![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficKristen Stewart: (actual quote) (but paraphrased) I think it'll be great for little girls to have a feminist role model like Snow White to look up to.
***
Thor: Long ago, in a far-off production design wet dream...
Audience: What--what is that accent? You sounded fine as Thor, now you sound like an Irishman doing a Crocodile Dundee impression.
Thor: Can I finish? So Snow White existed, then the queen died, then the king easily defeated an army made of glass and found that they were holding Charlize Theron prisoner, so he married her the next day.
Audience: And with value judgment like that, he must've been an awesome king.
Thor: Hey, Charlize Theron, what are ya gonna do?
***
King: Seeeeex!
Ravenna: Once, a king raped me or something. That's my backstory.
King: So I guess you really have a sore spot about men taking advantage of women, huh?
Ravenna: Actually, my brother is a rapist serial killer or something. But who needs character consistency when you bathe in milk? Anyway, as if this being my idea of pillow talk hasn't established me as a villain, I'm going to murder-orgasm you.
Kristen Stewart: You know. For kids!
***
Thor: Even though you can clearly see Ravenna open the gate and let her forces in, I'm going to narrate that anyway. Damnit, I worked hard on this accent! At least two minutes!
Audience: She went through all that just to open the door? Why didn't she just turn into ravens and fly inside the gates, like she does later in the movie?
Thor: We're doing some kind of feminist theory thing with her marrying the king. Relax, we'll forget about it in five minutes.
***
Thor: And so, Snow White grew up into the most beautiful, most English, most amazing actress in the land.
Casting director: You've got Kristen Stewart.
Thor: Or the queen put a spell on her that stopped her from completely closing her mouth for the rest of her life.
***
Ravenna: *takes a bath in milk and doesn't even show side-boob, despite implied nudity being in every trailer for this movie for the last six months*
(It's the principal of the thing, damnit!)
Ravenna: Well, I have that rapey backstory, I make reference to having grown up poor and worked my way into being queen, I even spare someone who tried to fucking assassinate me--my character is actually a little complicated. Better give me some evil cliches.
Finn: Like a random incestuous brother with a stupid pageboy haircut?
Ravenna: Yeah, you'll do.
Finn: And when you give free milk to the peasants, you can have it be the milk you bathe in instead of however else they delivered milk in medieval times.
Ravenna: Actually, I tried to give it to them in buckets, they prefer the bath milk.
Finn: Well, yeah, Charlize Theron.
Ravenna: Hey, magic mirror, do I look good? I haven't put on any make-up or anything, I'm just trying out my new camera. *duck-lips*
Magic Mirror: You are the most beautiful, but Kristen Stewart is destined to surpass you.
Ravenna: When, after they invent plastic surgery that turns you into another person? Anyway, I suppose I'd better kill her. A woman's youth and beauty is her power, and none can be more beautiful than me!
Audience: Wow, what an evil and vain character!
Ravenna: Actually, this movie's magic system works on beauty. I'm powerful because I'm really pretty and Snow White literally has superpowers because of how pure and innocent she is.
Audience: So... she's the Madonna and you use sex to get what you want... isn't there a phrase for that?
Kristen Stewart: FEMINISM! For kids!
***
Finn: Snow White, I know that delivering you to the Queen will make her all-powerful and, since I'm kinda-sorta-PG-13 tapping that, this will benefit me as well, but I'd like to take a few minutes to rape you.
Kristen Stewart: You know, for kids! But I've managed to grab a nail to defend myself!
Finn: Why are there nails in this castle? To nail the stone to more stone?
Kristen Stewart: *turns on auto-guide and mini-map so that some birds guide her to safety*
***
Ravenna: You let her GET AWAY? ASTGJABHGLHKAGSLK!!
Finn: Wow, why are you shouting like a loon?
Ravenna: AGLASDGNKDSGLNLJBAGOUB!!!
Finn: So all the lines where you were understated and menacing were in the trailer, huh?
Ravenna: sghjbsdglkkl bring me someone to hunt her down asofnasdglkn!
***
Thor: Hey, me again. Since I got my name in the title, I bet you're wondering what super-original take the writers came up for me?
