Smalville 9x04 - Clark spends an episode listening to Lois's thoughts. Nothing interesting is heard.

[seriousfic]

Hey, you know what movie comes out next week? A Saw movie! And guess what this episode opens on? There are a bunch of people duct-taped down and unconscious, with one guy dressed as a dummy wired with explosives. Clark saves all the conveniently unconscious hostages, then goes up to the guy loaded down with explosives and bitch-slaps him before realizing that he’s a hostage too.

The bomb goes off, fortunately not killing anyone, but unfortunately not leaving a scratch on his Matrix trenchcoat. Clark switches into his reporting togs and runs into Lois, who then climbs up on a police car so she can fall into his arms. It isn’t contrived at all, as just walking around that police car would’ve taken an extra, what, five seconds? LOIS LANE MOTHERFUCKER!

Clark hears her think “Hello sailor” because Lois lives in the 1940s.

Later, at the Daily Planet, Clark is going up the elevator when he hears a lame thong joke from Lois’s mind. Yes, it’s not just that being blown up with dynamite has given Clark telepathy, but he’s specifically telepathic for Lois. I’m sure this egregious invasion of privacy will lead to lots of fun hijinx.

Unsurprisingly, Clark goes for several minutes at a time without hearing Lois’s thoughts, and never hears her thinking while she’s talking. Look, I don’t want to be mean, but these jokes are writing themselves!



Clark randomly steals a donut from some guy to give to Lois. Dude, you’re Superman? Can’t you just run down the donut shop, grab a few, and leave a ten-spot on the counter? God, this is why everyone likes Batman better.

I must say, Clark is taking to hearing Lois’s thoughts with impressive casualness. You’d think he’d be a little freaked out or something, but nope, just another day.

I’m a bit surprised they didn’t go with a tampon joke. You know, “I’m feeling really bloated this morning,” that kinda thing. It’d be hokey, yeah, but all you have to do is film Tom Welling looking skeeved and there’s your laugh. Plus, they did a thong joke, so clearly there’s no dignity here.

Is it wrong that I keep thinking that Cary Bates would’ve done such a better job with this premise back in the Silver Age? It would’ve been fun, and I can already tell that this is going to be played for angst and love triangles and blah blah. Even Twilight has done a better telepathy joke than these guys.

So it turns out that Jor-El gave Clark telepathy because of his opening scene FAIL, although Jorry doesn’t explain why at first Clark could only hear Lois. Jor-El, I don’t think Clark being an ass with his superpowers is going to be solved by giving him more superpowers. Pretty soon Clark’s going to be showing up at the Fortress with a bag of dirty laundry and his taxes, all “What, you have something better to do, like not having a body?”

So Clark and Lois go to interview the hostages, one of whom gives them misleading and contradictory answers for attention. Of course, the trained reporters can’t tell that he’s full of shit without telepathy, so Clark does that and then tells him not to waste the police’s time. Give Clark a superpower, he’ll use it to lecture someone. Anybody surprised? You there, first time out of the monastery? No, not surprised? Okay then.

Clark hears Lois’s thoughts and, I kid you not, she’s thinking of watching a Lifetime movie and eating ice cream. And then maybe she’ll talk with Chloe about men’s butts before having the vapors. Oh, she is so a woman and that is so what a woman would think about.

I should note that every time Clark hears Lois’s thoughts, there’s a chime-y sound effect and the screen gets bright, which seriously detracts from the comedy. They can’t just show her with her mouth closed, add an echo-y voiceover, and assume we’ll get that we’re hearing her think, since all the characters have talked about how Clark is hearing people think?

Anyway, Clark uses his ability (given to him specifically so he could save lives) to shred through Lois’s privacy and learn her most closely guarded secrets to get her to go on a date with him. Because, you know, Lois is so timid and soft-spoken that the only way you could find out her tastes would be to literally read her mind. That is entirely in keeping with the character that’s been established over the last few years. Yes. “I’m bored, Smallville, you’re taking me to the monster truck rally.” That’s not something Lois Lane would say, nosirreebob. She’d have to be wooed. Like a delicate flower, even.

Meanwhile, Ollie is getting drunk in one of those ridiculously Mexican bars that is in Mexico because that’s what the stock footage shows. A heavy comes in and asks what Ollie is doing with his wife, Ollie acts like a douche, yadda yadda, Tess comes in dressed as Lara Croft and fires a machine pistol into the ceiling. “Ay yi yi!” someone might be heard to say. She asks him to spend more time with her and also has far more sexual tension with Lois. Is this how Clex fans felt during Lana scenes? No. No one knows my pain.

