Snow White And The Huntsman In Five Minutes

Kristen Stewart: (actual quote) (but paraphrased) I think it'll be great for little girls to have a feminist role model like Snow White to look up to.

***

Thor: Long ago, in a far-off production design wet dream...

Audience: What--what is that accent? You sounded fine as Thor, now you sound like an Irishman doing a Crocodile Dundee impression.

Thor: Can I finish? So Snow White existed, then the queen died, then the king easily defeated an army made of glass and found that they were holding Charlize Theron prisoner, so he married her the next day.

Audience: And with value judgment like that, he must've been an awesome king.

Thor: Hey, Charlize Theron, what are ya gonna do?

***

King: Seeeeex!

Ravenna: Once, a king raped me or something. That's my backstory.

King: So I guess you really have a sore spot about men taking advantage of women, huh?

Ravenna: Actually, my brother is a rapist serial killer or something. But who needs character consistency when you bathe in milk? Anyway, as if this being my idea of pillow talk hasn't established me as a villain, I'm going to murder-orgasm you.

Kristen Stewart: You know. For kids!

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