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seriousficTitle: For A Good Time Call “Help! Supergirl!”
Fandom: Teen Titans
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,443
Characters/Pairings: A cast of thousands (or at least dozens)
Summary: If Dick had known taking Kara to dinner would get him in so much trouble, he would never have shared his steak with her.
Dinner with the senior Titans had been great! Wally was hilarious, Dick let her drink wine, and Roy had told her she was doing a great job. Then their food arrived. Dick had a steak, Wally had two steaks, and Roy had a steak burger. Kara looked at her own salad and her stomach rumbled. “Here,” Dick said, forking some of his food onto Kara’s plate. “Have some of mine.”
“Oh, I couldn’t, I’m on a diet.”
“No, I insist. Besides, everyone’s always saying you look like you could use a burger.”
The sirloin sat on Kara’s plate, a succulent brown with just a hint of pink at the center. “Well… what harm can it do?”
***
“So how was your date with Nightwing?” Cassie teased as her lariat caught Poison Ivy.
“It was great! We talked for hours about all sorts of things!” Supergirl tucked Harley Quinn under her arm, ignoring the various razor blades and expletives Harley deployed against her. “I did get a little naughty, though.”
“Oh?”
“Well…” Kara didn’t want word getting out that she had cheated on her diet. She tied Harley up beside Ivy and then whispered in Wonder Girl’s ear.
“Ohmigawd! How was it?”
“A little strange at first—I’ve never tasted Earth meat before—but once I sunk my teeth in I couldn’t get enough! All the yummy juices—“
Cassie was almost licking her lips. “Mmm. Me and Robin went out last month and shared one.”
“Kon told me about that!” He had been sitting at a booth in the same restaurant “He said it tasted great with sauce.”
Harley and Ivy traded a look. “Ewww!”
Cassie looked at Kara and shrugged. Maybe they were vegetarians.
***
“Oh yeah?” Harley gave that annoying girl-Scarface a shove, nearly doing her the favor of spilling a tray of prison food. “At least I’m not a slut like Supergirl!”
Ears perked up. In five minutes, the male population of the lunchroom (and an undercover Batwoman) were at her table.
Harley graciously accepted a carton of chocolate milk. “See, while Superslut was framing me for crimes I would never in a million years be capable of, I overheard her talking to Wondy-girl…”
***
“Look, I’m just passing on what I heard,” Kate told Barbara. “It’s not that implausible. He even flirted with me.”
“But you’re a lesbian.”
“And if I wasn’t…”
***
Barbara knew she shouldn’t. She should trust her boyfriend. She shouldn’t eavesdrop on Kara’s comline when Supergirl didn’t even know it could be turned on remotely.
But, honestly, a belly shirt and miniskirt?
***
“So, you and Nightwing did it again?” Cassie asked. She’d heard Nightwing had taken some prospective Titans on a covert mission, with Kara along in case there was trouble. It was like she was his star pupil. “Where?”
Kara was drinking a glass of water, so she just pointed out the window at the Mexican restaurant/Mob front on the street.
“So how was it?”
“Spicy at first, then it was alright once I got used to it. But after…” Kara nodded to the bathroom. “My ass will be sore for weeks!”
***
“I’m still not sure we should’ve done that,” Tim said, glancing around the Clocktower. “I mean, Barb was really looking forward to that movie.”
Dick nonchalantly munched on leftover popcorn. “And if she manages to tear herself away from the Fishnet Stocking Show, I’ll watch it with her. But if she’s busy all the time, she can’t blame me for wanting to see it while it’s still in theaters.”
Dick opened the door to his bedroom. Barbara was waiting, crying with rage. “Bastard!” She slapped him. “You bastard!”
“The movie wasn’t that good,” Tim said.
***
“And then she heard that Supergirl and Nightwing had done something… unspeakable,” Dinah gossiped.
Mia looked at her expectantly.
“Up the butt.”
In the other room, Roy grinned at Connor. “We’re gonna get you a team-up with Supergirl.”
“Okay. Why?”
“No reason. But let’s just say it’ll make a man out of you.”
“I’ve had sex, Roy.”
“Ghosts don’t count! Otherwise Ollie’d be gay!”
***
“Dick’s help is really working out for me!” Kara said, sunning herself on the roof of Titan Tower. “Everybody wants to have team-ups with me!”
“Maybe I should go on one of your ‘dates’.”
“I don’t know if you’d like it. Nightwing’s a messy eater.”