Tough: Han Solo, you owe money to Jabba the Medieval Hutt! Pay up!
Thor: Don't worry, though, the writers came up with a good reason for me being a drunken scoundrel.
Writer: Your wife died or something.
Thor: Or that.
Finn: Thor, we need you. Despite the fact that you just got your ass kicked for the last five minutes, I'm going to say you're the biggest badass ever and send you after Kristen Stewart.
Thor: Why should I?
Ravenna: I'll bring your wife back from the dead.
Thor: Wow, that's an interesting conflict. Save my wife at the cost of another woman's life, or save a stranger and be alone?
Finn: Actually, it's completely impossible for Ravenna to bring your wife back. You're such a fucking idiot! 'Look at me, I miss my dead wife!' Ha! Cunt. (beat) Why didn't I wait until we were back in the castle, surrounded by guards, and with Snow White dead to say that?
Thor: *kicks Finn and everyone else's ass, then spends like seriously an hour not meeting the Seven Dwarves so he and Snow can wander around in Hot Topic Pandora*
Audience: So now we get down to it, huh? The Evil Queen versus Snow White! Lots of crazy magic and strong female characters and amazing action!
Movie: Okay, yeah, I know I implied that with every trailer being three solid minutes of Charlize Theron vamping and us doing our best to hide the fact that we actually thought Kristen Stewart had starpower, but hey. Try this on for size. What if Charlize Theron just totally disappeared from this movie for an hour and instead we followed around incestuous Prince Valiant?
Audience: Oh, that's not bullshit at all.
***
Thor: Here, Snow White, let's take two minutes for me to mentor you, since that's supposedly the point of this whole reimagining.
Kristen Stewart: Thanks for teaching me exactly one (1) self-defense move. I'm sure that'll come in handy.
Prince Charming: Hey, I'm in this movie, you know? Don't I get any lines in this
Thor: Look, it's my old friends the seven dwarves! Al Swearengen!
Al Swearengen: Cunt shit fuck damn hell.
Thor: Blind Bob Hoskins!
Bob Hoskins: You have eyes, Huntsman, but I see further than you through the power of ho man you all know this bullshit.
Thor: Other... guys...
Killy The Dwarf: I like killing women. No, that's an actual line from the movie. With an actual line later on with me confirming it. Then in the end, I get to be a hero.
Kristen Stewart: FEMINISM!
***
Bob Hoskins: Hey. Kristen Stewart! Ever wonder what a Studio Ghibi movie would look like in live-action?
Kristen Stewart: Maybe a little.
Bob Hoskins: Good, because we're spending fifteen minutes on that. Behold! The White Hart is bowing to her!
Audience: What's the White Hart?
Bob Hoskins: She is the One!
Audience: The one what?
Bob Hoskins: She is life itself!
Audience: Kristen Stewart?
Bob Hoskins: Her mere presence heals injuries!
Audience: Like the chest wound Thor got, or the mortal wound the guy who's about to die in her arms will get?
Bob Hoskins: Guys, I'm trying to work here, okay? It's this or Hook 2: The Rufio Years.
Finn: Bwaha! Surprise attack!
Thor: Crap! He's beating me with the power of incest, even though I was easily able to beat him earlier!
Finn: Wow. For once, I'm doing something right. In fact, now that I have the upper hand, it's a great time to talk about how I raped and murdered his wife, since that couldn't possibly--
Thor: RRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
***
Dwarf: Kristen Stewart, I feel so cold. Everything's going black. Hold me. Tell my kids I love them. And it's buried... under a big W!
Audience: Which one were you again?
***
Sweeping helicopter shot: *observes our heroes as they move through the majestic countryside, passing the Fellowship of the Ring, the kings and queens of Narnia, and Atheist Polar Bear from that Philip Pullman movie no one cared about*
Prince Charming: I joined up with you guys! See? I'm part of the story! Look, I'm getting a romantic scene with Snow White, see, see?
Ravenna: Just kidding, it was really me kissing Kristen Stewart and poisoning her!
Audience: Trust Kristen Stewart to make a lesbian kiss with Charlize Theron completely unerotic.
