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seriousficTitle: Lana Lang – Friend To All Children Everywhere, Lover of Small Animals, And Princess Of One Or More Lost Kingdoms
Fandom: Smallville
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,902
Characters/Pairings: Chloe/Davis, Chloe/Jimmy (although if you're a fan of the pairing, you might wanna... read something that doesn't have Chloe/Davis listed first?), Clark Kent, Jimmy Olsen, Lana Lang
Previous Part: Davis Bloom – Hero To Those Who Wander Through Dark Alleys In The Dead of Night
Summary: A somewhat fanciful retelling of Promise. Davis is a superhero, Clark’s services as a wedding planner are not in high demand, Lois will give brain damage to catch the bouquet, and Lana is always a bride, never a bridesmaid.
Note: This fic has been censored to conform to LJ’s rigorous decency standards. A sex scene irrelevant to the plot has been removed. This fic is now 37% shorter than has been posted elsewhere.
“Chloe, it’s too dangerous.”
“Clark, people do it all the time. Just because you don’t approve—“
“You could die!”
“Oh, honestly.”
“People get sick and die! You don’t have abilities, it’s too much of a risk.”
“I have had sex before, Clark, and it has not killed me!”
“Yet.”
“If you weren’t not in an insane asylum, I’d ask if you were my mother. I am having sex on my honeymoon. Deal with it!”
“Fine. Don’t listen to me. But would you listen to Hivy the Abstinence Clown?”
Davis walked in. “Hey Clark, Chloe.”
“Oh my God, I thought you were a clown preaching abstinence for a second.”
“That’s an…. Easy mistake to make… I guess.”
Clark put a hand on his shoulder. “Davis, you look like someone who’s injured himself having sex—“
“I suppose that’s marginally better than being an abstinence clown.”
“Tell Chloe it’s a bad idea to have sex with Jimmy.”
“Chloe, it’s a bad—“
“Oh, shut it.”
“But what if you catch something? I know when I think of oily discharge and a burning groinal sensation, I think Jimmy.”
“Hey, he dated my cousin!” Clark yelled.
“Wow, first your cousin, than your best friend. Are you sure he isn’t trying to tell you something?”
“Jimmy’s not gay!”
“The women’s underwear is just for comfort,” Chloe reiterated.
“Well, as much as I’d love to stay and guess boxers, briefs, or G-strings, I have to take Chloe away from all this… to the cake-testing, remember?”
Chloe slapped her forehead. “I didn’t. Clark, Davis agreed to give me a second opinion when Jimmy was busy.”
“Trying to find out who’s buried in Grant’s Tomb,” Davis added facetiously. “Could be the scoop of the century.”
Chloe elbowed him, regretted it.
Clark’s eyebrows scrunched up as if sensing danger. “Chloe, are you sure you should be tooling around with another man on the week of your wedding?”
Davis put his hand on his heart. “Clark, let me assure you that my only reason for going is pie.”
They left. It took Clark a minute to stand bolt upright and say “Wait a minute! Is wedding cake pie?”
***
Chloe walked alongside Davis, intoning in a deep voice “’My only reason for going is pie.’ You’re evil. You are a secret, evil villain.”
“What? I was just thinking that after we foil the armies of darkness, we could get some pecan pie from the Pie Hole and discuss the work of Sylvia Platt.”
She pushed him sideways. “If only your adoring public knew that Metro, the idol of millions, was a raging sex fiend.”
“Oh, I don’t think the female fans would mind. Or some of the men.” He glanced at her with that intensity that always made Chloe finger her engagement ring. “Would you?”
“So, have you made any progress on my forgetfulness?”
”Sorry. None of the tests came back positive. It’s weird, it scans like ordinary forgetfulness, but reads like amnesia…” He noticed how dour Chloe had become. “Hey, maybe it’s not all that bad. Think of all the wonderful things you could forget. Disaster Movie. Twilight. The last season of Heroes.”
“Oh, I hate that Elle, she puts my teeth on edge.” She smiled and leaned against him. “Thanks for trying to cheer me up.”
“My pleasure. Anything for that smile.” He kissed the side of her temple. She pushed some distance between them.
“You shouldn’t do that. In a week, I’ll be married.”
“Then in a week, I won’t have the chance to do this.”
She should’ve pushed him away. She should’ve told him to stop. But she didn’t want to.
They kissed.
“You know,” she told him, when they parted, “I can’t even remember my first kiss? I know it wasn’t with Jimmy.”
“Do you love him?”