Nearby, Kory looked up from putting sex wax on her surfboard, which was not nearly as fun as she’d been led to believe putting sex wax on her stick would be.
***
“Nightwing, can we talk for a moment?”
“Sure Supes, what’s up?”
“For almost as long as I can remember, I’ve had powers and abilities beyond the ken of mortal man. I can throw boulders into orbit. I can disintegrate titanium with my heatvision. Then I found a girl who shared my gifts. And if you don’t make an honest woman out of her, they’ll never find the body.”
***
“You’re not good enough for her!” Power Boy screamed, lunging at Dick.
Donna caught him by the balls and tossed him back.
“I need to start wearing a cup,” Power Boy squeaked.
“What was that all about?” Dick asked Donna.
“I don’t know. Have you been hanging out with Mary Marvel? She has some pretty weird fans.”
“Not that skank!” Power Boy yelled, so high-pitched that dogs started barking. “You took advantage of Kara in her moment of weakness!”
Dick glanced at Donna, who shrugged. “Kryptonite?”
“You took advantage of the one weak spot in her armor: Her anus!”
“Is he playing a prank on us? I hate it when the Society of Supervillains does that. It’s so post-modern…”
“You sodomized Supergirl!”
Dick blinked. ”Like, metaphorically or… with my penis?”
“You rode her like a plastic airplane outside the supermarket!”
“I did not!”
“You were on her like Heath Ledger on Jake Gyllenhall! You used your penis to give her colon a handshake! You buried your bone doggy-style, and I don’t mean in Mom’s begonias!”
Donna looked at Dick.
“I never did any of that!”
“Oh, I suppose now you’re calling Bizarro a liar,” Power Boy said snidely.
“Yes! He says the opposite of everything! That’s his lame gimmick!”
“And he said you didn’t not put your penis in her vagina. Although Captain Nazi did say that Black Mask said Mallah overhead her saying you got your fizz all over her chest.”
“I opened a soda can that Kid Flash shook up!”
“He said that he said that he said that she said it was warm and sticky.”
“It was warm because of the friction!”
“That’s what he said that he said that he said that she said!”
***
“Hey Dick, want a threesome?” Kory asked.
“For the last time, I did not have sex with Supergirl!”
“You had sex with Supergirl? Pig!” she slapped him.
“This sucks!” Dick said to a snickering Roy, rubbing his cheek. “If I don’t deny I slept with Kara, people thing I did, but if I do deny it, people still think I did!”
Kory hugged Dick. “Poor baby, I forgive you. How could you resist those pert young breasts, those slender thighs, that cute little belly button…”
”I get the idea, Kory.”
“I’d like to see where she’s going with this,” Roy piped up.
“My point is, Supergirl is hot and the best way to stop a rumor is to create a bigger rumor to fight it to the death! That’s why everyone thinks Wonder Woman is a virgin instead of a lesbian.”
“Which one is it?”
“I don’t know, how are we counting tentacles?”
Dick slapped his forehead. “Can you just tell me what rumor will make people think I didn’t sleep with Supergirl?”
“We could tell people you were castrated!” Kory suggested brightly.
“As if Gotham isn’t depressing enough,” Roy said. “For women, I mean!”
“But then I’d be the only one who knew he had a penis,” Kory pouted. “I know! We’ll tell everyone you’re gay!”
“Who’d ever believe that?” Dick wondered, confused.
“You are pretty manly,” Roy said.
“Thanks, babe.”
“It doesn’t have to be plausible,” Kory explained. “You just have to give some hints and the Gay Mafia will claim you, just like Alexander the Great, Oscar Wilde, or Rahm Emanuel.”
“She’s right,” Roy said. “Have you ever seen a Village People music video? They’re surrounded by beautiful women! How is that gay?”
***
“Did you hear?” Cassie asked excitedly, holding her cell phone’s picture screen up to Kara. “Nightwing and Red Arrow kissed!”
“What a silly Earth custom.” Kara snuggled closer to Cassie. “Girls are much more fun to kiss.”
Fandom: Teen Titans
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,443
Characters/Pairings: A cast of thousands (or at least dozens)
Summary: If Dick had known taking Kara to dinner would get him in so much trouble, he would never have shared his steak with her.