Ravenna: And now to eat your heart and become immortal. But first, I should state for the record that if I hadn't killed you, you could've ended my reign of evil. But that's a moot point, since I'm about to kill you. Right... about... n--
Thor: NOOOO!
Prince Charming: I'm in this scene too! I'm helping out!
Ravenna: Alright, the other person who can possibly kill me is in a coma, I have supernatural powers, and my opponents are two men with sharp sticks.
Ravenna: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
Ravenna: Well, it's cool, the other way for her to wake up would be true love's kiss, and it's not like her superpower is being really good-looking and making people like--fuck.
Ravenna: I guess I'd better send my unstoppable army after her or just wait and do nothing until the script needs me again.
***
Prince Charming: Only true love's kiss can wake her, for some reason we'll never explain. Now's my time to shine!
Kiss: *does nothing*
Thor: You remind me a lot of my dead wife. In that you're dead too. For hours or even days at this point. Still, when you think about it, it'd be inappropriate for me not to kiss you.
Kiss: *wakes her up*
Prince Charming: Why... the fuck... am I even in this movie?
***
King Charming: Look Thor, we're not going after the Queen! The mayor's on my ass about this case! If you wanna keep going after that cocaine shipment, you might as well turn in your badge and gun now! I've got no room for a cowboy on this force, and the only thing that'd change my mind is a rousing speech!
Kristen Stewart: LISTEN TO ME, EVERYONE! I LITERALLY HAVE NOT HEARD ONE WORD FROM ANY OF YOU, BUT I CAN TELL THAT YOU'RE EMBERS OF A MILLION POINTS OF LIGHT AND MY BROTHERS! NOW, I MAY NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT STRATEGY OR TACTICS. I MAY NOT KNOW HOW TO FIGHT. IN FACT, I MAY HAVE SPENT THE LAST TEN YEARS LOCKED IN A PRISON CELL. BUT FOLLOW ME INTO BATTLE! THE SCRIPT DEMANDS IT!
Prince Charming: She's right! We must follow her lead because
***
Guard: Hey, queenrino, notice you've drained countless young girls so you can take off the old-age make-up for the big finale that'll be in all the trailers. That's super. Anyway, you know that sewer Snow White escaped through? I was thinking we could just put in some bars since it's a pretty big hole in our security. Who knows, someone might be able to use it to sneak in and cause some trouble!
Ravenna: No. Our Mutual Stupidity Treaty with the enemy doesn't allow it.
Guard: Mutual Stupidity Treaty?
***
King Charming: Alright, Snow White, you have no fighting skills whatsoever and the muscle mass of someone whose only exercise for ten years was being masturbated to by the queen's randomly incestuous brother.
Prince Charming: Even I'm wondering what the point of that character was.
King Charming: Since you're the only one who can kill the queen, we're going to put you in armor and protect you at all costs as we make our way into the castle. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO is stay put so we can protect
Kristen Stewart: IMMA NINJA WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
***
Kristen Stewart: Hey, evil queen! You're about to be... that thing... where royalty stops being... royalty.
Ravenna: Here's a role-playing exercise. You be you, and I'll be your career after they stop making Twilight movies.
Kristen Stewart: GAK! GAK GAK GAK!
Ravenna: Man, this is easy. I don't know why I kept sending other people to do this.
Kristen Stewart: Joke's on you, queenie! Thor taught me one (1) self-defense move!
Ravenna: Foreshadowing! My one weakness!
Kristen Stewart: (actual line) You can't have my heart.
Ravenna: That's your big kiss-off line? What's the rest of it? "But you can have my forgiveness"? "But you can have this knife"? Clearly, there's more to it than that. What? We're just going to leave that hanging? It's only the climax of the entire fucking
***
King Charming: Thank God, we're no longer being controlled by a completely unqualified woman who was only on the throne because of her relationship to the king. All hail the king's daughter!
Prince Charming: Hail Snow White! *eye-fucking*
Thor: Hail Snow White! *eye-fucking*
Audience: Are we seriously meant to be 'Team Thor' or 'Team Charming' now?
*Everyone likes this movie better than Mirror, Mirror because it's a fairy tale for ADULTS instead of small children, because fuck small children having their own stories*
Kristen Stewart: What do you mean it's not for kids? I was only threatened with rape once, twice, maybe three times? FEMINISM!
