Assembled

The short, non-spoilery version. Avengers is exactly what you were hoping for. Which you know. The only real worry I heard was that it would lack in spectacle. No. I just keeps going bigger and bigger. The big showdown that most superhero movies would end with? That happens thirty minutes in. Then they keep going. It's like all the Green Lantern movie went here and was added to the typical superhero movie budget by clandestine Whedon ninjas. So no lack of spectacle. It's like Transformers 3, only with a plot, characters, suspense, tension, surprise, and Scarlett Johannson is much hotter than Rosie Whatsherface (even if the camera never does literally buttfuck her, Michael Bay).

That said, let's go to the Harry Knowles portion of the review. I was born a poor black child So I skipped breakfast this morning Last night I worked the Avengers midnight premiere. We got an entire Avengers cosplay in there. Yes, even Hawkeye. Even Black Widow, although she was played by a guy. On the one hand, it's good that you're secured enough in your masculinity to dress as someone named The Black Widow. On the other hand, it's good to have enough female friends that one of them is willing to go see a movie with you dressed as a cartoon character.

Best part, though. A fangirl came in, dressed as the Black Widow, and she and Black Widbro passed in the hallway. The words "Well, I'm not changing," may have been uttered. EP-I do hate to use this word-IC.

So I get some sleep, get up, come in to the first 2D showing this morning (old-fashioned, just like Cap would like it!), and the ticket-taker says to me "We tried calling you. An usher didn't show you." Okay... sorry? I would've liked the hours, but you're the ones who didn't schedule me all weekend. I'm sorry I'm more reliable than other people you hire, but I did work until after midnight yesterday and also my uniform is all sweaty from moving stock, so you gotta give me some warning here.

Viewing experience--good-sized audience, hot crowd, I was sitting behind a family with some small, misbehaving children, but I'm gonna give credit where credit's due, after about twenty minutes of on-and-off loudness, the parents rolled up and took those kids out. THANK YOU. I'm not going to get all snooty and say Avengers isn't a kids' movie, because during the preshow we had all kinds of ads for Avengers toys and whatnot, but hey, sometimes kids can sit through a movie and sometimes they can't, and when they can't, the theater offers refunds. So, anonymous Texas couple, thank you very much for disciplining your children and saving my viewing experience. I hope you get to see, and enjoy, The Avengers on another occasion, when your kids are feeling more up to it.

See, parents, that's all I ask? A little consideration. You thought your kids could behave, they couldn't, you resolved the situation. You are good in my book. In fact, I appreciate you taking your kids to quality entertainment like The Avengers, even if they were unable to be a good audience at that time.

( Some mild spoilers, or things I liked. )

ETA: Can this please run over Battleship? Those trailers are all money shots. The "journey" they show is just Brooklyn Decker T&A and Liam Neeson bullshitting, then 'SPLOSIONS. Avengers actually exercises some restraint and devotes most of its trailers to (gasp) character and dialogue, just showing you the tip of the iceberg. Yes, I even love Avengers for its marketing campaign. It even deserves to stomp Hunger Games. I'm sorry, but get that weak shakycam shit outta here.

And the bad news...

Peter Parker was now genetically experimented on as a child, and the radioactive spider-bite activated that, HENCE Andrew Garfield.

I miss Morlun. Seriously, all that fantasy stuff could've at least provided the ingredients for a good movie. But this...

I'll never get the thinking that says "Oh, well you see, it wasn't a radioactive spider, that'd be silly, he ACTUALLY comes from a long line of spider-people who were experimented on by aliens and then his parents used in-vitro eugenics to change his genetic structure, so that when he was bombarded by cosmic rays it interacted with the nanobots he was designing for the military and he became SPIDER-MAN" is less stupid than "he was bitten by a radioactive genetically-engineered spider, which could totally turn someone into a superhero, *wink*". The second one gets that it's silly and moves on because it knows that, by buying a ticket, we have already accepted the premise. By insisting "no, no, this could really happen!", you're just being a douche about it.

I mean, for fuck's sake, it's been five years since Iron Man. People clearly accept "got hit by gamma radiation, turns into a giant rage-monster" or "ehh, he's a Norse god, they all have superstrength dontchaknow." We don't need a triple-redundancy on origin stories.

ETfuckingA: If you wanted to do an origin story about a spider-themed superhero who got her powers from her parents and their kooky arachnid DNA stuff, make a Spider-Girl movie.

I don't even know why we need gender studies.

Ladies, you know how you feel when you see this picture?



That's the exact feeling a man gets when, in The Expendables 2 trailer, Jason Statham dresses up as a priest and says "I now pronounce you man and KNIFE" (to stab someone!).

(no subject)

I have a certain fic finished that I think a lot of you are going to be very pleased with.