Dinner with the senior Titans had been great! Wally was hilarious, Dick let her drink wine, and Roy had told her she was doing a great job. Then their food arrived. Dick had a steak, Wally had two steaks, and Roy had a steak burger. Kara looked at her own salad and her stomach rumbled. “Here,” Dick said, forking some of his food onto Kara’s plate. “Have some of mine.”
“Oh, I couldn’t, I’m on a diet.”
“No, I insist. Besides, everyone’s always saying you look like you could use a burger.”
The sirloin sat on Kara’s plate, a succulent brown with just a hint of pink at the center. “Well… what harm can it do?”
***
“So how was your date with Nightwing?” Cassie teased as her lariat caught Poison Ivy.
“It was great! We talked for hours about all sorts of things!” Supergirl tucked Harley Quinn under her arm, ignoring the various razor blades and expletives Harley deployed against her. “I did get a little naughty, though.”
“Oh?”
“Well…” Kara didn’t want word getting out that she had cheated on her diet. She tied Harley up beside Ivy and then whispered in Wonder Girl’s ear.
“Ohmigawd! How was it?”
“A little strange at first—I’ve never tasted Earth meat before—but once I sunk my teeth in I couldn’t get enough! All the yummy juices—“
Cassie was almost licking her lips. “Mmm. Me and Robin went out last month and shared one.”
“Kon told me about that!” He had been sitting at a booth in the same restaurant “He said it tasted great with sauce.”
Harley and Ivy traded a look. “Ewww!”
Cassie looked at Kara and shrugged. Maybe they were vegetarians.
***
“Oh yeah?” Harley gave that annoying girl-Scarface a shove, nearly doing her the favor of spilling a tray of prison food. “At least I’m not a slut like Supergirl!”
Ears perked up. In five minutes, the male population of the lunchroom (and an undercover Batwoman) were at her table.
Harley graciously accepted a carton of chocolate milk. “See, while Superslut was framing me for crimes I would never in a million years be capable of, I overheard her talking to Wondy-girl…”
***
“Look, I’m just passing on what I heard,” Kate told Barbara. “It’s not that implausible. He even flirted with me.”
“But you’re a lesbian.”
“And if I wasn’t…”
***
Barbara knew she shouldn’t. She should trust her boyfriend. She shouldn’t eavesdrop on Kara’s comline when Supergirl didn’t even know it could be turned on remotely.
But, honestly, a belly shirt and miniskirt?
***
“So, you and Nightwing did it again?” Cassie asked. She’d heard Nightwing had taken some prospective Titans on a covert mission, with Kara along in case there was trouble. It was like she was his star pupil. “Where?”
Kara was drinking a glass of water, so she just pointed out the window at the Mexican restaurant/Mob front on the street.
“So how was it?”
“Spicy at first, then it was alright once I got used to it. But after…” Kara nodded to the bathroom. “My ass will be sore for weeks!”
***
“I’m still not sure we should’ve done that,” Tim said, glancing around the Clocktower. “I mean, Barb was really looking forward to that movie.”
Dick nonchalantly munched on leftover popcorn. “And if she manages to tear herself away from the Fishnet Stocking Show, I’ll watch it with her. But if she’s busy all the time, she can’t blame me for wanting to see it while it’s still in theaters.”
Dick opened the door to his bedroom. Barbara was waiting, crying with rage. “Bastard!” She slapped him. “You bastard!”
“The movie wasn’t that good,” Tim said.
***
“And then she heard that Supergirl and Nightwing had done something… unspeakable,” Dinah gossiped.
Mia looked at her expectantly.
“Up the butt.”
In the other room, Roy grinned at Connor. “We’re gonna get you a team-up with Supergirl.”
“Okay. Why?”
“No reason. But let’s just say it’ll make a man out of you.”
“I’ve had sex, Roy.”
“Ghosts don’t count! Otherwise Ollie’d be gay!”
***
“Dick’s help is really working out for me!” Kara said, sunning herself on the roof of Titan Tower. “Everybody wants to have team-ups with me!”
“Maybe I should go on one of your ‘dates’.”
“I don’t know if you’d like it. Nightwing’s a messy eater.”
Nearby, Kory looked up from putting sex wax on her surfboard, which was not nearly as fun as she’d been led to believe putting sex wax on her stick would be.
***
“Nightwing, can we talk for a moment?”
“Sure Supes, what’s up?”
“For almost as long as I can remember, I’ve had powers and abilities beyond the ken of mortal man. I can throw boulders into orbit. I can disintegrate titanium with my heatvision. Then I found a girl who shared my gifts. And if you don’t make an honest woman out of her, they’ll never find the body.”