***
Thor: Long ago, in a far-off production design wet dream...
Audience: What--what is that accent? You sounded fine as Thor, now you sound like an Irishman doing a Crocodile Dundee impression.
Thor: Can I finish? So Snow White existed, then the queen died, then the king easily defeated an army made of glass and found that they were holding Charlize Theron prisoner, so he married her the next day.
Audience: And with value judgment like that, he must've been an awesome king.
Thor: Hey, Charlize Theron, what are ya gonna do?
***
King: Seeeeex!
Ravenna: Once, a king raped me or something. That's my backstory.
King: So I guess you really have a sore spot about men taking advantage of women, huh?
Ravenna: Actually, my brother is a rapist serial killer or something. But who needs character consistency when you bathe in milk? Anyway, as if this being my idea of pillow talk hasn't established me as a villain, I'm going to murder-orgasm you.
Kristen Stewart: You know. For kids!
***
Thor: Even though you can clearly see Ravenna open the gate and let her forces in, I'm going to narrate that anyway. Damnit, I worked hard on this accent! At least two minutes!
Audience: She went through all that just to open the door? Why didn't she just turn into ravens and fly inside the gates, like she does later in the movie?
Thor: We're doing some kind of feminist theory thing with her marrying the king. Relax, we'll forget about it in five minutes.
***
Thor: And so, Snow White grew up into the most beautiful, most English, most amazing actress in the land.
Casting director: You've got Kristen Stewart.
Thor: Or the queen put a spell on her that stopped her from completely closing her mouth for the rest of her life.
***
Ravenna: *takes a bath in milk and doesn't even show side-boob, despite implied nudity being in every trailer for this movie for the last six months*
(It's the principal of the thing, damnit!)
Ravenna: Well, I have that rapey backstory, I make reference to having grown up poor and worked my way into being queen, I even spare someone who tried to fucking assassinate me--my character is actually a little complicated. Better give me some evil cliches.
Finn: Like a random incestuous brother with a stupid pageboy haircut?
Ravenna: Yeah, you'll do.
Finn: And when you give free milk to the peasants, you can have it be the milk you bathe in instead of however else they delivered milk in medieval times.
Ravenna: Actually, I tried to give it to them in buckets, they prefer the bath milk.
Finn: Well, yeah, Charlize Theron.
Ravenna: Hey, magic mirror, do I look good? I haven't put on any make-up or anything, I'm just trying out my new camera. *duck-lips*
Magic Mirror: You are the most beautiful, but Kristen Stewart is destined to surpass you.
Ravenna: When, after they invent plastic surgery that turns you into another person? Anyway, I suppose I'd better kill her. A woman's youth and beauty is her power, and none can be more beautiful than me!
Audience: Wow, what an evil and vain character!
Ravenna: Actually, this movie's magic system works on beauty. I'm powerful because I'm really pretty and Snow White literally has superpowers because of how pure and innocent she is.
Audience: So... she's the Madonna and you use sex to get what you want... isn't there a phrase for that?
Kristen Stewart: FEMINISM! For kids!
***
Finn: Snow White, I know that delivering you to the Queen will make her all-powerful and, since I'm kinda-sorta-PG-13 tapping that, this will benefit me as well, but I'd like to take a few minutes to rape you.
Kristen Stewart: You know, for kids! But I've managed to grab a nail to defend myself!
Finn: Why are there nails in this castle? To nail the stone to more stone?
Kristen Stewart: *turns on auto-guide and mini-map so that some birds guide her to safety*
***
Ravenna: You let her GET AWAY? ASTGJABHGLHKAGSLK!!
Finn: Wow, why are you shouting like a loon?
Ravenna: AGLASDGNKDSGLNLJBAGOUB!!!
Finn: So all the lines where you were understated and menacing were in the trailer, huh?
Ravenna: sghjbsdglkkl bring me someone to hunt her down asofnasdglkn!
***
Thor: Hey, me again. Since I got my name in the title, I bet you're wondering what super-original take the writers came up for me?
Tough: Han Solo, you owe money to Jabba the Medieval Hutt! Pay up!
