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Stuff yourself with a double review!
Nov. 24th, 2011 02:40 pmSome thoughts on Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 1: The Phantom Menace.
-Bella's dad finds out she's getting married from reading the wedding invitation. You'd think a traditionalist like Edward would ask for his daughter's hand in marriage. But then Charlie would say "hell no, you freak, she's an 18-year-old idiot" and there'd have to be a whole other movie of Bella going to college and wondering if she was a lesbian before she came back to marry Edward. On a sidenote, I love Charlie. He seems like the only person who knows he's in a Twilight movie and this shit is ridiculous.
-Bella has a dream about her and Edward being the figurines on top of a giant dead-body wedding cake, made of her friends and family. Well, that's something. All the movies do this; SMeyer's prose is so boring that the filmmakers think up dream sequences, just for something interesting to happen. Basically, if Bella fell asleep and had a dream for two hours, it would be more cinematic than her actual life.
-Bella's wedding takes place outdoors. You'd think a bunch of Mormons would have their wedding inside the church with God instead of out in the cheap showiness of nature.
-Edward and Bella stop off for some ethnic dancing in Brazil before continuing on to their private island honeymoon (Vampires are the 1%). I was so hoping Captain Nascimento would show up to introduce them to justice, Rio style.
-After one fuck, Bella is covered in bruises, so Edward won't have sex with her. There follows an, I shit you not, Pepe Le Pew montage where Bella tries to seduce her newlywed husband into bed. I'd make a coy reference to why that wouldn't work, but I'm not sure what the joke would be about, that Edward is clearly gay or that Bella is about as attractive as an anemic owl. And give the owl points, it doesn't bite its lip.
-Sam, leader of Jacob's wolf pack, is apparently the villain of the piece, since he wants to kill Bella's baby because—well, I don't know. They say there's never been a vampire baby before, so he just assumes this fetus is going to be the worst and decide to kill it. And yet, Jacob is the one who seethes over Bella's marriage, grabs her in a "daddy, no!" way when she tells him she's having sex with Edward, and says out loud that the bright side of Bella dying is that he'll get to kill Edward. Sam is the one who interprets the law against vampires hunting in Folks (remember? Big deal in movie 2? They said if Edward turned Bella, the werewolf-vampire treaty that Kissinger worked so hard on would be done?) to not include Bella consenting to being turned. He's actually a lot more reasonable than Jacob, our hero, who would drag all his friends into an unnecessary war because a girl dumped him.
-When Bella dies (yeah, right), Jacob says he won't kill Edward because he wants Edward to suffer. This guy is a fucking psychopath.
-I'll give props. In the fourth movie in a series about vampires and werewolves, they actually start making things scary by having Bella carry a gross vampire baby that breaks her spine on-screen. It's probably the most effective abstinence parable this series could turn out. So congratulations, Twilight people, you've made the miracle of life terrifying and vampires into vegans.
-And yes, people, Jacob does fall right the fuck in love with a baby. And this actually resolves the crisis immediately, since werewolves can't hurt someone a werewolf has imprinted on. "It's their most sacred law." No, this hasn't been mentioned anytime prior in this two-hour movie, or in any of the previous movies. Okay, so what if a werewolf imprints on a serial killer, or Hitler, or Mark Steven Johnson?
So, in the spirit of the holiday, let me say I'm thankful for Twilight. If there has to be something for teen girls to be idiots about, I suppose it's good that it's something that can be turned into a dialogue about, well, all the bullshit that is Twilight. And yes, it would be so much better if something cool like Animorphs were getting this much attention, but on a similar note, at least Breaking Dawn's full-bore craziness is giving us a clean break from Twilight. Instead of people coming away from Twilight going "yeah, sure, this Stephenie Meyer person seems pretty harmless," she's done the equivalent of bringing her Holocaust denial into a political discussion. This is going to be something people are embarrassed about liking and move on from, rather than hanging around and annoying everyone who knows better with its continued 'relevance'.
Oh, a picture of Justin Timberlake happened to be there, I should fix that.
That evening, as a sort of cleanse, I watched Lone Wolf McQuaid, in which Chuck Norris plays a Texas ranger (that's a five out of five on the Chuck NorriScale). His partner is played by a young Chakotay (sample quip, while beating up a punk: "I wanted to do this to Brannon Braga for seven years!"). Also, E.B. Farnum from Deadwood shows up as (YES!) a stoolie drug dealer that our heroes have to pump for information, Texas style!
I won't get into any more specifics (EVIL WHEELCHAIR-BOUND MIDGET!!!), but there is a scene where Chuck Norris drives his supercharged truck out of the pit in which he's been buried alive. All truck commercials should stop bullshitting us with off-road ability and towing capacity and just straight-up tell us if a truck can drive out of a car grave, because that's what guys are clearly imagining when they look at pick-up trucks.
