi Montag. Explicitly for occult and class warfare reasons. While singing a musical number. The revolution hasn't been this catchy since Les Miserables left Broadway. And just when you think he can’t get any cooler, he straight-up murders the talking animal sidekick. That's like the evil Queen bumping off a few dwarves. Please, Disney. Let Facilier escape the Other Side and continue with the voodoo-flavored mayhem. After the last two Pirates of the Caribbean movies, you owe us.
Hans Landa, Inglorious Bastards -- Let’s face it, in a movie that had twenty minutes of Shoshana talking about dairy creamer to every five seconds of Eli Roth crushing Nazi skull with a baseball bat, Hans Landa stuck out the most. Now, since just about everyone else is dead, the sequel can focus on Hans’ adventures after the war. But with Hitler dead, there aren’t many jobs requiring a Jew Hunter’s expertise… until Hans and his kooky cousin Alex (Seth Rogen) open the world’s first Jew-only collection agency. He even finds a girlfriend, his lovely next-door neighbor, Mary (Natalie Portman). But when he finds out she’s a Jew, is their relationship doomed, or can Hans stop being an inglorious bastard?
Finally, Quentin Tarantino can stop with all those boring badass commandoes killing Nazis and focus on what audiences really want -- conversations about 1940s filmmaking in foreign languages. "Do you know what they call a quarter-pounder with cheese in Vichy France?"
Skynet, Terminator: Salvation -- I know, I know. Skynet was a horrible villain, with a horrible plan, no motivation, and no charisma. So let's just take this series out of the realm of unintentional comedy (ahem, Rise Of The Machines) and fully into the land of intentional comedy with Terminator 5 - People 0. Helena Bonham Carter shows off her comedic chops as Skynet, the computer that’s a few circuits shy of the motherboard. Her elaborate schemes to kill that wily John Connor make for a fun-filled family adventure in this PG sequel. Co-starring Summer Glau as Sky’s precocious daughter and Christian Bale as the tightly-wound resistance leader who started the “John Connor!” catchphrase that swept the nation!
Victoria, New Moon -– Let’s face it, as far as "tolerable things in the Twilight universe" go, it’s hard to top a homicidal firecrotch vampire whose chief motivation is killing Bella. And who can turn into Bryce Dallas Howard between movies. And who apparently dresses as Rachel Morgan for Halloween. Admit it, Eclipse will be much better if it’s about Victoria killing off the entire cast, climaxing in setting Edward’s ridiculous hair on fire. Also, copious nude scenes and GOGA. BECAUSE THEY'RE FUCKING VAMPIRES, GOD. If you're a vampire and you're not killing things and having homoerotic tension up the wazoo, your name had better be Angel, because if it isn't, fuck you!
Colonel Quadritch, Avatar -– You’d be hard-pressed to find more than two reasons to watch Avatar: the effects and Stephen Lang’s portrayal of the Ahab with an entire planet as his white whale, Quadritch. It plays out like Sue Sylvester facing off against Finn and a bunch of hippies with magically managed body hair. You’d have to have just gotten your tribal tattoo not to emphasize with the Quad. Best of all, there’s any number of ways you could have him telling us what else would like to eat our eyes for Jujubees. Perhaps he survived (what, you think being impaled with two poisonous spears can stop Colonel Quadritch? What is he, some kind of wuss?) and will go on a hunting trip with Ted Nugent XIV. Perhaps the company transfers him to LV-267 to stop an Alien infestation, and a Predator hunt, and a Terminator assassination, and hell, a Balrog attack, just to even the odds. Or a prequel explaining where he got those scars (hint: not from Batman shooting him in the face with glove fins). Or he could go into the witness protection program, change his name to Nick Fury, and move to the Marvel movieverse. Because come on, Nick Fury is, like, one of the five characters who gets less cool if you turn him into a Samuel L. Jackson expy.
Dr. Facilier, The Princess And The Frog -- Lemme set this up. Keith David plays a con man witch doctor who wants to take out a spoiled, do-nothing rich boy so he can rob an idiotic heiress. Basically, Goliath wants to murder Spencer Pratt and rob Heidi Montag. Explicitly for occult and class warfare reasons. While singing a musical number. The revolution hasn't been this catchy since Les Miserables left Broadway. And just when you think he can’t get any cooler, he straight-up murders the talking animal sidekick. That's like the evil Queen bumping off a few dwarves. Please, Disney. Let Facilier escape the Other Side and continue with the voodoo-flavored mayhem. After the last two Pirates of the Caribbean movies, you owe us.
Hans Landa, Inglorious Bastards -- Let’s face it, in a movie that had twenty minutes of Shoshana talking about dairy creamer to every five seconds of Eli Roth crushing Nazi skull with a baseball bat, Hans Landa stuck out the most. Now, since just about everyone else is dead, the sequel can focus on Hans’ adventures after the war. But with Hitler dead, there aren’t many jobs requiring a Jew Hunter’s expertise… until Hans and his kooky cousin Alex (Seth Rogen) open the world’s first Jew-only collection agency. He even finds a girlfriend, his lovely next-door neighbor, Mary (Natalie Portman). But when he finds out she’s a Jew, is their relationship doomed, or can Hans stop being an inglorious bastard?
Finally, Quentin Tarantino can stop with all those boring badass commandoes killing Nazis and focus on what audiences really want -- conversations about 1940s filmmaking in foreign languages. "Do you know what they call a quarter-pounder with cheese in Vichy France?"
Skynet, Terminator: Salvation -- I know, I know. Skynet was a horrible villain, with a horrible plan, no motivation, and no charisma. So let's just take this series out of the realm of unintentional comedy (ahem, Rise Of The Machines) and fully into the land of intentional comedy with Terminator 5 - People 0. Helena Bonham Carter shows off her comedic chops as Skynet, the computer that’s a few circuits shy of the motherboard. Her elaborate schemes to kill that wily John Connor make for a fun-filled family adventure in this PG sequel. Co-starring Summer Glau as Sky’s precocious daughter and Christian Bale as the tightly-wound resistance leader who started the “John Connor!” catchphrase that swept the nation!
Victoria, New Moon -– Let’s face it, as far as "tolerable things in the Twilight universe" go, it’s hard to top a homicidal firecrotch vampire whose chief motivation is killing Bella. And who can turn into Bryce Dallas Howard between movies. And who apparently dresses as Rachel Morgan for Halloween. Admit it, Eclipse will be much better if it’s about Victoria killing off the entire cast, climaxing in setting Edward’s ridiculous hair on fire. Also, copious nude scenes and GOGA. BECAUSE THEY'RE FUCKING VAMPIRES, GOD. If you're a vampire and you're not killing things and having homoerotic tension up the wazoo, your name had better be Angel, because if it isn't, fuck you!
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I always root for the bad guy/girl/legion of villains/hordes/rattlesnakes anyway!
Date: 2009-12-29 09:58 pm (UTC)All the same, I read this and went HELL YEAH! Because dear movie studios, cool action flicks do not appeal to middle-aged people. That is what Nicholas Sparks novel adaptations are for. If you want to sell laundry detergent, target the moms. If you want to sell movie tickets, make a good movie for people who would actually want to see the subject matter with the appropriately high rating. The Twilight moms do not count, for they are unbearably creepy. I used to love you, movies, let's get back to that. Tell a good story, put an honest rating on it, and market it to the people who would like that kind of thing. Also, how's about the trailers don't pretend a movie is funny when it is sad, dramatic when it is romantic comedy, or smart when it is dumb?
no subject
Date: 2010-01-02 08:24 pm (UTC)