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seriousficSo we start off with Clark waking up, as if from some kind of coma, only to find a text message from Ollie saying “I lost her.” Call it a clumsy attempt at foreshadowing if you wish, but being stranded in a deserted city with only Oliver Queen’s tweets for company? Truly, a dire fate.
Clark leaves the hospital to find that the city is totally deserted except for an enraged zombie. It’s almost as if there were some cataclysm in the recent past, say, twenty-eight days ago.
Clark goes to the Daily Planet, where he finds Lois futzing with the copier. PC load letter? What the fuck does that mean? When she turns around, it’s revealed that Lois is a hideous harpy, who throws herself at Clark.
What, you were expecting a joke there? Come on, I’m not that mean.
Twelve hours earlier (no, not twenty-eight days, I double-checked), there’s some tomfoolery with Clark and Lois. But just in case people get the idea that a Superman show should feature some light-hearted fun, we immediately cut to Clark getting SUPER-SHOUTY with Ollie, who is riding around in a “tricked-out Ducati” and has stubble. You guys, stop me if I sound crazy, but I think he might JUST NOT CARE ANYMORE.
I should mention that the context is that Clark hears about a high-speed pursuit, shows up ahead of the biker, rolls a truck in front of him to get him to stop, then SUPER-SHOUTY for a few minutes until the cop car shows up. That’s good police work, boys.
Then Tess gets attacked by zombies and defends herself with a samurai sword. It’s not as fun as it sounds, since for an evil overlord, she spends a lot of time screaming. C’mon, woman, you’ve had sex with Ollie, how bad can a few flesh-eating ghouls be? I guess, like the biological clock, screaming in horror at monsters is just encoded in women’s DNA.
But really, Tess, have some fun with it. If your own mercenaries are trying to kill you, chop their heads off and say “Sorry I had to give you the AX” or “Let me AX you question” or “Nice cologne. Is it AX?”
But it’s all for naught, since in the next scene (after two of Tess’s guards are killed, and she slices up two zombies with a fucking sword), Clark and Lois are barging around the hospital talking about how Tess had a mental breakdown because she’s talking about zombies. Yeah, zombies, pfft! It was clearly aliens!
Should I mention there are a lot of gags about how Clark is really Superman but Lois doesn’t know, ha ha? One of them is always saying “I have a feeling Superman would side with me” or “You and Superman have nothing in common.” It’s not that funny, guys. I don’t know why all the Silver Age fans want to go back to this. And which Lois sounds more feminist, anyway? A woman who is constantly trying to trick and expose the man she loves, who himself chuckles over how he’s constantly deceiving her, or a woman who knows and supports her husband? Weird.
Oh, and then there’s a scene where Chloe calls up the security footage of, guess what, zombies in Tess’s house. I don’t know if this is before or after they clearly came in through the window and got sliced up by a fucking sword. So what was the point of the whole “Tess is having a mental breakdown” angle for five minutes? Were the writers just that in love with having Lois making psycho jokes?
Dr. Gaeta is given some technobabble that amounts to “You guys all saw 28 Days Later, right? That sequel was bullshit.” Seriously, he just sees a video of some zombies zombing around and starts in on viral rage. House would need three young photogenic doctors and some Vicodin to do that.
Clark super-speeds Dr. Gaeta over to the “Disease Control Agency,” to which Chloe can only let loose an unamused “Really?” Yeah, Dr. Gaeta, you know Chloe has dibs on riding Clark!
Through the magic of plot contrivance, it turns out Tess went over to the Daily Planet to get her zombie holocaust on before being hospitalized for having a chunk bitten out of her. So when Lois shows up there, the zombies have thoughtfully set the lights on flicker and turned on all the green neon they can find. Oh, and they set the computer’s screensaver to “static.” Zombies: Big into interior decorating.
This episode has a lot of scenes where someone walks up to someone else, whose face is conspicuously unseen, and it turns out they’re a zombie. Just letting you know.
Also, the episode seems to act with the standard "get bitten, turn" approach to zombies, yet several times the characters mention that it's an airborne virus, before finally deciding that you have to fall asleep before you can turn into a zombie. Whatever.
Oh, and just so you know, Ollie got out of the entire high-speed pursuit, resisting arrest thing by having sex with the police lady. Then Lisa Ann came in and said that if he wanted to get a good grade, he’d have to do better work with his ruler. Then Ron Jeremy delivered some pizza.
Long story short (Well, it’s sex involving Ollie, so shorter): Ollie has a spy camera in his belt buckle and he suspects Tess. Who, apparently, is surprisingly insensitive about fitting people with cameras without their knowledge.
Since it’s the zombie apocalypse, Lois decides it’s a great time to talk to Clark about their relationship. Which amounts to a rambly speech about how she loves the Red Blue Blur. You know, the Clark/Lois/Superman triangle worked (for a pretty misogynistic level of ‘worked’, mind you), since Lois could see Superman and contrast him to the nerdy-looking Clark. Here, when all she’s done with Superman is had him phone her a few times… well, is there such a thing as a Level 10 Clinger?
