Superman XXX: A Porn Parody: A Review

Let's start off with a disclaimer. I'm not going to be getting too detailed with the sex scenes, since I'm not a professional porn reviewer (just a gifted amateur) and I assume the only thing less wanted than me telling you what gets me off is you hearing what gets me off.


GINGER LESBIAN INCEST AGEPLAY!

I'll be looking at this strictly from a perspective of comics canon and cinematic storytelling, with fucking. That said, who names these things? There's gotta be a better title that still gets across that you will see Superman fucking. Just off the top of my head: Supercock, Up Up And Inside You, Not Faster Than A Speeding Bullet... I can't imagine a better reason to get into porn than to come up with stupid porn titles, so I can only think this is the equivalent of that new boss who comes into your workplace with a new rule that makes things suck just a little more, like not being able to take your cell-phone into the bathroom or something. Please, porn industry, we want to hear your punny titles just as much as you want to make them!

Also, some of you may be wondering why DC Comics allows these kinds of movies to be made, even if they are porn parodies. And the answer to that is, they're still better publicity than Green Lantern.

We start off, naturally enough, on Krypton in a vaguely boob-shaped dome, where Jor-El is lecturing on how Kryptonians have always lived in harmony. Someone's forgetting about the Clone Wars, and unfortunately for everyone, it's not George Lucas (that joke was so nerdy I think I just became a virgin again). He's arguing against Zod and the Zodlings, who I just noticed never had a lawyer. Some advanced society--well, then again, no lawyers, so yeah.


General Zod applies the principle of a porn 'stache to an entire beard. The madman.

This ends with the Zod Squad in the Phantom Zone, and on that inspiring note, we hit the credits. After the title, we pass straight over the destruction of Krypton and Clark Kent's upbringing to get to an adult Clark Kent on an airliner. Because even porn parodies know better than to spend time in Smallville. Clark's having trouble with his seatbelt, so a flight attendant helps him and fondles his crotch afterwards. Yeah, right... a flight attendant being helpful!

( N... S... F...? )

It just bugs me

So, rereading 52 for Femslash 11 and it reminded me of a pet peeve I hate enough to write a blog post about. And that is the Villain With Good Publicity. Now, I don't mind this when it's just fooling your average schmoe and the hero trying to bring him down--that's the trope, after all. But I hate, hate, hate when they'll have, say, Batman trying to expose the Penguin as a criminal deviant while Superman goes "Why, that Penguin fellow seems alright! The Iceberg... what a clever name for a nightspot!"

Maybe it was acceptable back in the old days, when comic book storytelling was less self-aware and the superhero "community" wasn't as tight-knit as today's steady stream of massive crossover events have made it. But now it is just so hacky. It's like, does Superman never mention that Lex Luthor is an asshole? Does Lois Lane, greatest reporter of all time, never write an article insinuating Lex is an ass? Even if they don't talk about it, wouldn't you ask about the time Metropolis got attacked by giant robots? "Oh, that? Lex Luthor. Yeah, he's secretly an evil asshole. Steer clear of him."

Because Superman is supposed to be this combination of your big brother, your dad, and that grandparent that sent you a big cash bill with your birthday card. If he says someone is evil and shouldn't be trusted, you would listen. Especially if it's someone who "has nervous breakdowns" and accidentally tries to take over the world, just to name one example. Think about it, in the real world, that'd be like Mr. Rogers, Shigeru Miyomato, Bill Clinton and Ronald Reagan all telling you that the CEO of BP Oil is up to no good, then you listening when the CEO of BP tells you to bomb Pixar headquarters.

That would be the equivalent of the story where a bunch of superheroes decide to attack Superman because Lex Luthor said he was bad. Yes, it was by Jeph Loeb.

Even worse, sometimes they'll do stories where the villain doesn't quite get defeated, but he's 'exposed', like the Kingpin at the end of Born Again. So you'd think that would mean they'd stop with stories where the public loves and adores Crazy McPsychoPants. But no, they just wait a few issues, then they'll handwave it with a one-liner about a PR team. C'mon. If you want to keep telling stories about a Villain With Good Publicity, don't write a story specifically altering that status quo just to snap it back. That's straight-up Voyager level bad writing.

ETA: What really bugs me is that when villains do actually reform and even join a team of superheroes, they'll be pariahs and no one will trust them. This actually happens in the same exact title as Lex Luthor - Swell Guy. Black Adam decides to try being a nice guy for a while and for no reason, Amanda Waller sends a team of supervillains to antagonize his family. As his country is in detente and he's being a total mensch. What exactly else could she want him to do? I thought she was morally ambiguous Lawful Evil, not too stupid to live Chaotic Evil. She shouldn't care about bringing him to justice, as long as he and his country are stable and peaceful. Go kill the Joker, that'll justify your entire shady government spookery budget for the next ten years.

Oh, or a superhero who's spent years being a complete sweetheart will spend fifteen minutes being mind-controlled and suddenly everyone will act dickish to them. Or when someone gets framed for a crime and the entire city turns against them, after they've been framed and then cleared their name ninety times. I'm just saying, if you're going to go 99 times out of 100 treating continuity as a big hairy deal, don't give people the memory of goldfish for the other one percent.