Speaking of lesbian sexual tension, Lois is wearing a flannel shirt and cowboy boots in the next scene for some reason. Someone’s gonna have a real easy time making that Tess/Lois fanvid…

Oh, and Clark just happens to hear the thoughts of one of the hostages protesting his innocence. In short, thinking everything he would say if Clark just asked him. There’s not even “I can’t tell the police anything, he’d kill me! And by he, I mean the Toyman!” Yes, that’s right, it’s the Toyman. I know you’d never believe that unless you saw the previouslies, which were all about the Toyman and his secret origin. Still, half an hour in and Clark has finally used his superpower to fight crime. TRUTH, JUSTICE, AND THE AMERICAN WAY!

By the way, I don’t know how long Ollie has been on his drinking/self-pity binge, but he still only has an artful stubble. Amazing, that.

CHLOE READS CLARK THE RIOT ACT ON HIS SHIT! It’s awesome. I think I came. Unfortunately, it seems to be more “How dare you stand my cousin up!” than “TELEPATHY, WTF?” but what can you do?

Oh, and the Toyman is apparently angry that Ollie framed him for Lex’s murder. Now that could’ve been interesting, especially if Ollie hadn’t been getting drunk in Mexico this whole episode.

So because of his and Tess’s “sexual tension,” Ollie holds a shareholders’ meeting and, you’ll never going to believe this, but it’s at the same club that all that stuff happened last season. What a coincidence!

Clark shows up and uses his telepathy to find a name on the guest list that he can use… why couldn’t he just superspeed in, that always worked to get past Lex’s crack securi… okay, okay, withdrawn.

Then Lois shows up in a monster truck, because she was at a monster truck rally and I guess her car didn’t work. And I guess she couldn’t get a taxi. And I guess the subway didn’t go there. The point is, monster truck!

But she did manage to get a cocktail dress.

So Lois is Clark’s Plus One, and the security guy doesn’t see anything suspicious about this. So, basically I give teenager a harder time getting in to see an R-rated movie then Ollie’s security. You know, if you ever find yourself in the Smallville universe, start a private security firm. You could clean up.

Speaking of, do you really need telepathy to know Lois likes monster trucks? After all, they're big, loud, have enormous wheels... I'll stop there.

Inside, Jor-El takes away Clark’s telepathy just as the Toyman contacts Ollie. So, basically there was no real reason for the telepathy to be in this story, other than for jokes about Lois wearing thongs and watching Lifetime. Awesome.

As it turns out, Toyman is angry about Ollie framing him for murder. So angry that he’s going to murder him! And that sentence is pretty much Smallville in a nutshell. Couldn’t you at least do something like “I don’t mind being known as a murderer, but Lex’s death had no style and yet you dare attribute it to me?” That would actually be supervillain-y, you know?

So Ollie attempts suicide (which gets Clark's attention and makes everyone feel sorry for him, in a great lesson for kids), Clark saves the day using a lesson he should’ve learned five years ago, Tess recruits Toyman to figure out a way into Metallo’s heart in a plot that will probably go nowhere, and Clark and Lois are cute in a “Jesus Christ, you’re adults, if you like each other just do something about it, it’s not like you’re in a fucking arranged marriage or something” sort of way.

So, how many episodes has this been where Zod has done nothing interesting, or had any personal impact on Clark's life?

Comments

[greyandgold.livejournal.com]

"Clark randomly steals a donut from some guy to give to Lois. Dude, you’re Superman? Can’t you just run down the donut shop, grab a few, and leave a ten-spot on the counter? God, this is why everyone likes Batman better."

So yeah...you need to do this every week please because I miss Omar G. up at TWOP.

"So, basically I give teenager a harder time getting in to see an R-rated movie then Ollie’s security. You know, if you ever find yourself in the Smallville universe, start a private security firm. You could clean up."

Someone really needs to write this. Maybe Tim gets blown to Smallville universe for a bit?


Haven't seen this episode yet and maybe never will but I feel the heat of your snark and loved it.

[scottyquick.livejournal.com]

Clark hears Lois’s thoughts and, I kid you not, she’s thinking of watching a Lifetime movie and eating ice cream. And then maybe she’ll talk with Chloe about men’s butts before having the vapors. Oh, she is so a woman and that is so what a woman would think about.

Have you read You'll All Be Sorry! ?

Is this how Clex fans felt during Lana scenes? No. No one knows my pain.

Your pain is MINUTE compared to ours.