Ollie shows up with a shotgun. I guess reaching for the 12-gauge when there’s a zombie apocalypse is just encoded in men’s DNA.
The virus has to make you go to sleep for it to work, so there’s some Invasion of the Body Snatchers “don’t go to sleep!” mixed in too. Ollie notably fails at keeping a woman from falling asleep. Probably not for the first time. She then jumps out of an elevator to get away from Ollie, again, probably not for the first time.
Chloe and Dr. Gaeta make an antidote from Clark’s blood (an un-undeader?) and then both put it in the water supply and seed the clouds with it so the rain cures zombies while Clark is farting around doing nothing. Thanks for all the help, man of tomorrow. I mean, really, isn’t lacing the rainwater with a cure for zombieism something Superman should be doing?
All this ends up in Clark holding Lois still as the rain cures her, like a zombified version of The Notebook, only not nearly as interesting.
After the zombie apocalypse, Ollie is getting drunk out of a silver flask. I guess his wine bottle in a brown paper bag was empty. And folks, by now I’m pretty sure that he JUST DOESN’T CARE ANYMORE.
As we all know, you can’t arouse the wrath of Clark and expect to get off without some SUPER-SHOUTING. So, Clark harangues his friends, take 1,421. This time, Ollie lets fly a single perfect tear of angst before throwing his costume away AND burning it, WITH the liquor he’s drinking out of a silver flask. It’s like he DOESN’T CARE or something.
At the Kent farm, Clark looks at a picture of Lana and smiles. Never has a character been so unrelatable to an audience.
Then he puts it in a scrapbook, because scrapbooking is apparently one of his hobbies. I’d like to say I’m surprised, but…no. Still, glad you aren’t wasting time with them thar human connections, son of Jor-El. I’m sure no one in the entire world is in danger. Why don’t you kick back and see if the game is on?
Unsurprisingly, the virus is the work of that guy who was in more than one scene, who turns out to be a Kryptonian working for Zod. He did it all to draw out Kal-El, which worked, so naturally Zod executes him. So, thus far, Zod has been mutinied against, been outthought by one of his underlings, and then killed said underling for succeeding. I’m trembling in fear.
I mean, come on, in little over a month, underling managed to learn English, infiltrate a completely alien society, become an employee of the Disease Control Agency, and then start an epidemic. He has to have some serious management potential.
Clark leaves the hospital to find that the city is totally deserted except for an enraged zombie. It’s almost as if there were some cataclysm in the recent past, say, twenty-eight days ago.
Clark goes to the Daily Planet, where he finds Lois futzing with the copier. PC load letter? What the fuck does that mean? When she turns around, it’s revealed that Lois is a hideous harpy, who throws herself at Clark.
What, you were expecting a joke there? Come on, I’m not that mean.
Twelve hours earlier (no, not twenty-eight days, I double-checked), there’s some tomfoolery with Clark and Lois. But just in case people get the idea that a Superman show should feature some light-hearted fun, we immediately cut to Clark getting SUPER-SHOUTY with Ollie, who is riding around in a “tricked-out Ducati” and has stubble. You guys, stop me if I sound crazy, but I think he might JUST NOT CARE ANYMORE.
I should mention that the context is that Clark hears about a high-speed pursuit, shows up ahead of the biker, rolls a truck in front of him to get him to stop, then SUPER-SHOUTY for a few minutes until the cop car shows up. That’s good police work, boys.
Then Tess gets attacked by zombies and defends herself with a samurai sword. It’s not as fun as it sounds, since for an evil overlord, she spends a lot of time screaming. C’mon, woman, you’ve had sex with Ollie, how bad can a few flesh-eating ghouls be? I guess, like the biological clock, screaming in horror at monsters is just encoded in women’s DNA.
But really, Tess, have some fun with it. If your own mercenaries are trying to kill you, chop their heads off and say “Sorry I had to give you the AX” or “Let me AX you question” or “Nice cologne. Is it AX?”
But it’s all for naught, since in the next scene (after two of Tess’s guards are killed, and she slices up two zombies with a fucking sword), Clark and Lois are barging around the hospital talking about how Tess had a mental breakdown because she’s talking about zombies. Yeah, zombies, pfft! It was clearly aliens!
Should I mention there are a lot of gags about how Clark is really Superman but Lois doesn’t know, ha ha? One of them is always saying “I have a feeling Superman would side with me” or “You and Superman have nothing in common.” It’s not that funny, guys. I don’t know why all the Silver Age fans want to go back to this. And which Lois sounds more feminist, anyway? A woman who is constantly trying to trick and expose the man she loves, who himself chuckles over how he’s constantly deceiving her, or a woman who knows and supports her husband? Weird.
Oh, and then there’s a scene where Chloe calls up the security footage of, guess what, zombies in Tess’s house. I don’t know if this is before or after they clearly came in through the window and got sliced up by a fucking sword. So what was the point of the whole “Tess is having a mental breakdown” angle for five minutes? Were the writers just that in love with having Lois making psycho jokes?
Dr. Gaeta is given some technobabble that amounts to “You guys all saw 28 Days Later, right? That sequel was bullshit.” Seriously, he just sees a video of some zombies zombing around and starts in on viral rage. House would need three young photogenic doctors and some Vicodin to do that.