Thor: Don't worry, though, the writers came up with a good reason for me being a drunken scoundrel.
Writer: Your wife died or something.
Thor: Or that.
Finn: Thor, we need you. Despite the fact that you just got your ass kicked for the last five minutes, I'm going to say you're the biggest badass ever and send you after Kristen Stewart.
Thor: Why should I?
Ravenna: I'll bring your wife back from the dead.
Thor: Wow, that's an interesting conflict. Save my wife at the cost of another woman's life, or save a stranger and be alone?
Finn: Actually, it's completely impossible for Ravenna to bring your wife back. You're such a fucking idiot! 'Look at me, I miss my dead wife!' Ha! Cunt. (beat) Why didn't I wait until we were back in the castle, surrounded by guards, and with Snow White dead to say that?
Thor: *kicks Finn and everyone else's ass, then spends like seriously an hour not meeting the Seven Dwarves so he and Snow can wander around in Hot Topic Pandora*
Audience: So now we get down to it, huh? The Evil Queen versus Snow White! Lots of crazy magic and strong female characters and amazing action!
Movie: Okay, yeah, I know I implied that with every trailer being three solid minutes of Charlize Theron vamping and us doing our best to hide the fact that we actually thought Kristen Stewart had starpower, but hey. Try this on for size. What if Charlize Theron just totally disappeared from this movie for an hour and instead we followed around incestuous Prince Valiant?
Audience: Oh, that's not bullshit at all.
***
Thor: Here, Snow White, let's take two minutes for me to mentor you, since that's supposedly the point of this whole reimagining.
Kristen Stewart: Thanks for teaching me exactly one (1) self-defense move. I'm sure that'll come in handy.
Prince Charming: Hey, I'm in this movie, you know? Don't I get any lines in this
Thor: Look, it's my old friends the seven dwarves! Al Swearengen!
Al Swearengen: Cunt shit fuck damn hell.
Thor: Blind Bob Hoskins!
Bob Hoskins: You have eyes, Huntsman, but I see further than you through the power of ho man you all know this bullshit.
Thor: Other... guys...
Killy The Dwarf: I like killing women. No, that's an actual line from the movie. With an actual line later on with me confirming it. Then in the end, I get to be a hero.
Kristen Stewart: FEMINISM!
***
Bob Hoskins: Hey. Kristen Stewart! Ever wonder what a Studio Ghibi movie would look like in live-action?
Kristen Stewart: Maybe a little.
Bob Hoskins: Good, because we're spending fifteen minutes on that. Behold! The White Hart is bowing to her!
Audience: What's the White Hart?
Bob Hoskins: She is the One!
Audience: The one what?
Bob Hoskins: She is life itself!
Audience: Kristen Stewart?
Bob Hoskins: Her mere presence heals injuries!
Audience: Like the chest wound Thor got, or the mortal wound the guy who's about to die in her arms will get?
Bob Hoskins: Guys, I'm trying to work here, okay? It's this or Hook 2: The Rufio Years.
Finn: Bwaha! Surprise attack!
Thor: Crap! He's beating me with the power of incest, even though I was easily able to beat him earlier!
Finn: Wow. For once, I'm doing something right. In fact, now that I have the upper hand, it's a great time to talk about how I raped and murdered his wife, since that couldn't possibly--
Thor: RRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
***
Dwarf: Kristen Stewart, I feel so cold. Everything's going black. Hold me. Tell my kids I love them. And it's buried... under a big W!
Audience: Which one were you again?
***
Sweeping helicopter shot: *observes our heroes as they move through the majestic countryside, passing the Fellowship of the Ring, the kings and queens of Narnia, and Atheist Polar Bear from that Philip Pullman movie no one cared about*
Prince Charming: I joined up with you guys! See? I'm part of the story! Look, I'm getting a romantic scene with Snow White, see, see?
Ravenna: Just kidding, it was really me kissing Kristen Stewart and poisoning her!
Audience: Trust Kristen Stewart to make a lesbian kiss with Charlize Theron completely unerotic.
Ravenna: And now to eat your heart and become immortal. But first, I should state for the record that if I hadn't killed you, you could've ended my reign of evil. But that's a moot point, since I'm about to kill you. Right... about... n--
Thor: NOOOO!