“I don’t know. I can’t remember. But what if I get my memory back and he’s the love of my life?” She took a step back.
Davis just stood there. “What if you marry him and he’s not?”
***
“No, Lois, for the last time, I’m not having a bachelorette party. Jimmy would worry. No, I don’t care where he went last night. La la la, not listening! It’s the day of my wedding, just get down here. And wear the bridesmaid dress I picked out. Yeah, well, today pink is your color. So what if Clark will be there, why should he care—yeah, great, hang up, it’s a fifteen minute drive and when I have you cornered, I am not above enhanced interrogation techniques.” Chloe hung up. “Why does getting married turn people into such…”
“Secretive liars?”
“Lana!” Chloe hugged her friend as best she could without wrinkling her bridal dress. The effect was more of a chokehold than an embrace. “You look as lovely as you are smart.”
“Thanks! I just shut down one of Lex’s facilities in Death Valley, beating up thirty-two highly-trained guards and hacking the state-of-the-art defense grid, so since I had the weekend free, I decided to pop down here and wish my bestie luck on her special day. Do you plan on riding away on Arabians with pure white coats like Lex and I did on our day of matrimony?”
“No, actually Jimmy managed to borrow his mom’s minivan, so we’ll be using that.”
“Just like you always pictured it!” Lana cried out.
Jimmy poked his head through the door. “Chlo, who picked out the cake, it is dee…lish… who’s your friend?”
“This is Lana Lang.”
Jimmy gasped. “THE Lana Lang? I’d heard of your legendary business acumen, your famed resistance to torture, and your role in translating the Dead Sea Scrolls for real, but I never imagined you’d be so beautiful.”
“Oh, this old thing. I just put it on when I don’t care how I look. Do you like it?”
“It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
Chloe coughed politely. Then not so politely. By the time Davis came in, she was hacking.
“Chloe, you should get that cough looked at. Nice dress, though.”
“Davis!” Chloe gave him her most dress-wrinkling hug. “Thanks for coming. I know how hard this is on you.”
Davis patted the back of her backless dress. “Oh, it’s easier than you might think. Except for next to your thigh…”
“That’s my taser. You know, in case some freak attacks.”
Davis smirked. “Chloe, I hardly think some monstrous abomination is going to crash your wedding.” He glanced at Lana. “Who’s your friend?”
“Oh, that’s…” Chloe winced. “Lana Lang.”
He shook her hand. “Nice to meet you.”
She held onto his hand, smiling expectantly. Davis looked around to see if the others saw anything odd in this, but they were all waiting anxiously.
“I was married to Lex Luthor,” she said brightly.
“Oh, yeah, now I remember.” Davis’s eyes widened in shock. “You tried to kill your husband in a plane crash!”
“Oh, no, no, I’ve never tried to kill Lex… recently. Oh, did you know my parents were killed by a meteor when I was little?”
“No. That’s too bad.”
“It is, it is. But I’ve resigned myself to going through life without ever seeing the adoring faces of… umm… er… hmmm…. ‘Mom and Dad.’”
“I’m not sure, but I have this notion that my parents were alien warlords who expect me to destroy the world.”
Lana let go of his hand.
“So, would anyone mind getting my bags? Nothing too heavy, just some dresses Raphael Dupree designed with me in mind and a Hattori Hanzo sword I plan to use to get revenge on Lex for killing my imaginary baby.”
“I’ll go!” Jimmy said. “You can tell me more about your dead parents; I’ve always been fascinated by the subject.”
“Oh, I talk to my dead parents all the time,” Lana said as she and Jimmy left Davis and Chloe alone. “Sometimes, they whisper things to me! Secret things…”
“So, your friend seems nice,” Davis said after a pause.
***
Clark watched the wedding cake being wheeled in. He was a little disappointed that Chloe had refused his suggestion to have the wedding in his barn, especially when they had so many lovely memories of watching Lana through a telescope. Well, he had memories, both because he’d been the one who remembered Lana changed clothes (and went to the bathroom) like clockwork, and because he’d wiped her memory. Maybe if he gave more people brain damage, the divorce rate would drop!
The doors opened, the wedding march played, and Chloe walked into the church. Clark beamed. She looked lovely in her white dress, although it must’ve been very heavy. She was walking awfully slow.
Gabe was walking her down the aisle. Clark didn’t like that. He’d offered to give her away right after he’d offered to let her be wed in his barn. Before she could consider it, though, she’d remembered no one had tied cans to the back of Jimmy’s mom’s minivan. It was a shame. Chloe’s father obviously didn’t love her enough to erase parts of her life.