Clark super-speeds Dr. Gaeta over to the “Disease Control Agency,” to which Chloe can only let loose an unamused “Really?” Yeah, Dr. Gaeta, you know Chloe has dibs on riding Clark!
Through the magic of plot contrivance, it turns out Tess went over to the Daily Planet to get her zombie holocaust on before being hospitalized for having a chunk bitten out of her. So when Lois shows up there, the zombies have thoughtfully set the lights on flicker and turned on all the green neon they can find. Oh, and they set the computer’s screensaver to “static.” Zombies: Big into interior decorating.
This episode has a lot of scenes where someone walks up to someone else, whose face is conspicuously unseen, and it turns out they’re a zombie. Just letting you know.
Also, the episode seems to act with the standard "get bitten, turn" approach to zombies, yet several times the characters mention that it's an airborne virus, before finally deciding that you have to fall asleep before you can turn into a zombie. Whatever.
Oh, and just so you know, Ollie got out of the entire high-speed pursuit, resisting arrest thing by having sex with the police lady. Then Lisa Ann came in and said that if he wanted to get a good grade, he’d have to do better work with his ruler. Then Ron Jeremy delivered some pizza.
Long story short (Well, it’s sex involving Ollie, so shorter): Ollie has a spy camera in his belt buckle and he suspects Tess. Who, apparently, is surprisingly insensitive about fitting people with cameras without their knowledge.
Since it’s the zombie apocalypse, Lois decides it’s a great time to talk to Clark about their relationship. Which amounts to a rambly speech about how she loves the Red Blue Blur. You know, the Clark/Lois/Superman triangle worked (for a pretty misogynistic level of ‘worked’, mind you), since Lois could see Superman and contrast him to the nerdy-looking Clark. Here, when all she’s done with Superman is had him phone her a few times… well, is there such a thing as a Level 10 Clinger?
Ollie shows up with a shotgun. I guess reaching for the 12-gauge when there’s a zombie apocalypse is just encoded in men’s DNA.
The virus has to make you go to sleep for it to work, so there’s some Invasion of the Body Snatchers “don’t go to sleep!” mixed in too. Ollie notably fails at keeping a woman from falling asleep. Probably not for the first time. She then jumps out of an elevator to get away from Ollie, again, probably not for the first time.
Chloe and Dr. Gaeta make an antidote from Clark’s blood (an un-undeader?) and then both put it in the water supply and seed the clouds with it so the rain cures zombies while Clark is farting around doing nothing. Thanks for all the help, man of tomorrow. I mean, really, isn’t lacing the rainwater with a cure for zombieism something Superman should be doing?
All this ends up in Clark holding Lois still as the rain cures her, like a zombified version of The Notebook, only not nearly as interesting.
After the zombie apocalypse, Ollie is getting drunk out of a silver flask. I guess his wine bottle in a brown paper bag was empty. And folks, by now I’m pretty sure that he JUST DOESN’T CARE ANYMORE.
As we all know, you can’t arouse the wrath of Clark and expect to get off without some SUPER-SHOUTING. So, Clark harangues his friends, take 1,421. This time, Ollie lets fly a single perfect tear of angst before throwing his costume away AND burning it, WITH the liquor he’s drinking out of a silver flask. It’s like he DOESN’T CARE or something.
At the Kent farm, Clark looks at a picture of Lana and smiles. Never has a character been so unrelatable to an audience.
Then he puts it in a scrapbook, because scrapbooking is apparently one of his hobbies. I’d like to say I’m surprised, but…no. Still, glad you aren’t wasting time with them thar human connections, son of Jor-El. I’m sure no one in the entire world is in danger. Why don’t you kick back and see if the game is on?
Unsurprisingly, the virus is the work of that guy who was in more than one scene, who turns out to be a Kryptonian working for Zod. He did it all to draw out Kal-El, which worked, so naturally Zod executes him. So, thus far, Zod has been mutinied against, been outthought by one of his underlings, and then killed said underling for succeeding. I’m trembling in fear.
I mean, come on, in little over a month, underling managed to learn English, infiltrate a completely alien society, become an employee of the Disease Control Agency, and then start an epidemic. He has to have some serious management potential.
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no subject
Date: 2009-10-12 10:00 pm (UTC)At the Kent farm, Clark looks at a picture of Lana and smiles. Never has a character been so unrelatable to an audience.
Because Lana jokes just never get old.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-13 06:08 am (UTC)Probably. If Clark could fly or something. A Kryptonian skill-set still reserved for Kara who's been banished to the isle of 'shush, you're not supposed to remember she exists'.
And yet, I'd still rather watch this than Heroes.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-13 07:52 pm (UTC)Admittedly, I'd be interested if they hadn't picked the season after they killed Kirsten Bell off for the "Claire's latest superpower: Bicuriousness" storyline.
The_Lurker
Date: 2009-10-13 08:19 am (UTC)HAHAHA!!!
You made me pull a Cartman.
( You know...snorting milk out of your nose, even when you are not drinking milk.) LOL