***
“You’re not good enough for her!” Power Boy screamed, lunging at Dick.
Donna caught him by the balls and tossed him back.
“I need to start wearing a cup,” Power Boy squeaked.
“What was that all about?” Dick asked Donna.
“I don’t know. Have you been hanging out with Mary Marvel? She has some pretty weird fans.”
“Not that skank!” Power Boy yelled, so high-pitched that dogs started barking. “You took advantage of Kara in her moment of weakness!”
Dick glanced at Donna, who shrugged. “Kryptonite?”
“You took advantage of the one weak spot in her armor: Her anus!”
“Is he playing a prank on us? I hate it when the Society of Supervillains does that. It’s so post-modern…”
“You sodomized Supergirl!”
Dick blinked. ”Like, metaphorically or… with my penis?”
“You rode her like a plastic airplane outside the supermarket!”
“I did not!”
“You were on her like Heath Ledger on Jake Gyllenhall! You used your penis to give her colon a handshake! You buried your bone doggy-style, and I don’t mean in Mom’s begonias!”
Donna looked at Dick.
“I never did any of that!”
“Oh, I suppose now you’re calling Bizarro a liar,” Power Boy said snidely.
“Yes! He says the opposite of everything! That’s his lame gimmick!”
“And he said you didn’t not put your penis in her vagina. Although Captain Nazi did say that Black Mask said Mallah overhead her saying you got your fizz all over her chest.”
“I opened a soda can that Kid Flash shook up!”
“He said that he said that he said that she said it was warm and sticky.”
“It was warm because of the friction!”
“That’s what he said that he said that he said that she said!”
***
“Hey Dick, want a threesome?” Kory asked.
“For the last time, I did not have sex with Supergirl!”
“You had sex with Supergirl? Pig!” she slapped him.
“This sucks!” Dick said to a snickering Roy, rubbing his cheek. “If I don’t deny I slept with Kara, people thing I did, but if I do deny it, people still think I did!”
Kory hugged Dick. “Poor baby, I forgive you. How could you resist those pert young breasts, those slender thighs, that cute little belly button…”
”I get the idea, Kory.”
“I’d like to see where she’s going with this,” Roy piped up.
“My point is, Supergirl is hot and the best way to stop a rumor is to create a bigger rumor to fight it to the death! That’s why everyone thinks Wonder Woman is a virgin instead of a lesbian.”
“Which one is it?”
“I don’t know, how are we counting tentacles?”
Dick slapped his forehead. “Can you just tell me what rumor will make people think I didn’t sleep with Supergirl?”
“We could tell people you were castrated!” Kory suggested brightly.
“As if Gotham isn’t depressing enough,” Roy said. “For women, I mean!”
“But then I’d be the only one who knew he had a penis,” Kory pouted. “I know! We’ll tell everyone you’re gay!”
“Who’d ever believe that?” Dick wondered, confused.
“You are pretty manly,” Roy said.
“Thanks, babe.”
“It doesn’t have to be plausible,” Kory explained. “You just have to give some hints and the Gay Mafia will claim you, just like Alexander the Great, Oscar Wilde, or Rahm Emanuel.”
“She’s right,” Roy said. “Have you ever seen a Village People music video? They’re surrounded by beautiful women! How is that gay?”
***
“Did you hear?” Cassie asked excitedly, holding her cell phone’s picture screen up to Kara. “Nightwing and Red Arrow kissed!”
“What a silly Earth custom.” Kara snuggled closer to Cassie. “Girls are much more fun to kiss.”
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no subject
Date: 2009-05-26 09:16 pm (UTC)Really funny!
no subject
Date: 2009-05-26 10:05 pm (UTC)...but two typos:
“I don’t know, how are we counting tentacles/”
Roy grinned at Conner. Wrong Connor!
no subject
Date: 2009-05-26 10:52 pm (UTC)************
Oh, man, that's pure gold...
no subject
Date: 2009-05-27 02:18 am (UTC)I think I broke something.
And I still can't stop laughing.
no subject
Date: 2009-05-27 03:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-27 05:48 am (UTC)HAHAHA! I like this Roy. And hey! Undead Power Boy, I do miss thee.
no subject
Date: 2009-05-27 09:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-29 02:49 am (UTC)But, give Kara a few years and maybe she and Dick would be a great couple. Seriously.