Chloe reached the altar and, as the Phil Collins song Jimmy had specifically chosen for the blessed event played, the crowd waited for the groom. And waited.
And waited.
“Don’t look at me,” Davis said, looking around nervously.
“Don’t worry, I’ll handle it. Clark snapped his suspenders. “I’m no Lionel Luthor, but I can make sure a wedding goes off without a hitch. Though, umm, no one here is pregnant, right?”
“I’d better come along,” Davis said.
“You don’t think I can handle a case of cold feet?”
“Well, Clark, it requires a degree of tact, sensitivity, and insight.” He walked off.
“What are you getting at?”
***
“Oh yes!” Lana cried. “Ram your X into my tight X! Get your X all over my dirty X!”
”Really?” Jimmy asked. “Chloe never let me X anywhere near her X! She said it smelled too much like engine oil.”
“I don’t care! I want you to X my X like a mofo and X my X like you’re playing a challenging game of Canasta!”
“Oh my God!” Clark cried, halfway through the door.
Davis peeked over Clark’s shoulder. “Holy X, she’s XXXX like a groundhog hit by a car XXXX blood relation XXX nail polish XXX XXX phone cord XXX probably illegal in this state!”
“Oh God, Chloe.” Davis rubbed at his temple. “How am I going to tell her?”
“Lana, how could you?” Clark demanded, gazing intently at her. “Was it Jimmy? Did he force you to this horrible decision like Lex did?”
Lana gazed at him intently. “I walked down a dark path, but I’ve turned away from it. I can trust him. He has no secrets from me, isn’t that right Jules?”
“Jimmy.”
“Whatever.”
“I kept secrets from you to protect you,” Clark said as he gazed at her intently. “Everything I do is to protect you, when I wear deodorant it’s to protect you. When I put the toilet seat down, it’s to protect you.”
“Can you protect me from having my heart broken?” Lana gazed at Clark intently.
Davis snapped his fingers. “I’ve got it! I’ve thought of a way to call off the wedding without embarrassing Chloe!”
“What is it?” Jimmy asked.
Davis just smiled.
***
“Chloe, you can’t marry Jimmy! He just fell down a flight of stairs. Onto some broken glass. Atop a Rottweiler. With rabies.”
Fandom: Smallville
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,902
Characters/Pairings: Chloe/Davis, Chloe/Jimmy (although if you're a fan of the pairing, you might wanna... read something that doesn't have Chloe/Davis listed first?), Clark Kent, Jimmy Olsen, Lana Lang
Previous Part: Davis Bloom – Hero To Those Who Wander Through Dark Alleys In The Dead of Night
Summary: A somewhat fanciful retelling of Promise. Davis is a superhero, Clark’s services as a wedding planner are not in high demand, Lois will give brain damage to catch the bouquet, and Lana is always a bride, never a bridesmaid.
Note: This fic has been censored to conform to LJ’s rigorous decency standards. A sex scene irrelevant to the plot has been removed. This fic is now 37% shorter than has been posted elsewhere.
“Chloe, it’s too dangerous.”
“Clark, people do it all the time. Just because you don’t approve—“
“You could die!”
“Oh, honestly.”
“People get sick and die! You don’t have abilities, it’s too much of a risk.”
“I have had sex before, Clark, and it has not killed me!”
“Yet.”
“If you weren’t not in an insane asylum, I’d ask if you were my mother. I am having sex on my honeymoon. Deal with it!”
“Fine. Don’t listen to me. But would you listen to Hivy the Abstinence Clown?”
Davis walked in. “Hey Clark, Chloe.”
“Oh my God, I thought you were a clown preaching abstinence for a second.”
“That’s an…. Easy mistake to make… I guess.”
Clark put a hand on his shoulder. “Davis, you look like someone who’s injured himself having sex—“
“I suppose that’s marginally better than being an abstinence clown.”
“Tell Chloe it’s a bad idea to have sex with Jimmy.”
“Chloe, it’s a bad—“
“Oh, shut it.”
“But what if you catch something? I know when I think of oily discharge and a burning groinal sensation, I think Jimmy.”
“Hey, he dated my cousin!” Clark yelled.
“Wow, first your cousin, than your best friend. Are you sure he isn’t trying to tell you something?”
“Jimmy’s not gay!”
“The women’s underwear is just for comfort,” Chloe reiterated.
“Well, as much as I’d love to stay and guess boxers, briefs, or G-strings, I have to take Chloe away from all this… to the cake-testing, remember?”