-Bella's dad finds out she's getting married from reading the wedding invitation. You'd think a traditionalist like Edward would ask for his daughter's hand in marriage. But then Charlie would say "hell no, you freak, she's an 18-year-old idiot" and there'd have to be a whole other movie of Bella going to college and wondering if she was a lesbian before she came back to marry Edward. On a sidenote, I love Charlie. He seems like the only person who knows he's in a Twilight movie and this shit is ridiculous.
-Bella has a dream about her and Edward being the figurines on top of a giant dead-body wedding cake, made of her friends and family. Well, that's something. All the movies do this; SMeyer's prose is so boring that the filmmakers think up dream sequences, just for something interesting to happen. Basically, if Bella fell asleep and had a dream for two hours, it would be more cinematic than her actual life.
-Bella's wedding takes place outdoors. You'd think a bunch of Mormons would have their wedding inside the church with God instead of out in the cheap showiness of nature.
-Edward and Bella stop off for some ethnic dancing in Brazil before continuing on to their private island honeymoon (Vampires are the 1%). I was so hoping Captain Nascimento would show up to introduce them to justice, Rio style.
-After one fuck, Bella is covered in bruises, so Edward won't have sex with her. There follows an, I shit you not, Pepe Le Pew montage where Bella tries to seduce her newlywed husband into bed. I'd make a coy reference to why that wouldn't work, but I'm not sure what the joke would be about, that Edward is clearly gay or that Bella is about as attractive as an anemic owl. And give the owl points, it doesn't bite its lip.
-Sam, leader of Jacob's wolf pack, is apparently the villain of the piece, since he wants to kill Bella's baby because—well, I don't know. They say there's never been a vampire baby before, so he just assumes this fetus is going to be the worst and decide to kill it. And yet, Jacob is the one who seethes over Bella's marriage, grabs her in a "daddy, no!" way when she tells him she's having sex with Edward, and says out loud that the bright side of Bella dying is that he'll get to kill Edward. Sam is the one who interprets the law against vampires hunting in Folks (remember? Big deal in movie 2? They said if Edward turned Bella, the werewolf-vampire treaty that Kissinger worked so hard on would be done?) to not include Bella consenting to being turned. He's actually a lot more reasonable than Jacob, our hero, who would drag all his friends into an unnecessary war because a girl dumped him.
-When Bella dies (yeah, right), Jacob says he won't kill Edward because he wants Edward to suffer. This guy is a fucking psychopath.
-I'll give props. In the fourth movie in a series about vampires and werewolves, they actually start making things scary by having Bella carry a gross vampire baby that breaks her spine on-screen. It's probably the most effective abstinence parable this series could turn out. So congratulations, Twilight people, you've made the miracle of life terrifying and vampires into vegans.
-And yes, people, Jacob does fall right the fuck in love with a baby. And this actually resolves the crisis immediately, since werewolves can't hurt someone a werewolf has imprinted on. "It's their most sacred law." No, this hasn't been mentioned anytime prior in this two-hour movie, or in any of the previous movies. Okay, so what if a werewolf imprints on a serial killer, or Hitler, or Mark Steven Johnson?
So, in the spirit of the holiday, let me say I'm thankful for Twilight. If there has to be something for teen girls to be idiots about, I suppose it's good that it's something that can be turned into a dialogue about, well, all the bullshit that is Twilight. And yes, it would be so much better if something cool like Animorphs were getting this much attention, but on a similar note, at least Breaking Dawn's full-bore craziness is giving us a clean break from Twilight. Instead of people coming away from Twilight going "yeah, sure, this Stephenie Meyer person seems pretty harmless," she's done the equivalent of bringing her Holocaust denial into a political discussion. This is going to be something people are embarrassed about liking and move on from, rather than hanging around and annoying everyone who knows better with its continued 'relevance'.
Oh, a picture of Justin Timberlake happened to be there, I should fix that.
That evening, as a sort of cleanse, I watched Lone Wolf McQuaid, in which Chuck Norris plays a Texas ranger (that's a five out of five on the Chuck NorriScale). His partner is played by a young Chakotay (sample quip, while beating up a punk: "I wanted to do this to Brannon Braga for seven years!"). Also, E.B. Farnum from Deadwood shows up as (YES!) a stoolie drug dealer that our heroes have to pump for information, Texas style!
I won't get into any more specifics (EVIL WHEELCHAIR-BOUND MIDGET!!!), but there is a scene where Chuck Norris drives his supercharged truck out of the pit in which he's been buried alive. All truck commercials should stop bullshitting us with off-road ability and towing capacity and just straight-up tell us if a truck can drive out of a car grave, because that's what guys are clearly imagining when they look at pick-up trucks.