Prince Charming: I'm in this scene too! I'm helping out!
Ravenna: Alright, the other person who can possibly kill me is in a coma, I have supernatural powers, and my opponents are two men with sharp sticks.
Ravenna: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
Ravenna: Well, it's cool, the other way for her to wake up would be true love's kiss, and it's not like her superpower is being really good-looking and making people like--fuck.
Ravenna: I guess I'd better send my unstoppable army after her or just wait and do nothing until the script needs me again.
***
Prince Charming: Only true love's kiss can wake her, for some reason we'll never explain. Now's my time to shine!
Kiss: *does nothing*
Thor: You remind me a lot of my dead wife. In that you're dead too. For hours or even days at this point. Still, when you think about it, it'd be inappropriate for me not to kiss you.
Kiss: *wakes her up*
Prince Charming: Why... the fuck... am I even in this movie?
***
King Charming: Look Thor, we're not going after the Queen! The mayor's on my ass about this case! If you wanna keep going after that cocaine shipment, you might as well turn in your badge and gun now! I've got no room for a cowboy on this force, and the only thing that'd change my mind is a rousing speech!
Kristen Stewart: LISTEN TO ME, EVERYONE! I LITERALLY HAVE NOT HEARD ONE WORD FROM ANY OF YOU, BUT I CAN TELL THAT YOU'RE EMBERS OF A MILLION POINTS OF LIGHT AND MY BROTHERS! NOW, I MAY NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT STRATEGY OR TACTICS. I MAY NOT KNOW HOW TO FIGHT. IN FACT, I MAY HAVE SPENT THE LAST TEN YEARS LOCKED IN A PRISON CELL. BUT FOLLOW ME INTO BATTLE! THE SCRIPT DEMANDS IT!
Prince Charming: She's right! We must follow her lead because
***
Guard: Hey, queenrino, notice you've drained countless young girls so you can take off the old-age make-up for the big finale that'll be in all the trailers. That's super. Anyway, you know that sewer Snow White escaped through? I was thinking we could just put in some bars since it's a pretty big hole in our security. Who knows, someone might be able to use it to sneak in and cause some trouble!
Ravenna: No. Our Mutual Stupidity Treaty with the enemy doesn't allow it.
Guard: Mutual Stupidity Treaty?
***
King Charming: Alright, Snow White, you have no fighting skills whatsoever and the muscle mass of someone whose only exercise for ten years was being masturbated to by the queen's randomly incestuous brother.
Prince Charming: Even I'm wondering what the point of that character was.
King Charming: Since you're the only one who can kill the queen, we're going to put you in armor and protect you at all costs as we make our way into the castle. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO is stay put so we can protect
Kristen Stewart: IMMA NINJA WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
***
Kristen Stewart: Hey, evil queen! You're about to be... that thing... where royalty stops being... royalty.
Ravenna: Here's a role-playing exercise. You be you, and I'll be your career after they stop making Twilight movies.
Kristen Stewart: GAK! GAK GAK GAK!
Ravenna: Man, this is easy. I don't know why I kept sending other people to do this.
Kristen Stewart: Joke's on you, queenie! Thor taught me one (1) self-defense move!
Ravenna: Foreshadowing! My one weakness!
Kristen Stewart: (actual line) You can't have my heart.
Ravenna: That's your big kiss-off line? What's the rest of it? "But you can have my forgiveness"? "But you can have this knife"? Clearly, there's more to it than that. What? We're just going to leave that hanging? It's only the climax of the entire fucking
***
King Charming: Thank God, we're no longer being controlled by a completely unqualified woman who was only on the throne because of her relationship to the king. All hail the king's daughter!
Prince Charming: Hail Snow White! *eye-fucking*
Thor: Hail Snow White! *eye-fucking*
Audience: Are we seriously meant to be 'Team Thor' or 'Team Charming' now?
*Everyone likes this movie better than Mirror, Mirror because it's a fairy tale for ADULTS instead of small children, because fuck small children having their own stories*
Kristen Stewart: What do you mean it's not for kids? I was only threatened with rape once, twice, maybe three times? FEMINISM!