Chloe slapped her forehead. “I didn’t. Clark, Davis agreed to give me a second opinion when Jimmy was busy.”
“Trying to find out who’s buried in Grant’s Tomb,” Davis added facetiously. “Could be the scoop of the century.”
Chloe elbowed him, regretted it.
Clark’s eyebrows scrunched up as if sensing danger. “Chloe, are you sure you should be tooling around with another man on the week of your wedding?”
Davis put his hand on his heart. “Clark, let me assure you that my only reason for going is pie.”
They left. It took Clark a minute to stand bolt upright and say “Wait a minute! Is wedding cake pie?”
***
Chloe walked alongside Davis, intoning in a deep voice “’My only reason for going is pie.’ You’re evil. You are a secret, evil villain.”
“What? I was just thinking that after we foil the armies of darkness, we could get some pecan pie from the Pie Hole and discuss the work of Sylvia Platt.”
She pushed him sideways. “If only your adoring public knew that Metro, the idol of millions, was a raging sex fiend.”
“Oh, I don’t think the female fans would mind. Or some of the men.” He glanced at her with that intensity that always made Chloe finger her engagement ring. “Would you?”
“So, have you made any progress on my forgetfulness?”
”Sorry. None of the tests came back positive. It’s weird, it scans like ordinary forgetfulness, but reads like amnesia…” He noticed how dour Chloe had become. “Hey, maybe it’s not all that bad. Think of all the wonderful things you could forget. Disaster Movie. Twilight. The last season of Heroes.”
“Oh, I hate that Elle, she puts my teeth on edge.” She smiled and leaned against him. “Thanks for trying to cheer me up.”
“My pleasure. Anything for that smile.” He kissed the side of her temple. She pushed some distance between them.
“You shouldn’t do that. In a week, I’ll be married.”
“Then in a week, I won’t have the chance to do this.”
She should’ve pushed him away. She should’ve told him to stop. But she didn’t want to.
They kissed.
“You know,” she told him, when they parted, “I can’t even remember my first kiss? I know it wasn’t with Jimmy.”
“Do you love him?”
“I don’t know. I can’t remember. But what if I get my memory back and he’s the love of my life?” She took a step back.
Davis just stood there. “What if you marry him and he’s not?”
***
“No, Lois, for the last time, I’m not having a bachelorette party. Jimmy would worry. No, I don’t care where he went last night. La la la, not listening! It’s the day of my wedding, just get down here. And wear the bridesmaid dress I picked out. Yeah, well, today pink is your color. So what if Clark will be there, why should he care—yeah, great, hang up, it’s a fifteen minute drive and when I have you cornered, I am not above enhanced interrogation techniques.” Chloe hung up. “Why does getting married turn people into such…”
“Secretive liars?”
“Lana!” Chloe hugged her friend as best she could without wrinkling her bridal dress. The effect was more of a chokehold than an embrace. “You look as lovely as you are smart.”
“Thanks! I just shut down one of Lex’s facilities in Death Valley, beating up thirty-two highly-trained guards and hacking the state-of-the-art defense grid, so since I had the weekend free, I decided to pop down here and wish my bestie luck on her special day. Do you plan on riding away on Arabians with pure white coats like Lex and I did on our day of matrimony?”
“No, actually Jimmy managed to borrow his mom’s minivan, so we’ll be using that.”
“Just like you always pictured it!” Lana cried out.
Jimmy poked his head through the door. “Chlo, who picked out the cake, it is dee…lish… who’s your friend?”
“This is Lana Lang.”
Jimmy gasped. “THE Lana Lang? I’d heard of your legendary business acumen, your famed resistance to torture, and your role in translating the Dead Sea Scrolls for real, but I never imagined you’d be so beautiful.”
“Oh, this old thing. I just put it on when I don’t care how I look. Do you like it?”
“It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
Chloe coughed politely. Then not so politely. By the time Davis came in, she was hacking.
“Chloe, you should get that cough looked at. Nice dress, though.”
“Davis!” Chloe gave him her most dress-wrinkling hug. “Thanks for coming. I know how hard this is on you.”
Davis patted the back of her backless dress. “Oh, it’s easier than you might think. Except for next to your thigh…”
“That’s my taser. You know, in case some freak attacks.”
Davis smirked. “Chloe, I hardly think some monstrous abomination is going to crash your wedding.” He glanced at Lana. “Who’s your friend?”
“Oh, that’s…” Chloe winced. “Lana Lang.”
