seriousfic

So I gave Temple of Doom a rewatch the other night and man, it's amazing how discussing Willie Scott makes you sound like a ~~racist~~ sexist (ETA: I'm an idiot). But she really IS a shrill, annoying bimbo and her relationship with Indy really IS less compelling than Indy's relationship to Short Round. At the very least, Temple of Doom is a prequel of Raiders, so you have no trouble buying that Indy would leave her for Marion.

I also saw Lara Croft: Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life. It was very silly.

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So Terry, the man Lara sprang out of prison to guide her, is taking her to the bad guys Lara needs to find. She thinks he lied about their whereabouts to get out of prison and is wasting her time, so she PULLS OUT HER GUN AND GETS READY TO KILL HIM IN COLD BLOOD when the bad guys show up. Our heroine, ladies and gentlemen.

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Terry says they’ll use back-roads to infiltrate the bad guy territory, but that’s not X-TREME ENOUGH! for Lara. Upon being told that they’re watching all the roads, she says there’s one they’re not watching. Cut to her motorcycling on THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA. Yes, that’s right, to avoid being seen she rides a motorcycle over the biggest tourist attraction in China. It’s kind of like watching a Chinese movie where Jackie Chan breaks into the White House by jumping off the Washington Monument. Just… WHAT?

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Did I mention the scene where Lara has just left an underwater cave without an oxygen tank, so instead of swimming to the surface she PUNCHES OUT A SHARK AND RIDES IT TO THE SURFACE?

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WHERE A SUBMARINE SURFACES UNDER HER, RESCUING HER. (Despite Lara activating a homing beacon, this takes three days. Bad workmanship, that.)

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The MacGuffin here is Pandora's Box, which contains a bioweapon that the bad guy (Julius Caesar!) wants. Alexander the Great put it back into its original hiding place after some misadventures, but made a map to its location. Not just any map, though. A crystal orb that projects a view of the hiding place when a specific tune is played. Me, personally, I think a MAP (you know, with markings and a key and such) would be more useful than a picture of where you were going, but that's just me.

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After spending the entire movie being kind of sensitive and remorseful, Terry suddenly turns into a psychotic jackass who slaps Lara around so he can get his hands on Pandora's Box, which he will sell for millions. Ignoring, of course, that there's a good chance the bioweapon will destroy the world and that he's already being paid millions to help Lara and that she's a MILLIONAIRE and IN LOVE WITH HIM. Don't go for door number three if you already have the yacht and Gaila, is what I'm saying.

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There's also a long scene where the obligatory commandoes travel through a spooky forest, getting nommed on by monsters. Immediately afterward, someone uses a helicopter to fly right over the forest. Did I mention the commandoes had helicopters?

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Basically, it's only worth watching for Angelina Jolie and the action sequences, since she hits just the right note of butch adorableness (I don't know what else to call it). She's the best special effect they could ask for, especially since the CGI shark is LAAAAAME. In my day, when you wanted sharks in your movie, you fucking drugged them to the gills and shoved them at James Bond, damnit!