He shook her hand. “Nice to meet you.”
She held onto his hand, smiling expectantly. Davis looked around to see if the others saw anything odd in this, but they were all waiting anxiously.
“I was married to Lex Luthor,” she said brightly.
“Oh, yeah, now I remember.” Davis’s eyes widened in shock. “You tried to kill your husband in a plane crash!”
“Oh, no, no, I’ve never tried to kill Lex… recently. Oh, did you know my parents were killed by a meteor when I was little?”
“No. That’s too bad.”
“It is, it is. But I’ve resigned myself to going through life without ever seeing the adoring faces of… umm… er… hmmm…. ‘Mom and Dad.’”
“I’m not sure, but I have this notion that my parents were alien warlords who expect me to destroy the world.”
Lana let go of his hand.
“So, would anyone mind getting my bags? Nothing too heavy, just some dresses Raphael Dupree designed with me in mind and a Hattori Hanzo sword I plan to use to get revenge on Lex for killing my imaginary baby.”
“I’ll go!” Jimmy said. “You can tell me more about your dead parents; I’ve always been fascinated by the subject.”
“Oh, I talk to my dead parents all the time,” Lana said as she and Jimmy left Davis and Chloe alone. “Sometimes, they whisper things to me! Secret things…”
“So, your friend seems nice,” Davis said after a pause.
***
Clark watched the wedding cake being wheeled in. He was a little disappointed that Chloe had refused his suggestion to have the wedding in his barn, especially when they had so many lovely memories of watching Lana through a telescope. Well, he had memories, both because he’d been the one who remembered Lana changed clothes (and went to the bathroom) like clockwork, and because he’d wiped her memory. Maybe if he gave more people brain damage, the divorce rate would drop!
The doors opened, the wedding march played, and Chloe walked into the church. Clark beamed. She looked lovely in her white dress, although it must’ve been very heavy. She was walking awfully slow.
Gabe was walking her down the aisle. Clark didn’t like that. He’d offered to give her away right after he’d offered to let her be wed in his barn. Before she could consider it, though, she’d remembered no one had tied cans to the back of Jimmy’s mom’s minivan. It was a shame. Chloe’s father obviously didn’t love her enough to erase parts of her life.
Chloe reached the altar and, as the Phil Collins song Jimmy had specifically chosen for the blessed event played, the crowd waited for the groom. And waited.
And waited.
“Don’t look at me,” Davis said, looking around nervously.
“Don’t worry, I’ll handle it. Clark snapped his suspenders. “I’m no Lionel Luthor, but I can make sure a wedding goes off without a hitch. Though, umm, no one here is pregnant, right?”
“I’d better come along,” Davis said.
“You don’t think I can handle a case of cold feet?”
“Well, Clark, it requires a degree of tact, sensitivity, and insight.” He walked off.
“What are you getting at?”
***
“Oh yes!” Lana cried. “Ram your X into my tight X! Get your X all over my dirty X!”
”Really?” Jimmy asked. “Chloe never let me X anywhere near her X! She said it smelled too much like engine oil.”
“I don’t care! I want you to X my X like a mofo and X my X like you’re playing a challenging game of Canasta!”
“Oh my God!” Clark cried, halfway through the door.
Davis peeked over Clark’s shoulder. “Holy X, she’s XXXX like a groundhog hit by a car XXXX blood relation XXX nail polish XXX XXX phone cord XXX probably illegal in this state!”
“Oh God, Chloe.” Davis rubbed at his temple. “How am I going to tell her?”
“Lana, how could you?” Clark demanded, gazing intently at her. “Was it Jimmy? Did he force you to this horrible decision like Lex did?”
Lana gazed at him intently. “I walked down a dark path, but I’ve turned away from it. I can trust him. He has no secrets from me, isn’t that right Jules?”
“Jimmy.”
“Whatever.”
“I kept secrets from you to protect you,” Clark said as he gazed at her intently. “Everything I do is to protect you, when I wear deodorant it’s to protect you. When I put the toilet seat down, it’s to protect you.”
“Can you protect me from having my heart broken?” Lana gazed at Clark intently.
Davis snapped his fingers. “I’ve got it! I’ve thought of a way to call off the wedding without embarrassing Chloe!”
“What is it?” Jimmy asked.
Davis just smiled.
***
“Chloe, you can’t marry Jimmy! He just fell down a flight of stairs. Onto some broken glass. Atop a Rottweiler. With rabies.”
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Date: 2009-02-25 05:40 pm (UTC)Especially the ending!